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Original poster

Anyone else adore but dislike their child?

46 replies

fucketyfuckwit · 18/04/2022 23:15

I adore my daughter. She is beautiful, funny, kind, clever, independent.

But, Fuck me!
She's entitled
She's lazy
She's greedy
She cares nothing about her or others belongings.
She can't be arsed with sports or activities
She can't be arsed to practice the piano or guitar or which ever instrument she wanted to play
She does nothing we ask of her
She uses something and will just drop it there and walk off
She begs for clothes in shops but then gets them home and never wears them - I gave away hundreds of £ worth of new unworn clothes to charity the other day
She is generally quite kind but won't think twice about upsetting or teasing the cat/dog and thinks it hilarious.

She is literally the worst parts of both me and DH.

I'm lost on how to make her a better person. I have tried so so much. Nothing works.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 18/04/2022 23:17

I mean, DD is 2.5 and doing all the typical terrible 2s things - there are days when I really don't enjoy being around her, but I don't dislike the core of who she is as a person. I think that would be quite a damning indictment of my own parenting.

Xmasfairy86 · 18/04/2022 23:22

I could have written this!
She’s 13 and a right mare 🤣🤦🏽‍♀️ Lovely. But it’s hard work parenting her sometimes. Hormones have A LOT to answer for!!

Only myself (and her DF!) to blame. Maybe

Original poster
fucketyfuckwit · 18/04/2022 23:23

Oh I take full responsibility as a parent, I'm just not sure where I went wrong.

I didn't think this when she was 2.5. She's 11 now.

I worry about her future with such little thought and effort.

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MolliciousIntent · 18/04/2022 23:25

The cruelty to animals and lack of care for others belongings would really concern me - the rest of it I think is just standard preteen behaviour.

Mainly, I'd be concerned that she's picking up on your dislike. Children are incredibly perceptive, and knowing you don't like her is unlikely to make her behave any better.

Justwingingit2005 · 18/04/2022 23:27

Yes!
I mentioned this to a friend of mine who looked at me in a judgemental way!

My middle son, I love him but sometimes dislike him.
If he drops something not his fault.
If he loses something not his fault.
He has physio to do for a foot issue, should do it 3 times a day, keeps forgetting, not his fault apparently.
Lost a shoe, a bloody shoe, at school.... not his fault.

Nothing is ever his fault. It's always mine.

Original poster
fucketyfuckwit · 18/04/2022 23:29

I'm not sure she knows. I try really hard to conceal my concerns. I tell her I love/ adore her numerous times daily.

OP posts:
Dancer47 · 18/04/2022 23:49

Teasing and upsetting animals the laughing about it at 11 years old is a red flag, as I'm sure you know.

LittleWhingingWoman · 18/04/2022 23:55

Stop buying her clothes. Have some accountability in place for her. It's maybe time for her to have some responsibility - a few light house chores etc.
At 11 we taught my dd to help feed the pets, she was doing her own small laundry pile, helped dry the dishes and put them away, she had learned to cook a few staple dishes - and she helped me carry shopping and put it away.

Now she's 14 and she is fully self sufficient to the point where she can do everything. She saves her allowance and only buys clothes she needs. We've had some fights along the way but she knows she has to be part of our family and not just "take"
from it if it makes sense?

LittleWhingingWoman · 19/04/2022 00:04

Hope that didn't sound too judgemental! To be fair I do shut down any entitled behaviour with all our kids as I have no time for it so they've all had a row when I don't like the behaviour.

We have all talked a lot about loving someone but not always liking their behaviour and then finding ways to work around that on both sides - which is a conversation that helps with her sibling relationships. There are loads of creative solutions to this that you'll explore over time!

britneyisfree · 19/04/2022 00:09

@Justwingingit2005

Yes! I mentioned this to a friend of mine who looked at me in a judgemental way!

My middle son, I love him but sometimes dislike him.
If he drops something not his fault.
If he loses something not his fault.
He has physio to do for a foot issue, should do it 3 times a day, keeps forgetting, not his fault apparently.
Lost a shoe, a bloody shoe, at school.... not his fault.

Nothing is ever his fault. It's always mine.

