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Original poster

How do I politely decline coffee with a persistent person?

57 replies

Cocodreams · 30/04/2022 07:42

I met another gym member for a coffee after a class and thought she seemed pleasant enough. Bumped into her again a week or so later and she said she was going to a garden centre for a coffee and shopping and would I like to come too.

So I went and OMG this woman is pretty awful in her attitudes and beliefs. It’s like she let her guard down. When we got back to town I walked home and felt almost in shock, like I’d been subjected to her awful verbal diarrhoea. Then again a week later I bumped into her and was put on the spot about coffee and stupidly I met up with her - but never again! I would have walked out of the cafe I was so aghast but again we were back at the same garden centre in the middle of nowhere (and I had a lift from here).

She has now text me twice within a week to meet for coffee but I never want to be in her company again. I’ve ignored the texts. She is just awful and I find I have been avoiding the gym on the the days I know she doesn’t work to avoid bumping into her.

What is a polite but firm thing can I say to say to coffee? She seems persistent, tone deaf, and doesn’t take a hint? I’m not a confrontational person and don’t want to be rude, I just simply cannot bear this person.

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 30/04/2022 07:45

Just own your assertiveness. What’s the worst that could happen if you just said No thanks, I won’t be meeting up with you again.

IncompleteSenten · 30/04/2022 07:46

You can't always get what you want with a 100% conflict free guarantee.

It's clear she is someone who won't take a hint so you either keep saying no and carry on with her asking and probably eventually having a tantrum and turning on you, or you tell her you won't be coming for coffee with her again and please stop asking.

Tell her you've started a new job and don't have time.
Switch gyms.
Block her number and hope you never bump into her.

Loopytiles · 30/04/2022 07:47

use this as a much needed opportunity to work on your assertiveness!

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EatSleepReplete · 30/04/2022 07:49

Just say no thanks, I can't. Don't give her a reason. You don't owe her one. It doesn't sound like she is bothered about upsetting or offending other people, I imagine she's used to being told no. She's probably used to having to be pushy to try to get some company - don't let her treat you like a doormat.

FlowerArranger · 30/04/2022 07:49

When you had coffee with her, did you not give any indication that you didn't agree with what she said?

EatSleepReplete · 30/04/2022 07:50

Oh yes and block her number!

RampantIvy · 30/04/2022 07:51

Why haven't you blocked her number yet?

FourChimneys · 30/04/2022 07:52

If she is so awful why do you feel the need to be polite?

anotherbrewplease · 30/04/2022 07:53

😂😂

She does not sound fun - what were her opinions?? [nosey parker here]

MumstedInadequate · 30/04/2022 07:54

I think I'd make up some scenario by which whatever free slot you we're scheduling coffee in before has now disappeared...
Need to be in work an hour earlier, have a Spanish lesson at midday on Thursday now, mum has started coming over for regular gardening.

Happy to admit that at my age I should be able to say 'I'm just not that into you' to a friendship I don't want to continue but I'd avoid the conflict tbh

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/04/2022 07:57

IncompleteSenten · 30/04/2022 07:46

You can't always get what you want with a 100% conflict free guarantee.

It's clear she is someone who won't take a hint so you either keep saying no and carry on with her asking and probably eventually having a tantrum and turning on you, or you tell her you won't be coming for coffee with her again and please stop asking.

Tell her you've started a new job and don't have time.
Switch gyms.
Block her number and hope you never bump into her.

I was going to suggest starting a new job too and saying you don't have time. I would keep it polite as you're likely to see her again just be very busy.

Idontevenknow · 30/04/2022 07:57

I'm similiar to you and probably wouldn't be able to tell her straight.

I'd just keep telling her I was busy, working more, new responsibilities, hobbies etc and you'll let her know when you have more time. Then never text

CuddlyCactus · 30/04/2022 07:59

You don't need to spend time with someone so unpleasant. You don't owe her anything.

Just say "sorry, I'll need to take a rain check. Life's really busy just now"
And leave it at that, she'll soon get the message. If you bump into her at the gym just suddenly be in a terrific hurry and wave, say hi but keep moving

clippety clop · 30/04/2022 08:01

Just say thanks for the offer, I'll be in touch and leave it at that.

