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Original poster

She shouldn't have given my number 20 years ago

53 replies

Goldgish · 21/04/2022 16:21

NC

This probably seems silly but I can't stop thinking about something that happened a long time ago.

When I was 17 I had a Saturday job in a big company. I had a boss called Marie who was a nice lady. Sometimes I would bump into another employee (let's call him Dan) who was the same age as me. He was nothing special, but chatting to him was just a bit of a distraction during my work day. I left the job a few month later to focus on my A Levels.

One night a few months after I quit, I met him at a club. I had been drinking. By chance I met him out we had a bit of a snog. I didn't give him my number (this was just before mobiles). The next day our house phone rang and it was Dan! He said that he had begged Marie to give him my number and she eventually got it from the files in work and gave it to him. Then he begged me to meet him and I eventually said yes.

We arranged to meet after school (we went to different schools). I assumed that he would take me for a coffee or chips somewhere, something like that. Instead he took me to an empty house that belonged to an older friend he had. It was bare and cold. Quickly 'things' happened and I didn't really know what to do. I didn't resist at all, I went along with it. I was wearing my school uniform and I just remember feeling like things had got out of control very quickly.

I remember going home and my mum being all excited for me asking where he took me, and me lying and saying that we went to a burger place in town. I felt so ashamed and some kind of line had been crossed in my mind. I was a virgin and so was he and looking back he was some kind of young Incel. He was actually such a loser but persistent and 4 weeks later we were having sex. I didn't object, I just went along with it and I have no idea why. He was obsessed with me and I guess I was flattered. It makes me sick now to think about it. I definitely was not ready for a physical relationship with anyone at that age.

He stuck around for about a year despite my efforts to get rid of him and yet I continued on as his girlfriend despite despising him and finding him unattractive. When I go back to my home town to see family, my stomach always lurches when I see him. He just makes me sick and I can't believe I gave him the time of day.

After I managed to get shot of him, I went on to have very poor boundaries with men for many years and recently those feelings of shame have bobbed right up to the surface. I know this all seems very tame compared to some women's experiences but I just can't stop thinking about it and feel sad for myself as a 17 year old.

I've been thinking about how that first meeting in that house made me so ashamed. Now that I am older and wiser, I would never go through work files to give away someone's phone number, especially not a 17 year old girl's.

I don't know why I am even writing this down. Just to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it seems pointless!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 17:59

@Swingsandroundabouts123 I totally get what you mean. I look back on lots of other experiences and cannot believe the things I went along with or accepted and hate the thought of my girls having such little self regard.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 18:00

The weight thing isn't the thing, I think. The weight thing is a symptom, rather than the cause. The cause is likely the fact that your parents used to talk you down. That leaves a mark.

Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 18:02

@Watchkeys yes and that there were other events that made me feel totally unworthy (not all due to them).

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCanyon · 21/04/2022 18:08

@BeautifulDragon

I think lots of teenagers get themselves into situations line you describe OP; I know I did. Just letting things happen and going along with things/people/situations that you weren't comfortable with and not really knowing why.

I think you need to accept that it was just part of your growing up process and forgive your younger self. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel ashamed. You were growing and learning.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. I agree that we all do things when young and inexperienced that we regret later. I'm currently processing some dreadful bollocks a man I was seeing when I was 31 ( 20 years ago!) said to me because I've only just realised how much it has affected my life since. We never stop processing and learning. Be kind to yourself, and yes, please seek counselling if you think it will help.
LadyOfTheCanyon · 21/04/2022 18:10

...will help

Sorry, posted too soon.

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 18:12

OK. Well, you're not on your own feeling like that, but many never realise that they do, so you're in a good position to knock this on the head so that it doesn't keep following you into your future.

I was told 'The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

If you can get that thought out of your head, and accept that you are flawed and perfect, just like the rest of us, you'll care less about a lot of stuff, including who gave your number out.

Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 18:20

@LadyOfTheCanyon I'm really sorry that you are still processing something painful 20 years later too. Its amazing how these things stay with us. I wish you well 🌺

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 18:23

@Watchkeys thanks for your perspective. It has been good to explore these things a bit more in depth. I did see a therapist before and shame has come up a good few times in my life, in different ways. I thought I had worked through it all but sometimes these little nuggets pop up and want attention!

OP posts:
Twix74 · 21/04/2022 18:24

I am sorry he made you feel like that. Can you be sure though that Marie gave out your number? You said you left the company & bumped into him a few months later, had a kiss & he called you the next day. She wouldn't have been able to get your number that quickly as it would be held in archive so either he already had it or maybe he got it from the phone book? We always got a phone book through the door every year.

Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 18:29

@Twix74 Apparently there was a big book with everyone's details in it and Marie went and got it. She and he both worked Sundays.

OP posts:
Brokenseas · 21/04/2022 18:31

Oh OP I understand this entirely and was the same. As a girl I just didn't realise I mattered, I had the agency to apply myself to do whatever I wanted to do. And I was never attracted to the boys I ended up going out with and was never honest with myself about my feelings. It's all left its mark. It seems like such a squandering of potential, letting life just happen to you without realising you could take the wheel.

ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 18:42

Exact same thing happened to me, apart from that I refused the advances.
A colleague in the pub I worked have a regular my number, I was 17 and he was mid 30s. I was really upset as I had absolutely no interest and it was a very small village where I would see him constantly.

I completely understand why you're upset.

Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 18:45

Brokenseas · 21/04/2022 18:31

Oh OP I understand this entirely and was the same. As a girl I just didn't realise I mattered, I had the agency to apply myself to do whatever I wanted to do. And I was never attracted to the boys I ended up going out with and was never honest with myself about my feelings. It's all left its mark. It seems like such a squandering of potential, letting life just happen to you without realising you could take the wheel.

