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Original poster

Did you settle?

49 replies

Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 10:28

Did you settle with your partner?

I've been single a long time and I'm trying to decide whether to accept the man that's interested in me, even though he's not Mr perfect. Is it better to be with someone 'ok' vs being alone?

I'm 24 so there's no urgent need to have kids, I have a few years of fertility (hopefully) left for that. But I would like to be in a relationship.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/04/2022 10:30

At 24 absolutely no way.

Although no one is perfect!! It's the things that you don't like about someone that kill a relationship.

Pyri · 25/04/2022 10:31

No no no, please don’t settle, it will wear away at you and you’ll miss out the opportunity to meet “the one”.

You have literally years and years ahead of you, please enjoy this time and use it to explore / sleep with unsuitable men before finding a gem a bit later on. You honestly don’t need to be thinking about settling now

TeeBee · 25/04/2022 10:31

What wrong with being alone? Its considerably better than being with someone is wrong for you. Good grief, you're young! Do not settle...ever!

Furrbabymama87 · 25/04/2022 10:33

You're so young to be thinking this way. I was in an unhappy relationship for a few years, around around same age as you. I had children though. We never lived together and he wasn't a good dad, we were in an on/ off relationship and it was dead. Something happened and I realised it was definitely over. I thought I'd stay single and was coming to terms with that, but I met someone unexpectedly and got married in my early 30s and everything is great. Don't settle!

Original poster
Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 10:57

I assumed settling was more common, maybe that's me being pessimistic. I've never been in a 'proper' relationship before. I've had interest but have never found anyone that I'd like to be in a relationship with. I wonder if I'm the problem and maybe should just give this man a chance?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 10:59

Don’t ‘settle’ when you’re 24.

However, if you’re saying you’ve never given a relationship a chance because you weren’t blown away/thought there must be more/didn’t know what you were looking for then why wouldn’t you give this guy a chance? You don’t have to marry him or make a huge commitment to keep seeing him and find out what happens.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 11:01

When you say he’s ‘not Mr Perfect’ that could mean anything from totally normal (no one is perfect!) to creepy controlling weirdo…

NightmareSlashDelightful · 25/04/2022 11:02

Is it better to be with someone 'ok' vs being alone?

Nope.

LoveItOrListIt · 25/04/2022 11:06

Nope don’t settle! I was 10 years older than you when I met my now DH…he was absolutely worth the wait. I’d had a few long term relationships prior to meeting him and they would have all been “settling” and I subconsciously knew it at the time even though I tried to convince myself they were great relationships (they were not!).

Original poster
Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 11:09

By not 'mr perfect' I mean he's great on some levels. He's lovely and thoughtful and kind, and I'm really attracted to him. We've been dating for a couple of months and I sense he wants us to become more serious but I'm hesitant. My main worry is that we just don't have that much to talk about. Whenever we're together we just talk about work really. I've tried to have more interesting and deeper conversations but we have different interests so the conversations don't really go anywhere.

OP posts:
runnerbeany · 25/04/2022 11:10

What does settling mean to you? Is he absolutely perfect but is balding early? Or is he a controlling conspiracy theorist who never leaves his gaming chair?

runnerbeany · 25/04/2022 11:15

Oh cross post, sorry!
In that case I'd personally give him a bit longer, and try to draw him out. If you don't have common hobbies that's fine (you might make new ones together in future). But can you talk about other stuff, like politics / if I ruled the world I'd... / what heaven looks like / would you rather... / etc? You can literally talk to anyone about things like that?
If you don't get anywhere I'd tackle it head on and explain to him what you'd like from your relationship. If he knows, he might step up. If not, end it.
My now husband is pretty shy, and it took us a while to get to a stage where he'd talk openly about 'abstract' stuff like my suggestions above. I'm so relieved I gave him a longer to open up!

Original poster
Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 11:19

runnerbeany · 25/04/2022 11:15

Oh cross post, sorry!
In that case I'd personally give him a bit longer, and try to draw him out. If you don't have common hobbies that's fine (you might make new ones together in future). But can you talk about other stuff, like politics / if I ruled the world I'd... / what heaven looks like / would you rather... / etc? You can literally talk to anyone about things like that?
If you don't get anywhere I'd tackle it head on and explain to him what you'd like from your relationship. If he knows, he might step up. If not, end it.
My now husband is pretty shy, and it took us a while to get to a stage where he'd talk openly about 'abstract' stuff like my suggestions above. I'm so relieved I gave him a longer to open up!

I have tried to have deeper conversations. He's a lovely guy but his main interest in the gym and bodybuilding. When we're not talking about work, he often steers the conversation to the food he's eating and the weights he's lifting. We were talking about our perfect days and he just said 'lots of food and the gym' and didn't really elaborate on that so the conversation didn't go anywhere much.

I'm worried that I'm leading him on by continuing to see him. I worry that when we get older and if the attraction fades, there won't really be much left to the relationship and it would be boring. But am I overthinking?

OP posts:
garlicandsapphires · 25/04/2022 11:30

It’s doesn’t sound like you have much in common and you may be right to be concerned about conversation.
Maybe give it a couple more months to see if it deepens or develops. Some relationships are slow burners.

runnerbeany · 25/04/2022 11:30

Ah okay. Sounds like it might be a dead end then.
What happens if you start a conversation such as, what do you think heaven is like? Or if you had to live in another country where would it be? Does he engage with the subject and you can have a proper discussion? If not it doesn't sound like he's very interesting I have to say. Very difficult to gauge from a few short lines on a forum though!

