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Original poster

To be so tired and fed up with the mental load of life

37 replies

biancab · 03/05/2022 19:59

I'v had a bit of a stressful and rubbish week. I started a new job last week and am now working full time. Have 2DC, one with complex needs who needs a lot of extra support. DH works but has reduced his hours to allow for school pick ups. He does do housework, but his version and my version are two completely different things. He things if the house is 'tidy' then it's fine.

I came in from work at 5.30, the house appeared tidy but on closer inspection there is 3 loads of washing to do, 2 loads to put away. Dinner to be prepped and cooked, shopping to be ordered, animals to be walked and fed, kids to be washed etc. The house hasn't been swept/mopped and the bathroom hasn't been cleaned. Also had to book doctor's appointment and remind DH that the kids have dentist tomorrow as well as parents evening. I have just finished my dinner and now have to hang washing up and prep lunches for tomorrow. Luckily I did all the ironing for the week last night.

I am honestly absolutely exhausted and I'm wondering how people work full time, have tidy homes and happy kids. I feel exhausted not just from physically not stopping, but also mentally not being able to switch off, even at work I am still thinking of things that I have to do when I get in or grabbing stuff in my lunch break.

Not ideas to cope with the mental load of life!

OP posts:
Llamasally · 03/05/2022 20:01

Outsourcing. You can’t do it all unless you massively drop your standards IMO. Can you get a cleaner? Send out the laundry? Get a meal delivery service a few days a week? Maybe try giving DH very specific jobs and agree together what good looks like for them?

PrincessRamone · 03/05/2022 20:02

Wow, there is a hell of a lot that needs doing in your house in one day!

vouldnt you map/sweep at the weekend? Could some of the washing wait for another evening? Surely a shared calendar would help for dentist appointments rather than you having to remember them and pass the info on.

Original poster
biancab · 03/05/2022 20:04

Not sure we could really justify outsourcing things at the moment. I would absolutely love to have a cleaner but I don't think our finances could stretch to it. We have a shared calendar, but DH won't check it or forget. Its the small but important things, remembering birthdays, after school clubs etc that I have to constantly think about. It's driving me insane as well as making me feel completely exhausted.

OP posts:
Botoxbotox · 03/05/2022 20:05

Fucking hell I hear you!

We've just had some terrible news thats not only emotionally upsetting but also throws my barely managing by the skin of my teeth schedule up in the air, DH just keeps saying it'll be OK and work itself out. I honestly want to punch him in the face.

I've just today engaged a cleaning company, its costing a fucking fortune but I'm unable to be a slave to the family anymore whilst no fucker does anything to help.

The bastard school want some sort of outfit / craft / change of schedule thing every fucking week, plus the endless spellings and homework.

It can all fuck off.

PrincessRamone · 03/05/2022 20:08

Its the small but important things, remembering birthdays, after school clubs etc that I have to constantly think about.

Just don’t go it. Make it clear to your DH that he needs to share that mental load, let him fail and let him deal with the consequences if he doesn’t bother. You’re not his mum, and by mothering him you are being a martyr.

Chewbecca · 03/05/2022 20:28

Why do you need to sweep/mop and clean the bathroom on a Tuesday and how come so much washing? Do you have a schedule for cleaning with when & who?

Original poster
biancab · 03/05/2022 20:33

@PrincessRamone I can't not do it, my kids will suffer if I don't. My oldest DC can't cope if her favourite foods aren't in or if her routine is out of sync so I don't really have much choice. Also can't do it for one DC and not the other. DH isn't useless or anything, he does tidy but its everything else.

I have to clean the bathroom as otherwise it's dirty, likewise with sweeping and moping.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 03/05/2022 20:41

How often do you clean the bathroom and sweep / mop?

pitterpatterrain · 03/05/2022 20:43

In all honesty the way you are describing “having” to mop things I probably have lower standards

But as a PP mentioned my DH does his share, invites are on calendars, we have a cleaner and frankly we never iron

Whose birthdays are they? Again most adults I know aren’t actually fussed at doing cards / pressies, and any birthday’s on my DH side of the family aren’t for me to think about

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 03/05/2022 20:49

Can you simplify some things? Eg birthdays/Christmas gifts, other than your own children just give others age appropriate gift cards, or an amazon voucher. Just have a stock of them and some generic birthday cards. Sign them from blancab family and just use the pile through the year. Make a block family booking for dentists. DD all bills. Etc

TheCrowFromBelow · 03/05/2022 20:50

You need to tell him this. You’re one week into being back at work FT, sounds like a huge change, cut yourself and your family some slack!
If you don’t want to be completely stressed either you let your DH take on the daily cleaning stuff you used to do (and maybe accept it isn’t done to “your standard”) or you get a cleaner once a week and let everything go in between.
re calendar stuff - share the mental load for 5 mins each night, both of you go over the week ahead together and if needed, you delegate everything to him. Just Until he gets in the swing of you’re not automatically sorting everything and he needs to do stuff.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/05/2022 20:51

Sorry but I am also questioning the frequency of some of these tasks. Do you usually mop and sweep and clean the bathroom every day? I get that washing is piling up but do you all still have clean clothes for tomorrow? At least then it can wait another day..

