Can’t do it anymore

[BingeBitch]

Fat for 20 years. Last 10 years obese. Im so fucking done with myself. So ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted.

I can’t stick to anything, the things I’ve tried would probably work if I had a fucking ounce of will power but I don’t.
I. Won’t. Stop. Eating. Shite. I don’t know why. It makes no fucking sense what I am doing to myself. No sense at all.

Men shout at me in the street. I don’t even care anymore, doesn’t even register that I should feel offended or upset. Surely that’s not normal?

Im 40 with high BP, awful IBS which is flaring up something rotten this weekend. Knees wrecked, back wrecked. Triple chins. Arse the size of fucking hippo. How I’m not diabetic (yet) I don’t know.

Eat less move more? My brain tells me eat more move less and I listen. Don’t I just.

Here comes summer and another year of slow death at the hands of my own slovenly ways.

So ashamed and embarrassed for my lovely DH and our DC. They must be so embarrassed by me. I know I am.
Someone fucking shoot me. Please. 🙄

Before anyone asks; no I have no idea what I want from this thread. Just venting and getting it out of my system I think. I don’t know.

Ive just had enough of myself and my bullshit. I’ve tried so many things to change and Get no where because ultimately I can’t stick to anything.

😑

OP you sound really angry at yourself, and I fully empathise.

I note your username references binges. Do you have a disordered eating pattern perhaps? Have you ever had any kind of CBT to support with this?

Your not alone. I'm on exactly the same boat and it's hard to get off.

Maybe ignore the weight and start looking to improve your health, set yourself a challenge?

It sometimes works for me but other times If I don't manage it I just think "what's the bloody point in even trying?"

Sending hugs your way 💐

You are far more than your appearance and your DH and DC know and appreciate you for who you are. Only when you start to view yourself in more positive terms will you be able to tackle this. I'd recommend a counsellor to help get it out and then you can take a step forward if that's what you want to do x

@YellowHpok Thanks for taking the time to reply to my ranting rambling crap.
I was referred to Maudsley for binge eating disorder but they declined the referral and sent self help Info.

My friend is very overweight, I would be horrified if she thought this about herself, I love her and love being with her. She is amazing and beautiful.

please stop being mean to yourself, never ever criticise yourself for what you did in a crisis.

I bet you have been through a lot. You haven’t lost weight before because the time wasn’t right.

you see somebody’s child and are important.

such kind replies, I don’t deserve them. Thank you for taking the time.

OP, I can empathise with much of what you’ve said. I don’t have any advice or help or platitudes to offer just know you’re not on your own.

You absolutely deserve them!

Are you feelings of self worth tied in so closely with your body and eating?

I think you need to go back to your gp and ask them to push the referral again. Also discuss any other options, such as local cbt, that may help.

Please don't give up on yourself, you deserve nothing but loveliness.

The funny thing is no one would have a clue I feel this way because I’m that fat, jolly, smiley lady we all know and love always happy and friendly. I carry myself with such confidence I’m told. Inside I’m dying. Slowly just dying.

My beautiful DH tells me he doesn’t care about my size. He met me when I was big so I guess it must be true. But I’m so down on myself it’s hard to believe others.

The only people who should be ashamed and disgusted with themselves are the people who shout things at you in the street. That's appalling, I'm really sorry there are such horrible people in the world.

Honestly I don't think you can tackle your weight (if that's what you want to do) unless you tackle your self esteem. You are not worth less than other people because you are bigger, you are not disgusting, you do not deserve shame.

I would revisit therapy before you even think of dieting or you will just be setting yourself up to fail. But there is nothing 'wrong' with you at any size.

Would it help to articulate what you would like in an ideal world? Would you like mental health support to address the psychology of it all? Would you want a referral for medical routes like surgery or medication for weight loss? Would you like to make 1 single small change each fortnight? What would be most useful?

