Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DD and my mum

36 replies

Borris · 26/04/2022 13:23

I would appreciate thoughts and advice on my dd aged 10 and my mum. My parents live a few hours away and we tend to see them for either a weekend every couple of months or sometimes a longer stay of 4-5 days during school holidays. Sometimes they come to us. Sometimes us to them. DD is an only grandchild and my mum goes to huge effort to make the most of our time together - plans lots of stuff, buys gifts, cooks yummy food, books trips out etc which dd really seems to enjoy.

Backstory is that I am divorced for 4 years now from dd dad. He was emotionally abusive to me and on a lower level to dd. Things like the silent treatment if she expresses and opinion she doesn't like etc. XH hates my parents. They bent over backwards to include him while we were married but it was never enough for him who only wanted to see them twice a year max. They helped me leave him when I confided about the abuse and that means he blames them for us splitting up.

The problem - dd sometimes seems to be quite cruel towards my mum. She will occasionally go around a table at bedtime and hug everyone but then give my mum just a shoulder tap. This upsets my mum a lot. But she is careful to pull dd up on it but never does the silent treatment etc.

I think some of the problem is that my mum loves a hug and expresses her love that way. Dd is not very tactile. Neither am I. She very rarely kisses me although she does like a cuddle with me. When she hugs the others it tends to be a side ways shoulder squeeze.

I have chatted to dd and it seems she doesn't like granny's hugs. My mum accepts that they have different love languages and also that dd has body autonomy and so does not have to hug anyone.

But it does seem mean that dd singles my mum out to have less.

We have decided that next visit dd will do a virtual hug (arms around themselves only) and see if that helps.

Can anyone offer any other thoughts. I guess my issue is not the lack of hug which is fine but the singling my mum out to have less than everyone else which seems mean.

OP posts:
Maydaysoonenough · 26/04/2022 13:27

I am all for dc making their own boundaries but your dd sounds rude!! If she can't make a great effort for her dgm she isn't respectful imo.

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 13:28

Have you asked dd what is different about nana hugs? Are they too long for example? Can she understand it’s hurting nana by excluding her? That said your solution is fine as dd has her own feelings which should be honoured. although your mum is going to know why it’s being done so not sure it’s going to make the issue better iykwim

ancientgran · 26/04/2022 13:33

I'm not clear about who she is hugging? Is it you, your father, other family members? If she hugs you and not DGM that is one thing, if she hugs you, DGF, maybe your sister and brother etc then it isn't OK. If she doesn't like alot of contact then no hugs is the answer.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Families
Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 13:36

Thanks. Yes I agree it's rude.

I wondered if it stems a bit from loyalty to her dad who will call my mum a pig to her and my (bald) dad a slap head Sad

Dd says that hugs with my mum are too squeezy. I think she means long and enveloping. To be fair my dad is much less tactile and so naturally does a shorter hug anyway.

My mum is on board with all I've written as I've discussed it with her and would like to find a solution that stops the rudeness but also respects dds body autonomy

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 26/04/2022 13:37

Is she mean to your mum in any other way? Or is it literally just the hugs?

Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 13:37

She hugs me happily. It tends to just be me, my mum and my dad at these times. She'll hug me, hug dad (although a shorter hug as above) and then tap granny on the shoulder and say night

OP posts:
CorsicaDreaming · 26/04/2022 13:37

That does sound very sad and my heart goes out to your lovely mum

I've got a 9 year old DS. If it happened to me, I'd be telling him straight how upsetting and discriminatory it was (I always end up using long and unsuitable words when I'm cross!) and he either gave everyone a hug or none.

Id probably also ask my mum if she could do slightly less enthusiastic hug.
My MiL is a hugely over enthusiastic hugger and it makes me feel like I'm being wrestling a bear. Sometimes my ribs hurt. It never feels like a very loving hug to me, but she seems to equate strength of love with strength of hug. I've heard my SIL go "ooof" during a hug Grin

Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 13:38

Occasionally she can be mean to her. It used to be more when me and her dad first split. Much less now. But still occasionally. I wondered if it gave her a feeling of power that she lacks at her dads, or trying to imitate her dad

OP posts:
Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 13:39

Me too. My heart breaks for my mum who tries so hard

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 26/04/2022 13:42

My DSs probably wouldn't go near someone who hugged lover enthusiastically so I can see why she doesn't like it. Can you get your DD to give her nana a hug from the side, so that one of her arms goes around her nanna, and just give a kiss on the cheek? So her nanna 'receives' the hug rather than gives it?

sickofthisnonsense · 26/04/2022 13:44

On the one hand Bot being hugged is hurting your mum but your DD has told you what the issue is.
It sounds like hugs with your dad and your are short and respect her boundaries. To me it sound like she doesn't trust your mum to do the same.

I'd say no one gets a hug

purpleboy · 26/04/2022 13:46

It sounds rude, and probably comes across as rude and it could be a combination of both feeling loyal to her dad coupled with not liking long hugs.
You could try talking and delve a bit deeper into it, explain it's not nice to exclude 1 person but get her to explain how she would like the hug to go, ie 1 second no squeeze etc.. find a solution that works for her without hurting anyones feelings.
An absolute priority (for me personally) is that she feels she has control over her body and has final say over who gets to hug her, no one is entitled to demand physical affection from anyone including/especially a child.
But if it's coming from a place of loyalty then that's a bigger discussion to have.

My DD has refused pretty much all physical contact with anyone since she was about 4, no kisses, no hugs, the best we get is a fist bump at night, it's really sad and I miss it so much, but I've always taught her it's her body, her rules, it's sure come back to bite me in the arse now, but I still feel it's the right thing to do for her.
The dog gets unlimited cuddles and kisses thoughGrin

Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 13:50

Yes our dog gets unlimited cuddles too. A kiss is defo off the menu for everyone including me. Tbh I hated kissing as a child too. Wet saliva on your cheek. Ugh.