Online shopping is great and then either of you can add items to the list. Get your DH to set alarms on his phone as reminders on the days of after school clubs.

Paq · 03/05/2022 20:51

Your DH is simple not doing enough. You need to sit him down and give him a good talking to.

ReadyToMoveIt · 03/05/2022 20:51

Do you sweep and mop every day?

cpjoli · 03/05/2022 20:52

Oh yes !!! Worked 7 am til 6pm. Home. Cooked and served dinner. DS 18 had a strop as I woke him up, DSS 11 had a strop. I finished some work. Walked dog and did tesco order. And repeat til Friday. I'm drained and struggling.

Nidan2Sandan · 03/05/2022 20:53

Lower your standards.

I do all my laundry on a saturday. We're a family of 5 and have multiple sports kits each as well but over a weekend, with some organisation it's done, dried, folded and put away no bother.

Kitchen is cleaned as we go. Bathrooms cleaned weekly at weekends. Floors hoovered 2-3 times a week. I usually do these as soon as I get in from work or DH does it on his WFH days.

I have one of those flash mop thingys so mopping takes about 10 mins a couple of times as week straight after hovering.

I think you're going to have to start to be more realistic about what are daily jobs and what are weekend jobs and pass some life admin to DH.

My husband is quite capable of doing school runs, kids club stuff, lunchbox AND he will even sort groceries!! (But a weekly Tesco delivery slot is a lifesaver).

Chill out, no one died from an unvaccuumed floor 🙂

PrincessRamone · 03/05/2022 20:54

I have to clean the bathroom as otherwise it's dirty, likewise with sweeping and moping.

You don’t need to clean the bathroom, sweep and mop every day.

I can't not do it, my kids will suffer if I don't.

Of course you can. There are two parents.Your DH needs to be made aware that if he fails to parent then the consequences will be that his children are unhappy. Do you really think your kids wouldn’t survive this?

Campingandwine · 03/05/2022 20:54

We have agreed who does which jobs. For example, he does all the primary school admin. We do remind each other but ultimately that person is responsible. Last week he forgot to order school lunches for our kid in Reception so he knew he had to make the school lunch boxes.

Hollyhead · 03/05/2022 20:56

I only clean the bathroom once a week, kitchen floor swept 1-2 times a week, other areas god knows - I recently did the stairs for the first time in 3 months, no one died and the before/after effect was awesome!

I prioritise work and the childrens education/happiness.

Tainging99 · 03/05/2022 20:56

It’s v exhausting. In reality I do the birthdays, appts etc too. No matter how hard I try my DH won’t change. So now I have a stock of birthday cards from Amazon, school friends gifts are bought en mass in the sale, my husband’s family usually get vouchers for restaurants etc. No ironing gets done, cleaning is at weekends abd I have a cleaner for two hours every fortnight to help with mopping floors etc. Our house is not immaculate but I’ve accepted that

Noisyprat · 03/05/2022 20:56

What has your DH done this evening?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 03/05/2022 20:57

Drop standards , weekdays I tidy up not really cleaning except kitchen but even then it’s loading unloading dishwasher / wipe down surfaces / empty bins .
washing peg out in morning bring in at night .
bathroom quick wipe down and toilet bleach down quick clean as and when .
moping / hoovering/ dusting and properly cleaning done on weekends.
can’t afford a cleaner and I’m too tired to care in evenings.

Only4You · 03/05/2022 21:12

Well the obvious answer is that your DH needs to do more.

The house was supposed to be tidy anyway (unless it was a huge mess when you all left home this morning?)
So I would expected him to start the meal and out the washing away once back home.
And as he is the one doing the pickups, I’d also make him responsible of all the school related stuff/dentists etc…

Its all well and good to say he has reduced his hours to do school pickups. But there is more to be a full time parent than picking children up. There is also parenting them, feeding them, ensuring they have clean clothes etc etcetc..
I suspect just now he feels like he is an AMAZING dad and husband just because he is the one who reduced is hours and is doing the school run….

AffIt · 03/05/2022 21:13

Realistically, who or what will die if you don't do X?

Sounds harsh, but if you yourself are drowning, that's what it comes down to.

Only4You · 03/05/2022 21:14

biancab · 03/05/2022 20:33

@PrincessRamone I can't not do it, my kids will suffer if I don't. My oldest DC can't cope if her favourite foods aren't in or if her routine is out of sync so I don't really have much choice. Also can't do it for one DC and not the other. DH isn't useless or anything, he does tidy but its everything else.

I have to clean the bathroom as otherwise it's dirty, likewise with sweeping and moping.

Why is it that YOU don’t have much choice because it would be detrimental to your dcs but somehow YOUR DH has a lot of choice of what he does, despite the fact him not doing all that has the same detrimental effect in his dcs???

Time for him to step up!!