Being friends with someone rich

[Ticketsto]

I have a friend who I have known since I was a child. We are both in our mid-twenties and come from similar backgrounds. She now lives a much different life to me! She married a rich man, managed to carve out a successful, well paid career, lives in a gorgeous home with so much space (mortgage free), always going on holiday, completely redone their home, the list goes on…

Me on the other hand, just had my first holiday since 2018, still renting with my boyfriend with no sign of getting onto the property ladder, drive an old car, Driving an old car…

I can’t help but feel resentful! Is anyone like this?

Please don't compare yourself with anyone otherwise it will make you unhappy.I'm sure your friend would be upset that you think like this, after all, we are all different and we should be happy for each other and it's the friendship that counts. Plus you are in your mid twenties, you have a whole life ahead of you. My circumstances changed after getting married but I didn't marry into money either nor did we inherit or get any support from family. I would be so upset if my closest friends thought like this because I value the friendship and I get so happy when they do things which makes them more financially stable such as a promotion or a new business and for them to think like the way you are thinking would obviously be very hurtful to me. People shouldn't have to feel guilty about their circumstances just because they make more money, marry rich or inherit.

Not sure if it's an age thing, but I felt the same in my 20s (resentful).
However, now I'm in my 40s it's not something that even crosses my mind.

She may have the money, but I'm sure if you dug deeper/ knew more about her personal life you would find something that makes her life less desirable than you think.

No-one has a perfect life, no matter how it seems on the surface.

It's your friend. Be happy for her.

I don't resent people who are better off than I am, but I found it difficult maintaining a friendship with them as I simply couldn't afford the kind of socialising they took for granted. Having said that, I don't find friendships easy in any circumstances, so it might just be me.

As other pps have said, having money doesn't always mean a blissfully happy life. My exHs super duper career came at the expense of mine and he controlled the money so it was a gilded cage. We also had the associated envy from family and some friends although we were always very generous towards them.

Another unfortunate side effect is that you can end up effectively subsiding some friendships ie picking up the bill when you eat out together, paying for the travel expenses when you see them, always hosting. It's not a great feeling when you realise you are 'paying' for the friendship and it's expected. I have had someone I considered a very close friend disappear when the gravy boat stopped.

i dont know, look forward to birthdays??

No but in all seriousness I get you

Why are you resentful? Did you try to marry a rich man? Why not?

Are you not happy in your job? You want a career like hers?

Go do it then, put all the resentment into getting the same for yourself.

I do think you raise a valid point here, that wealthy / rich people just need to be aware of others financial position and they may not neccessairly afford some stuff.

I had a relatively wealthy friend who would always suggest expensive places for lunch (with another mutual friend), I always said could we go to X because it was more affordable for me but she didnt like them so I would sit their with a bowl of chips. I went on a joint holiday with her years ago with our kids (we were both bridesmaids for a wedding) every activity she suggested was expensive. I was a solo mum on an average wage so it doesnt take einstein to realise that I didnt have a lot of cash to splash but she didnt seem to care. Her kids would gloat to my DD about their latest technology etc, they once mocked DD that we only had one computer.

I dont have a problem with people being wealthy but just dont rub it in my or my kid's face, nor force me into expensive activities / meals knowing full well that it will effect my weekly budget majorly.

Of course money is only money and you shouldn’t be envious, there are always someone’s richer on the way. However I wonder how it affects the dynamics of your relationship. Does it mean that you can’t do certain things she wants you to do or she doesn’t invite you as before? Can you share your problems with her and find her understanding and supportive? Do you feel less confident in comparison how you look when you are somewhere with her?

It's not a great feeling when you realise you are 'paying' for the friendship and it's expected

It is a sure fire way of ensuring that the friendship doesn't last, because no one likes to feel used. I don't mind being generous with my friends on my terms, but I am not going to be used and picking up every last bill. As a result I suspect this is why people do tend to stick mostly with other friends of similar resources because it takes out the layer of stress/expectation/inequality. I have stopped seeing friends that sit there and look the other way when the bill arrives, and show me absolutely no respect by sometimes even forgetting to say thank you.

You said she carved out a successful well laid career- have you done this too? Two well paid careers can be a game changer.

People would think why didn't thou carve out a well paid career yourself but by the time I thought about it I was well into the career and in my 40's 🙈

Dare I say it's only money and 'stuff'? Most of my friends are richer than me, live in bigger houses, drive better cars and go on frequent expensive holidays but they've also known bad times too, suffered the loss of a child or very serious illness/life changing health problems, etc. Their lives may look lovely on the outside but in reality it's not all unicorns and rainbows.

Look at the good things which enrich your life and don't cost lots of money. There are plenty of them, I'm sure. I wear supermarket/catalogue/chain store clothes but I'm fairly happy with my lot. The fact is, they couldn't manage on my small pension because their outgoings are higher.

They are friends with you because they like you, not for the amount of money that is or isn't in your bank account.

@Swayingpalmtrees, it was a hard lesson to learn with my friendship as I thought I was being kind as I realised she didn't have the same level of income but it was not like these were expensive choices I was subsidising. It came down in the end to her prioritising what she was spending of her own money on social wise with other people because she was relying on me paying when she saw me. Brutal!

