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Original poster

Please help, leaving abusive dp

37 replies

SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 00:42

There's a lot of back story but short story is, have had a massive fight with dp tonight, he threw my work bag across the room and dragged me across the living room by my throat.

We are both at the end of the line. He's fed up of me 'not pulling my weight' (I work full time and do as much housework and child care as he does but I stayed at home when dc was small so he's had to pick up the slack) and I'm fed up of walking on eggshells.

Been together 15 years, not married and one 8yo dc.

He owns the house solely (was an inheritance).

He's trying to get me to move back with my dm who is a 40 minute drive (I can't drive) or 2 hours by bus away.

I can't get to dc school or to the hospital I work in from there without a taxi.

Have been on the phone to my dm who has been totally supportive and calmed dp down.

I'm working 7am-9pm tomorrow and dm is coming on Friday so help us put ducks in a row.

I don't really know what I want out of this thread, just the vipers support I think but if you got this far thank you for reading

OP posts:
Summerholidayorcovidagain · 04/05/2022 17:12

Ime better a clean break than battling for a divorce with such a cretin. Can you speak to the council about housing or private ll? They can help with deposit and bond if you use their accredited ll scheme ime. Claim benefits online tonight.

TheLadyDIdGood · 04/05/2022 20:45

england.shelter.org.uk/

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 04/05/2022 23:28

Thanks everyone. Dc doesn't know what is happening other than me and his father are not getting on atm. He asked why and I just said that it wasn't something I thought he should know and he seemed OK with that.

Going to speak to citizens advice and the council and possibly women's aid tomorrow. I am considering police but, without meaning to sound cliche I have known this man 15 years and know he would not hurt dc so don't really want ss involved if I can avoid it.

Dc wants to see his father so I will let them see each other tomorrow after school. I will not keep them from having a relationship.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/05/2022 23:34

You reporting the violence does not stop your DC having a relationship with his father. The courts very very rarely consider violence against the mother as a factor in contact or primary residency/shared residency arrangements.

It's about you being protected plus any future women he has a relationship with.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 04/05/2022 23:41

You sound very level headed, despite the horrible circumstances. I agree with what everyone else has said and echo that you must report this to the police. 💐

Nchangeagain · 28/03/2023 10:09

@SusanSHelit how are things going? Did you stay separated?

Original poster
SusanSHelit · 05/04/2023 20:20

@Nchangeagain i did and am now happily dating a lovely man I knew in college! He was equally lovely 15 years ago but neither of us were single then. We're off to wedding together next month, which is quite exciting

Ds thinks he sounds like a 'pretty cool guy' too and wants to meet him (he only knows of him as friend) but I'm going slow on that one

OP posts:
Original poster
SusanSHelit · 05/04/2023 20:31

And you were all also of course completely correct. Getting out was the best thing I've ever done and I should have done it years ago.

Ex said to me the other day that the reason I had been sick the last couple of weeks was because 'it's exhausting doing everything, you're probably burnt out'

I just bit my tongue because I'm considerably less stressed and less burnt out /exhausted than I was this time last year. The wonders of living (and sleeping) in peace!

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 05/04/2023 20:40

You can claim Universal credit straight away. It's not likely to be much with no housing costs and just one child but at least if you have a claim open then you can just add rent costs once you find a place to live. Take sick leave if you need to until you get sorted. Apply for child maintenance straight away as if he's a high earner that will be a good portion of your income.

FatherJoseFernandez · 05/04/2023 20:45

TheLadyDIdGood · 04/05/2022 16:36

When you get to your mum's house, call the police and let them know what happened for 2 main reasons.

  1. If he goes for custody of the dc, they'll think twice before awarding a man with a domestic violence record custody of vulnerable children.
  1. If he becomes abusive in another relationship, they'll come down hard on him. It's good to have this on his record even if you decide not to press charges. He's banking on you keeping your mouth shut so it'll be good for him to be thrown in the cells for a night to give him time to reflect on his actions.

This ⬆️ absolutely. Would you trust him with DC with his temper? Did you receive any injuries when he grabbed you? If so, take pictures and point out to your DM / MIL. Is he controlling in other ways? Best of luck to you and DC xx

FatherJoseFernandez · 05/04/2023 20:48

Ignore me 🙄 didn’t realise it’s an old post!! So glad things worked out x

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