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Original poster

Please help, leaving abusive dp

37 replies

SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 00:42

There's a lot of back story but short story is, have had a massive fight with dp tonight, he threw my work bag across the room and dragged me across the living room by my throat.

We are both at the end of the line. He's fed up of me 'not pulling my weight' (I work full time and do as much housework and child care as he does but I stayed at home when dc was small so he's had to pick up the slack) and I'm fed up of walking on eggshells.

Been together 15 years, not married and one 8yo dc.

He owns the house solely (was an inheritance).

He's trying to get me to move back with my dm who is a 40 minute drive (I can't drive) or 2 hours by bus away.

I can't get to dc school or to the hospital I work in from there without a taxi.

Have been on the phone to my dm who has been totally supportive and calmed dp down.

I'm working 7am-9pm tomorrow and dm is coming on Friday so help us put ducks in a row.

I don't really know what I want out of this thread, just the vipers support I think but if you got this far thank you for reading

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 04/05/2022 00:52

If he dragged you across the room by your throat he is a violent man and this could escalate quickly. Please call the police to protect yourself (& your child)

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 00:53

I think I'm safe at the moment, he's gone to sleep. I'm bedded down on the couch and I'm just really on edge.

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 04/05/2022 00:56

But what about tomorrow OP? He seems to be violent and abusive. When you move out will your child be spending time with him alone? I'd be very concerned about allowing that if he's so violent.

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 00:59

He's never laid a finger on dc and I genuinely don't think he ever would. His malice is solely directed at me and he and have a very loving relationship. With his treatment of me taken out of the picture he is objectively a good father.

I leave for work before he gets up tomorrow morning. I don't know about the evening.

I feel like I'm limbo and can't stop crying

OP posts:
AutumnOlive14 · 04/05/2022 01:01

OP, I know it's hard as he is your long term partner, but please contact the police and womans aid. For your own safety and that of your child. Push through that initial fear of leaving him, you'll come out on the other side and life will be so much better for you.

greyinganddecaying · 04/05/2022 01:02

If he can turn on you, what will happen when your DC starts to challenge him/"not pull his weight"?

Regardless of anything else he's assaulted you. I'm not surprised you're so upset.

AutumnOlive14 · 04/05/2022 01:05

He has assaulted you and your relationship has taken a very quick and drastic turn. You're bound to feel all sorts of emotions right now. Please take care of yourself and your DC. He may be a loving father, but his actions towards you will begin to rub off onto your DC - children can sense when something is wrong.

Valhalla17 · 04/05/2022 01:09

You should call the police. He's dragged you across the floor by your neck. If he can do it to you, he can do it to anyone....including your child.

You work FT but he owns the house - do you pay any of the mortgage etc? Does he work?

He can't make you move to your DMs, does he want you to have that difficulty so your ds has to stay with him?

Forget DM coming to speak to you both, she needs to guide YOU in this, so you get the best solution for you and your child. You should also seek womens aid advice in this situation.

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 01:12

We have been very rocky for a long time and had another big fight a couple of weeks ago where he shoved me out of the front door in my pyjamas in the middle of the night. So it's not exactly out of the blue.

I have absolutely no intention of staying but I can't find a place to rent over night. Dm has said her door is open if I need an emergency out.

I have no idea how I'm going to afford living alone now and support dc, I earn around 18k before tax.

I think the reality that I will be a single unwed mother is starting to sink in.

It will be nice to not have to walk on eggshells

OP posts:
Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 01:15

I very nearly did phone the police, but he took my phone out of my hand and wouldn't give it back. He also took my house keys but I have those back too for now.
He messaged my mum off his phone asking her to take me and dc tonight. She called on my phone and we had a very long conversation on speaker all three of us. Mil is coming on Friday too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 01:18

I don't pay any bills or the mortgage, my earnings are 'fun money' so I pay for days out, etc. I buy all the food and dc clothes and uniforms etc. He earns almost twice what I do.

OP posts:
TheLadyDIdGood · 04/05/2022 05:53

You report him to the police either online or via the phone ASAP. I don't think you realise how close you were to dying. He dragged you across the room by your throat. So if you moved the wrong way or he applied too much pressure he'd have killed you.