You should be reminding him to do his physio every day. Set a reminder on your phone @Justwingingit2005
SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 00:21

You (and her Dad if he's around) need firmer boundaries

She's entitled / She's lazy time for rewards and chores. If she drops her clothes in the wring place, don't wash them. Anything left around goes in a box in her room. You won't put it away, you'll just keep filling the box. She wants pocket money, she has to do X first.
She's greedy in wastes food / overweight or just eats more than you think she should
She cares nothing about her or others belongings if it's hers, move it to her bedroom box and leave it. Doesn't get washed, fixed etc. Obv uniform etc you probably need to make an exception of. If she ruins your stuff, it comes it of nay money you give her
She can't be arsed with sports or activities so don't pay for then
She can't be arsed to practice the piano or guitar or which ever instrument she wanted to play see above
She does nothing we ask of herwhat are the consequences?
She uses something and will just drop it there and walk off see above and bedroom box. Which gets binned every Sunday / last day of the month.
She begs for clothes in shops but then gets them home and never wears them - I gave away hundreds of £ worth of new unworn clothes to charity the other day STOP. JUST STOP.
She is generally quite kind but won't think twice about upsetting or teasing the cat/dog and thinks it hilarious. what are the consequences?

LittleWhingingWoman · 19/04/2022 00:37

Also remember it's her behaviour you don't like not her personally. We can all change our behaviour so that we are less annoying!

RiverSkater · 19/04/2022 01:00

She's spoilt and has no boundaries set or consequences?

toomuchlaundry · 19/04/2022 01:17

I would be concerned about her attitude to pets

Excited101 · 19/04/2022 01:31

Has she had many boundaries growing up op? Children need them in order to feel safe and secure- and also in order to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them!

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 19/04/2022 03:08

Her behaviour around pets sounds concerning.

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2022 03:11

I would have said that’s completely normal teen behaviour - but the animal bit isn’t so something else may well be at play.

Kanaloa · 19/04/2022 03:24

I mean why are you still giving in to ‘begging’ for expensive items? Let her spend her pocket money on expensive items she doesn’t use. Same with her items. If they’re on the floor they disappear or she is called repeatedly to pick them up/remove them.

Is she punished when she continues to torment family pets? If not, why?

Not practising piano/guitar or wanting to do sports clubs - eh she’s 11. If she’s not interested that’s that. Do you take music lessons and regularly attend a sports club? I don’t, and the day my kids want to quite their clubs I’ll allow it. It’s their time and energy, not mine.

lollipoprainbow · 19/04/2022 07:12

Sounds identical to my autistic daughter.

BertieBotts · 19/04/2022 07:17

Oh come on! She's 11! Some people on here must have perfect children.

And no, teasing animals is not very nice and I would try to address that but it's not a red flag for psychopathy - she's not torturing or hurting the animal.

Secondary school may well be a revelation. It was with DS1.

In the meantime, try to find some way to connect even if it's sending each other silly GIFs on WhatsApp or watching a film together. Connection really helps get you through the teen years, and should help communication with all the other issues.

Nyfluff · 19/04/2022 07:21

Excluding the animal part that is a lot of executive dysfunction and ADD traits. Does she also leave things to the minute and have a messy room? Interests that she seems to love and then suddenly drops and can't be bothered with?

Tillsforthrills · 19/04/2022 07:25

As PP said it’s very important you distinguish between not liking her and not liking her behaviour.

Good advice from @SleepingStandingUp

It’s easy to complain, it isn’t easy to put boundaries in place and stick to them. I do sympathise and it’s very hard but worth doing now and nipping in the bud.

HollowTalk · 19/04/2022 07:29

Stop telling her you adore her! There's no need to tell her that every day, she clearly has no problem with self-esteem. It's as though you have created a little princess and you still keep telling her how wonderful she is even though she is behaving in a really terrible way at times.

BertieBotts · 19/04/2022 07:35

Even the animal part could fit into executive dysfunction if it's poor impulse control/not stopping to consider the effects of her behaviour.

Catcrisis · 19/04/2022 07:48

@Nyfluff

Excluding the animal part that is a lot of executive dysfunction and ADD traits. Does she also leave things to the minute and have a messy room? Interests that she seems to love and then suddenly drops and can't be bothered with?
Oh fgs. I hate the way normal (if not ideal) behaviour has become pathologised. Being an annoying pre-teen is not a condition.
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