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Original poster

Awkward: how to clarify that it's not a date?

46 replies

PIPPIA · 03/05/2022 16:43

Does anyone else constantly find themselves in situations like this?

A man loosely related to my field starts chatting on Linked In. He doesn't want anything specific from me, we're just excited about the same topic and the conversation is interesting, high energy, and includes lots of questions indicating both of us are really keen. He then asks me if I want to meet him for coffee. It makes sense that this is a business meeting because we are interested in the same field. However, what if he's asking me on a date? I am a very energetic and passionate person who uses lots of emojis, so I can see that he may think I'm interested in him. Massively overthinking. How can I clarify that it's not a date without knowing if it even was one in the first place?

I have had this conversation with many friends and I don't yet have a solution I'm happy with

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 03/05/2022 17:07

Can you send him a message beforehand saying something like...
"Hi Bob,
It's been great to make contact with another professional so keen to share ideas about X,Y,Z. I'm looking forward to our meeting to chat more about it. Hopefully we can learn a lot from each other in this field."

Now this might be a bit too business like in tone but you could tweak it 🤷‍♀️

parietal · 03/05/2022 17:09

I'm afraid I would assume that he thinks it is a date unless you get clear signals otherwise.

DressingPafe · 03/05/2022 17:09

When he suggested it I would have said something along the lines of "great, I'm always up for making new friends/connections" or something similar. If that window has passed I'm not sure you could now go back and say something without it sounding odd. In that case you just have to go along and stick with a friendly not flirty vibe!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Nosetickle · 03/05/2022 17:16

I suppose it doesn’t really matter what he thinks it is, assuming you’re both single of course? It’s just coffee so if you just keep it friendly and professional you can’t go wrong.

Antarcticant · 03/05/2022 17:26

Drop in a casual reference to your 'partner' or 'boyfriend' (even if you don't have one.)

Dydhtst · 03/05/2022 17:26

Do you have a friend in the same/an adjacent field/looking to get into the field/knowledgeable about the field who you can invite along? Message him to say you’d like to invite X person because of Y reason and it’ll be clear.

Obviously I don’t know know your field but as an example ‘Hi James, looking forward to coffee on Thursday. If you don’t mind I’d like to bring Victoria along. She is currently in event planning but would like to move solely to wedding planning and I’m sure we could both benefit from being her contacts as she makes the move’.

titchy · 03/05/2022 17:33

Yeah it's a pick up. Loads of blokes use LI to pick up women I'm afraid. Suggest to him that you bring your husband as he's also looking to break into the widget market, and watch him disappear!

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/05/2022 17:39

I'd just go if you get something out of chatting with him. You can always clarify when you're there or afterwards that you were only looking to network. I would be slipping the networking and professional meet up phrases in immediately and would excuse myself if he were trying to turn it into something other the conversation was clearly veering off the professional interest.

I don't think it is that big of a deal or would be particularly awkward to do so. At this time you don't know that he thinks it's a date, or that he is even single.

You can always switch it to a video call instead.

DockOTheBay · 03/05/2022 17:44

If you are single, does it matter if he thinks its a date?
If you aren't single, or don't want him to think its a date, just drop it in casually beforehand. Like "oh I'll have to leave by X time because I need to pick my husband up" or something

alltheteeshirts · 03/05/2022 18:36

I think a networking coffee is normal?

But if you feel awkward, you could suddenly 'have to self-isolate because of Covid' and turn it into a Zoom meeting this time. You could then suss from the meeting whether he did just have a professional intent and decide if you were comfortable meeting in person next time, or if he was just a creep trying to hit on you.

CorsicaDreaming · 03/05/2022 18:44

@PIPPIA - do you feel the need to clarify this before you meet him because you already have a DP?

If not, why not just meet and see how it goes?

Pre-internet, people just met people through shared interests and then if they liked each other, maybe it would move from being just friends to being more.

Having to set out exact ring fenced markers about a meeting is a bit of a modern issue I think (can you tell that I'm old yet?!) and makes life and friendship - that may or may not move on to something more - just overly complicated, and then quite burdened, rather that just meeting up and seeing how you get on.

But I'd meet somewhere safe and public, and let someone else know about it and then give them a text update that you are safe, etc for the first meeting.

Volterra · 03/05/2022 21:19

Great news Hatti!

