Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Have you stopped contacting friends and realised you were keeping friendship going?

26 replies

Lovinglife45 · 20/04/2022 14:40

I have and though it feels a bit shit at first, I feel better in the long run. I am not willing to constantly be the instigator whether for me or for my children to meet with their children.

Two school mum friends - were happy to catch up when I contacted them. I mentioned meeting up and they left as is. I contacted them again and have left it - four months have passed.

Another friend happily responded to my "how are you" and "it would be nice to meet up" messages but never contacted me off of her own back. I ceased contacting her and over a year has passed.

OP posts:
Buzzer3555 · 20/04/2022 15:39

Yes I have had the same experience. I stopped contacting several 'friends" 5 months ago thinking I would just see how long it took them to contact me and I'm still waiting. Tbh I haven't missed them .

Pumperthepumper · 20/04/2022 15:41

No, I don’t think it’s in the spirit of friendships to carry out little secret loyalty tests. People are busy, sometimes people need someone else to make the dates, is it really a big deal?

BlueStarOnGrey · 20/04/2022 15:41

I think a lot of people are less sociable post-covid and less inclined to go out or fit as much in as before. I know I'm being lazy socially.

Chica10 · 20/04/2022 16:18

I don’t think OP was carrying out little secret loyalty tests. She just realised that her “friendships” were more one sided. Everyone is busy, it shouldn’t be just always one person doing the organising and contacting. Friendships are a 2 way street.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/04/2022 16:22

Agree. Friendships are it should be a two way street. Yes op, I’ve realised since covid, and hat people have been friends for what I could provide, not for who I am. So yes, I’ve let them slide and am honestly happier and freer for it. I don’t know if or when I will be bothered to try and make friends with people again.

nutbutter1 · 20/04/2022 16:22

Yes sadly

Pumperthepumper · 20/04/2022 16:39

No, the OP is assuming they’re one sided. People are busy! It’s so weird to think of friendships as some kind of competition of who’s doing all the work.

chisanunian · 20/04/2022 16:51

Yes, I had one friend I hadn't heard from in ages. It always tended to be me who contacted her, so I rang her up and said how are you, long time no see, how about going for a drink one evening. She responded by sayng yes, it was a long time since she'd heard from me, and weren't friends supposed to keep in touch with one another? Oh and by the way she was too busy to talk at the moment as she was getting ready to go out with some friends, and I must come along sometime.

Thanks for that. What was I supposed to do - keep ringing her up on the off-chance that either she wasn't busy, or to ask whether I could come out too play too?

That must be around 7 or 8 years ago now. I decided I'd had enough of making the effort, and that I'd wait to see if I ever heard from her, which I didn't. No loss.

Chilliandchocolate · 20/04/2022 16:57

In theory yes, friendship shouldn’t be one sided.

in practice I think this is a quick way to be lonely.

Malariahilaria · 20/04/2022 17:03

I have experienced this recently. I think covid restrictions, when it was 'pick your top 4 friends' made me realise that I wasn't in many people's top lists. No malice, I just wasn't a priority when push came to shove. There are a few friends I did the test with to see how long it takes for them to contact me as I was always the one suggesting we meet up. Some got in touch, some didn't and i haven't seen those that didn't for months now. It's actually simplified my social life to those who I think value me a little more.

Original poster
Lovinglife45 · 20/04/2022 17:04

pumper
I am not playing a competitive game. I simply stopped contacting friends and they in turn have not contacted me as I was the one constantly reaching out.

Yes, people are busy but never too busy to not reach out after months on end.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/04/2022 17:04

@Chilliandchocolate
there is a big difference in being alone and then there is being lonely. The two aren’t the same not necessarily experienced in tandem.
sometimes being in a one sided ‘friendship’ is a very lonely experience. Being alone however can be both enriching or lonely, dependant on the individual’s experience and preferences.

Pumperthepumper · 20/04/2022 17:12

Lovinglife45 · 20/04/2022 17:04

pumper
I am not playing a competitive game. I simply stopped contacting friends and they in turn have not contacted me as I was the one constantly reaching out.

Yes, people are busy but never too busy to not reach out after months on end.

So why do you think they haven’t messaged you? Do you think they were pretending to be your friend and are relived they no longer have to?

Chilliandchocolate · 20/04/2022 17:45

@Pumperthepumper try a little kindness

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 I do understand that and ultimately if the friendship is bringing you more stress and upset than happiness it isn’t worth it. I just know I have friends I like but are crap organisers. I do roll my eyes when I say brightly ‘so anyone fancy …’ but if I don’t I’ll be alone a lot so I grit my teeth and do it.

