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Original poster

Younger DC picking up bad habits of elder DC

40 replies

BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 13:31

How do you deal with this? Currently going through a "rebellious" phase with DC2, common complaints are that DC1 doesn't have to do x, y, and z (technically he does, but refuses point blank, SN involved) so why should she.

OP posts:
Seeline · 03/05/2022 13:36

She may have a point?

Point blank refusal gets her sibling out if things, why shouldn't it work for her?

How old are they - does your DD have any understanding of SNs?

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:00

10 and 12.
Yes and no. Yes, she understands that things are harder for him and he has difficulties with things that she finds easier. But she still thinks it's unfair when he doesn't do things he's asked to and we expect her to do what she's asked.

OP posts:
Seeline · 03/05/2022 14:05

It is unfair.

What sort of things are causing issues?

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Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:13

Homework - main issue at the moment
Putting away laundry
Clearing the table (although he sometimes does this when he decides wants to rather than when he's asked to)
Making his bed - although for this I expect him to do his entirely, whereas I help her with the duvet cover as I did when he was her age.

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 03/05/2022 14:20

She's finding it unfair because it is, quite frankly. If I saw my sibling only clearing away the table when he decides he wants to, I wouldn't feel fair being made to every day either. With homework, your daughter is getting to the point where she can learn to be self motivated with it. How does she feel if you give her space and the option of help to do it, and if she doesn't do it, then she deals with the consequences at school if its not done?

Triffid1 · 03/05/2022 14:27

Mmm, I think obviously it depends on what time of SN we're talking here but I certainly don't blame your DD for feeling a bit hard done by.

If his SN are significant and it therefore negatively impacts his life in other ways, then perhaps point out that yes, while DS doesn't do x/y at home, he ALSO can't do a or b outside of the house.

If the SN are less significant but just impact his ability to get stuff done, then there's a more subtle conversation about the impact of this and/or about finding things that he CAN do that he IS expected to sort.

InkyPinkyParlez · 03/05/2022 14:35

Widen the circle. It's not what she does vs what he does, it's whose job should this most fairly be? If you have cooked and your husband is about to clean the kitchen, then it's not unreasonable to expect her to do a 5 min job, whether her brother does or not. She pitches in to the family, there's no reason why you should do her jobs. She's not too little to understand that her responsibilities aren't defined by whatever DS is finding too hard today.

Also give them different jobs where poss and think about giving her the ones with natural consequences. Ask her to lay the table instead of clearing it - she's less likely to walk away when her dinner's sat there waiting.

It is tricky especially when you wonder if you are asking more of a child because they comply. I try and make sure DD gets little perks of having an autistic sibling in other ways. I always make her lunch, even though her friends all do their own now, because I'm making DS's anyway. And spending 1 to 1 time with her is important.

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:41

With things like clearing the table I ask them to bring their things to the counter (we're talking 2m, its open plan!). DS will sometimes refuse and walk off, other times he will clear the whole table, DD's things included, without being asked.

How does she feel if you give her space and the option of help to do it, and if she doesn't do it, then she deals with the consequences at school if its not done?
There will be no consequences at school, that's the problem. The teachers are forever telling them it doesn't matter if they don't do all their work 🙄 but it will affect her grades. Last time she had a bad mark in a test we had tears, but she still didn't do her homework this week. We're waiting on the results of the latest, some of which she now knows she got wrong. I'm hoping this will bring her back into reality as she has always wanted to do well (but never really needed to work for it).

We have said she will have the same consequences as he does e.g. refusing to learn for a test, if they don't get a good mark they lose screen time at the weekend. (If they do their homework and don't get a good mark, there are no consequences)

OP posts:
backtobusy · 03/05/2022 14:42

It would be helpful to know what SN and how much they impact life.

But your dd is right it is unfair and I would be upfront about this with her.
You can highlight the areas of her life where she has advantages because she doesn't have the SN.
While acknowledging that that ds isn't currently pulling his weight in the chores department.

Are their some other chores ds can do? Or could do if you did them together?

Does she see any type of consequence for ds when he refuses to do his chores other than him not having to do them?
If she doesn't it isn't surprising that she thinks this is the way forward.

