How to deal with whiffy 13 year old DD when ex is not helpful

[LazyMareofEastown]

We do 50/50 care. DD has just properly started to develop and she is prone to BO despite using proper deodorant.

DD has a shower most days she's at mine and a pirate wash the others (she has long very thick hair which takes forever to dry so not realistic to wash and dry every single day). This is down to me, I stick the shower on and hand her towels. Breezy but non-negotiable. Once in she takes ages and enjoys doing masks/skincare so the urge to take part on self-care is there I think but she's also lazy and if left to her own devices/not reminded she won't be forthcoming.

My issue is that Ex (who is also quite stinky) either doesn't realise that DD whiffs or doesn't think its an issue. If I don't message DD to tell her to shower at her dads he is unlikely to suggest it. I popped round on Easter Sunday and they had been trampolining the day before (I saw photos, a lot of sweat involved) but DD hadn't had a shower once they got home or even the following morning. Her hair was visibly greasy and she didn't smell great.

Another example, if I don't remind by text on the day she has PE and is at her dads, she will often not have a shower. He also thinks it's ok to rewear yesterday's school blouses (the armpits of which are absolutely humming by the end of day one).

I know the responsibility lays with DD (and I believe it will come in time) but ultimately we're her parents and should be teaching her the life skills she needs to be a functioning adult human. Instead, Ex gets snotty with me and makes me feel that I'm being mean to DD or am shaming her (which of course I'm not and I would never be unkind to her about it).

I am worried that other kids might be unkind to her at school if she doesn't get a handle on this. DD is quite alternative, not a girly girl and doesn't care about boys so that motivation within herself isn't there. She is also quite feminist and has chosen to not shave her armpits (I have zero issue with this, her body her choice) but basic cleanliness surely is not covered by the same mantra?!

I'm also concerned about what will happen once she starts her period which I think will be soon based on recent changes.

Context: am not a MN competitive cleanliness person by any stretch. My bedding has currently been on for two weeks and there have been 2 books on my stairs for about a month.

Advice please!

I don't want to make DD feel embarrassed or self-conscious but really need Ex to work with me on this so that the message is consistent and the habit gets properly established regardless of whose house she is at.

I was quite blunt with my teens. I told them that no one ever forgets the name of the child who smells. Even my octogenarian parents can remember the poor sods who didn't smell great. I also took the pressure off them by telling them they were free to wallow in their filth on days they weren't leaving the house.
By blunt I mean 'you stink'

My first thought is, what is the bathroom situation like at her Dad’s? Lock on door? Nice towels? Is it clean? I remember staying at a relatives house once as a teen, it was awful. Door never locked, the towels were minging and the old electric shower just trickled. I used it once.
If she’s already reluctant, then if there are issues with the bathroom itself, that wont help either.

If her hair makes showers tricky (and 10y old DD's hair is down past her bum, so I fully understand this), might she prefer having a bath?

I would sit down with her and have a gentle but factual conversation with her about her body changing and all the things that entails. I would place emphasis on a daily wash being non negotiable and has to become part of her routine. Just like brushing her teeth. I would also ask if there’s anything she wanted from me … some new toiletries etc? Then I would try and make it part of her new routine … up out of bed and hop in the shower. You could even set a timer for 2 mins to show her how quick it can be.

Gosh your all so kind! With dd I walked past her with spray or wash away I don't care which with my son I tell him to destink those boy pits or I'm opening the window but ds is just as blunt with me tbf I asked him one day if I smelt (I had covid) he said yes worse than me mum GO GET THE SOAP!

DS is 13 and I don't even bother with tactfully telling him now.

He has been told every day has a bath or shower - take care to wash his pits, bits, hair and neck properly..
Deoderant AM and PM
Teeth at least twice a day
He has 5 school shirts and knows a new one is to be worn daily.
Socks must not be worn twice in a row
Blazer must be put in for a wash every Friday.
Bed folded back to air off and window open while he's pottering about in his room
Washing to be put in basket daily
Room to be hoovered and cleaned once a week
Any plates, cups etc to be removed daily

I've told him I refuse to be the parent of a smelly teen and he is told (usually after football) son you stink get a wash. He takes it well usually and doesn't care.

