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Original poster

My friend doesn't discipline her 3 year old at all

34 replies

Spiderwomannow · 19/04/2022 20:58

The title isn't the problem, I'm not saying all children need discipline..

My mum friend and I often meet up for play dates, our children are 3 yrs old.
Her child gets very excitable and shouts a lot. He comes up to my DS face and shouts, then when my ds doesn't react it tends to lead to him either hitting, snatching something off my ds or trying to bite him!

Today all these things happened when we went to her house. My ds ended up in tears and we left soon after. My friend didn't tell her ds off, all she kept doing what repeating his name loudly then pulling him to her and giving him a kiss.

She believes in gentle parenting and not disciplining but in turn he's not understands right from wrong.

I've noticed this before but it was much worse today, needless to say we won't be going to her house again anytime soon but I'd still like us to meet for play dates however I'd like advice on how to handle this if / when it happens again.

What do I say to my ds when the other kid does this? Do I say anything to the other kid? Do I say anything to his mum?
What would you do?

OP posts:

NCstrugglingwithtwo · 19/04/2022 22:28

Glad so many have said it: gentle parenting isn't permissive parenting. Is she a good friend? If so, I'd try to talk to her about it.

Tabitha789 · 19/04/2022 22:40

Sounds like she's got gentle parenting mixed up with letting him get away with everything..... not impressive

Triffid1 · 20/04/2022 08:52

If you want to maintain the friendship, avoid doing things with her with your DC. At most, agree to trip to the park etc where it's relatively easy to remove your child/redirect the other child.

But this won't get better. We had to promise DD that a child who was similar would not be allowed to get away with it. So when it happened again, we got up and left. The other family were outraged, thought we were being precious etc. But we felt strongly that we had to teach DD that she doesn't have to put up with being hurt by someone else. And the child in that situation.... hasn't done it since.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families

Mumoblue · 20/04/2022 08:57

That’s not gentle parenting.
Has she actually said that’s what she’s trying to do? If so, you need to have a conversation about it. Gentle parenting is not “no consequences” parenting.

I’d just say that there needs to be some boundaries around his behaviour with your son. That’s perfectly reasonable.

SecretVictoria · 20/04/2022 10:57

My story won’t be popular on here. However, when I was at play school (early 1980s), there was a boy who would steal the girls sweetie bracelets and push them over, staff used to discipline but he’d behave for a while then back to doing the same. My dad told me next time he did something to me physically to hit him back. I did and he didn’t touch me again.

Thestagshead · 20/04/2022 11:04

You can’t discipline her child. And you can’t tell her how to. She’s fully aware of what he’s doing and finds her way the best. So you need to not have play dates.

Cryingintherain99 · 20/04/2022 11:36

I would say as he's 3 there is a chance he could have developmental delay.
It is likely that she is going through assessments with him and if that's the case she will be going through all sorts of mixed emotions.
I have been through it myself and it was heartbreaking.
I didn't tell any of my friends until several months after the diagnosis as I was struggling to come to terms with it myself and was still in denial.
I avoided meeting up with friends as it was quite obvious that the gap between him and their children was widening rapidly. It also used to upset me when he pulled other children's hair. I would just remove him from the situation while feeling mortified, which sounds like what your friend is doing.
She is calling him over to get him away from your child/ distract him from doing what he is doing.
Obviously I don't know your friend and have no idea if this is the case.
I can only go by my own experience and how I felt at that time.
If you stick around she may confide in you.

Musomama1 · 20/04/2022 11:51

Oh no. I'm sorry for your situation, you invest in a friendship and u are able to meet up and yet her DC is upsetting your child and getting no consequences or even a telling off.

Had something similar, you have to just not see her with your children, maybe when her DC has matured in time to come...

But at the moment he has no idea he is doing anything wrong so he won't change, you could always try telling him off as a last try and see how that goes?

pictish · 20/04/2022 11:58

I have a friend much the same. My solution is to only meet up with her with her little one in cafes and so on, so I’m not trapped in a house with it. He rules the roost and each tantrum over not getting his own way is met with “shh shh it’s okay” kiss kiss. Jeezo fuck off.
I don’t have a tot he can ramraid through but our friend does and she has likewise had enough of the airy fairy parenting. We both love our pal so I advised same…kiddy meet ups in public places with a time limit. Cafes, parks, out for a walk. Any where you can get space and extricate yourself easily.

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