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Original poster

Would this have caused an argument in your house,?

36 replies

Scottsforsure281 · 30/04/2022 13:54

I'm struggling with my DS's new found teenagerness, I really don't know if I'm too soft or too strict at times.

We've all had covid, I'm CEV so it's hit me hard, today's the 1st day in 2 weeks I've felt able to do anything more than cook a simple meal. Did some stuff in the house then decided to tackle the garden.

DS is 13, he's had exams all week, he's having a chill day today and then has plans for tomorrow and Monday. I was really struggling to move the garden furniture and asked him to help, after some huffing he started to help me move the egg chair, putting in so little effort I ended up doing it myself. I then asked him to move his basket ball post, its heavy and awkward but I've seen him do it multiple times. He can't, his arms are aching, he can see me struggling, says I can do it. I asked if he was being serious, yes he says so I told him to get in the house.

I went in later and I've told him (well shouted at him) that I don't understand how he can see me struggling like that and not want to help particularly when he knows I've been unwell and its his stuff I'm struggling with! He never asks if anything needs doing, he never helps with anything unless its under duress or he's being given pocket money for it.

I wish I hadn't shouted but he's become so incredibly selfish. AIBU to have pulled him up on this?

OP posts:
Buzzer3555 · 30/04/2022 13:57

You are definitely not being unreasonable..I would have lost my rag at this. Teenagers are horrible (but it will pass)

chisanunian · 30/04/2022 13:57

Not unreasonable at all.

He needs reminding of all the things that you do for him that are for his benefit.

Xpologog · 30/04/2022 14:01

I’d be tempted to tell him that as his arms are troubling him too much to move his basketball post he’d better leave off playing for a week. But gentle arms exercise washing the car or daily dishes will help. Teenagers are so selfish, I used to think it was like living with a different species.

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Georgeskitchen · 30/04/2022 14:04

Yanbu he should respect you and help when are struggling and I would have shouted at him too

Original poster
Scottsforsure281 · 30/04/2022 14:05

Thankyou both. Im not a shouty person, he never needed telling off when he was little so this is new to us both but he's driving me mad and the look on his face couple with telling me to 'chill out' seriously pushes my buttons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottsforsure281 · 30/04/2022 14:06

How do you come out the other side of this with a decent relationship? When do you know if you've raised a kind, decent human or an inconsiderate arsehole?

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 30/04/2022 14:07

Don't feel bad about it. He needs to be reminded how to treat people well and that includes his mother.

Alwayspaintyournails · 30/04/2022 14:07

I would have been upset at his selfishness and told him so. I also wouldn’t be inclined to fund his weekend plans!

custardbear · 30/04/2022 14:08

I tend to start with the don't be silly just do as mum asks please - and start to escalate from there. He should have done it, but teens are slow to do things (my DD is also 13 ... DS is 10 so will 'look forward' y more of this in the coming years.

I'd say to try and keep your cool and be firm so you don't end up losing your shit as you'll feel bad abs they'll think they've
Won -
Hope you're feeling better

PeskyRooks · 30/04/2022 14:12

Yanbu.
but I wouldn't have said "get in the house" I would've said "move your bloody basketball post now!!! You little shit"

MichelleScarn · 30/04/2022 14:15

Sorry I think you may be a tad U. How quickly did you go to shouting, was there anyone else about in the house that could have helped you both?

Original poster
Scottsforsure281 · 30/04/2022 14:23

MichelleScarn no one else in the house to help. I sent him in cause I knew I was about to shout, gave myself time to calm down then went in to explain why he was in the wrong. It was the look on his face and the 'chill out' (when I was talking to him calmly) that pushed me into shouting. It worked though. It's just frustrating that it takes shouting for him to listen.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 30/04/2022 14:23

Just my opinion but I would have made him move it and not given in

NewBlueGoo · 30/04/2022 14:42

I get how frustrating this will have been, but moving stuff around the garden was your agenda. You knew you weren't feeling able to do it yourself. Maybe when he's saying 'chill out', he's thinking 'why are you wanting to make us both spend this day hauling stuff around the garden when you're not fully well yet, and I'm knackered from exams?'

Give him and yourself a bit of slack.

I remember being a teenager so vividly, having been a very compliant child (like your son), and a well-behaved teenager as well - did well at school, no drinking, smoking, rule-breaking, etc. Yet my parents behaved like I was a total shit for not being genuinely over the moon about the prospect of weeding the garden.

Teenagers are selfish because they have a lot of growing still to do, and are suddenly hit with a lot of responsibility and next to no autonomy.

MissyB1 · 30/04/2022 14:49

I have a 13 year old ds, I feel your pain! Mine used to be such a kind caring little boy - now he’s had an empathy bypass!

Anniefrenchfry · 30/04/2022 14:50

It could be easily argued that his plans for the day were clear and you made him get up and start moving shit about, as that’s what you wanted so out of you both you were the more selfish one. It was all about you and what you wanted, his wants were irrelevant

and then when he didn’t play ball you abused him. Called him selfish. Ordered him in the house. Shouted at him.

