My DD(17) is being frozen out by passive/aggressive ‘friend’. Prom is the only thing keeping her in school for her exams but how can she go?

[Kesorrmumof2]

I am so hurting for my dd. I know she’s not perfect but what kid is really and she really doesn’t deserve what’s being done to her.

She’s always had a rocky time in school, struggled with friends in primary and secondary. She settled and made some friends in secondary but they’re not close, don’t really see each other out of school. She has closer friends made through her drama activities.

She and her school ‘bestie’ have really not been close at all this last year, but they are part of a small group of girls. They have ‘leavers day’ on Friday, Prom in June and tickets for Leeds Festival instead of a 6th year holiday abroad. The ‘bestie’ will stop talking on social media days or weeks even at whatever actual or perceived issue takes her mood but dd has put up with it for the sake of the 6th year experience of leavers day and prom. I wasn’t thrilled when they got tickets for Leeds as I had concerns about her personal safety and the group ostracising her if ‘bestie’ took the huff at the festival. Still she gave ‘bestie’ the money, tickets were bought and accommodation booked for 4 of them to go together. Accommodation is pay on arrival.

‘Bestie’ got a blue prom dress early doors. Lots of other girls in the year also got blue dresses. DD, gran and I went prom dress shopping in January and stayed away from anything blue, red and I think green as those colours were already ‘taken’ in their small group. Saw a blue dress that was so very different that it was always going to be a ‘marmite’ dress (she would either love it or hate it when she tried it on). The whole shop stopped dead when she came out of the fitting room. It was utterly stunning and she fell in love with it. Sent a picture to ‘bestie’ and got the answer - I would rather you stay away from blue. At least 12 other girls have a similar shade of blue to ‘bestie’. She didn’t get it. She did find another dress that she loves in a colour that doesn’t conflict and that stands out from the crowd, ironically in the same shop where ‘bestie’ got her dress. Still, the huff was real for a while.

Unlike ‘bestie’ dd has never really had a boyfriend and ‘bestie’ calls her gay all the time. It was a joke when they were younger but is frequently followed or preceded by a reference to dd not having a boyfriend and dd is quite fed up with it now especially as she has seen ill treatment of some of her theatre friends by people who are intolerant of their identity.

A couple of weekends back another girl had some friends round at the weekend. All of dd’s friend group were included except dd who isn’t particularly friends with the girl. The group kept it a secret before and after the event which was short notice. DD knew about it anyway as the girl had included boys not from school that dd knows through another friend group and they spoke with her about it after the event. She wasn’t bothered about not being included but she was hurt that they felt the need to be secretive about it. I would say the group were a little uncomfortable when they realised she knew.

A few days after the party she left school early to record an audition tape that had to be submitted. She was on her room when one of the group posted on the festival chat -
Don’t bother coming to Leeds (name) lol xx

She was understandably confused and queried this -
Where do I begin
Everything

followed by a list of complaints and accusations ranging from referring to them as her ‘school friends’ to complaining about things that she has indeed said, but taken out of context and twisted, to her having walked out of school that day.

‘Bestie’ insisted she couldn’t transfer the festival ticket as the option was not available (bought through Ticketmaster) and she didn’t have the money to give her for it. Dd insisted that she get the ticket or the money for it as the group had decided to kick her off the trip.

Dd was determined she was leaving school there and then as she has accepted an offer for a Drama course and doesn’t need the exams she’s due to take. She couldn’t face going into school and having no one to talk with or sit with. I spoke with the head of senior school and it was agreed that for the sake of 7 school days dd would only attend school for the classes of the 2 exams she is sitting Highers for. I asked the school not to speak with the girls as it would only exacerbate things, however, I tried to speak to the ‘besties’ mum to ask her to ensure dd got her money or her ticket but that did not go down well at all.

Dd was distraught about prom as she has no one else to go with but I encouraged her to keep planning for it as it’s not a done deal till after prom has passed. She reached out on the festival chat on Wednesday to apologise for anything she has said that has offended, upset or hurt any of them, that they all know her well enough to know she would never intentionally say anything to hurt anyone (she has spent a lot of time supporting some of them when they have been going through their own struggles). One of the girls accepted it, one not so much and ‘bestie’ took a middle of the road approach. Dd was content she had to make an effort to do something for the sake of getting through the last days of school, leavers day and prom without them being too uncomfortable together.

