How to deal with whiffy 13 year old DD when ex is not helpful

[LazyMareofEastown]

We do 50/50 care. DD has just properly started to develop and she is prone to BO despite using proper deodorant.

DD has a shower most days she's at mine and a pirate wash the others (she has long very thick hair which takes forever to dry so not realistic to wash and dry every single day). This is down to me, I stick the shower on and hand her towels. Breezy but non-negotiable. Once in she takes ages and enjoys doing masks/skincare so the urge to take part on self-care is there I think but she's also lazy and if left to her own devices/not reminded she won't be forthcoming.

My issue is that Ex (who is also quite stinky) either doesn't realise that DD whiffs or doesn't think its an issue. If I don't message DD to tell her to shower at her dads he is unlikely to suggest it. I popped round on Easter Sunday and they had been trampolining the day before (I saw photos, a lot of sweat involved) but DD hadn't had a shower once they got home or even the following morning. Her hair was visibly greasy and she didn't smell great.

Another example, if I don't remind by text on the day she has PE and is at her dads, she will often not have a shower. He also thinks it's ok to rewear yesterday's school blouses (the armpits of which are absolutely humming by the end of day one).

I know the responsibility lays with DD (and I believe it will come in time) but ultimately we're her parents and should be teaching her the life skills she needs to be a functioning adult human. Instead, Ex gets snotty with me and makes me feel that I'm being mean to DD or am shaming her (which of course I'm not and I would never be unkind to her about it).

I am worried that other kids might be unkind to her at school if she doesn't get a handle on this. DD is quite alternative, not a girly girl and doesn't care about boys so that motivation within herself isn't there. She is also quite feminist and has chosen to not shave her armpits (I have zero issue with this, her body her choice) but basic cleanliness surely is not covered by the same mantra?!

I'm also concerned about what will happen once she starts her period which I think will be soon based on recent changes.

Context: am not a MN competitive cleanliness person by any stretch. My bedding has currently been on for two weeks and there have been 2 books on my stairs for about a month.

Advice please!

I don't want to make DD feel embarrassed or self-conscious but really need Ex to work with me on this so that the message is consistent and the habit gets properly established regardless of whose house she is at.

As her dad smells whiffy you can't expect him to be up on her personal hygiene.

You need to buy her a shower cap for her hair. They sell them in Superdrugs, Boots and supermarkets.

Then tell her to shower to take a 4-5 minute every day using the shower cap for the days she isn't washing her hair. (Get a timer.)

Decide whether she is going to have her showers in the morning or evening, and get her to have a daily routine.

It only differs that on some days she washes her hair and on other days she doesn't.

Then you need to tell her when she goes to visit and stay with people it is expected she takes a short shower every day as stale sweat is not a pleasant smell. Then ensure she changes her top, underwear and socks especially in summer.

Your ex needs to step up, you’re quite right. While your daughter is perfectly old enough to know that she needs to wash daily, if she’s not doing it then she needs to be prompted. Could you tell him that you want her to get in the habit of showering (or at least washing properly) daily in preparation for her starting her periods? I would also directly tell your daughter that she needs to wear a clean shirt every day or it will smell. That seems gentler than telling her that she will smell!

As cruel as it sounds, I imagine it will only take one comment from her peers before she becomes a bit more proactive in staying clean. I’m not condoning unpleasantness (and I realise there are people who have little choice due to various reasons) but it’s not nice for others to have to sit next to someone who smells and it will be mentioned.

Had similar with my 13 year old, a friend of mine suggested using nuud deodorant.

nuudcare.co.uk/pages/i-want-nuud?gclid=CjwKCAjwu_mSBhAYEiwA5BBmf7a_PaSvxC2MDmMdebrxYIS1FwLZG2RA0LReUBWnXHchBYMriM3YmxoCzyAQAvD_BwE

It was expensive, but you only use a very small amount and has worked wonders - odour completely eradicated!

Just to add, that is as well as (not instead of!) talking with her about hygiene and regular showers - also using a shower cap for days she isn’t washing her hair.