I’m very blunt with my Dd. She has to be aware of when she is starting to smell. She’s very good at washing but still a bit forgetful with the deodorant.
I (and her) would much rather it was me pointing out the smell than a girl at school.
And yes to a shower cap with daily showers. Only needs to take 2 minutes.

Also reminders on her phone?? Set for the same time every day?

I would be straight with her and him. Everyone remembers the smelly kid at school. I do nearly 40 years later!

It is a life skill and she must wash.

I told dd (ASD) that she was smelly and had to shower.

Would second shower cap for long hair.

My granny called it a whore’s lick. Pirate wash is much nicer 😂

We had this same problem with DSD - her mother wasnt making sure she washed every day, so she would come to us absolutely stinking of BO.

Her Dad had to kindly but very clearly tell her that she smelled of BO, and that people around her were able to smell it. He told her that she absolutely had to have a shower every morning - it was not negotiable. Also non- negotiable was needing a clean T shirt every day .

I think the mistake you're making OP is not having a hard and fast 'shower every day' rule - so she thinks it's ok to sometimes not bother, which will then extend over to when she's with her Dad. She's getting mixed messages - you need to be very clear with no grey areas.

And oh yes - I can still remember the smelly kids at school, and how their BO would be all pervasive. Teen BO is something else!

We used to call it a gypsy wash face hands and "unmentionables"

Oh my god we have the same child down to the 'but I've gym, why do I need a shower?!' Hilarious thing is we can't get him out once hes in!! I also have to nag him to wash properly, it's like he just stands under the water. I have no answers, we've had so many variations of the same talk and nothing works

Someone said to the class once "ewww I'm not coming round your house X if this is how the bacon smells" and I realised they were taking the piss out of someone. I showered every day after that.

I think you can say that about now it's normal to start to get BO and that's why it's important to shower otherwise you'll smell.

But what is piratical about washing yourself??

I NEED TO KNOW.

Side note, piratical is my very favourite word

It is a great word.
I’m guessing pirates didn’t have a bath or a shower so would have strip washed using a bucket or jug?

We call it pits and bits. Pirate's wash is much more exciting!

I'd tell her she has to wear a clean shirt to school every day. If it's up to your ex to supply that when she's staying with him, then she needs to ask.

She's at the age where she needs to start taking responsibility for being clean. That said,I've just forced a smelly teen to have a bath after PE

Try Mitchum deodorant it's the best I've found. Also keep in mind if she's showering a lot and still smells it could a medical thing, I know someone no matter what he did he stunk of BO. He got the piss took out of him but he did everything he could to try and smell better...

Just a word of warning - if you get your daughter to use a deodorant antiperspirant like Mitchum she may find she sweats a lot else where. I found out the hard way in my 20s.😳

It is far better than she learns to wash her pits and bits daily.

@HannahDefoesTrenchcoat is bang on Soap is really key for pits. Shower gel is bloody crap. Proper soap helped so much with our whiffy DD2.

I’m confused about why she can’t have a shower without washing her hair? I only wash my hair once a week (middle aged hair doesn’t need daily washing!) but I shower every day. I just tie it up in a folded over ponytail or use one of those claw clip things. DD15 has long hair and washes it maybe 2-3 times a week. She puts it into a top knot when she showers. It’s really not difficult. I do think this will make the message clearer - shower every day.

DD really needed to be reminded up to the age of 13 or so but at some point she just started showering every day and never needs reminding.

@Remaker some showers are designed so however you use them your hair gets wet. The way around it is to use a shower cap.

I had this. I didn’t really do much than buy a huge selection of deodorant- roll on, spray, stick etc so she could “try them all and let me know which one she likes best so I can add it to the shop”, and when she was noticeably whiffy tell her she could do with a shower.

a couple of years down the line and the hormones seem to have settled- she’s on school hols atm and hasn’t had a shower for 3 days as she isn’t going anywhere, and doesn’t smell, even up close. She doesn’t leave the house without a shower now though.