To be so tired and fed up with the mental load of life

[biancab]

I'v had a bit of a stressful and rubbish week. I started a new job last week and am now working full time. Have 2DC, one with complex needs who needs a lot of extra support. DH works but has reduced his hours to allow for school pick ups. He does do housework, but his version and my version are two completely different things. He things if the house is 'tidy' then it's fine.

I came in from work at 5.30, the house appeared tidy but on closer inspection there is 3 loads of washing to do, 2 loads to put away. Dinner to be prepped and cooked, shopping to be ordered, animals to be walked and fed, kids to be washed etc. The house hasn't been swept/mopped and the bathroom hasn't been cleaned. Also had to book doctor's appointment and remind DH that the kids have dentist tomorrow as well as parents evening. I have just finished my dinner and now have to hang washing up and prep lunches for tomorrow. Luckily I did all the ironing for the week last night.

I am honestly absolutely exhausted and I'm wondering how people work full time, have tidy homes and happy kids. I feel exhausted not just from physically not stopping, but also mentally not being able to switch off, even at work I am still thinking of things that I have to do when I get in or grabbing stuff in my lunch break.

Not ideas to cope with the mental load of life!

And btw, your DH IS useless if the only thing he ça;do is tidy and pick up the dcs from school.

As you’ve said yourself, there is much much more to running a house than doing the school run a dm tidying up.

Could you afford a robot hoover? You may also have to lower your standards. Also have jobs that you and DH do daily.
eg DH must put a load of washing/put away a load of washing each day.
maybe look at TOMM - the Organise mum method.
Maybe DH had birthdays and you have after school activities? If he forgets them it’s not your responsibility.

I am wondering if it might help if you ,lowered your standards. Try making a list of what are the priorities each day and just make sure that one of you is allocated those tasks. Let the rest go hang!

We just went through a similar thing here and you need to be very clear with DH what his role is. Well if he’s anything like my DH anyway. He was used to me doing it all (I was a sahm) so it was a change for us both.

I did specifically have to tell him after getting home to breakfast plates still on table at 5pm, dishwasher not done, cat litter not cleaned, bins not emptied, nobody fed dinner - just waiting for me! that he has to do these specific jobs. Now he does do them. I don’t expect laundry or cleaning though unless there’s an actual mess made, but that’s us and I don’t work full time.

You just need to be sure he knows what he needs to do. And what you need to do. Divide up the responsibilities and then leave him to it. If you’ve previously done it all then he won’t just know. Even though it’s super frustrating as he’s a grown adult and surely he can see the mess!

Kids dentist etc goes on a calendar. DH is doing pick up, it's up to him to check the calendar and make sure kids are where they need to be when he's on duty. Sweeping, mopping, bathroom cleaning, doesn't need doing daily. I'm a sahm and the floor gets swept in the kitchen daily, everywhere else is approx once or twice a week. Mopping is a few times a week in the kitchen. Bathrooms once a week. All other hard floors, once or twice a fortnight. That's with a 3 year old who is potty training and a 4 year old at home so we certainly get crumbs and mud and little wee accidents occasionally. It doesn't need more than that.
DH can take the dogs out while you do something else. It doesn't all need to fall on you.

Had a horrible day too, felt like crying on the way to work and was so distracted I nearly walked in front of a car. My dd9 is autistic and we had the most horrendous morning with me battling to get her into school. My job has changed as my boss has retired and my new boss is a bit tricky and we have a new person in the office who I'm not sure about. Alll in all a shit day !!

Also birthdays, DH should be sorting his own family birthdays. You do yours. All birthdays go on the calendar. At the end of the month, I check the calendar for next month, note all birthdays, decide on presents and order them, put cards on the shopping list and get them when I do the food shop, likewise wrapping paper if we need it. Wrap presents once they all arrive and write cards. Then they are all ready for the month and no rushing around at the last minute that you've forgotten little Jimmy's birthday.
Kids friends get a £1 book from the works 10 for £10 and a bath bomb and a 25p card from Tesco. I buy 10 books at once, same for bath bombs and a selection of cards. Just before any birthdays the kids get to pick a book and a card from the selection available. No faffing about getting specific things for different kids.

I have primary age 3 kids. Close in age. I work part time and DH works very long hours so is hardly here in the week. It all falls to me.
Here is how you cope.
Yoo don’t worry about a dirty bathroom. Squirt some bleach down the loo and have a quick anti bac wipe whilst the kids are in the shower.
Hoovering and mopping gets done when I have time but if not, the floor is dirty. It’s no big deal and quite honestly even if I do mop it, it’s dirty 30 mins later.
Lunches are a pain in the bum. But I buy the most easiest things. Things in packets. Small snacks I can just shove in. I buy thins and thin bagels and fill with sliced meat rather than use bread because bread is a pain to butter, a pain to cut, leaves crumbs everywhere and is a pain to wrap.
I have found several dinners which take 15 mins to make. I use these often.
we have a no cook day on Tuesdays. The kids get a pizza (shop one) and me and DH have finest oven meals / microwave meal. Best day of the week.
Ironing- I have whittled it down now to only needing to iron kids shirts. Maybe a school skirt. That’s it.
of washed and hung properly things arnt too creased.
Laundry: I only wash what is visibly dirty or smelly. Towels once a week and bedding when I remember or have time or it’s a sunny day.
we do around 3-4 medium loads a week.
There is still a lot to think about with kids clubs, school stuff, appointments, birthdays and gifts and parties etc. But you must learn to let some stuff go and not hold really high standards or it’s just too much to keep up.

You need a better division of duties. Sit down with DH and divvy it all out between you. DP does more childcare and housework than me but works less. I sort out life/children admin and am the organiser and work more hours. It works for us. We both have equal leisure time.

Single parent here with no support
Few ideas I do

wash clothes less often
change duvets / bedding every two weeks (if you can bear waiting that long)
declutter one small area per day (2 mins) - when you have less stuff it's so much easier to keep tidy and clean (a must do!)
buy a heap of birthday cards and stamps for the year ahead (generic) and a few generic vouchers you can sling in the cards when needed, that is good enough

• do quick 1 min admin tasks on your phone when you go to the loo / at lunch at work

prepare school uniforms for every day on a sunday eve, put into packing cubes so there is no faffing around and they are ready to go in a set ditto packed lunches, as far as possible xmas planning / kids birthday gifts - buy random items as you go through the year so no faff at the end of the year or close to the date book next appointments when you go to dentist etc have a shared google calendar that emails both of you a reminder about upcoming events a couple of days ahead lower your standards - I focus on one small area and what I can achieve in a given time than getting stressed out because I can't do everything.

and rope the husband in / kids in better

This was definitely how we got through those years! Now the DC are older, I work a bit more, DH isn't away and works a bit less and things are generally a lot easier. Still have days where I look at the bathroom and think, oh well that's a mess but it will have to wait. My DM always says - as long as the loo is clean and the kitchen sink empty of dishes and clean you'll get by!!

One simple thing that worked for us as I worked more hours after being v PT was doing a online shop but having it delivered when DH was at home and I was out. Worked for us as a way of splitting the mental load of that task and meant we both had a good idea of what what we had in the house too.

I also keep cleaning wipes or a cloth and spray in several locations so that I can have a quick wipe round when I notice something rather than waiting til it's an actual job.

I'd tried to quote @Silverswirl on there but it didn't work. Her description is literally how the primary years especially the lunches!