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Original poster

She shouldn't have given my number 20 years ago

53 replies

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 16:21

This probably seems silly but I can't stop thinking about something that happened a long time ago.

When I was 17 I had a Saturday job in a big company. I had a boss called Marie who was a nice lady. Sometimes I would bump into another employee (let's call him Dan) who was the same age as me. He was nothing special, but chatting to him was just a bit of a distraction during my work day. I left the job a few month later to focus on my A Levels.

One night a few months after I quit, I met him at a club. I had been drinking. By chance I met him out we had a bit of a snog. I didn't give him my number (this was just before mobiles). The next day our house phone rang and it was Dan! He said that he had begged Marie to give him my number and she eventually got it from the files in work and gave it to him. Then he begged me to meet him and I eventually said yes.

We arranged to meet after school (we went to different schools). I assumed that he would take me for a coffee or chips somewhere, something like that. Instead he took me to an empty house that belonged to an older friend he had. It was bare and cold. Quickly 'things' happened and I didn't really know what to do. I didn't resist at all, I went along with it. I was wearing my school uniform and I just remember feeling like things had got out of control very quickly.

I remember going home and my mum being all excited for me asking where he took me, and me lying and saying that we went to a burger place in town. I felt so ashamed and some kind of line had been crossed in my mind. I was a virgin and so was he and looking back he was some kind of young Incel. He was actually such a loser but persistent and 4 weeks later we were having sex. I didn't object, I just went along with it and I have no idea why. He was obsessed with me and I guess I was flattered. It makes me sick now to think about it. I definitely was not ready for a physical relationship with anyone at that age.

He stuck around for about a year despite my efforts to get rid of him and yet I continued on as his girlfriend despite despising him and finding him unattractive. When I go back to my home town to see family, my stomach always lurches when I see him. He just makes me sick and I can't believe I gave him the time of day.

After I managed to get shot of him, I went on to have very poor boundaries with men for many years and recently those feelings of shame have bobbed right up to the surface. I know this all seems very tame compared to some women's experiences but I just can't stop thinking about it and feel sad for myself as a 17 year old.

I've been thinking about how that first meeting in that house made me so ashamed. Now that I am older and wiser, I would never go through work files to give away someone's phone number, especially not a 17 year old girl's.

I don't know why I am even writing this down. Just to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it seems pointless!

OP posts:

Incapacitated · 21/04/2022 16:23

I'm so sorry that happened. You're right. She shouldn't have done it. It's probably a bit late to address it though.

AHungryCaterpillar · 21/04/2022 16:29

Whilst I agree with you it was 20 years ago and I guess things are different now, whilst she shouldn’t have given your number is there a reason why you met up with him if you didn’t like him or find him attractive? I guess what I’m saying is she wasn’t to blame for what happened next (Nor am I saying you are before anyone jumps on me!) and do you know for sure she did give it or did he just get it and told you she gave it?

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 16:31

No I know its not Marie's fault really. I kind if felt badgered into it and I also had very low self esteem at the time and think my thought process was 'well I don't get many offers so should probably give him a chance'.

OP posts:

LetitiaLeghorn · 21/04/2022 16:31

She was wrong to do what she did. I think people thought differently years ago and she might have thought she was involved in bringing two people together. And you did indeed go out for a year so she probably thought she'd done a good thing.
I reckon a good deal of people have had relationships that they look back and cringe over. I'm sorry that you still feel so badly about it and I hope you can learn to live with it better moving forward.

HeadToToesNo · 21/04/2022 16:31

I'm sorry you experienced this, but I think you are misdirecting your feelings - she probably shouldn't have given him your number, but none of what followed was her fault.
If I were you, I'd look at getting some counselling to address the base issues here and then things should start to feel better.

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 16:32

Oh and definitely not intending to address it at all. Its just been on my mind lately and I wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 16:35

This is really what I wanted, just a bit of a chat about it as it has been in my head a lot recently. I know Marie thought she was doing something romantic and I did stick around for a year. I just remember it as a bit of a dark time.

OP posts:

Swingsandroundabouts123 · 21/04/2022 17:13

OP, I might be reading too much into this, but do you have children? Are these memories on your mind now because you are imagining your own kids in place of you/ you are worrying you won’t be able to protect them from a similar situation?

upinaballoon · 21/04/2022 17:15

"A trouble shared is a trouble halved" says the proverb. You have shared it here and got it off your chest. I have no idea who you are, nor have any of us, I expect. You have typed out something which has bothered you. You have stopped it from going around in your head. Somewhere, in the days when I read self-help books, I read that it is good to get things out in spoken words or written words, so I hope it has been good for you, after all this time, to put it out here. I wish you well.

thebeespyjamas · 21/04/2022 17:19

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 16:31

It is Marie's fault! That was not her place and she is an absolute asshat for doing that.

None of that was your fault. You were pressured, stalked even.

What a bunch of reprobates they all are.

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:22

@Swingsandroundabouts123 yes I have young daughters and one is just a few weeks old. You might be onto something. I felt something happened to my innocence that evening that had a knock on effect. It probably seems really inconsequential but I relate to my younger self in a different way now I have my girls.

@upinaballoon yes thank you. I did just want to get it out there and am glad that I have done so. Its just been going around and around and seems to silly to tell anyone in real life.