Back to school tomorrow after Easter Break and ‘bestie’ messages her tonight to say that she’s sold her ticket but could only get half the face value for it and she’ll have the money in 10 - 15 working days 😡

Oh your poor dd. It all sounds like a nightmare - so much unnecessary bitchiness. It's good that your dd will be starting afresh with her drama course and hopefully make a whole new set of friends. I have bought my dd tickets for Leeds with Ticketmaster but they don't actually issue the tickets until a few weeks before the event; they take your money and then say they are "preparing your tickets" so it would not be possible at this stage to transfer the ticket to your dd or anyone else for that matter. But God, what a bitch! I feel for your dd and I really hope she makes some nicer friends on her new course.

As soon as the festival issue kicked off she was invited by a drama friend to join the group she’s going with and it’s all confirmed. She’s bought another ticket tonight so she can still go but it’s wiped her out financially as she only works 16 hours at minimum wage.

I am overthinking this or is it coincidental that after dd reached out to try and rebuild some bridges, and school is back tomorrow after the Easter Break that ‘bestie’ has decided to sell the ticket back to Ticketmaster? I’ve looked and their site says you set the price yourself. How does dd face the girls this week if she sees them? How does she manage to go out for Leavers Day after the ceremony on Friday morning? How does she manage to go to prom when the group were all meeting at ‘besties’ house for the limo beforehand? The after party was supposed to be here but that’s sure not happening now (yes, I’m the only parent fool enough to open my home to them).

If needs be I’ll go to the small claims court for the money. Doesn’t matter if we win or lose, she’ll be the one with it registered against her name. None of that helps dd now though 😢.

Bestie is really smart, hard working and puts herself under a lot of pressure to succeed. Dd has struggled and was diagnosed with dyslexia 2 years back in January, she got her English and Music Highers last year and she’s doing Admin & IT and a crash Business Studies Highers this year (though besties mum insisted dd would never manage the crash higher as bestie had sweated blood and tears over hers last year - I just said that it was up to the school to make that decision) She didn’t get into her first choice but she’s accepted an unconditional at a good Uni to do the course she wants. 2 of the other girls also have unconditionals for good Uni’s to do what they’ve chosen. One has no offers but that’s because she chose not to improve one of her compulsory grades this year and will need to go to college first do get to where she’s hoping. Dd is too young and not developed enough for Conservatoire/London drama schools for BA courses but she has 2 unconditionals for the colleges she applied to and was offered her choice of HNC/HND pathway at a really good Drama school near us which she’s accepted. Like all actors, her chances of success in her chosen pathway are slim, but if she doesn’t try she will always regret it. So, not a threat educationally.

She’s from a good family who are comfortable financially but I wouldn’t say she’s spoiled, she has a job herself also on minimum wage. I’m a single parent of 2 who retired with a good pension that was eaten up clearing the debts I had accrued keeping my head above the water till I got that far. I work part time to top it up so no threat financially but neither are we ‘In the Poor House’.

Bestie is dark haired and a good looking girl, dd is neither dark nor fair but also a good looking girl. All the girls in the group are distinctive without the need for makeup. Dd not interested in any of the boys at school either so no threat there.

I just don’t see why ‘bestie’ couldn’t leave it as it was. Why does she feel the need to keep stirring?

This bestie is a total bitch, as are the rest of the group. Firstly, the money. Go on viagogo the main ticket resale website and see how much leeds fest tickets are going for. As a teenager I used to afford my ticket by buying two early on and then reselling one of the tickets for double nearer the festival...they ALWAYS resell for higher than asking price. Drive your dd to the girls house and speak to her mother if you have to- she's almost certainly stole money from your daughter here.