Do you really want to leave your child motherless with this abusive man. Your mum and mil are both pandering to this abuser by calming him down. Why didn't your dm call the police, I would have done if it happened to my dc.

www.police.uk/pu/contact-the-police/what-and-how-to-report/how-to-report/

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

www.womensaid.org.uk/

WeAreTheHeroes · 04/05/2022 06:33

Dragging you across the room by the throat = abuse
Pushing you outside in your pyjamas = abuse
Taking your phone off you = abuse
Taking your keys off you = abuse

Stop minimising what he is doing and get the hell out of there with your child.

sandgrown · 04/05/2022 06:45

take control a d go to your mum's tomorrow. There is no point discussing this with him. If you can find somewhere to rent you may be able to claim Universal Credit . You can also claim child maintenance. Check all the online calculators . It will be hard at first . I left my emotionally abusive partner 18 months ago and it is so nice not to be walking on eggshells. Good luck x

GrazingSheep · 04/05/2022 06:48

Please report him.
is your child aware of what is happening to you ?

RainbowToes · 04/05/2022 06:57

Ring police
Ring women's aid
Don't delay, get away from him immediately.

maryandtrees · 04/05/2022 07:07

You do need to call the police OP. You really need to leave and never come back. At least have this documented with the police as, if he has turned on you, he could do the same to your 8 year old when he has him for the day or weekend.

You really should also speak with someone at work. They could help you. Also, speak with some of the recommendations further up the page.

Solongtoshort · 04/05/2022 07:30

l imagine you won’t read this if you have made it to work. Recently l went to hospital and they asked me a safe guarding question which was Are you scared of anyone? Walking on eggshells implies you are scared and from what l have read you have course to be.

If by any chance you do read this just tell someone you need help, they will help you get a plan together. You are worth a lot more to your child and everyone in your life than staying in/around this man. Even if your child moves school and you have to get a new job, it will be ok, it will all be better than staying in this relationship and phone the police. Also he can’t be a good dad if he is doing that to his child’s mother, what kind of role model are you giving your child. If you don’t speak up l hope someone notices you aren’t yourself or notices any injuries to your neck and asks you if you are ok.

On Saturday my friend was hospitalised by her husband of 20 years, l am heartbroken that she has never spoke to me and told me, l have giving her plenty of chances too. I always knew something wasn’t right, l was scared of him, l always left when he got home and my husband didn’t like him much either. Reading your post has me me cry because l don’t want to read about you ending up in this situation. You are worth more, you will be ok.

Please get help and don’t wait till Friday.

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 08:28

I got to work and my colleagues spotted something was up, they are lovely girls so I told them exactly what happened and they went to get our ward manager (who is equally lovely). She has sent me home and given me emergency leave. I'm not due back in work until Saturday and she said just call her closer to the time if I can or can't make it in.

Colleague who has been through the same has given me some very good pointers. I'm on the way home. Going to get a long hot shower and call my dm

OP posts:
Solongtoshort · 04/05/2022 11:08

Please keep as safe as you can.

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 13:55

Me and dc are going to my dm tonight and tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do after that tbh, my head is very much still up my arse but I'm glad my manager sent me home

OP posts:
TheLadyDIdGood · 04/05/2022 16:36

When you get to your mum's house, call the police and let them know what happened for 2 main reasons.

  1. If he goes for custody of the dc, they'll think twice before awarding a man with a domestic violence record custody of vulnerable children.
  1. If he becomes abusive in another relationship, they'll come down hard on him. It's good to have this on his record even if you decide not to press charges. He's banking on you keeping your mouth shut so it'll be good for him to be thrown in the cells for a night to give him time to reflect on his actions.
MrsMoastyToasty · 04/05/2022 16:58

If you saw a woman I the street being dragged by her throat by a man . You would report to the police. Just because its someone you know and is supposed to love and respect you it shouldn't make any difference. What he did was a criminal act.

Get out
Get away.

Sort out the details later.

Dillydollydingdong · 04/05/2022 17:04

This man is making it crystal clear that he doesn't want you and the relationship is over. You're unmarried and the house is in his sole name. So go! Get out! Leave now! Go to your dm's and don't come back. Your dp is a violent abusive bully.

something2say · 04/05/2022 17:08

Yes phone the helpline and speak to an advisor.
You'll end up with a tailored plan.
You must protect your child from this, by law I'm afraid.
It would greatly help to report him and get statements.
A plan will formulate.
But think....its over now, done. You don't ever have to live with him again. You can collect your things with a police escort.
When you pack for your mums, think passports, meds, jewelry.
X
Get that personal plan made, you'll feel sooo much better.