Being friends with someone rich

[Ticketsto]

I have a friend who I have known since I was a child. We are both in our mid-twenties and come from similar backgrounds. She now lives a much different life to me! She married a rich man, managed to carve out a successful, well paid career, lives in a gorgeous home with so much space (mortgage free), always going on holiday, completely redone their home, the list goes on…

Me on the other hand, just had my first holiday since 2018, still renting with my boyfriend with no sign of getting onto the property ladder, drive an old car, Driving an old car…

I can’t help but feel resentful! Is anyone like this?

Feel inspired not resentful

You be thrilled at your good friend’s good fortune. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your only human.

unfortunately this is life.

Try not to let it affect your friendship and if you feel it is then take a break from her for a while.

This

i have friends who are much richer and friends who are much poorer, it’s not really anything to do with the friendships.

It's only human to feel a bit envious of her material possessions but don't be resentful. In my experience the happiest of my friends are not the wealthier ones but rather the ones with the happiest marriages, or very fulfilling jobs or other interests, or the one who has an especially beloved pet, or the ones who live simply but in a close and supportive community. You might be surprised to learn that she is envious of some aspect of your life.

But you are consciously making this choice. You could also find a rich partner if you wanted to make that a priority.

same with career - you could retrain ? Find a better job?

But maybe your life is fulfilled and hers isn’t

Agree with @WeddingHangover

Money is just money - post a certain point.
Once you are safe, warm, fed, and not worrying, month to month all the rest is pointless.
Also rich and poor, people are just people - with largely the same worries, shame, concerns, anxiety etc. They problems don’t all dissolve with money although we fantasise they will.
I think realising you have your own stick to measure yourself against is key.

Normal if the conversation Is about things you don’t have. If y

You’re just seeing her social medi a….. less so

I didn’t feel resentful as such but I did feel very conscious of how much harder reaching each of life’s big milestones was for me compared with so many of my friends. That’s not to say I don’t recognize my own privileges and understand that it’s all relative.

I had a working class upbringing but also parents who did not prioritise supporting their children, so had absolutely nothing at all in the way of parental or financial support growing up. I did well academically and career wise and I still find (at 40) that I don’t really meet other people from my background.

At one stage I was studying alongside people whose parents had bought them houses and were bankrolling their expensive postgraduate study. Meanwhile I was working three jobs and taking out huge loans to do the same. I bought my first house much later than them, having moved to a cheaper place, got married much later etc. and not just the money either but the fact that my parents never really wanted to help me in any way just meant that that these things were worked so hard for by me by myself but I could see others around me being handed them on a plate.

i wouldn’t want anyone to confuse my observations with a lack of gratitude for the opportunities I have had, just that I have seen how easy some people have things and how that wasn’t the case for me.

Don't stress too much about it OP. It's normal to feel like you wish you could have what someone else does if you think it's better than what you have.

The idea that you have if too if you want it isn't exactly true. Unless you dump your BF. Which would be a weird thing to do. Plus society isn't set up so we can all have it all.

It's also worth remembering it's all relative. So in comparison to you she has a good career and good holidays. She'll very likely meet people who have a better, newer car than her, more jewellery, have a better home than her etc. There's always someone who has more than you materially. And that means there's likely someone who wishes they had just a bit of what you do.

All that doesn't mean there aren't ways to improve your situation. The first thing to do that, however, is to have a think about what you want in life, what's important to you, and then what do you need to do to get there. It might not be material either. Maybe you want to stay near parents or travel or study something else. That means stop looking at her life during this process and really focus on your own and your future. Then brainstorm.

Because the bottom line is that when you have satisfied your goals in life, you won't really care what she or anybody has or not.

But you're definitely right to see that money brings an ease and comfort that a lack of it doesn't. And when you're struggling it can be hard to see, even if you are happy for her that she doesn't have to struggle.

Its a natural human reaction but Ive got to the point where jealousy no longer affects me because Ive thought about it and it only creates negativity and it leads to bitterness. "Comparison is the thief of joy"- instead of feeling envy, use them as inspiration- get their advice about investments/money/business etc Let them mentor you. Its good to see successful people about because if they can do it, so can you (plenty of successful people started from zero). This is a much healthier attitude because Ive met plenty of people who allowed envy to harden into bitterness and their lives are just one self created misery after another- its not their circumstances that cause their unhappiness, its their miserable, bitter attitude that paints themselves as a victim who is entitled to what everyone else has that directs their entire lives.

I earn 3/4 times my best friend. She did a job she loved and I went into a boring, kinda soul destroying career that requires a lot of effort in a different way that hers.

I also have a partner on nearly £100k and she's a single mum.

There's times it's awkward but I hope she doesn't resent me, and again she had the choice to go into something boring and more corporate rather than following her passion (so maybe the jealousy works both ways(

I try to minimise the difference between us, pay for a few extra things, pick up every incidental expense like buying more rounds, taxi's, deposits, etc. I have never felt any resentment from her but maybe I'm not looking for it.

Try not to be resentful, her life won't be perfect in every way

Are you sure resentful is the right word? Are you resentful of your situation or are you jealous of hers?

I find it interesting you write she married a rich man as the first thing, when she’s a successful well paid career woman.

you are only in your mid twenties.your focus should be on your own career and ambitions. Not on feeling jealous of her.

