Was I wrong to explain my SH scars to ds?

[dogsandcoffee]

I’ve got a huge thick scar on my arm as well as lots of smaller silvery ones from self harm 15 years ago. Ds asks questions about the big one all the time. He was just told it was due to an accident before.

Hes now 12 though and tonight he noticed all my silvery lines next to the big one and was fascinated. It totally caught me off guard. He asked where they all came from and I was really unsure what to say and I just said I’d rather not talk about it.

he then walked around after me around the house for literally half an hour saying please tell me mum over and over again. He kept guessing what they were and going on and on and on and I could see it wouldn’t end.

Eventually I sat him down and explained that 15 years ago I was very unwell with a mental illness and because I was not well I would hurt myself. He immediately burst into tears and hugged me really tight and I thought oh lord what have I done telling him that.

I explained how I’m totally fine now and that people sometimes go through illness of all different kinds and that it causes different behaviours. We also discussed different illnesses and how they can cause people to act. It was quite a long discussion. He teared up a bit again near the end and we had a long hug and I reassured him that I’m fine now. We sat and watched the football to take his mind off it after that.

I just keep thinking did I just do a dreadful thing? Did I handle it terribly?

I was caught so off guard and stumped for what to say. I should have seen that would happen one day.

I'm really sorry for what you've experienced OP.

I think decisions like this are very personal so I wouldn't say you were 'wrong' but it's not an approach I would favour. I think being open with your DC, especially where it relates to them is good. I think telling a 12 yo that you self-harmed is too much for them to take on at that age. I also don't think it's necessary for them to know at that age.

You think 12 year olds don't self harm? Don't have poor mental health?

Sorry - I’m alone here, but no, 12 is too young.

12 years is not too young to know. He was told age appropriately, not gory details. Sadly he may already know some.of his peers are sh or have done in the past. My dd started sh at the age of 7, started with biting, punching, pulling hair, she has now turned to using implements, compass, scissors etc. My dd will tell me when she's done it and we have an open and honest chat. She's now 13.

I will not be drawn into judging whether you did the right thing for your child relative to his age, because in my experience some 12 year olds are much more mature than their peers.
If it felt right to tell your son and you were able to have an open discussion then I'm pleased for both of you.
Good communication between parents about difficult subjects in most cases is very important.

Well done op. I think you handled that well and it’s somewhat relieving to know how it went! Waiting anxiously for a similar conversation one day here.

As I understand it, the best current research tell us that misguidedly protecting children from the uglier sides of reality is much more damaging to their mental health than compassionate honesty; it amounts to giving children a continuous message that they can't cope with things that they already know about because they live in the world and have eyes and ears.

For those posters saying that 12 is too young I'm assuming you don't have older age Primary children or aren't aware of the teaching of MH in schools.

When I was at school I barely knew what self harm was, we probably did 1 lesson on it in PSHE.

DD came home in year 6 telling me about self harm as they covered it during mental health week.

I work in a secondary school, we cover it regularly in PSHE lessons, counsellors in to talk to students etc, it is no longer a taboo subject, talking about self harm and 'wanting to kill themselves" whether meaning it or just exaggerating because they are finding work hard is an everyday occurance. Students self harm in front of friends over social media, take the sharpener blades out of sharpeners during lessons whether in jest or to actually use them. In some schools it's a social contagion and pacts are made and students do it together or make OD pacts. And this starts as young as Yr 7 and below and quite frankly its terrifying but knowing his mum experienced it and came out the other side can only be a good thing.

I think that's what you call absolutely smashing parenting OP. You were honest in an age appropriate way, gentle and reassuring and you told the truth without being patronising or infantilising him.

Great job (and glad you are better now)

I think you're honesty was admirable. Just be super, super reassuring now and keep the lines of communication open.

The one thing I'd want to discuss is that he might feel that he needs to walk on egg shells around you now in case you go back to self harming - that he has to protect you. That is not a role he should be taking on at his young age so I think it's important to stress that you are a lot older now and much more able to cope with difficult things and hat you now have much healthier ways of coping with them - and maybe list some examples of the different ways of coping ie talking to someone like a friend or a counsellor, being able to speak up for yourself and tell people when they are not treating you as they should, being able to say no, taking care of yourself by making sure you eat and sleep properly etc.

Those saying 12 is too young, or this is an adult issue presumably - thankfully - don't have direct experience of SH themselves. Like PPs have shared, that's the age I was when I started to do it. It's also predominantly a teen/young adult issue, which ironically makes taking about it as an adult tougher.
OP, it sounds to me like you handled it brilliantly. My guess is that he asked because it's something already on his radar and that his upset may in part be down to processing that it's something that effected his mum. When we are young we don't always think of out parents as actual people! I'd echo what others said about a follow up conversation re boundaries and consent, if people don't want to share their personal stories. An adult who has successfully moved past it as a coping mechanism will likely be less trigged by this conversation - I hope you are ok - than a friend or class mate who is in the middle of it. And wider consent conversations are if course always a good idea.

This made me well up. What a beautiful soul your son is.

Fwiw I think you did exactly the right thing op and handled it brilliantly.

This X 10000000. I think it's great you were able to explain it to him, I wish I'd had such open communication with my dad about his mental illnesses but at the time I was worried that talking to him would make him feel worse, and that he'd be suicidal again. Looking back, being able to talk about how he was feeling would have helped all of us and made it less scary, but that wasn't the done thing in my family.

