DD and my mum

[Borris]

I would appreciate thoughts and advice on my dd aged 10 and my mum. My parents live a few hours away and we tend to see them for either a weekend every couple of months or sometimes a longer stay of 4-5 days during school holidays. Sometimes they come to us. Sometimes us to them. DD is an only grandchild and my mum goes to huge effort to make the most of our time together - plans lots of stuff, buys gifts, cooks yummy food, books trips out etc which dd really seems to enjoy.

Backstory is that I am divorced for 4 years now from dd dad. He was emotionally abusive to me and on a lower level to dd. Things like the silent treatment if she expresses and opinion she doesn't like etc. XH hates my parents. They bent over backwards to include him while we were married but it was never enough for him who only wanted to see them twice a year max. They helped me leave him when I confided about the abuse and that means he blames them for us splitting up.

The problem - dd sometimes seems to be quite cruel towards my mum. She will occasionally go around a table at bedtime and hug everyone but then give my mum just a shoulder tap. This upsets my mum a lot. But she is careful to pull dd up on it but never does the silent treatment etc.

I think some of the problem is that my mum loves a hug and expresses her love that way. Dd is not very tactile. Neither am I. She very rarely kisses me although she does like a cuddle with me. When she hugs the others it tends to be a side ways shoulder squeeze.

I have chatted to dd and it seems she doesn't like granny's hugs. My mum accepts that they have different love languages and also that dd has body autonomy and so does not have to hug anyone.

But it does seem mean that dd singles my mum out to have less.

We have decided that next visit dd will do a virtual hug (arms around themselves only) and see if that helps.

Can anyone offer any other thoughts. I guess my issue is not the lack of hug which is fine but the singling my mum out to have less than everyone else which seems mean.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I really do appreciate it. And also remember having to endure wet kisses from my (very much loved by me) grandad.

I think the clear thing is that my mums hugs are different to my dads hugs and dd doesn't like the prolonged contact. Whether there is some subconscious issues to do with xh is almost irrelevant.

I still think it's wrong to single someone out.

So my solution going forwards is to ask dd how she wants to say goodnight/goodbye or whatever the situation is for everyone. She can then choose whether it's high 5, fist bumps, sideways hugs or full hugs. And then she can do the same to all. I can prime my mum to be super restrained and to not try to extend any longer than dd wishes so it's fully controlled by dd.

Luckily my mum really is lovely. She has read the love languages book and fully taken on board that while she is a tactile person, dd (and me) are not, and so things like words of affirmation mean more to us.

@CorsicaDreaming feel free to be as rude as you want! It's mumsnet after all ;)

But it is both rude and hurtful to deliberately exclude one person in front of others. And if that is the hostess whose gone to huge lengths to make you feel welcome, it is even worse.

OP has agreed her mum's cuddles are much more full on than anyone's else. However just because someone has gone to a lot of trouble, does not make it right that the daughter has to let her boundaries down.

What about a man taking you for a meal, buying you drinks and presents. Are you being rude and hurtful if you don't have sex with him? He's gone to huge lengths to make you feel welcome after all.

Her daughter doesn't want to cuddle her mum, doesn't matter if she's 2 or 12 or 22. It's her body!!

Anyway OP's mum sounds amazing, and I'm sure the love surrounded by OP's daughter will win through. Good luck OP.

Are you sure she isn't trying to hurt your Mum. Is she following through on crap your ex has told her about her being the one who has split the family, or dripping poison in her ear about how horrible your Mum is?
Id say from now on no one gets a hug at night, that leaving out one person is mean and hurtful, so everyone will be treated the same. Fist bump, side hug, whatever she likes, but no excluding anyone.

Eugh. Don’t make her hug anyone she doesn’t want to and don’t make her apply the same level of physical contact to everyone for the sake of politeness. Bodily autonomy trumps politeness. I know you’re her mum but you don’t get to tell her who she can hug or not hug.
It’s a bit shit for your mum but she’ll just have to deal with it. Why would your mum want a hug fom someone reluctant anyway?

God I remember this as a child, and it's the same now to some extent.

My granny used to want to hug me so much, she wanted me to hug her, hold her hand, sit on her lap. I wasn't a particularly tactile child (diagnosed with autism as an adult), and I really hated it. She'd then get upset and my mum would beg me to be nice, hug nanny, and call me a mean little girl for not wanting to hug her.

I didn't mind other people hugging me as much, it was just my nanny wanted so many hugs, and she would really squeeze and hold onto me. It made me so uncomfortable, and it made me feel angry as a child for being told off or called mean.

No child should ever have to hug or touch someone they don't want to, nor should they be encouraged to.

@Borris - I pretty much agree with your whole post apart from this bit –

"Whether there is some subconscious issues to do with xh is almost irrelevant."

Because for me if she does wrongly blame your mum for something then that is something I'd really want to get to the bottom of and talk through with her and make her see it wasn't in any way your mum's fault. And giving everyone a hug but her a tap on the shoulder almost seems like "punishment" in a very loose sense of the word.

So personally I would want to explore that.

But equally I know that can end up opening more issues so you're the only one who really knows what is the best way forward.

I'm all for children setting their own big series but do feel sad for your mum.

Could DD hug her so she has control? So your mum can accept the hug with the arms round.
Might be another step after her virtual hugs.

Boundaries

Without her arms around

Not doing very well here am I

My younger ds has never really liked hugs but my mum realised this and the important bit is that he is the same with every one and does not single her hugs out. My mum now gives him a quick hug to say hello or good bye which he is fine with. He understands that this is important to her and she understands that he only wants a quick light hug.

@FatFucker - yes clearly I'm advocating that if any man buys you a drink you are honour bound to have sex with them 🙄

Great analogy there. Well played 🤔