Another way to think is imagine one of your children. Any one. Imagine them grown up and in their 30s. Imagine them with your BMI and them
coming to you in desperation and self-loathing. What would you advice them to do? How would you support them?

I don't know what to say but your writing style is so succinct and emotionally intelligent.
The way you've been able to tell us very clearly how you feel.

I just wanted to say hello really.

💐X

Perfect post.

Op, it's so so hard to deal with everything all at your once. You're dealing with painful knees, painful back, mental health, whatever is going on in your head, self esteem, and any other health issues related to your weight PLUS undeserved abuse from strangers as well as life's general ups and downs.

Cut yourself some slack. It's really hard.

Definitely pursue therapy to help with you find the space in your head to help you deal with the next thing. The trick is to find the keystone piece of help that will give you the strength to deal with the rest (but one bit at a time).

You'll get there.

Oh OP, I feel for you.

Im also disgusted with myself, never been thin but the last 5-10 years I've let it get so bad I don't see a way out. Size 22 and even with embracing body positivity, learning to dress well and be confident with it I hate it. PCOS makes dieting/weight loss hard, and a shocking lack of will power on top of that means if I don't see results immediately I give up.

I decided recently I'd make a genuine, sustainable effort. No massive crash diet, no big gesture. I go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week and once that was embedded started looking at my food intake- no big changes all at once, just cut back a little and plan to keep making small changes, no weight loss I would say is noticeable yet but I feel better.

Do you think something like that might work for you? Say choose one small thing to change (whatever you want, start small and don't focus on weight loss).

Did they say why they declined? You can challenge this. I'd go back to GP as well www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/overturning-bad-decisions/

It sounds like things have really taken a toll on you and you deserve support, you really do. Would you feel up to calling Beat for advice?

One more thing you may have not considered: ADHD.

May or may not be relevant to you ...Worth a read of that link anyway.

OP, this is the crisis - the moment that might change everything.

I don’t want to go on but from experience I can say that WHEN you do get into it/shed your first stone, you will find it hard to resist getting lighter and lighter.

The thing that really shines through from your posts is the self destructive language you use to describe yourself. I've been there myself, and it turns out I was really f'ing depressed. CBT helped hugely. Are you in England? Google your local "Improving Acess to Primary Care Mental Health" (IAPT) service, you should be able to self refer. If somewhere else then please do speak to your GP.

I used to commission weight loss services for the NHS. There should be a range of options for you locally to try, which might include free swimming world or WW classes, or dietetics led services that have some psychological component to them. Please do speak to your GP and ask what services are available locally.

But most importantly, please do be kinder to yourself. Lots of thr reasons we are all a it heavier than we should be are due to reasons we can't control:

• adverse childhood experiences that impact our self esteem and mental health
• commercial factors like the availability and price of high sugar high fat foods
• more sedentary lifestyles because we're not out doing manual labour as much anymore

Basically, its not your fault, you are loved, you matter, there is support out there when you are ready for it

Have you read the book 'Brain Over Binge'? Makes so much sense to me. I saw it recommended on MN and I'm about halfway through. I have always thought I needed to control my feelings towards eating rather than what I eat and this book agrees and explains why.

I'm exactly the same, exactly. I can't seem to change no matter how much I want to so I see you OP and you're not alone

You won’t be able to get anywhere whilst you are hating yourself so much OP, being fat isn’t a crime and overeating is as much a disorder as undereating. Stop being so harsh to yourself, join a slimming club for help and support and decide you are worthy of treating yourself better and thinking better of yourself.

Thank you so much everyone. I see people get savaged on this site everyday and was steeling myself for AIBU style kicking but you’ve been so understanding and kind.
I will look at the links added and speak to my GP again, I am in London and will check my IAPT service.

Meant to say also that I’m very depressed. Have been on Sertraline 100mg daily for over a year now. The past week or so my mood has dropped like a stone.

That’s awful men shout at you. People are so unkind. There’s just no need for it.