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How do I politely decline coffee with a persistent person?

57 replies

Cocodreams · 30/04/2022 07:42

I met another gym member for a coffee after a class and thought she seemed pleasant enough. Bumped into her again a week or so later and she said she was going to a garden centre for a coffee and shopping and would I like to come too.

So I went and OMG this woman is pretty awful in her attitudes and beliefs. It’s like she let her guard down. When we got back to town I walked home and felt almost in shock, like I’d been subjected to her awful verbal diarrhoea. Then again a week later I bumped into her and was put on the spot about coffee and stupidly I met up with her - but never again! I would have walked out of the cafe I was so aghast but again we were back at the same garden centre in the middle of nowhere (and I had a lift from here).

She has now text me twice within a week to meet for coffee but I never want to be in her company again. I’ve ignored the texts. She is just awful and I find I have been avoiding the gym on the the days I know she doesn’t work to avoid bumping into her.

What is a polite but firm thing can I say to say to coffee? She seems persistent, tone deaf, and doesn’t take a hint? I’m not a confrontational person and don’t want to be rude, I just simply cannot bear this person.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 09/05/2022 14:25

Oh, she's relentless. These types freak me out. I run and hide.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2022 14:25

The longer you leave it the worse it will be. As I read your posts I wonder if she has a reason for being so blind to this.

"Hey, sorry for the delayed response. To be honest I just don't see us developing a friendship and I think it's probably best to just say here and now that I won't be coming along for a coffee again. Wishing you well, OP"

2bazookas · 09/05/2022 14:29

Block her texts/phone messages.

To verbal invitations, just say a firm No
" No, I don't want to. "
"No. I am busy"

Never suggest "perhaps another time/maybe later".

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Myshitisreal · 09/05/2022 14:31

A580Hojas · 30/04/2022 08:07

"I think we're very different people so I'm going to say no thank you to another coffee or meeting up again. All the best ..."

Simple, effective, polite, no waffle.

It feels like she's the kind who, the more you say - the more likely she will respond and try to reason it out.

milkyaqua · 09/05/2022 14:33

Or channel Phoebe Buffay: "I wish I could, but I don't want to."

autienotnaughty · 09/05/2022 14:33

I'd message and say sorry I'm busy , but thank you.

Cocodreams · 09/05/2022 14:42

Thanks all, I will text. She has just text the WhatsApp group to say she has sent me several texts and am I receiving them. It feels a bit stalkerish.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz she has said several times that she had a very abusive childhood and it makes me feel that it has really affected her.

OP posts:
EspeciallyDistracted · 09/05/2022 14:44

Just say "no thanks". No need for lots of waffle about being very different types of people.

Ihaveamagicwand · 09/05/2022 14:44

Another vote for A580Hojas response. Firm and assertive.

Reluctantadult · 09/05/2022 14:58

I think you need to say something definite, just keeping on declining invites will take ages! And I bloody hate ghosting. However I tried to write you something and totally failed so appreciate your predicament!
Thank you for the invite. However I think it would be dishonest to pursue a friendship further as I don't think we share views on many fundamental issues. I wish you all well though and will see you at the gym.

Reluctantadult · 09/05/2022 15:00

Oh @A580Hojas nailed it!

Cocodreams · 09/05/2022 15:08

So I’ve just text:

X, I think we're very different people so I'm going to say no thank you to another coffee or meeting up again. All the best

My heart is pounding, I wish I wasn’t such a coward over these things 😢

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/05/2022 15:14

Good for you! She'll soon find someone else to talk to, don't worry.

5zeds · 09/05/2022 15:15

I’d have just said no thanks or I’m busy, but whatever works, works. I don’t think you have to hate someone just to not want to be friends. It’s fine just to not want to.

Arenanewbie · 09/05/2022 15:21

it’s a really good message.

Myshitisreal · 09/05/2022 15:36

Well done. Relax, what can she do? You were polite, and there's no room for confusion and further invites (saying no thanks would lead to more invites I'd guess).

Thereisnolight · 09/05/2022 15:41

She sounds a bit socially awkward and I feel sorry for her.
You don’t have to meet her if you don’t want to though. Just politely say you’ve a lot on at the moment. No need for any drama or making her feel bad.

Lsquiggles · 09/05/2022 15:43

What an intense woman! I hope your message works

Reluctantadult · 09/05/2022 15:46

High five!

AffIt · 09/05/2022 15:46

Great message, well done.

AffIt · 09/05/2022 15:49

@Thereisnolight

She sounds a bit socially awkward and I feel sorry for her.

Would you say the same thing if this person was male?

The OP has said this person makes her feel uncomfortable: we do not owe anybody our time our space just because they are X/Y/Z.

HellyR · 09/05/2022 15:53

Well done. That's much better than just not replying - I have to say that suggestion always gets my goat as it leaves so much open to misinterpretation and potentially drags the whole thing out. (Unless they're being abusive, obviously, and/or you've asked them explicitly not to to contact you any more).

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2022 15:53

Now block her and move on. I wouldn't give her another thought, and I wouldn't worry about bumping into her, either.

ThreeRingCircus · 09/05/2022 15:54

I do think it's a good message but be prepared for her to come back with questions. Not that you owe her any answers!

A580Hojas · 09/05/2022 21:06

Glad you liked my wording. Hope she takes it on board! fingers crossed.

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