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:43

Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 10:28

Did you settle with your partner?

I've been single a long time and I'm trying to decide whether to accept the man that's interested in me, even though he's not Mr perfect. Is it better to be with someone 'ok' vs being alone?

I'm 24 so there's no urgent need to have kids, I have a few years of fertility (hopefully) left for that. But I would like to be in a relationship.

I think you should start building a good relationship with a person who:

wants the same things from life
wants a similar financial situation and is working towards it
has similar ideas on parenting and medical choices
has a similar outlook on the world that you want to pass onto your children
is trustworthy and wants the same things such as marriage, career, do they want a housewife or does he want you both to work full-time?
similar political outlooks
what does he think about if children are gay or trans?

It will take time to find the right person but doing so will avoid pitfalls

my husband wants our child to be supported being trans.
my husband won't tell his parents in law to stop asking to take the baby overnight
my husband won't support me breastfeeding/changing career/being a stay at home parent
my husband is lazy and refuses to work
help! my husband agrees with tony blair!

Why leave these things to chance when you could build your dream life right now?

24 is a good age to settle down then by the time you are 28 you can begin having children, your fertile years will already be dropping off at this point.

dontgobaconmyheart · 25/04/2022 11:43

I think a lot of people do but are not likely to admit it, or even really fully have reflected whether it's the case that they have when they rub along fine with someone or think they are a 'good person' but wouldn't rush to date them now or don't really fancy them, are codependent with their partner or just simply have low self esteem and worry they 'won't find anyone else if they leave' and fear being alone. It is for each person to decide what leaves them best off in life on balance. People will all value different things in life and have different levels of needs for stability and security.

At 24 and very early into dating this isn't something you should need to think about and I don't think is the issue really. You don't owe this person anything OP, you are not leading anyone on by dating them and having done so doesn't oblige you to continue. It isn't about whether you want to 'settle' - at a few months in you have no idea where this will go or even know each other well enough to say- it's about whether you enjoy dating them and want to carry on for now and see where it goes.

For me the situation you describe sounds a bit tiresome. If you have fun together and are attracted to him carry on dating him but that doesn't mean it needs to progress if you aren't interested. The fact he wants it to doesn't mean it has to be the case. I couldn't seriously date a person that there was no scope of mutual interests or decent conversation with. I don't think it's overthinking to have identified something that sounds very valid.

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:47

Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 10:57

I assumed settling was more common, maybe that's me being pessimistic. I've never been in a 'proper' relationship before. I've had interest but have never found anyone that I'd like to be in a relationship with. I wonder if I'm the problem and maybe should just give this man a chance?

Do you know what you want from life?
Do you know where you want to be by age 30?
Or are you just fumbling in the dark?

Do you want a family?

Crimeismymiddlename · 25/04/2022 11:47

You are only 24, and it really sounds like you and this man are not compatible. I settled for someone I was not keen on at your age for some very stupid reasons. It did not work out, and was very unfair on the person I was with as it must have been pretty obvious the contempt I had for him in the end. As other people have said settling rather than staying single and meeting the right person drags you down.
Also you are worried about the attraction fading and the relationship becoming boring, it sounds boring already.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 11:50

At 24, definitely do not settle. I met DH at 29, married at 32, babies at 33 and 38. You have plenty of time to work our what you want.

OK so current guy is hot and hopefully the sex is great, but there's not much else going on. That's just part of a learning curve.

Fwiw I don't think I SETTLED with DH but I think we were both at a point of thinking OK I need marriage and babies in short order so we skipped some steps. If we'd met five years earlier, maybe it wouldn't have worked.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2022 11:51

I’d find him pretty dull too, honestly.

Original poster
Queriesdon12 · 25/04/2022 11:53

cockapoopoo · 25/04/2022 11:47

Do you know what you want from life?
Do you know where you want to be by age 30?
Or are you just fumbling in the dark?

Do you want a family?

Show quote history

I have an idea of what I'd like from like. I'd like to spend the next couple of years travelling and seeing the world and living abroad before coming back to London. Longer term, I'd like to have a house in the countryside with some land and hopefully a nice husband.

I think my desire to travel also makes me weary about getting into a relationship. Im hoping that I can find a man who also wants to travel with me.

OP posts:
Lottie4 · 25/04/2022 11:59

You're still young, so just enjoy live and only settle with someone who you think you can be happy with.

I half wanted to meet someone, but Mr Right hadn't appeared by the time I was 26, so started saving for my own place which I bought when I was 29. I loved my own little place the moment I loved in and it was the one time in my life I really didn't want anyone - guess what the chap upstairs invited his new neighbour to a party he was having, we got talking, went out for a drink and were married 18 months later (married nearly 27 years now!)

TottersBlankly · 25/04/2022 12:00

I’m astonished that anyone is telling a woman of 24 to ‘give it another couple of months’ when she’s in a relationship with a man she finds boring!

OP your current boyfriend sounds more like a FWB than a potential long term partner. If you’re not interested in that kind of interaction I’d ditch him - mostly because it prevents you from meeting better prospects.

But I do think you need to be careful to build your own world, independent of any longing for a ‘relationship at any cost’. You have a whole world to conquer. Do that.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 12:02

Does he want to travel @Queriesdon12 ?@Queriesdon12 ? Has he travelled out of the UK?