Younger DC picking up bad habits of elder DC

[BreezeofGreen]

How do you deal with this? Currently going through a "rebellious" phase with DC2, common complaints are that DC1 doesn't have to do x, y, and z (technically he does, but refuses point blank, SN involved) so why should she.

Why are you letting him get away with murder? Do you do this re him on other issues.
Irrespective of SN.
No wonder your dd is hacked off.

You can't make your daughter do it either though, and it sounds like she is aware of that. I'd separate the homework from the chores. Are there any household tasks that you son could do regularly? Maybe having him doing different things you daughter might ease a feeling of unfairness. Maybe instead of you assigning tasks to you daughter, you have a discussion with her about how she can contribute to the household. If it's something that she's chosen and she's on board with then she's more likely to stick with it.

You could try a family meeting where everyone looks at what needs doing in the family and agrees what they are going to do and what will happen if they don't do it.

It doesn't solve everything but it helps give some sense of control of dc and means they understand what will happen if they don't do it because they have either suggested that or agreed to it.

Then you pull dc if they haven't done chores and if they refuse enact the consequences that they suggested.

This is a "ha ha ha ha ha nope" thread.
People who don't have a child with SEN and explosive behaviour have no clue, do they?
I can stand in the doorway of the dining room all I like but it won't make DS clear the table. Might make him throw the dishes across the floor/kick me/push me but wouldn't lead to any actual helpful behaviour.
I don't, actually, make him but for things where we do want both the DCs to do it we pick our battles and go for a tiny task that they can both do. The first week we got DS to take his dirty sheets off and bring them down it took 4 hours. Now it's 5 minutes.
But we do also have to point out to the DCs that some people are better at some things and some at others. DD is better at handwriting, DS is better at reading and maths. DS is better at not waiting till way too late to go to the toilet, DD is better at doing what she's told. DS is better at not screaming in an ear piercing tone when he's upset, DD is better at not kicking when she's upset.

How would he handle picking his chores for the day every day? So first thing in the morning he and dd choose two each off a list. One is "clear everyone's dinner plates" so he actively opts into it. Make the other ones equally as mundane.

Without knowing what SN he has, this is very difficult. But if he IS capable of it, then he should be doing it. And if he's not, then you need to figure out what chores he IS capable of, and make those the ones he is expected to do.

So for my DS with SPD and executive function issues, a calm repeated statement that Task A WILL be done, plus ensuring that Task A is a task that does not have to be done in this 1 minute (eg, I'd ask him to empty the dishwasher rather than lay the table) works well.

He can also be motivated by other rewards and/or an understanding that his support on x is far more likely to lead to OUR support on Y eg "DS, that activity that you are obsessed by and requires mum and dad to do a lot of driving and often find childcare for DD is because we think it's important for you to have things you love and are good at. However, we also think it's important that you act as a responsible and equal member of this family so you have to play your part, including emptying the dishwasher or tidying your room." or some version thereof.

For another child it might be that pocket money is only provided if all chores are done. Or that preferred treats will be be purchased if things happen. Screen time extensions etc etc.

I'd go for a reward system for your DD (& DS?).
So a star chart or whatever with treats weekly for cooperation?

So what about neither of them have to do their h/w or clear the table?
However you would like them to clear the table to be helpful. If they do it all week without being asked, then they get pocket money.
H/w has its own reward - success. I would let them learn that the hard way.
It may not be ideal but surely better than your house being a battleground.

You can't physically make her either, so why should she do it on that argument?

I would go for the reward rather than punish route.
I had a sibling that was master of the asked to do a job, then took offense at the tiniest thing (like the next door neighbour's cat peering through the window) and stormed off, and I was expected to then finish.

Dm started rewarding me for doing it. Very quietly "so he doesn't get upset again", which made me feel a bit better about doing it. But what totally solved it was when he came in and saw her rewarding me (money on that occasion) and then suddenly he took offense much less. Amazing!

How do you make your daughter do it?

How do you make your daughter do it?
I ask her to do it. Until now, she gets on with whatever.

@drspouse
"People who don't have a child with SEN and explosive behaviour have no clue, do they?"

I completely disagree.
Many of us have sn children. They may not be able to clean the table, but there may be other things they can do. And if they can't clean the table, there are tonnes of things that at least can be tried.

OP hasn't given enough info.
Or better still post in the SN section where people with very good knowledge can advise.

And before it gets to the physical stage , there are a number of conversations that can be had, and a number of things to try.

I'd try a different tact.

Use carrot and stick.

You say no screen after dinner etc. but they are a great motivator for children!

I'd set a timer ( for say 30 mins). Tell them to clear own stuff, brush teeth and get Pjs on (or whatever) and any time left they can have as screen time.

That way DD gets rewarded for doing her stuff if her brother doesn't. It takes away that reason for her not to see why she should if he doesn't and there's no consequence. And it gives him a reason why he should also choose to comply as there's a motivator.

Yesterday we got in at 7, I made the meal while DC washed. We ate. I cleared up. Teeth and bed for 815. we have one night where we're home around 630, all the other nights are later than 7-830. There is no time for screens after dinner. Nor for the flashpoint of taking them away.

Then pick your battles. Insisting on help to tidy up seems counter productive. Everyone is tired and in a rush. Rather, ensure they do other chores at other times and that there are suitable incentives or consequences to encourage them to do it.