Magnoliayellowbird · 03/05/2022 14:45

It depends on the severity of the special needs. If your son is physically and mentally capable of clearing the table, then he's being badly behaved when he walks away.
I don't blame your daughter for feeling that this is unfair.

backtobusy · 03/05/2022 14:48

For the homework I would emphasize that this is for her and her success and nothing to do with her brother.
He will need to be responsible for his own success.

Does she need more support in working out how to study? Or a little motivation to sit down at a set time of day for a little while?

The single most effective thing for both my dc when it came to the value of studying was doing badly tests they hadn't studied for.
After that experience they just needed a little support in being reminded to study and given the space and time to do so.

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:49

If your son is physically and mentally capable of clearing the table, then he's being badly behaved when he walks away.
Yes, he totally is, and I totally agree. But if he refuses to do something, I cannot physically make him do it.

OP posts:
Magnoliayellowbird · 03/05/2022 14:51

BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:49

If your son is physically and mentally capable of clearing the table, then he's being badly behaved when he walks away.
Yes, he totally is, and I totally agree. But if he refuses to do something, I cannot physically make him do it.

Are there no consequences at all when he refuses? I understand that you can't physically make him clear away, but I would be giving a consequence for that.

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:53

Does she need more support in working out how to study? Or a little motivation to sit down at a set time of day for a little while?

I have offered to help her with this. A set time of the day is difficult as they each have after school activities at varying times so after school, we're never around at the same time.

For the homework I would emphasize that this is for her and her success and nothing to do with her brother.
This is the angle I've been going for so far and has always worked up until now.

ASD, dyspraxia, ADHD has been mentioned but the last assessment said not, but a learning delay/low IQ due to poor working memory and processing issues.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2022 14:55

What happens if dc2 refuses too?

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:56

but I would be giving a consequence for that.
What? He's currently on no gaming time (for homework refusal and consequently failing a test and not handing work in). He doesn't care if he doesn't get a bed time story. He's on a week's YouTube ban for not turning it off when he was asked. I sound like the world's most barbaric mother. Short of taking his beloved soft toy off him, which would just be cruel and mean he wouldn't go to bed, I'm out.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 03/05/2022 14:57

His clearing the table bit would hack me off if I were dd.

Oblomov22 · 03/05/2022 14:58

Why do you let him get away with not clearing the table?

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 14:59

His clearing the table bit would hack me off if I were dd.
Yes, me too. I'm not saying that I don't understand where she's coming from. I totally do. But I don't know how to manage it.

OP posts:
backtobusy · 03/05/2022 14:59

If he is choosing not to follow clear instructions which he could do if he chose to I would either.

Get him to do different chores that he has more self driven motivation to complete, like laying out the table at the start of dinner (so he can eat) helping load his own laundry ( so he has clothes).

Or have a very clear evening structure where the next event he wants to do after dinner can't happen until he has cleared his table.
So no screens, going out etc until table is cleared.

Oblomov22 · 03/05/2022 14:59

You already know it's a problem, so just keep an eye on it for a bit. If he walks away, call him back.

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 15:00

Why do you let him get away with not clearing the table?

Turn that around: how would you make him do it?

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 03/05/2022 15:01

That's an easy one to re-correct.
"Ds I've noticed that sometimes you don't clear the table, but that's not fair on dd who does. I'd like you to correct that please, starting today. "

Then you monitor it for a week.

Original poster
BreezeofGreen · 03/05/2022 15:02

Or have a very clear evening structure where the next event he wants to do after dinner can't happen until he has cleared his table.
So no screens, going out etc until table is cleared.
He doesn't get screens after dinner anyway. Neither does he (or she) go out after dinner. After we eat, if they're not already washed then they get ready for bed and then teeth and we read to them before they sleep.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 03/05/2022 15:03

You talk to him.
Then after dinner for the next 2 weeks, you get up, but hover. And you watch. And you don't let him leave the dinning room. If he starts to make what looks like a dash for the exit Wink, you're already on it, you tut, excuse me, ds get back and clear please.
Simples.