This, this, this.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 18:46

ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 18:42

Exact same thing happened to me, apart from that I refused the advances.
A colleague in the pub I worked have a regular my number, I was 17 and he was mid 30s. I was really upset as I had absolutely no interest and it was a very small village where I would see him constantly.

I completely understand why you're upset.

It really puts you in an awful spot, doesn't it! Thank you for understanding.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 19:05

I hope you are ok. It's absolutely not your fault what happened and "dan" was a horrible predator.

Booboobagins · 21/04/2022 19:05

Your story resonates with me so much.

I don't think we teach females about boundaries, about how to say no and mean it (this is why women are accused of saying no when we mean yes, cos we are badgered into it).

It's one of key issues women all over the world have and one we as mothers grandmother's, fathers, grabdfathers and perspective parents need to address. We also need to address make badgering for sex. Sex with anyone isn't great, sex with the right one is amazing IME, so why do men just want sex? Is it different for a man than a woman?!

Booboobagins · 21/04/2022 19:06

ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 19:05

I hope you are ok. It's absolutely not your fault what happened and "dan" was a horrible predator.

He was a young person with testosterone overload not a predator! 4 weeks before sex happened.

ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 19:12

@Booboobagins

He was a young person with testosterone overload not a predator! 4 weeks before sex happened.
I don't agree. Young person with testosterone problems?? He was obsessive and borderline abusive to the op. At 17 you know right from wrong. This smacks of "boys will be boys" bullshit.
ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 19:13
  • this smacks of "boys will be boys" bullshit.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/04/2022 19:34

Honestly I don't think Marie giving him your number was as important as you are making it. There are many ways to get in touch with someone, and in the same way that you saw him on a night out and see him occasionally in town when you visit your parents, he would have found out where you live without too much difficulty.

It does sound as if you were not ready to date, and it would have been better if you had a few more years to develop confidence and authority before venturing out with any teenage boy (they are all keen to have sex).

But I think Marie's role in what happened was about 1% and if you had come out of school one day to find him waiting there to ask you out, the rest would have gone down the same as it did.

My guess is you are really angry with yourself, but don't be. We all made stupid decisions and shudder and think "How COULD I?!". It is part of learning to be an adult.

Windywuss · 21/04/2022 19:46

I think early sexual experiences are commonly like this for my age group (forties). I wasn't quite like this but my best friend was. She had at least two boyfriends she didn't fancy and dreads seeing them in our home town.

One was similarly thirty ish to her 17. No sex I don't think but certainly felt pushed into a relationship with him with parents enabling it.

Another fairly long term boyfriend, and I remember him being obsessed and when she finally did manage to end it, he stalked her a bit.

I don't think the eighties and early nineties were very positive for girls. We were regularly felt up in clubs, older men saying inappropriate stuff from a young age... I think we probably grew up with no clue how to handle attention that was unwanted but combined with a sense of low self esteem, which meant we probably thought ok then, so we felt normal and accepted in some way. Never felt our parents looked out for us I don't think. We had seemingly nice homes but parents who didn't talk about things and didn't really take a lot of responsibility for us emotionally.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 21/04/2022 19:55

Considering he was pushy and manipulative, I wouldn't put too much weight on Marie giving him your number. He might have sneaked the book himself. Marie might have had the book out for another reason. He might have told her that you'd given him your number but he'd lost it, etc, etc.
Society, films, fairystories all have a lot to blame for girls thinking they don't have agency, and need to be grateful if anyone 'chooses' them. I re-evaluated so many teen relationships and friendships after I became a parent. I think your babies reflect back your own vulnerability and you realise everything you want to protect them from.

xsquared · 21/04/2022 20:01

Booboobagins · 21/04/2022 19:06

He was a young person with testosterone overload not a predator! 4 weeks before sex happened.

Show quote history

Don't minimise what he did. Not taking no for an answer and pressuring someone into doing something they don't want to is abusive and predatory behaviour.

@Goldgish I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

Do you think you could benefit from counselling?

LadyOfTheCanyon · 21/04/2022 20:06

@Windywuss

I think early sexual experiences are commonly like this for my age group (forties). I wasn't quite like this but my best friend was. She had at least two boyfriends she didn't fancy and dreads seeing them in our home town.

One was similarly thirty ish to her 17. No sex I don't think but certainly felt pushed into a relationship with him with parents enabling it.

Another fairly long term boyfriend, and I remember him being obsessed and when she finally did manage to end it, he stalked her a bit.

I don't think the eighties and early nineties were very positive for girls. We were regularly felt up in clubs, older men saying inappropriate stuff from a young age... I think we probably grew up with no clue how to handle attention that was unwanted but combined with a sense of low self esteem, which meant we probably thought ok then, so we felt normal and accepted in some way. Never felt our parents looked out for us I don't think. We had seemingly nice homes but parents who didn't talk about things and didn't really take a lot of responsibility for us emotionally.

This is incredibly spot on from my perspective as a teenager in the 80s.

My parents loved me dearly but they were the product of their own (1950s) backgrounds.

Original poster
Goldgish · 21/04/2022 20:14

Quite possibly he was just a horny and inexperienced teenager who didn't know how to establish a relationship with a female, rather than a predator. However he was incredibly persistent and not the last pushy man I was ever with. And yes, Marie is just a bit part actor in the whole story and maybe I just am just annoyed with myself. I'm quite possibly projecting a lot onto her. @xsquared I have had counselling in the past about some similar stuff and have learned some useful techniques that I'm going to apply to this situation. But I wanted to sound off first. Thank to everyone for listening.

OP posts:
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