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Original poster

To be absolutely mortified of myself and feel sorry for for DD for being such an embarrassment.

70 replies

ShyEmbarrassment · 08/05/2022 17:32

I have social anxiety and I am extremely quiet in social situations. DD has recently joined a club. They had an activity day planned today at a venue. Due to a couple of volunteers falling ill they asked parents if anyone wanted to volunteers. I said yes thinking I will be ok and it will be nice to help out.

We were split up in 5 different groups of children and volunteers. I tried to help out as much as I could but I mainly stood on the sidelines and hardly interacted with the other volunteers. I felt so awkward and I am sure I was making the other parents feel awkward too. They seemed to know each other so that made me feel even worse. The odd parent spoke to me a little bit but it didn't really go anywhere.

I just wanted the day to end and felt so so embarrassed of myself. I barely spoke the whole day and all I can think of is what an absolute embarrassment I am to DD. I am utterly ashamed.

I have visions of all the organisers and volunteers laughing at me and thinking what a a crazy weirdo I am.

I wish I hadn't gone now and don't know what an earth I was thinking and dread facing them next week.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/05/2022 18:24

I really doubt your dd noticed or the other children. The other adults may have noticed and assumed you were shy or quiet. No harm done. Forget about it

skgnome · 08/05/2022 18:26

You’re being too hard on yourself
i honestly don’t see how you embarrassed your DD, you stayed to help when others didn’t
the organiser noticed you were not comfortable and was just trying to engage
yes it’s horrible that other parents didn’t approached you
but I bet next time you drop your DD the organisers will be happy to see you
i once helped on my DD’s beavers, I felt like you awkward and not knowing what to do with myself, next time I went and helped I was a bit more comfortable and the organisers were very welcoming - now I’m the parent having random chats with some of them… I’m sure the other half think I’m a bit weird (I’m introvert and sometimes my social skills are not fantastic) - but I learned to focus on the people that accept me
You did a great thing, and I’m sure they really appreciated it

edwinbear · 08/05/2022 18:26

Nobody was laughing OP, all anyone will be thinking was thank God you volunteered to help out, otherwise, possibly the event couldn't have gone ahead. They will be absolutely delighted you are someone who will step up and help out, as it means they have someone else they can rely on - there are never enough people who do, when it comes to clubs. The others probably do know each other, because they've helped out before, they will be keen to try and welcome you into the fold!

Ferngreen · 08/05/2022 18:27

You are catastrophising - but one thing is to think back to when you were out somewhere/ at a function/ wedding etc and you saw another adult behaving in a really embarrassed manner, not mixing, looking awkward, looking shy .............how many times can you think of that you observed that - I will hazard a guess and say none.

Because you would have been busy thinking about yourself, your relationships, your socialising - and so would everyone else. So no one actually sees or if they do they don't actually remember the odd woman/man because they are thinking about themselves.

Put it behind you.

Newbeginnings2 · 08/05/2022 18:29

Just a thought too, is there a close friend or family member who can come with you to help out as well next time? It may make you feel more at ease and less awkward moments and it’ll help you be more yourself and interact with the others if they are more confident to start the conversations. Once you’ve had a few conversations with the others you’ll feel much more confident going alone

oakleaffy · 08/05/2022 18:30

ShyEmbarrassment · 08/05/2022 17:32

I have social anxiety and I am extremely quiet in social situations. DD has recently joined a club. They had an activity day planned today at a venue. Due to a couple of volunteers falling ill they asked parents if anyone wanted to volunteers. I said yes thinking I will be ok and it will be nice to help out.

We were split up in 5 different groups of children and volunteers. I tried to help out as much as I could but I mainly stood on the sidelines and hardly interacted with the other volunteers. I felt so awkward and I am sure I was making the other parents feel awkward too. They seemed to know each other so that made me feel even worse. The odd parent spoke to me a little bit but it didn't really go anywhere.

I just wanted the day to end and felt so so embarrassed of myself. I barely spoke the whole day and all I can think of is what an absolute embarrassment I am to DD. I am utterly ashamed.

