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Original poster

Was I wrong to explain my SH scars to ds?

48 replies

dogsandcoffee · 07/05/2022 22:44

I’ve got a huge thick scar on my arm as well as lots of smaller silvery ones from self harm 15 years ago. Ds asks questions about the big one all the time. He was just told it was due to an accident before.

Hes now 12 though and tonight he noticed all my silvery lines next to the big one and was fascinated. It totally caught me off guard. He asked where they all came from and I was really unsure what to say and I just said I’d rather not talk about it.

he then walked around after me around the house for literally half an hour saying please tell me mum over and over again. He kept guessing what they were and going on and on and on and I could see it wouldn’t end.

Eventually I sat him down and explained that 15 years ago I was very unwell with a mental illness and because I was not well I would hurt myself. He immediately burst into tears and hugged me really tight and I thought oh lord what have I done telling him that.

I explained how I’m totally fine now and that people sometimes go through illness of all different kinds and that it causes different behaviours. We also discussed different illnesses and how they can cause people to act. It was quite a long discussion. He teared up a bit again near the end and we had a long hug and I reassured him that I’m fine now. We sat and watched the football to take his mind off it after that.

I just keep thinking did I just do a dreadful thing? Did I handle it terribly?

I was caught so off guard and stumped for what to say. I should have seen that would happen one day.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 07/05/2022 22:51

Children at High school and even younger are now well aware of self harming due to the curriculum. He will probably be sad and a little shocked that it affected you but the topic itself won't be new to him. It sounds like you explained it in a very sensible and age appropriate way.

HerRoyalHappiness · 07/05/2022 22:53

I think you did the right thing explaining it to him as you did.

I have a 13 year old and he's aware of my abortion. His dad told him but I was the one who sat him down and explained the reasoning behind it and he asked how it was for me so I was honest with him and told him it was one of the most painful, physically and mentally, experiences of my life. He gave me a big hug and thanked me for being honest with him and told me he was sorry he can't do more to support me.
Likebyour son he was shocked that it had affected his mum, but was aware that it happens. Your son probably felt a little shocked that it had happened to you and wasn't just something teachers want kids to learn about. I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine.

PennyFleck · 07/05/2022 22:55

You told him the truth - many young adults will wish their parents were brave enough.
Tomorrow, follow up with a chat emphasising you were unwell and had noone to tell. But he does - you - and you won't be shocked. But don't make it about him, make it about 'if' one of his friends needs to talk.
You're doing ok.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 07/05/2022 23:00

I think you did great. I think children often do much better with honesty about the world than adults think.

You were centred, you were honest, you were still the parent able to be there for him. Give yourself a mental cuddle and pat on the back and keep going.

Oblomov22 · 07/05/2022 23:02

You did the right thing.

MonkeyPuddle · 07/05/2022 23:04

I think you handled that pretty bloody beautifully to be honest.

You gave your child age appropriate information, had a bit of a chat and a hug. Thats good.

well done lovely

RiverRats · 07/05/2022 23:10

You did the right thing. I have mental health issues and I try to explain to my children in an age appropriate way. They’re still very little now but if they’re older and ask similar questions to your DS I will tell them the truth, just the way you did. You handled it brilliantly.

quietnightmare · 07/05/2022 23:13

He is old enough sadly. It's like a child on his class is self harming. Maybe he will notice if children around him are self harming and be kind to them

quietnightmare · 07/05/2022 23:13

It's likely a child *

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 07/05/2022 23:16

I think you handled that really well to be honest.

Kids that age aren't idiots. He will have had sessions in school that discuss self harm by now I expect and he would have already been 99% sure that's what your scars are from.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 07/05/2022 23:17

quietnightmare · 07/05/2022 23:13

He is old enough sadly. It's like a child on his class is self harming. Maybe he will notice if children around him are self harming and be kind to them

Yes to this.

I had an ED when DD was younger. Obviously didn't hide it that well as she came to me worried that her friend had an ED and when I asked why she rather pointedly said she spotted the signs.

NewYorkCityDreamer · 07/05/2022 23:48

To be blunt, I was younger than him when I started so you handled it perfectly

purpleme12 · 08/05/2022 00:03

At 12 I think it's ok to tell him.

I used to self harm. The scars are fading now to be honest. Probably not obvious unless you're close. My child has asked me before although she must have been 7 or younger. I've said it's just skin!

I don't want to put ideas in her head but she's a lot younger than yours. It's good to be honest

LoveSpringDaffs · 08/05/2022 00:09

You did the right thing 💐

mocktail · 08/05/2022 00:14

I think you handled it well and his reaction shows that Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2022 00:17

It's a high 5 and a #ThatsGoodParenting from me OP

AliceMcK · 08/05/2022 00:24

You have definitely done the right thing. I think it’s very important to be open and honest with children especially about difficulties in our lives. All in an age appropriate way of course.

SlatsandFlaps · 08/05/2022 00:42

I must be the only one who thinks this was highly unacceptable at 12. This could've really traumatised or at least upset him. How can a 12 year old fully understand adult issues?

latetothefisting · 08/05/2022 01:03

I think you handled it really well and your ds sounds very kind and sensitive, bless him

However it might be worth in the morning having a bit of a chat about respecting people when they say they don't want to talk about something rather than pushing and pushing it....chances are t some point he's going to come into contact with a friend or whoever who doesn't want to discuss a private matter and will get distressed or annoyed at being nagged about it.

MolliciousIntent · 08/05/2022 01:22

SlatsandFlaps · 08/05/2022 00:42

I must be the only one who thinks this was highly unacceptable at 12. This could've really traumatised or at least upset him. How can a 12 year old fully understand adult issues?

It's woefully naïve to assume this is an adult issue. Self harm is incredibly prevalent among teens.

WhackingPhoenix · 08/05/2022 01:43

I think you handled it perfectly. But maybe it could also lead into a discussion with your DS about respecting people’s boundaries and accepting ‘no’ as a valid answer.

JustATomCat · 08/05/2022 06:19

My Mum self harmed too. It's all over her arms. When I was younger I also asked her how she got them and she said, I'll tell you when you're older. She didn't need to because when I got older I'd heard about it and just knew.

In your situation, it's difficult as your son was following you around but I still wouldn't have said anything to him as he's only 12. He might feel he can copy. So please be careful.

itsgettingweird · 08/05/2022 06:26

WhackingPhoenix · 08/05/2022 01:43

I think you handled it perfectly. But maybe it could also lead into a discussion with your DS about respecting people’s boundaries and accepting ‘no’ as a valid answer.

This was my initial thought.

You spoke very well and explained it brilliantly to your da but he also needs to learn that other peoples personal information is for them to volunteer - not be harassed to answer.

Although on the flip side of that I suspect your ds had suspicions they were SH scars - hence his badgering.

Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 08/05/2022 06:54

He said actually that self harm can also be when people pull their hair out. I can’t remember what he said when I asked how he knew about that but I’ll ask him again today and have a follow up chat about it.

During the discussion it also came up about why I don’t talk to my family. He knows they were bad parents and bad stuff happened but that’s about it at this point. He understood though that the mental illness was due to that history. He very sweetly said to me it’s in the past now mum and everything is ok now.

OP posts:
Ferngreen · 08/05/2022 07:14

You could also explain why your DPs were as they were (if you know) - they probably had bad childhoods too - rather than making it some people are born bad.