Not ideal really is it op. And certainly not leading by example.

TheMoth · 30/04/2022 14:55

I would have seen my arse.
Rules are simple in this house: everyone helps. My kids see me working every night. I'm working now. I work so we can all be fed, clothed and ideally have a holiday. They get their phones paid for and have pocket money. In return, the kids need to do what I ask, when I ask. No complaining.

My mum let us get away with being lazy shits, then when she decided she needed us to help her more in our teens couldn't understand why we wouldn't. I'll be fucked if I'm doing that.

nancy75 · 30/04/2022 14:56

Anniefrenchfry · 30/04/2022 14:50

It could be easily argued that his plans for the day were clear and you made him get up and start moving shit about, as that’s what you wanted so out of you both you were the more selfish one. It was all about you and what you wanted, his wants were irrelevant

and then when he didn’t play ball you abused him. Called him selfish. Ordered him in the house. Shouted at him.

Not ideal really is it op. And certainly not leading by example.

Oh leave off, she asked him to move a couple of things that would take a few minutes.
He lives in the house, he’s part of the family, there is no reason he couldn’t spend a few minutes helping out.

Timeforabiscuit · 30/04/2022 15:01

Dd is like this,, feels sick doing the washing up, not strong enough to do jobs, doesn't like touching other people's washing, doesn't like the smell of the clean washing.

It was broadly a phase, reminding her of the end game that unless she wants to live with us in her 30s she will have to do this stuff for herself, and the classic that so and so's parents don't let her do any jobs (well you don't live with so and so, and the washing up isnt vanishing any time soon!).

It was a mix of really crystal clear expectations (actually spelling out that they need to physically help or it can be dangerous for the other person lifting), gentle mockery (showing the kevin and perry skits was brilliant for this), cutting some slack when genuinely tired, younger sister also giving her a kick up the backside and just general maturity has improved matters.

Loobyloo68 · 30/04/2022 15:05

All mine on in their 30s now, but as teenagers if mine had hardly lifted a finger I would have told them get it shifted now. They huff and puff at everything so you're as well give them something to moan about!!

TigerLilyTail · 30/04/2022 15:08

I get how frustrating this will have been, but moving stuff around the garden was your agenda. You knew you weren't feeling able to do it yourself. Maybe when he's saying 'chill out', he's thinking 'why are you wanting to make us both spend this day hauling stuff around the garden when you're not fully well yet, and I'm knackered from exams?'

I kind of agree with this. You really didn't need to do this today.

Blossomtoes · 30/04/2022 15:16

Scottsforsure281 · 30/04/2022 14:06

How do you come out the other side of this with a decent relationship? When do you know if you've raised a kind, decent human or an inconsiderate arsehole?

It won’t be long. Unfortunately just as mine turned out to be a kind, decent human he left home.

Seaweed42 · 30/04/2022 15:16

Sounds typical teenager stuff. They are in school so are in a controlled environment there where they have no choices. They HAVE to go to school, they HAVE to do what the teacher says all day, the State says they HAVE to do exams. There's no choice.
If they can't exert power at home then I'd be worried. He'd spent a week doing exams and then you, on a whim, started to make what seems like another load of demands. Then he got shouted at. What about giving him a choice? What about saying 'could you move the basketball thing at some stage today?
How would you like it if your sister/brother/neighbour rapped on the front door and said 'come over to my house NOW and help me bring my shopping please. And I want it done Right This Minute. Do it NOW, how selfish can you be!!'
That's how it comes across to teenagers. When they are younger they automatically follow rules. As they get older they start questioning the authority others have over them. They also hear the tone that people use towards them.
You can get angry and call him a selfish fuck. Or you can try to stop and think and work out why your normal, kind, loving son might refuse to help you when you put an immediate demand on him. It's not because he's an asshole.

Pumperthepumper · 30/04/2022 15:19

TigerLilyTail · 30/04/2022 15:08

I get how frustrating this will have been, but moving stuff around the garden was your agenda. You knew you weren't feeling able to do it yourself. Maybe when he's saying 'chill out', he's thinking 'why are you wanting to make us both spend this day hauling stuff around the garden when you're not fully well yet, and I'm knackered from exams?'

I kind of agree with this. You really didn't need to do this today.

I agree with this too. Shouting at him as a communication method is terrible, it won’t have improved the situation. Nobody’s perfect and all that but I’d have a think about ways you could communicate better to reflect his change in personality (which is likely hormone driven and not his fault).

Anniefrenchfry · 30/04/2022 15:19

Oh leave off, she asked him to move a couple of things that would take a few minutes. He lives in the house, he’s part of the family, there is no reason he couldn’t spend a few minutes helping out

but absolutely guaranteed if the roles were reversed and she said she was chilling and he asked her to do something you’d have said he was the selfish one. No way you’d have said she’s part of the family and his mum so should have helped him.