OP posts:

LetitiaLeghorn · 21/04/2022 17:22

You could try turning it round and instead of thinking that he damaged those years, he actually taught you to be stronger for your later years. Clearly it was a negative experience, but try to find the positives and the the lessons learned that ultimately came out of the relationship.

maddy68 · 21/04/2022 17:23

GDPR didn't exist years ago so people weren't as savvy about giving out information

Jackjack0962 · 21/04/2022 17:25

No she shouldn’t have given your number out OP and I can understand why you feel as you do. He got you to a unknown location where you were vulnerable and you agreed to go along with things because you were likely scared. You had no idea if the house really was empty and probably had no means of extracting yourself safety. It sounds very coercive and if you did have low self esteem you probably carried on seeing him to make sense of it all and to try to turn the bad experience into a better relationship you could look back fondly on. I don’t know if that makes sense but it sounds like a trauma response. Perhaps if you’d been able to confide in your mum or someone else you’d have seen the situation in a different way but understandably you kept it in and tried to make sense of it all as a 17 year old.
I think some counselling may be of benefit to you. You can’t change what happened but hopefully move on from it without it still causing you distress. I’m sorry it worked out in the way it did for you 💐

ENoeuf · 21/04/2022 17:28

You did have the DPA 1998 so she shouldn’t have been handing out personal information. I do think people were more naive though generally.

lanbro · 21/04/2022 17:29

I did a lot of things in my teens and early 20s that I didn't want to do but felt I should, I don't often think about it but I definitely made some very poor decisions. I have 2 daughters now, 10 & 8, and I'm already teaching them about saying no, and consent, and trying to give them the confidence to avoid repeating the same errors.

If I'm honest, it's only really now that I'm in my early 40s that I'm more confident in saying no, in many situations not just sexual. As women we're conditioned to be compliant, I'm really trying to turn that around for my girls

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:32

@Jackjack0962 I think you have said back to me the closest way that I can think of describing it actually. I remember going into the house and having a sinking feeling, realising I clearly wasn't worth taking out for a coffee or anything 'above board' and I kind of just conceded and went along with it. Then he was still interested afterwards and yes, I stuck around to try to kind of undo the shame and redeem it in some way. I got more and more out of my depth and looking back I think I developed depression over that year. I pretended to people, my parents included, that I loved him but I couldn't stand him. It was all so messed up.

OP posts:

BeautifulDragon · 21/04/2022 17:33

I think lots of teenagers get themselves into situations line you describe OP; I know I did. Just letting things happen and going along with things/people/situations that you weren't comfortable with and not really knowing why.

I think you need to accept that it was just part of your growing up process and forgive your younger self. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel ashamed. You were growing and learning.

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:35

@lanbro yes, me too. I went along with so many things through the years that looking back were demeaning. I don't even think at the time it was a sense of 'I don't want to but I will anyway'. It's like I didn't deserve any other options. I'd hate for my girls to have such low self worth!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 17:38

None of it's really to do with her giving him your number. Or to do with him. Think of all the times people have irresponsibly handed over numbers (especially years ago when people weren't so concerned about stuff like that), and it's turned into a nice romantic experience. I bet that's happened loads.

Have a look at what's happening for you now, emotionally. What part of you is the delicate part that's being prodded by this memory? Work out the bit of you that's vulnerable. That's what'll help you, moving forward.

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:39

@BeautifulDragon you are right. I guess I just feel really sorry for that girl. I say it has been in my head for days but actually, thinking about it, it's been bobbing in and out of my mind for years. I have had counselling for other things loosely connected but I never mentioned this to the therapist for some reason. The memory just wanted to be expressed tonight.

OP posts:

Swingsandroundabouts123 · 21/04/2022 17:40

Congratulations! it’s weird what haunts us when we have our own babies.

I have very young daughters as well and I think a lot about the experiences they will have and whether the world has really changed from when I was young. Lots of things that never bothered me before now make me so so angry. My partner can’t understand why I’ll be weeping about ‘the patriarchy’ on some random Tuesday afternoon, but that’s just what happens when you have little girls you have to protect!

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:43

@Watchkeys you are right. I've been having nightmares lately (not about him) and generally feeling on edge and I can't figure out why. I'm otherwise a happy person with a great husband etc but something has stirred very deep feelings in me. I'm usually very self aware but currently feel so aware of this memory and don't know what it's telling me. I'm carrying some post baby weight at the minute and I was a little chubby when all of this happened to me. I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously connecting the two?

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 17:46

Feeling physically inadequate, triggering insecurity?

Original poster

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:56

Well I always struggled with my weight growing up and into teenage years. I had no boundaries with food either and my parents were quite critical of my size. I had an experience of extreme rejection as a child and I put it down to my weight. Boys were never interested in me growing up and I put that down to my weight. Well, the only boys who were interested were different kinds of losers with various disfunctions. I lost loads of weight at the start of my twenties and kept it off until each of my pregnancies. I always lose the weight but when I have gained weight it brings up lots of feelings on a subconscious level, I think. At the time, I really felt worthless and that nobody else would want me. I don't feel like that now but it's in there somewhere, I guess.

OP posts:

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