That I fucking hate the Marvel movies?
I don't care about them, I don't understand them, I don't want to understand them, I never want to watch another one ever again.
But I keep watching them because I like us spending time together, even if it's watching shit tv. I like that they want to share something they love with me, I like how they get pleasure from feeling that they're teaching me about something.
This afternoon they were arguing about which order I should watch particular movies in so I can understand them better. I pictured myself saying "Actually boys, I don't like any of them. I don't care which order I watch them in. I don't want to watch another one ever again in my entire life".
They would be genuinely shocked.
I wouldn't tell them now because I would lose out on hanging out with them. But should I ever tell them? What would they say if I tell them when they're 45? Will they feel cheated out of fond childhood memories? Will they laugh at all the time I wasted? Will they love me more because I spent hours of my life sitting with them staring into space just because I love them?
Right now I am sitting beside them while they watch Dr Strange, so I am prepared for when we go to the cinema next week to see Dr Strange 2. I can hardly wait. I am sitting here without a clue what's going in in the film, fantasising about confessing my deepest darkest secret. We're going to a cinema in the next town with reclining chairs so I'll probably fall asleep within the first 10 minutes.
They're teenagers btw, I should probably just be grateful they want to be in the same room as me.