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Original poster

My friend doesn't discipline her 3 year old at all

34 replies

Spiderwomannow · 19/04/2022 20:58

The title isn't the problem, I'm not saying all children need discipline..

My mum friend and I often meet up for play dates, our children are 3 yrs old.
Her child gets very excitable and shouts a lot. He comes up to my DS face and shouts, then when my ds doesn't react it tends to lead to him either hitting, snatching something off my ds or trying to bite him!

Today all these things happened when we went to her house. My ds ended up in tears and we left soon after. My friend didn't tell her ds off, all she kept doing what repeating his name loudly then pulling him to her and giving him a kiss.

She believes in gentle parenting and not disciplining but in turn he's not understands right from wrong.

I've noticed this before but it was much worse today, needless to say we won't be going to her house again anytime soon but I'd still like us to meet for play dates however I'd like advice on how to handle this if / when it happens again.

What do I say to my ds when the other kid does this? Do I say anything to the other kid? Do I say anything to his mum?
What would you do?

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 19/04/2022 21:02

I’d keep away from her. She won’t appreciate you advising her if she has decided that “gentle parenting” means just hugs and kisses as the response no matter what. He will end up learning the hard way as children will keep away from him out of choice.

IDontDrinkTea · 19/04/2022 21:04

Gentle parenting isn’t doing nothing: a response of “no, we don’t bite. It’s ok to feel frustrated but it’s not ok to bite. I am going to move you away from x so that we can keep everyone safe” is a more appropriate response in terms of ‘proper’ gentle parenting.

UpYourBumHun · 19/04/2022 21:04

Why meet with the children if your child gets no enjoyment out of it?

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Logoplanter · 19/04/2022 21:04

I'd meet up with her without your children being present. I couldn't put up with that, I'd be on edge the entire time so if I wanted to retain the friendship I'd see her on her own.

Sorry, that's not particularly helpful..

Hugasauras · 19/04/2022 21:06

Well, gentle parenting doesn't = letting your child do what you want. So she's permissive parenting at best (ie. barely parenting at all).

You're right to avoid spending time with them, I think. Personally, I would have no qualms in stepping in and saying something if someone was sitting by watching their child hurting mine without intervening (and I sometimes do at soft play etc when parents aren't watching or immediately visible). Even just 'DS doesn't like it when you hit him, and if it carries on we will have to go play somewhere else.' or something.

duvetdayforeveryone · 19/04/2022 21:08

Do not force your DC to play with that child again. It is cruel considering your DC keeps getting hurt/upset.

Emelene · 19/04/2022 21:11

Honestly I had a friend like this and now don’t see her as her DS kept trying to kick my 3yo DD with barely any telling off. It happened more than once, my daughter was frightened and I won’t put her through that. So we’ve lost touch. I really like the mum but don’t want to expose my daughter to repeatedly being hurt.

gamerchick · 19/04/2022 21:12

Meet up without the kids if you want to keep her as a friend. She's a permissive lazy parent. Gentle parenting still needs to actually parent. She isn't and that's bad news with a biter

collieresponder88 · 19/04/2022 21:13

I would say in a firm voice Charlie doesn't like that you are making him sad look. It's a shame when parents don't correct this sort of behaviour because people won't want to play with him anymore it's not fair on the child it's the parents fault.

bakewellbride · 19/04/2022 21:14

I've been in your shoes twice op. Each time I ended the friendship and cut contact. I see it as protecting my son and he has plenty of friends who are kind to him.

RoseslnTheHospital · 19/04/2022 21:16

As others have said, she has misunderstood what gentle parenting is about.

If she isn't going to intervene to prevent your child being hurt or upset then you can't have play dates together. It would be very difficult to intervene yourself if she isn't, and you will probably upset or anger her if you do so. Same if you try to discuss her parenting with her.

If you want to continue with the friendship, then meet up as adults only if you can.

RedWingBoots · 19/04/2022 21:17

End the friendship.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 19/04/2022 21:32

I'm terrible - I just tell off other people's kids if they're being out of order. Not in a loud angry way, but just clearly telling them what behaviour they need to stop and what I'd like them to do instead. I'm also fine if someone does the same with DD. I've never once had anyone visibly annoyed with me about it. Maybe I'll run out of luck eventually.