Secondly, she needs to either not go to prom (it really is unbelievably overrated), or reach out to go with someone else/another group...even if she literally only knows them vaguely from one class or from years ago. if your dd ends up going back with a begging cap to her toxic friendship group just to have people to go to the prom with, she'll absolutely regret it. I did it myself, and I still regret it 15 years later.
It sounds like the Muriels Wedding friendship group.
Dd sounds like the sort of girl who's life only truly begins when she leaves school. Her friends sound like they're the sort of girls who's lives have already reached their highpoint and desperately don't want the girl they like to bully to go off and become a famous actress and leave them behind.

I would be telling this group of "friends" exactly what I thought. They need to be told as this is disgusting bullying behaviour and they need to learn how to treat people with respect and consideration. I'm sorry your dd has been going through this.

Now I remember why all my friends in secondary were male. Girls are awful sometimes.

She’s learned a valuable lesson about giving a large amount of money to a ‘friend’ who’s already proven herself to be an unkind and flaky person who takes advantage. Did you say anything at the time about her buying her own ticket rather than turning that amount of money over to someone else?

Thank you. I agree prom will be an anticlimax for all of them but she’s still desperate for the experience. She has seen that others in school still speak with her but I’m not sure she has it in her to risk the rejection of asking to go with another group.

I was 'best friends' with the bitches in my school. I thought I was really cool and that I'd never have any trouble as I was friends with the coolest girls in my year, until a similar thing happened to me and I was being told I'd been saying this that and the other. These 'best friends' of mine then turned on me and made my life a living hell. Which then resulted in me having to move school months before my exams and it's something that has knocked my confidence years later. If your DD has the opportunity to leave for drama school I would say take it, if it will make her happy. It'll be hard for her and it'll be daunting to cut these horrible girls off at first..but she will realise there are nice genuine girls out there! I hope it all works out for you both OP x

Kanaloa - they were all trying to get on the website for tickets at the same time. Bestie got on before her

Oh dear. It’s horrible but I think at her age you can only support her. Long gone are the primary school days when you can wade in and sort it out between you and Amelia’s mum and have the girls make up or play with someone else!

As her mum I’d give her the truth of it though - this is a nasty girl who’s no friend of yours, and you’d be better off without her. If you continue to be her friend she’ll keep being nasty to you because she’s a horrible girl who doesn’t value you. Maybe hearing to straight up will reassure her that it’s not ‘normal friend drama’ or similar, it’s a nasty girl being mean to her and she can just chuck her if she wants.

Welovetea- that’s one of their issues that she calls them her school friends, but when she’s meeting people or going somewhere that’s how she identifies them - school friends, theatre school friends, local youth theatre friends and friends from a neighbouring town that she met through friends in the local youth theatre.
Another complaint was her saying to bestie that other than the group, the only person she sees is her boyfriend. Probably struck a chord there for all of them when their final days at school aren’t even just around the corner. They’re right in front of them.

Kanaloa - sadly she’s experienced this before. She’s been very badly hurt by 3 separate friends who she was very close with for a long time, but when their interests diverged and she supported and cheerleadered them to where they wanted to be they dumped her like a hot potato. But until this last year I honestly felt that school wise, she had settled with a decent group of girls, they are not the cool crowd by any means but certainly a decent group. Not super tight but she didn’t need them to be super tight as she has other friends she is closer with.
On a positive note, she knows she can come out the other side of this stronger as she is at least equipped to deal with the hurt from her past experiences, it’s the fear of losing out on prom etc that is really upsetting her.

I do think that the shock of the small claims court needs to be put on this girl.

It might just teach her that in the big wide world you can’t go around using other peoples money to punish them because you feel like it.

I have no idea why the ticket was sold. It wasn’t this girls property to sell.
It was your daughters and she asked for the money back or the ticket.
Your daughter didn’t ask for her ticket to be sold.

I think for the ticket she needs to say ‘you either give me the ticket, or the face value for it.’ She’s letting her off lightly even with that. I expect she’s either sold it for full price or offered it to another friend for half price. But yes, small claims if not.

What an utter bitch. Why oh why are girls so cruel to each other. These things are usually jealousy and with all the taunts over sexuality, I would say that 'bestie' possibly has some insecurities of her own there.

If if were my daughter I'd be drawing a line under it all and starting again at drama school, although competitiveness and jealousy can be rife there too!