I have visions of all the organisers and volunteers laughing at me and thinking what a a crazy weirdo I am.

I wish I hadn't gone now and don't know what an earth I was thinking and dread facing them next week.

@ShyEmbarrassment People really won't be thinking that at all. I have done a fair bit of volunteering in 'Group' situations, and when one is 'New' it is hard, but you did really well. Quiet people are just as valuable as 'Loud' ones.
It makes a nice balance.
:)

BogRollBOGOF · 08/05/2022 18:32

It's anxiety playing games. As you go back it will get more familiar and easier.

Googlecanthelpme · 08/05/2022 18:33

Anxiety makes people so self involved. It’s like you can’t see anything past your own experience.

Why would people be laughing at you / talking about you? Do you think that all other adults are horrible arseholes? Yes some people are horrible but the majority of people are just regular average people who understand the complexities of life, of mental health, of how different people are etc.

Would you stand and laugh at someone suffering in a social situation, if the shoe were on the other foot? I doubt it. Most people don’t laugh and judge.

The woman asking you if you were ok was a decent human being realising that you had struggled and was reaching out to check.

it must be really hard and well done for putting yourself forward.

if you haven’t had therapy before I’d definitely recommend it. Anxiety is all driven by thought processes, they can be changed with some hard work.

ssd · 08/05/2022 18:33

Good for you for stepping up and volunteering. Its people like you who keep things going. Be proud of yourself. And don't worry about being quiet, we can't all be loud mouthed show offs. Empty vessels make the most noise and all that. Flowers

OuchitHurtstoomuch · 08/05/2022 18:34

Being very quiet and not comfortable in groups of people you don’t know isn’t the least bit unusual. If I was there I may well have noticed but id have just thought something along the lines of ‘oh that womens a bit shy’ and id either have gone over and said or leave you be. It’s just such a normal everyday type of thing that I doubt anyone’s given it much thought.
I imagine most people know plenty of people who are very quiet and shy.

Googlecanthelpme · 08/05/2022 18:35

ssd · 08/05/2022 18:33

Good for you for stepping up and volunteering. Its people like you who keep things going. Be proud of yourself. And don't worry about being quiet, we can't all be loud mouthed show offs. Empty vessels make the most noise and all that. Flowers

OP isn’t “quiet”, she suffers from severe social anxiety which affects her and now quite likely her child.
Being introverted and quiet is very different to serious anxiety

Onwards22 · 08/05/2022 18:40

I promise you that your DD would rather have you stand there quietly than constantly try to be the centre of attention.

I grew up with friends who had parents like that and it was very cringey for all involved.

The women could have just been making conversation.

You volunteered to help out.
You went and did what was expected of you.
Sounds like you did very well and you should be very proud of yourself.

Onwards22 · 08/05/2022 18:42

OP isn’t “quiet”, she suffers from severe social anxiety which affects her and now quite likely her child.

What BS.
OP still volunteered and get DD would have been proud that she did so.

Ignore these vipers.
Well done OP!

To make yourself feel better you could volunteer again and have a couple of phrases ready to say.

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 08/05/2022 18:49

Onwards22 · 08/05/2022 18:42

OP isn’t “quiet”, she suffers from severe social anxiety which affects her and now quite likely her child.

What BS.
OP still volunteered and get DD would have been proud that she did so.

Ignore these vipers.
Well done OP!

To make yourself feel better you could volunteer again and have a couple of phrases ready to say.

Agree. The fact she chose to put herself in a situation where she knew it would be hard is testament to her. Op be proud you offered.

Penguinevere · 08/05/2022 19:07

well done op. Keep fighting the anxiety for the sake of your daughter.

veronicagoldberg · 08/05/2022 19:10

You just need to get on with it at things like this. Enough with the introspection and navel-gazing.

I managed to drag myself out of crippling social anxiety by just watching and learning how to "play the game".