Yes I get that, and what kind of friend does that decquoise? Just common decency would mean sharing the odd bill, and making someone feel valued with perhaps a thank you card or pick some flowers as a thank you. I can't deal with it, and usually start to field these types of people because I can not see if they are motivated by the friendship or the free night out. It damages my self esteem if I feel used and like I am having to pay for their company like a weird form of prostitution. I would much rather have a level playing field and we all pay our way, and every now and then when the occasion crops up to then make it special in some way. The expectation is hard to change once it sets in. Bloody cheek that you were subsiding not just the nights out, but that she was rerouting her own funds to pay for other nights. Dreadful. I guess we need to be aware of this kind of thing, and take a step back if it feels uncomfortable. I have lots of old friends that are not wealthy but absolutely lovely, I often find I don't share details of my life with them to avoid the kind of thing op describes. People are rarely happy for you that you are sitting on a beach the other side of the world in mid winter when they are getting up early freezing in the dark for work. No one is going to thank you for that information. It is about being considerate and treating friends with respect, and sharing stuff that will actually interest them.

I’ve got a lot of rich friends. I grew up destitute and in an abusive household but was clever and versatile and able to weather the storm to make good choices so that I didn’t repeat the cycle of abuse. For someone of my background i have done very well, we are comfortable but entirely normal.

My rich friends are very down to Earth, the only time it’s ever been an issue is when I hear them mention things like their sadness at not being able to, I don’t know, not know which £300 perfume to buy, or not being able to afford the members club fees this month as they are going skiing, but at that point I am like “get a fucking grip mate” and we all laugh. They have the same problems normal people do, and the same feelings. I sometimes wonder if they keep me as a poor relation friend who is up for a laugh and speaks like Danny Dyer but we get on well so who cares. It’s all fun.

The phrase 'no good deed goes unpunished' springs to mind @Swayingpalmtrees. I certainly won't get into this dynamic again though as it only became apparent when I started pushing back on comparative expense and effort and it became clear I was expected to contribute more. It's definitely difficult to renegotiate once it becomes the 'norm' in a friendship.

My experience indicates it is impossible, apart from one friend that I slowly withdrew from, but she would not let the friendship fade so I told her upfront that I felt abit abused and although I know she probably didn't intend for me to feel that way it doesn't change how it makes me feel. She rewrote the boundaries and never ever let me pick up the tab again, we halved everything and she really hadn't realised how much it was upsetting me. That was five years ago and it is still the same, equitable. She proved that she cared about me the person, so if in doubt test it out dacquioise What have you got to lose apart from a healthier bank account?

I have rich friends. Think Porsches, acres of land, swimming pools. I don't think they're any happier than I am. I don't envy them either. They all have long term unsolvable issues going on I wouldn't thank you for.

I did test it by asking her to put her hand in her pocket to meet up but she came up with all sorts of BS excuses. I will be upfront about it if I am given the opportunity but that is looking unlikely as I have heard a peep from her since I put new boundaries in place. So I think I have the answer really. Your friend sounds like a gem, rare these days.

Agreed @cptartapp My friends all have very difficult parents and family relationships and in fact although I am poorer, I am actually more free in a way. I don’t have to please anyone for fear of being cut off or worry someone is marrying me for my money or the holidays. They all have the same troubles in life, and some of the boarding school stories I hear are worse than anything I had at the rough school all the estate kids went to.

its not different to any other friendship imo unless they are a show off but people can be like that from any walk of life. We are all human.

sorry to dominate the thread here but another thought came to me.

I grew up obviously very poor as I said, most people I knew from then (and still see, I don’t leave anyone behind) would consider me rich. I consider me normal but doesn’t everyone? The bar is so very different that at all levels there are people above and below you. I have a friend who I think may be resentful of me, but I cannot do a thing about that, and she has been better off than me several times, so I try not to even think it. Who keeps these imaginary scores? I wish my friend well and love her but the dice fall as they fall. Money is so easily spent but friendship isn’t.

When I saw the title I thought this thread was going to be about how to manage the relationship when two friends are earning very differently (the less well off person should pick where to go). I have one friend in particular who is very well off but I don’t resent him - we chose different careers and his pays better than mine. Can you channel your energy into retraining instead of jealousy?

My friend is much more well off than me. Not a millionaire (but her sister is and has no kids so friend will be a beneficiary).

can afford a new car every 3 years on lease and has a lot of disposable income even though we have the same job. Has a successful holiday let too. Loves her brands like Dior/Chanel make up whilst im a Superdrug kinda girl. Not one foundation but an entire shelf

but then again, on paper we look good. We have 2 rental homes but we rent our ar 2/3rds of what we should. Maybe thats our error or not turning them into holiday lets.
but rental properties are few and far here.

they dont boast, i only know all of this as i know a lot about them.

Three of my closest friends are considerably wealthier than me. I am happy with my life though, so just see their houses as both beautiful, but also filled with more stuff which would stress me out. I have always yearned for a cosy home, which is what I have created in a tiny house. I, personally, wouldn’t have been able to create a cosy home in a massive house.

In your situation I can empathise with the renting v mortgage-free life. That would be difficult.

Thanks everyone. Perhaps resent isn’t the right word - was fed up when I wrote this post! I am trying to carve a success career so that’s something.

She is such an amazing woman. She is so modest, polite, intelligent & gorgeous!