Whooshaagh · 19/04/2022 21:41

Why do you want to meet for play dates?
If someone forced you to meet up with another adult who verbally and physically abused you would you enjoy the ‘date?’
Find a friend for your dc whose parent understands age appropriate ways to stop their dc from hitting.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 19/04/2022 21:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Rinatinabina · 19/04/2022 21:44

@IDontDrinkTea

Gentle parenting isn’t doing nothing: a response of “no, we don’t bite. It’s ok to feel frustrated but it’s not ok to bite. I am going to move you away from x so that we can keep everyone safe” is a more appropriate response in terms of ‘proper’ gentle parenting.
This, she’s basically just not parenting
Rinatinabina · 19/04/2022 21:45

Also I absolutely would not expose DD to that.

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 19/04/2022 21:47

You cannot tell someone else how to parent. Well, you can, but it won’t end well.

Stop the playdates.

jealousgirl · 19/04/2022 21:47

Gentle parenting would result in the situation being managed. That's passive or neglectful.

doggiescats · 19/04/2022 21:51

I would just speak to your friend and tell her that you are going to have to avoid play dates because of her child’s bad behaviour!

pedropony76 · 19/04/2022 22:06

@CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory

I'm terrible - I just tell off other people's kids if they're being out of order. Not in a loud angry way, but just clearly telling them what behaviour they need to stop and what I'd like them to do instead. I'm also fine if someone does the same with DD. I've never once had anyone visibly annoyed with me about it. Maybe I'll run out of luck eventually.
This is also me.

I’m quick to say, ‘no we don’t hit/bite’ or ‘do you want to play with him/her? Then you need to ask nicely’ etc. I wouldn’t be saying nothing if someone was trying to hit my DD. Not sure what’s up with the parent, sounds like she’s got her head in the clouds

AskingforaBaskin · 19/04/2022 22:14

That is passive parenting not gentle.
If he is hurting your son then correct him. Pick your son up get down to his level and sternly tell him not to do that again.

Maydaysoonenough · 19/04/2022 22:17

Ime you are correct in preventing your dc being hurt or miserable when meet ups are supposed to be fun! Never had an issue telling off someone else's dc if their dp won't! !! If she says anything about her dc not getting told off you say your dc doesn't get bullied.

Parentcarerandcrazy · 19/04/2022 22:19

@collieresponder88

I would say in a firm voice Charlie doesn't like that you are making him sad look. It's a shame when parents don't correct this sort of behaviour because people won't want to play with him anymore it's not fair on the child it's the parents fault.
I would also do that. In fairness, I have no qualms with telling off other people's kids suggesting loudly to kids that their behaviour is not appropriate because it's hurting someone / it's damaging something etc, if their parents aren't doing so due to not noticing / not being present / not paying attention. I actually raised my voice at a kid at soft play once for dragging a boy across the floor by his hair.

I have an ongoing issue with a friend's 5yo who is bothering my 6yo at an outside of school class they do together. My DS has ASD, friends kid has no diagnosis but I really do have strong suspicions that he is also on the spectrum. He will pull at my DS's clothing, lie on him if he's sitting down etc. It does DS's head in but he doesn't know how to stop him doing it so we have worked it out between us that if I spot other kid doing it, I'll say 'Ahh, you okay, DS? Do you mind 'other kid' doing that?' while I smile sweetly. DS will shake his head and then that prompts my friend to then parent her child appropriately without me having to tell her to do so or cause any awkward situations between us 🤣

NotNowBoris · 19/04/2022 22:25

Sounds like this friendship is doomed really so you may as well be honest with her. I'd tell her as much as I enjoy meeting up, my DS is not enjoying time with her son due to all the aggression that's going unchecked so unless she is willing to try and correct that behaviour, you aren't going to put your own son through it.

3 seems a bit old for that sort of behaviour though to me. Sounds more like a younger toddler shrieking and biting. Maybe there is more going on with her son than she is letting on.