I too was worried about peers at school as on warm days I knew she had showered and put on clean clothes etc but still had a slight odour - I really can’t recommend nuud enough. We were getting into a situation where she was getting upset with me for (as sensitively as I could!) asking if she had showered/changed and her being embarrassed.

We have a rule that armpits need to be washed every day with soap (much better than shower gel for combatting wiffiness). This can be at the sink sometimes if they can’t face wet hair.
Every day. Plus clean shirt as you say.
Not sure what to suggest re ex. Except same rule. Armpits every day. Sounds like he could live by that too.
My sympathies OP. It’s a hard phase to navigate with teens that are comfy being grungy/not that worried by what others might think without throwing exH in the mix.

I had a battle in this department too. I started out gently and got nowhere she just doesn't care that much. I then resorted to checking after every single shower that had actually washed herself properly, I would then make sure she put deo on and would stand there until she had done so, and then again in the mornings on repeat day after day.

I explained about bullying can start from things like this, and how unkind some people will be if it continues. She understood but didn't care very much. I have had to do this for over a year.

Now, she is the opposite at 14, in the shower twice a day, lashing of sickly perfume and is squeaky clean, shaves and is really into hair masks and caring for herself.

I am glad I enforced the hygiene routines, she has sinced been diagnosed with ADD so this is why (not suggesting your dd will be the same) and she was rushing and not concentrating on doing things properly. Sometimes we do need to be firm. I have red lines, and that was one of them!

Thanks all.

Good to know its not just me fighting this particular battle.

Have just bought the Nuud stuff cornflakes, definitely worth a try. You don't work for them do you?! 🤣

I get on very well with Ex and we do pull together on almost everything kid related but this issue is a real bugbear for me.

Have you actually explained to her that if she does t wash she smells ?

I'd honestly never heard of a pirate wash until this thread!

What is a pirate wash?!

She's old enough for you to be very straight with her. When I was about her age my Mum said to me 'if you smell, nobody will tell you, but they will tell other people' and that stuck with me forever more!

@LazyMareofEastown

No, I don’t 🤣 but I’ve recommended it to so many of my friends, I think I should be getting some sort of commission!! Hope it helps your situation

Yes to shower cap and the other useful suggestions.

Also am always going to use the words "Pirate wash" from now on!

We buy Trust from Boots (recommended by someone on here) which lasts 3 -5 days. My stinky husband swears by it anyway and it works on DS when other ones didn't.

@womaniswomaniswoman

What is a pirate wash?!

She's old enough for you to be very straight with her. When I was about her age my Mum said to me 'if you smell, nobody will tell you, but they will tell other people' and that stuck with me forever more!

I agree, she is old enough to be told she smells and needs to shower daily.

I think also making it an unvarying part of her morning routine helps - eg wake up, loo shower and teeth before breakfast and then school - especially on school days. With her always up in enough time so that there isn’t any “oh it’s too late this morning”. Make it “her” bathroom slot so it becomes a habit she doesn’t have to think about. Have butterfly clips on the bathroom near the shower/bath so she can clip her hair up to shower, and nice soap.

Also make it possible for her to do it - like making sure the bathroom’s definitely clear during “her” slot so that no-one else is popping in it and sabotaging her routine. (My dad used to always go in the shower for ages, and not leave enough time for us - then he’d moan we weren’t ready for school on time, for example!)

At 13 she really is too old for this to be anyone else’s responsibility. I get that you’re worried about classmates commenting etc but come on, she’s choosing this. I think at this stage I’d be very direct with her when she smells and point out that whether she cares or not, it’s actually really unpleasant for people who have no choice but to share a space with her so she needs to get in the bloody shower right now!

I certainly wouldn’t be turning on the shower and handing her towels but if she carries on I would perhaps connect this to eg pocket money/Wi-Fi access.

If she’s happy to go from her dads to school smelling unwashed then she has to accept the consequence may be an embarrassing chat with a teacher or classmates telling her bluntly that she smells bad.

It’s annoying that ex won’t step up for his dds sake (a good friend has the exact same issue with her 10 year old dd) but once you’ve provided appropriate toiletries and enough clean changes of clothes there’s not much more you can do.