I think there's a fear that talking about this stuff makes kids want to copy/do it themselves, but I very much doubt that's the case. I'm all for age-appropriate discussions of this kind of thing so kids can look out for each other if they notice something that doesn't seem right. No point pretending it doesn't exist until they're older teenagers when it's clear that even young kids are self harming. Surely early intervention is better?

I must be the only one who thinks this was highly unacceptable at 12. This could've really traumatised or at least upset him. How can a 12 year old fully understand adult issues?

Self harm is hardly an adult issue, and it doesn’t sound like he was traumatised. I firmly believe that if kids are old enough to ask the question (about whatever it may be), they’re old enough to get an honest, age appropriate answer. Otherwise we risk raising their curiosity and they look for answers from other, less reliable, sources.

OP it sounds like you dealt with it well, which is hard when you’ve been caught off guard. I’d just continue to touch base with him in case he’s got any more questions and offer lots of reassurance but I don’t think for a second you were wrong to tell him.

Posters saying that those saying 12 is too young to talk about OP's own self harm are clearly unaware that SH can exist for children and young teens are (patronisingly) missing the point.

I didn't agree that this was the correct course of action - tho with the caveat that it's a personal decision so very dependent the individuals concerned

It doesn't at all mean that I'm unaware of MH / SH issues in DC

It's that the emotional challenge for a child having to deal with a serious MH issue that their parent has faced is too great.

I'm not at all averse to talking to DC about serious matters that affect them eg I've been honest with my DC about serious illness faced within the family, issues around my divorce and the way their father has behaved and so on.

I just feel this issue potentially creates a worry & knowledge of (in this case) an adult issue the child didn't need to know about. Again, ultimately OP is best placed to decide of course

He asked you a question and you answered it honestly in an age appropriate way. Nothing could possibly be wrong about that.

Your ds will appreciate you telling him the truth, and he will be far more likely to share stuff with you if he needs to. It sounds like you have done more than enough to reassure him that you're well now and that he doesn't need to worry about it.

He sounds like a lovely, caring, sensitive soul. How lucky you are to have him. And how lucky he is to have you.

12 year old know about self harm. They are also pretty good at sniffing out when their parents are hiding stuff from them. I certainly knew at that age when my mum was trying to shelter me from the truth, and I would spend ages speculating about what was behind the stuff that she didn't want to tell me.

Much better to have an open and honest but reassuring conversation with a child than to leave them scared and guessing at half truths.

It's that the emotional challenge for a child having to deal with a serious MH issue that their parent has faced is too great.

I think that’s a fair point, however the child had noticed the scars and had been asking about them. Without explanation the child may fill in the blanks with something more distressing or scary, I’d also not want to lie to them - they need to know I’m trustworthy. It’s possible to give a 12 year old an honest, age appropriate, answer to the question with the reassurance that the parent is ok now and has been for a long time.

The first time they asked I’d probably have deflected the question in some way but if they’re repeatedly asking there’s a point when not explaining is worse than talking it through.

I did stress to him many times yesterday that I’m totally fine now and that is was many years back. I asked him if he was ok after our conversation today and he said yes. I said to him that if he knows about someone self harming in the future then he will know what that is and he can be a good friend to them.

he seems totally fine today, his normal bouncy self. He bought me a Wispa earlier from the corner shop. ❤️

I think this is very difficult and personally I believe it would have been better to habe created a cover story thay would have kept him happier and not asking the questions for a bit longer. Not answering properly is what’s caused him to go on.

the reason I say this is not because I think 12 is too young to Learn about self harming, it’s not, but this wasn’t a lesson on self harming, this was about his mother being very Ill, I personally think it’s too young to hear about a parents serious mental illness and a distressing one at that, and the fact he immediately started crying would indicate this to be correct, and if he’s off buying you a wispa and he doesn’t normally behave like this then it’s possible he’s unsettled and scared and hiding it.

is hi father on the scene? If so I’d probably have him have a word, as he likely will only tell you he is fine as he won’t want you to feel bad, and both keep an eye, if not then you need to keep an eye as he maybe scared if yoire all he has.

it’s done now, but I think keep a watchful eye on him, as he is still very young to learn this about a parent.

Interesting discussion.
there’s loads of my pre children past that I will never share with them because I wasn’t a parent at the time and also it’s my business not theirs. Having also shared my asd dx with my dx when they were diagnosed that’s massively come back to bite me now they are an older teen - they don’t see me as someone to aspire to (I’m unattractive and don’t earn a lot and ‘am weird’ so have little social value in their shallow teenage eyes) and have used it against me. Teenagers are hugely influenced by their peers and I don’t plan handing them any sticks to beat me with re: terminations, substances, medical history beyond what they need to know.

Yep definitely appropriately handled! I was 14 when I started self harming, I had no idea what it was called, that any one else in the world had ever done it, or even really what it meant. I only knew it helped me cope, yet I was so ashamed and alone with it. If I'd had someone to open up to about it perhaps I'd have been given better coping mechanisms. Nothing wrong with a 12 year old knowing about mental illness either, even in their parents.

Similar here. I started self harming in sixth form. No one knew how to deal with it at all, and I was kicked out. Carried on my further education at a local college instead of being around friends in a familiar environment.

Being taught about mental health in school should be as accepted being taught about nutrition and fitness.