What did the girls mother say when you spoke to her about the ticket? As a previous poster said, she has stolen from your DD and that I don't think you should just let go.

Oh your poor dd, girls can be absolutely vile to each other. It's so hard as a mum to watch this happening, I had a similar thread a little while ago and it's awful to hear so many people whose children are going through the same thing.

My dd is so much happier and more confident now after something suddenly clicked and she walked away. I told her that some people are bitter and nasty and it's not her job to fix them. She can hold her head up high knowing she doesn't treat people that way and ultimately they will be miserable and unhappy while she leads a happy drama free life with better friends.

I think almost every woman has been through this growing up and it is such insidious behaviour. Your daughter should be proud she is not like them, it sounds like she has a bright future ahead of her

Oh God, this whole post gave me such a deep feeling of dead and confusion at my own school memories - and I didn't even have a group of frenemies bullying me, I was just socially clumsy!

Your poor daughter! I am so relieved for her that she has other friends apart from these horrors. And she has a great future ahead at drama school.

I do think though that you should try to stop analysing the ex best friend as to why she is like this, looking at the differences between her and your kid. To be fair the ex friend's mother sounds like a piece of work - did she really say openly she thought your daughter would struggle with the crash business course because her own precious moppet struggled? Fuck that. She has probably instilled some feelings of insecurity and 'never quite good enough' in her own kid, that now make her unpleasant in her other interpersonal relationships.

Do you have any friends/relatives/friends of friends/tenuous links with anyone with a REALLY posh car ? Or something unusual eg vintage lorry or ?? That you can pull strings and get them on board

If so, ask very nicely if they'd be able to give DD a lift to prom, and explain the situation. Then, ask DD to ask the teachers if they know anyone hasn't got a lift to prom as there's a space available in her vehicle. And see if she can pal up with someone also been left out.

I am so sorry to hear of what has happened to your daughter .
Sadly she is not alone. It brought back memories of my daughters experience at the hand of a friendship group at the end of her school life that still affects her confidence 5 years later.
One girl was the ring leader and she had undue influence on the a group of 8 girls.
My daughter had a petty disagreement over a boy (the ring leader fancied him and he spoke to my daughter a few times and the RL thought my daughter disloyal.) My DD was ostracised 6 weeks before final exams and felt too intimidated due to name calling ,social media hateful comments that the entire friendship group joined in with.
The ring leader disinvited my DD from their prom table (another group invited my DD and she got up the courage to go along for closure and to say goodbyes. When my DD arrived at the prom ,the RL had on the identical prom dress my daughter had (the girl had seen my daughters dress months before hanging up in myDD bedroom, it ws very distinctive and unusual from a small boutique that only stocked small quantities of items)
My daughter came home, got changed into an old favourite dress and went back to the prom, stayed an hour and said her goodbyes.
On the day of my daughters first A level exam she got a text from a girl on the periphery of the group saying "|thanks for the holiday.lol"
It turned out the RL who was the lead name on the group holiday booking end of school holiday to Spain .....had removed my daughters name and replaced it with another girl.
I had paid for the holiday in full and my daughter was paying me back from a Saturday job.
I called the girls parents who said as she was 18 it was nothing to do with them.
It really affected my DD confidence and I often wonder if any of those girls ever think back to how they behaved and regret it...
Hope your daughter realises its not her fault that some girls are immature and self centred .

@mum61

I am so sorry to hear of what has happened to your daughter . Sadly she is not alone. It brought back memories of my daughters experience at the hand of a friendship group at the end of her school life that still affects her confidence 5 years later. One girl was the ring leader and she had undue influence on the a group of 8 girls. My daughter had a petty disagreement over a boy (the ring leader fancied him and he spoke to my daughter a few times and the RL thought my daughter disloyal.) My DD was ostracised 6 weeks before final exams and felt too intimidated due to name calling ,social media hateful comments that the entire friendship group joined in with. The ring leader disinvited my DD from their prom table (another group invited my DD and she got up the courage to go along for closure and to say goodbyes. When my DD arrived at the prom ,the RL had on the identical prom dress my daughter had (the girl had seen my daughters dress months before hanging up in myDD bedroom, it ws very distinctive and unusual from a small boutique that only stocked small quantities of items) My daughter came home, got changed into an old favourite dress and went back to the prom, stayed an hour and said her goodbyes. On the day of my daughters first A level exam she got a text from a girl on the periphery of the group saying "|thanks for the holiday.lol" It turned out the RL who was the lead name on the group holiday booking end of school holiday to Spain .....had removed my daughters name and replaced it with another girl. I had paid for the holiday in full and my daughter was paying me back from a Saturday job. I called the girls parents who said as she was 18 it was nothing to do with them. It really affected my DD confidence and I often wonder if any of those girls ever think back to how they behaved and regret it... Hope your daughter realises its not her fault that some girls are immature and self centred .