RedPanda901 · 20/04/2022 17:53

I agree OP. I have had friendships like this in the past where I always instigated contact. It's just nice if your friends sometimes contact you, even if you're known for being an organiser. I think if you don't bump into friends when out and about, and you live a fair distance away from each other, you do need to feel like you're both invested in keeping the friendship up otherwise it just becomes a chore.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/04/2022 18:04

@RedPanda901 spot on!
@Chilliandchocolate thats one of the problems isn’t it - being the organiser/go to person. No one will bother to ask that person if they want to do something/are ok/just make the first move! Plus they act all surprised and flustered if you do ask for help or say, no - for whatever perfectly valid reason! No one seems to want to be friends just to chat anymore. They all seem to want something. Very sad.

Salie68x · 20/04/2022 18:05

Yes, always feel I'm the one to contact friends. Think if I didn't no one would ever text me first. When I suggest meeting up they are generally quite keen. Get fed up sometimes. Often think ill just stop one day, and see if anyone reaches out.

Have already taken step back from friends. Before lockdown I always remembered birthdays, sent cards, celebrated occasions, hand held and was a shoulder to cry on, everyone's support system and did loads of favours. Sadly it was all one way.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment .

Original poster
Lovinglife45 · 20/04/2022 18:06

pumper
So why do you think they haven’t messaged you? Do you think they were pretending to be your friend and are relived they no longer have to?

I think they were not invested in the friendship so the fact that months and a year have passed, does not bother them. Of course if I rang tomorrow, they would sound pleased to hear from me but never enough to instigate.

OP posts:
Mamabananananana · 20/04/2022 18:12

Urgh! I think half of us are keeping the other half going!
i dont mess about now- i get rid of habitual " meme taggers" and " meet up soon" with no followups, that think thats a friendship.
And i dislike all this " selfcare means its ok to say no at a moments notice:ie be flaky". Imagine your friend really needed a chat/cheer up/laugh /human contact ?
I recently have let go a constant non replier and last minute canceller. Spents years being let down ( gave her a pass, as she had two small children and lives quite out of town ) but she let me down for the last time a few weeks ago.
cut out the deadwood

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 20/04/2022 18:13

I used to feel like you do OP and I've always been the main instigator. But I've changed my way of thinking in recent years.
I now think I'm a really proactive, organised and fairly confident person. I therefore have a skillset that means I WILL nsturally do more instigating.
As long as friends are always keen to hear from me and are receptive to my suggestions and invitations, and they are, I'm going to keep going. Because it's led to me having a very busy social life, whereas when I meet up with most friends they tell me they've barely seen anyone in months.

TheAirbender · 20/04/2022 18:18

Just to give another perspective on this issue. I have adhd and a) usually forget to respond messages b) quite often forget people entirely - even people I really like and have spent lots of time with and c) get v anxious at the idea of arranging get togethers.

I realise this is not always the case, but for a lot of neurodiverse people I know this will ring true.

Pumperthepumper · 20/04/2022 18:28

Lovinglife45 · 20/04/2022 18:06

pumper
So why do you think they haven’t messaged you? Do you think they were pretending to be your friend and are relived they no longer have to?

I think they were not invested in the friendship so the fact that months and a year have passed, does not bother them. Of course if I rang tomorrow, they would sound pleased to hear from me but never enough to instigate.

Rather than just being busy?

OverByYer · 20/04/2022 18:32

I am part of a group of 4 that socialise and go away. One of the group never instigates/ organises or invites anyone over. It’s really starting to grate. I have stopped posting in our what’s app group and haven’t heard from said friend in quite some time.
she claims to be ‘dizzy’ and the rest of us enable that I know, but it’s wearing thin.

Rosegardenpinks · 20/04/2022 18:44

I think I know how you feel OP. I am usually the person who makes contact. Partly I think it's because I am single so I'm more likely to seek out company than my friends who are married or in relationships. Also I think I have a smaller number of friends than some so I'm more likely to make contact; they have a bigger place in my life than I do in theirs. Doesn't mean they don't like time with me or enjoy meeting up.
Also I enjoy doing things. I'm generally more likely to come to with a plan than most people. I like being busy.
Maybe I'm kidding myself but for these reasons I don't feel bad that it's usually me to instigate contact. On a simple level, I feel like I have a lovely time with friends when we do meet up. It doesn't feel like they don't want to be there.

Nesbo · 20/04/2022 18:58

I know how you feel Op.

Once a few months have passed “just being busy” is a shit excuse. It means literally everything else that happened during that time was considered a higher priority by them than just getting in touch (and you can be sure that will include stuff like mindlessly scrolling social media).