Crazycrofter I don't feel our sake is through far enough to be talking completion dates as feel it's only just getting off the ground, will have to see what happens. We're really lucky as have somewhere temporary to go to which is taking the pressure off.

AlisonDonut · 03/05/2022 21:25

Do you or anyone you know actually know this guy? Seems a bit too convenient for my liking.

Original poster
PIPPIA · 04/05/2022 10:06

I do have a DP but even if I didn't i just clam up if I think someone is interested in me in that way and panic. I just like to know that we're on the same page.

I really just need a solution for future situations because if someone asks me to my face for a coffee, how do I then make it aware its a business meeting? I think I could say upon someones suggestion here 'I would love to go for coffee I am always looking to meet new friends'

thank you everyone for your help

OP posts:
titchy · 04/05/2022 10:18

That sounds like you're looking to date Confused Just say you and your dp would be interested in whatever business they're in and you'd both be happy to discuss further over coffee.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2022 10:20

He thinks it's a date, and even if you tell him it's not a date, he'll think he has the chance to turn it into one. Sorry, it's just the truth.

BoredZelda · 04/05/2022 20:20

I really just need a solution for future situations because if someone asks me to my face for a coffee, how do I then make it aware its a business meeting? I think I could say upon someones suggestion here 'I would love to go for coffee I am always looking to meet new friends'

I never assume a business contact is asking for a date.

CorsicaDreaming · 04/05/2022 20:55

@PIPPIA - I think the solution is to mention your partner in a chat / email before you meet.

So say, Tuesday at 5pm? Yes that might work, I'll just need to check if DP can collect DS and get back to you...

Then next email, "Great! That's fine for me - looking forward to meeting you"

I've also done this - and had it done to me - if a chat seemed to be getting too friendly at work or another setting. So weave in something like,

"Oh you've got a motorbike? What type is it - my DH has got a 1200 RS."
You come from X, that's interesting- my DH was born there too"

It's just a subtle reset - it doesn't look rude, but anyone who is half aware knows you're flagging up you've got a DP and that you want them to know you've got a DP.

AlisonDonut · 04/05/2022 21:00

So, do you or anyone you know actually know this person?

Ragwort · 04/05/2022 21:03

Do you actively want to talk more about your joint interest (love to know what it is Grin), surely you just meet, in a public place, discuss your business interest and if he tries to make it 'personal' just close it down promptly. But in all honesty, what really needs to discussed further about your interest that can't be done via email or however you communicate?
I am so glad I am not into social media, linked in etc etc ... I am sure life was easier without it!

Ragwort · 04/05/2022 21:06

Alison makes a very good point, if you have never met him, or know anyone who knows him, surely there is no good reason to actually meet him?

RampantIvy · 04/05/2022 21:06

I am a very energetic and passionate person who uses lots of emojis,

I can see why some people might read this wrong. Why the emojis? I don't use them in work comminucations as I don't think it is very professional.

Kite22 · 04/05/2022 21:28

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2022 10:20

He thinks it's a date, and even if you tell him it's not a date, he'll think he has the chance to turn it into one. Sorry, it's just the truth.

Might be the truth in your world, but in many other people's lives it is quite normal to meet f2f with another person in the same field to network / discuss a project or idea / catch up with what happened at a conference you couldn't get to or whatever.

I would love to go for coffee I am always looking to meet new friends'

This makes it sound like you are turning it in to a date Confused
I'd really use one of the other excellent suggestions if you want to send any communication.

Drame · 04/05/2022 21:33

To make it crystal clear it’s not a date you say you were discussing the same thing with a friend at work and have invited them along. Hope he doesn’t mind! Then the ‘friend from work’ can just have covid or something.

alltheteeshirts · 04/05/2022 22:29

Kite22 · 04/05/2022 21:28

Might be the truth in your world, but in many other people's lives it is quite normal to meet f2f with another person in the same field to network / discuss a project or idea / catch up with what happened at a conference you couldn't get to or whatever.

I would love to go for coffee I am always looking to meet new friends'

This makes it sound like you are turning it in to a date Confused
I'd really use one of the other excellent suggestions if you want to send any communication.

Show quote history

This. A professional connection asking to go for a coffee is very different to a random man asking you to go for a coffee. If he was something in the same field as me, or in an adjacent field where we could potentially cross-refer work, I'd assume it was all about innocent networking.

I know some women do get hit on via LinkedIn, but I've never had that experience. It's always been professional for me.