I think maybe the solution is the sideways hug which seems less overwhelming and maybe starting with my mum so it’s everyone or no one. Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 26/04/2022 13:54

Same type of sideways hug for everyone is a good idea. If she wants a proper mum hug she can get them from you at a different time.

Hopefully as she regains some control their relationship will improve.

FatFucker · 26/04/2022 13:55

Why is it rude not to give a hug?

Children should be able to say who touches their body.

I feel sorry for your wee girl. You're mum is a tight hugger, it makes your daughter uncomfortable but you want to make her cuddle your mum.

How can anyone say this is rude?

Your num needs to get over herself.

I'm shocked at this thread! Genuinely shocked.

pippinsleftleg · 26/04/2022 13:56

I would let her continue as she is. I know this probably hurts your mum, but your mum sounds amazing and I’m sure she is mature enough to understand what is happening whereas your daughter isn’t.

your daughter is testing boundaries and your mum is currently teaching her that her love and kindness towards your daughter is unconditional. Your daughter doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to but she still gets love.

I bet her father doesn’t give her that.

FatFucker · 26/04/2022 13:56

*your mum

Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 14:00

Fatfucker. I’m not saying it’s rude to not hug. But it does seem rude to go round a table and hug everyone until you get to the last person (my mum) and then do a cursory shoulder tap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Borris · 26/04/2022 14:02

Pippinsleftleg yes I do agree that she might be testing what love is. As it’s VERY conditional with her dad. My mum is old enough and mature enough to cope. But it’s hard to not take it personally at times

OP posts:
purpleboy · 26/04/2022 14:06

FatFucker · 26/04/2022 13:55

Why is it rude not to give a hug?

Children should be able to say who touches their body.

I feel sorry for your wee girl. You're mum is a tight hugger, it makes your daughter uncomfortable but you want to make her cuddle your mum.

How can anyone say this is rude?

Your num needs to get over herself.

I'm shocked at this thread! Genuinely shocked.

I think you've missed the point, it's not rude to not hug someone.
It's rude to hug 2 out of 3 family members and then give the last one a shoulder tap.
It's making a point, what that point is only op can tell.

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 26/04/2022 14:07

I had a worse experience of this than your DD with an uncle that I found creepy as a teen because he was very OTT physically and disrespected my boundaries. I would try not to give him any form of affection whenever we met, as it felt wrong to me to "Encourage him", because I felt that if I gave an inch, he would do what I didn't want again. My mum took my uncle's side and labelled me rude for singling him out. It really damaged me and my relationship with my mum has never recovered.

Yes, your mum isn't creepy, but your DD is experiencing unwanted affection that she has tried to communicate she doesn't like and has had that not respected.

Don't force your DD to hug your mum in the way your mum wants.

Maybe get her to work out what might make her comfortable by way of physical affection with everyone so she doesn't single your mum out. But truthfully, if your mum keeps overstepping, even in an inadvertent and affectionate way (including making clear that she dislikes the alternative that your DD offers, or trying to push her gently for more) then it is her who is in the wrong and she needs to understand that. Affection can be demonstrated in lots of different ways - my DD likes to draw for my PIL, who are not touchy feely - she absolutely loves their reaction to things she has done for them and they have a real intimacy that isn't particularly physically affectionate.

littlestpogo · 26/04/2022 14:11

I was like your DD as a child ( and one of my DC is the same). I hated hugs from my DM - they felt suffocating and forced on me, really hard to explain but my instinct inside was to push away from her hugs, they were just too much/too loaded. It sounds awful now but honestly that was how I felt as a child.

My dad was generally far less tactile and I was fine with him giving me a quick hug ( they also happened less often). His hugs didn’t feel too much for me in the way my DM did.

perhaps it’s something similar with your daughter for the comments she’s made? I’d agree with maybe trying the quick shoulder squeeze ( and perhaps your DM doesn’t need to reciprocate it at first until DD is more comfortable).

LoveSpringDaffs · 26/04/2022 14:12

I can sympathise with her.

Your mum sounds a lot like mine & I love her loads, but I hate hugging her. I can't even really explain why, so I'm not surprised your DD can't explain it any better. She's just somehow 'too much' physically & emotionally. it's 'too intimate'

I hug her because it's what she wants/expects, but I'm an adult who has 'learnt' these behaviours. DD is a child who is being taught bodily autonomy (yay for her).

CorsicaDreaming · 26/04/2022 14:12

@FatFucker - odd choice of name by the way as I feel I can't help but being rude if I want to address you, but that's beside the point...

  • it's not rude not to hug - and I'd agree with PP that especially a child shouldn't be made to feel they must.

But it is both rude and hurtful to deliberately exclude one person in front of others. And if that is the hostess whose gone to huge lengths to make you feel welcome, it is even worse.

I think the side hug idea where DD is standing and adults seated will help her feel more in control and that it is on her terms.

Maybe she feels lots happening totally out of her control

Maybe (although this may be totally wrong) your DD picked up on the animosity your ex had for your mum and feels that your mum is in some way to blame for the split.
Might be worth exploring that with her and putting her straight if that's a possibility?

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 26/04/2022 14:12

And yes she has told you she doesn't like granny's hugs, but I can almost certainly guarantee she has communicated to granny that she doesn't (squirming, avoidance etc) before she has actually told you this and your mum has ignored her cues. This in no way means your mum is a bad person - it is totally reasonable to want to hug your granddaughter. But it is also ok for your DD to have boundaries