I took a a similar tactic to @AbsolutelyNebulous . I told my dd that she needed to shower so that the people she sat next to in school didn't have to deal with the smell. And that I didn't want people judging me because she was a stinker.

I also discourage long hair if they can't be arsed to look after it.

I've got enough of a mental load without having to remind teenagers to have a shower.

@womaniswomaniswoman

What is a pirate wash?!

She's old enough for you to be very straight with her. When I was about her age my Mum said to me 'if you smell, nobody will tell you, but they will tell other people' and that stuck with me forever more!

Oh god, don't phrase it like this, that is brutal. You just need to find a way to tell her directly and then when she stops smelling you need to acknowledge that too. Just so you are acknowledging both states. Don't tell her that other people will talk about her behind her back tho, that sounds like a recipe for paranoia

It is quite brutal but a) it's true and b) it worked.

A teenager who is too lazy to clean themselves needs a harsh truth told to them IME.

I have spoken to DD about it but more in a casual way than a 'sitting her down and telling her she stinks and people will talk about her behind her back' way. I was hoping to avoid such a conversation by just getting on with making showering a standard part of the day. Maybe I need to be a bit more blunt but am scared of making her feel ashamed I guess (likely overcompensating for my own childhood with emotionally cold and often cruel mother who I couldn't even tell when I got my period and kept it secret for two years instead).

Have bought her loads of deos/body sprays and she has her own drawer in the bathroom with loads of nice shower things to use.

DD has been mentioning a haircut for a while now. Think that would help make her more amenable to showers but will also stock up on shower caps.

Oh and the reason I turn the shower on for her is because we have an old and very temperamental shower and if it's not turned on in exactly the right way it will be too cold and the pressure too high. I turn it on for (non-resident) DP as well .

I think tip toeing doesn't help if you have a dd that cares very little about other people's sensitivities to smell and the nice way doesn't work. Just be honest - she is 13 she can take it, and you are not being cruel, you are being kind. Being the kid that stinks is no fun and will single her out for mistreatment at school potentially, or teachers will be noting that she 'appears' unwashed and neglected and will start looking for other signs that dd isn't being well cared for at home.

I would be telling ex in no uncertain terms that you will not be dealing with a SS fall out if he keeps failing her on this front, and clean clothes etc etc. It is not okay.

I am sorry you had a cruel mother, but letting this continue will be worse than a touch of embarrassment.

It's really hard because you don't want to make them feel insecure.

I had a conversation and shopping trip with my sons just prior to this age. I told them that most people will smell when they start puberty and we need to make sure they had a good routine.

So they each picked what timing/method/products they wanted, and agreed that I'd remind them when needed.

I said that there would probably be people in school who did smell and that they were never to mention it and must be respectful ( this went along side a conversation on what they could do if they noticed a girl had leaked on her period).

I tried to keep it general, that many people could smell, have spots and greasy hair etc. also that some people couldn't help it even with a good routine.

My parents never made sure I was clean and presentable, that I had deodorant or sanitary products or brushed my hair and teeth. So I want to support my children but am really mindful not to go crazy in the other direction!

@womaniswomaniswoman

What is a pirate wash?!

She's old enough for you to be very straight with her. When I was about her age my Mum said to me 'if you smell, nobody will tell you, but they will tell other people' and that stuck with me forever more!

Ohh, this is so true! Apart from the odd person who will actually say it to someone’s face

I had a friend at sixth form who had a bad body odour. I eventually mentioned it to another mutual friend (to see if I was overreacting and also to see if she thought we should gently say anything) and she confirmed that he did smell bad. We knew it wasn’t through lack of clean clothes, hot water etc, but neither of us could face saying anything to him though, not even nicely.

One day someone else said something to him directly. They did not say it nicely

Lots of teens stink... I dont' think they much mind each other whiffing. It's their normal. Dont' focus on the exH, just gently encourage teen into a good routine.

ps: and I'm not adverse to direct statements. I factually told teen DS he needed a shower this afternoon. No stigma. I pointed out the need & opportunity, he agreed & showered. Done.