I am on the other side of this equation op, and your friend is likely to feel hurt you are judging her in this way.

Yes she has fallen on her feet but it is just money. It is not a magic spell to make life perfect. I was quite shocked to see some pp recommending you distance yourself. You will lose the friendship if you do that, over what? Envy?

I choose my friends for their values, personality, loyalty and shared life together. I do not choose them because they are wealthy/not wealthy, and find that a very shallow way to live your life. You either have shared interest and care about your friend, or let her go and spend her time with people that care about her and are happy her life has worked out.

I have been on the receiving end of bitter envy from different quarters in the last twenty years, I will warn you that it was obvious to me - the tiny digs, the minimising of my problems because why would I have any after all, small subtle ways that eroded the friendship - and I usually fade them out because after a while it becomes toxic and unhealthy.

You either enjoy the friendship for what it is, without comparison. Or surround yourself with less successful people to boost your own self worth. It sounds like a very short sighted way to live, but if your ego is that fragile than the latter is probably for better for all concerned. Your friend will be very hurt and confused, as she is unlikely to know why you are feeling resentment towards her as she almost certainly doesn't compare your lives in any way (if she did, she would choose equally wealthy friends only)

I think it is very honest of you to post about this, only you can decide if you like her enough to keep your feelings in check.

I have a good friend who is mega-rich. It's jaw dropping sometimes. She zips around the world like planes are buses. She has 2 amazing houses in this country (one is beachfront, 8 bedroom). She has another massive place in the Caribbean. A few years ago she wanted to move one street over so she bought a new house to move into before selling her old one. For convenience!! I love her and I don't begrudge her a penny. The only time money is an issue is when she occasionally doesn't understand being poor (wonders WHY I always work on Saturdays! I should take the weekend off!) and I guess I'm also mega-aware of not always letting her pick up the tab. I see some friends just assume she's always paying and it makes me uncomfortable. We do my-turn / your-turn with coffee, just like I do with all my friends.
It's good fun having a mega-rich friend sometimes. I get to stay in her fancy houses, ride her gorgeous horses, whizz around in her robot car. She also gives my daughters hand-me-downs that make their jaws drop.
Also (cliché alert) money isn't everything. She has had some awful luck. I might have holes in my shoes and a shitty old car but I have other good things in my life.

I suspect if you were happy in your life you would not compare yourself so much to your friend. I have a friend who is always comparing herself to others and always resentful of their good life (as she sees it). It borders on hate. But what I also know is her life has mega challenges and I think it makes her unhappy and her focus turn to others.

Look at your own life. Are you happy? Truly happy? If not, why not. Then try and focus on solutions if that is possible.

It is all relative. There are people struggling to feed themselves and their kids and there are people with 2 houses .....

Our social structures are problematic but little you can do about it unless you get into politics.

Yes, lots. They're friends despite your financial differences. I've got friends who earn sooo much more than me but we are still friends. I only join in to the joint events that I can afford but that's life!

Surround yourself with people who make you feel happy. If that means those of less means then so be it. She won't understand and she will be hurt but it is your life. It would be a shame though, as she obviously values you and cares nothing about wealth as it hasn't affected her friendship towards you.

I'm on the wealthy side of this equation. I have learnt the hard way that people I thought were my friends aren't really. At one get together of school mums they started to bitch about 'the mums with the big houses'. All very negative (and unfounded stuff), until one mum who knows me outside of school pointed out that 'herb lives in a big house and she's ok'. Like it had to be clarified! They all thought I was ok before this revelation. I'm now tempted to throw a big fk off party so that everyone knows where I live, and those who have an issue with it can start bitching about me sooner rather than later. Get it over with so to speak.

Jealously is a pointless emotion. You will gain nothing from it, and potentially lose a lot.

And as an aside, no matter how rich someone is, there is always someone richer.

Corney but true: comparison is the thief of joy.

And as an aside, no matter how rich someone is, there is always someone richer

This exactly shows the pointlessness of envy/jealousy. Supposing you work your arse off to become as rich as your friend. You feel satisfied for 10 minutes and then you meet a new friend who is even richer. Not only that, she's prettier, and her DH has a better job than yours. What then?- you plunge right back into jealousy and misery? In life, there will always be someone richer, slimmer, prettier, younger etc etc.. If you live your life based on a comparison to others you will be constantly miserable.
What you need to remember is that there is always someone worse off than you aswell and they might aspire to your life and consider YOU the lucky one.

Happiness comes from within, not from comparing yourself to others and "beating them" in some kind of imaginary wealth competition.

Friendship shouldn't consider finances. I'm 51 and have the same friendship group since my teens (there's about 15 of us). Some are now millionaires, some are scraping their way. But we are all still good friends. The wealthy ones appreciate others positions, so we do something cheaply. I cook dinner for them, which they appreciate. We take our dogs for a walk. We go for an inexpensive lunch. If they have group meal at an expensive restaurant, they just don't tell me. I don't feel left out, I know that they know that I can't afford it and we'll make alternative plans.
I'm chuffed for the wealthy as they've worked hard and deserve it, and try to help those who are struggling.
They don't boast about what they've got. I don't moan about what I haven't.
It's never been a problem in my circle because we value our friendships and just generally have fun when we get together. I'm not bothered that my friend is wearing a £300 dress and I'm in one I got from a charity shop for £5. Neither is she. We both compliment each other and then have a good ol natter!