Omg I'm actually shocked by this. Your poor daughter. Just because the girl was 18, her parents washed their hands of it.... shameful.

Did you get your money back for the holiday?

@mum61

I am so sorry to hear of what has happened to your daughter . Sadly she is not alone. It brought back memories of my daughters experience at the hand of a friendship group at the end of her school life that still affects her confidence 5 years later. One girl was the ring leader and she had undue influence on the a group of 8 girls. My daughter had a petty disagreement over a boy (the ring leader fancied him and he spoke to my daughter a few times and the RL thought my daughter disloyal.) My DD was ostracised 6 weeks before final exams and felt too intimidated due to name calling ,social media hateful comments that the entire friendship group joined in with. The ring leader disinvited my DD from their prom table (another group invited my DD and she got up the courage to go along for closure and to say goodbyes. When my DD arrived at the prom ,the RL had on the identical prom dress my daughter had (the girl had seen my daughters dress months before hanging up in myDD bedroom, it ws very distinctive and unusual from a small boutique that only stocked small quantities of items) My daughter came home, got changed into an old favourite dress and went back to the prom, stayed an hour and said her goodbyes. On the day of my daughters first A level exam she got a text from a girl on the periphery of the group saying "|thanks for the holiday.lol" It turned out the RL who was the lead name on the group holiday booking end of school holiday to Spain .....had removed my daughters name and replaced it with another girl. I had paid for the holiday in full and my daughter was paying me back from a Saturday job. I called the girls parents who said as she was 18 it was nothing to do with them. It really affected my DD confidence and I often wonder if any of those girls ever think back to how they behaved and regret it... Hope your daughter realises its not her fault that some girls are immature and self centred .

I hope you took this 18 year old to the small claims court.

mum61 - how awful for your daughter. I hope she grows to realise it was them who had the problem and grows in confidence. I’m the first to admit my daughter can forget to ‘put her brain in gear before opening her mouth’ but at the same time she’s also the one who puts the world on hold to support friends when they’re struggling. Bestie often commented that she has no filters at times, but the punishment sure doesn’t fit the crime and she doesn’t deserve what has happened and how it has happened.

@Kesorrmumof2. My daughter wasn't blameless but she was naive and a people pleaser, the problems began as my daughter started to mature and stand up for herself a bit, the pack leader didn't like it and the other girls were so relieved she was focusing her bullying on my daughter and leaving them alone they joined the witch hunt.
I hope your daughter comes through with her confidence and self esteem intact.

How horrible.

Small claims court absolutely.
Could she just attend for her exams? I’m sure the school will support you in this.

I’m afraid I’d blow the prom out. I think they’re just an awful thing tbh. My dd is refusing to go to hers as are lots of her friends. I know it’s important at 17, but the pain of having no one to go with is worse.

I think this is one of the worst things I’ve read on here. What evil girls.

I always think the song ‘At Seventeen’ by Janis Ian summarises the pain of that age. Although it’s mainly about appearances.

@Kennykenkencat.
I sent a solicitors letter asking her to return the holiday ticket or the money within 10 working days or I would pursue the matter int he courts.
She said she would of I re embursed her for the £38 she paid to change the name from my daughter to the other girl and £38 for my daughters name to be put back on it .
I politely declined.
She eventually returned the ticket by post it arrived 1 hr before the plane took off .
We wrote it off as an experience error we learnt from, an expensive error of judgement on our part...