Courante · 30/04/2022 08:02

I would avoid giving specific excuses or ignoring straight away and go with something like:

'Hi x, I won't be able to fit in a coffee but thanks for the offer. See you at the gym x'

If they persist:

'No thanks to the coffee'

and more...

I would just ignore and possibly block at this point.

Original poster
Cocodreams · 30/04/2022 08:04

Thanks all, good to know that I should just repeat no thanks, I’m busy etc. and repeat.@FlowerArranger I was just sitting there in shocked silence for most of her relentless foul talking, and the few times I interjected and politely objected it was like I hadn’t even spoken. She just bulldozed straight over me.

She came along once to a book club that the gym runs and she went off on a rant about something completely off/topic, and when she stopped there was this shocked silence as everyone just stared at her or the floor. She actually apologised and no one responded and someone changed the conversation. I thought at least I’m not the only one who finds her strange.

OP posts:
Cliftontherocks · 30/04/2022 08:06

Just say no. Don’t respond to texts. Block her number if you see her at the gym just say no to offers and point out you are here to relax / work out etc and you have the right to choose what and who you talk to

A580Hojas · 30/04/2022 08:07

"I think we're very different people so I'm going to say no thank you to another coffee or meeting up again. All the best ..."

CosmopolitanPlease · 30/04/2022 08:11

I really want to know what her opinions are.

BuanoKubiamVej · 30/04/2022 08:11

"I'm not a confrontational person so I didn't say anything when we were together for previous chats but so many of the things you said made me feel uncomfortable that I didn't really enjoy it. I think we are two very different people who are unlikely to become friends. I'm not the sort of person to turn a coffee chat into an argument so I am sorry I didn't give you any clue at the time how uncomfortable I was but I'd prefer not to continue this. Best wishes."

Courante · 30/04/2022 08:20

On reflection I think A580 and Buano have suggested a better response that mine. Definitely puts a firm but polite line under it.

MissyCooperismyShero · 30/04/2022 09:19

Cocodreams · 30/04/2022 08:04

Thanks all, good to know that I should just repeat no thanks, I’m busy etc. and repeat.@FlowerArranger I was just sitting there in shocked silence for most of her relentless foul talking, and the few times I interjected and politely objected it was like I hadn’t even spoken. She just bulldozed straight over me.

She came along once to a book club that the gym runs and she went off on a rant about something completely off/topic, and when she stopped there was this shocked silence as everyone just stared at her or the floor. She actually apologised and no one responded and someone changed the conversation. I thought at least I’m not the only one who finds her strange.

Well this is your problem isn't it. The first time she says something rubbish you disagree. Loudly until she has heard you! 'Oh no I don't agree with that! That sounds a bit offensive friend.. stop that..no seriously,I have to challenge you on that...blah blah' She dislikes you thoroughly by this point and never asks you for a coffee again.

Original poster
Cocodreams · 09/05/2022 14:13

Well I haven’t seen the woman to say anything to her, however as of this morning she has now text me again for the third time since 22/4 to meet for coffee. I’ve ignored the texts, then she phones and leaves a message today saying hope you’re ok. My bloody phone pocket dialled her back! I have never, ever done this before. So she rings again and then texts today.

Also yesterday she texts and tags me on a WhatsApp group that we are on related to a club within our gym wanting to know if it’s running this week. She cannot attend this club anymore because she works on the day it’s on, but knows that this week I am hosting this group to cover the usual person. She basically just wants a response from me.

Is it ok to text her with a response like @A580Hojas ? I don’t want to be a coward but I’m just not up for confrontation in person and I’m feeling quite stressed and harassed now 😩

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 09/05/2022 14:17

This is why you reply with a "no thanks" to the first message and don't just ignore them! Please just give her a straight answer.

Strawblue · 09/05/2022 14:20

She must have a thick skin if she can’t see you are not interested in meeting up.

Agree that you need to text but I don’t know if you should give a reason, as some people will just argue to find a way around it.