It helps to remember that you're not special - everyone is busy thinking about themselves.

Buzzinwithbez · 08/05/2022 19:36

That sounds like a very hard day. Well done for volunteering and I'm sure no one thought any of those things about you.
I've learnt that it helps to get feelings out into the open. When everyone knows everyone, a thing to do can be to acknowledge the situation.
"I feel a bit awkward here because it seems like everyone knows each other and I don't know anyone" can be a good ice breaker. Often there'll be someone in a group who is used to making Pele feel at ease who will then take the new person under their wing. If no one steps up, it's possible possible the Peele in the group have the same thing of feeling awkward and shy in new situations.

We had a situation recently when someone came to join our group. She sat on the sidelines and when we asked her to join us age said she was shy. Instead, our group "meter and greeter" ( the person naturally used to doing this, not their actual role" went and chatted to her and then when she looked comfortable I asked if they minded if I joined them and other people drifted over too. That way we'd joined their conversation, by which time they looked very at ease, rather than them having to figure out how to join ours.

winewolfhowls · 08/05/2022 19:40

Gosh I think it was amazing that you were willing to do something so far out of your comfort zone. Sometimes activities just need volunteer bodies to help supervision and keep an eye out,not all helpers need to be singing and dancing. Or alternatively,find the organisers and say that you would love to help but prefer behind the scenes jobs,they will bite your hand off for help washing up etc

YousirNames · 08/05/2022 19:48

I'm exactly the same OP, you are not alone. Sorry I can't help as I've know idea what the solution is, but you are definitely not alone 💐

Original poster
ShyEmbarrassment · 08/05/2022 19:51

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive words. I wish I could see it like you guys do. I don't see it as doing something brave / going out of my comfort zone. I know it's the anxiety which is making me hyper focussed on myself but tbh I have struggled with social anxiety since I was very very young. I just have flashbacks of my family being irritable and angry and with me for being quiet. I was and still am so immensely ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyEmbarrassment · 08/05/2022 19:54

Ferngreen · 08/05/2022 18:00

what do you think caused your social anxiety - anything traumatic in the past?
I am just looking at EMDR for anxiety. Perhaps you could research.

I have no idea. I have been like this from my earliest memories but I also remember being admonished and mocked for being like that which I think just exacerbated the problem.

Do you have social anxiety?

OP posts:
Florenz · 08/05/2022 20:01

They probably just thought you were a bit quiet. I really wouldn't worry too much about it. Although I know that's easier said than done.

Icecreamandapplepie · 08/05/2022 20:04

The more they get to know you (if they do, up to you!), they will learn you're just quiet and maybe a bit shy. Nothing wrong with that! If everyone was a chatty extrovert, it wouldn't be a very nice world now would it 😊

Well done for going, sure it meant alot to your daughter

Fatasbuggery · 08/05/2022 20:09

Your presence was enough !

Honestly these things are down to ratios and the fact that you were present was good enough today. You helped make the thing be possible and that is brilliant.

Others could have probably been more welcoming but sometimes people are stuck in their own 'stuff' and can't be as lovely as they would like. I guarantee at least one person will be sitting this evening and wishing they had helped try to make you more welcome. And there will be at least one other that had similar feelings to you (may be better practised at pretending)

It sounds like your dd needed someone to step up and help and you did. That is all they will be feeling tonight. Well done you !

Simplelobsterhat · 08/05/2022 20:16

Oh OP I can identify with that post socialising anxious feeling, analysing how it went and assuming others must have thought badly of you but it is just the anxiety talking.

From the title I thought you were going to have done something to really draw attention to yourself or offend someone, not just be quiet and a bit awkward. That's not something to be mortified about or that will really embarrass DD. Yes people might have noticed you were quiet but that doesn't mean they think badly of you - if anything the organiser probably asked if you were OK because they realised that maybe people hadn't been quite as welcoming as they could have been.

You did a good thing volunteering and pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. Of course it doesn't feel comfortable now, but in time with other steps like this maybe it will start to.