Page 2 | Anyone else adore but dislike their child?

WhatsHoppening · 19/04/2022 07:59

I wouldn’t be telling her how much I adore and love her multiple times a day as she clearly has interpreted that as you love her so much she can do whatever she wants.

Stop paying for any activities she doesn’t engage with.

Say no to new clothes or have a 1 in 1 out policy and only buy new things when she’s proven she’s worn other things.

Anything strewn around the house put in a box. She can find things from there when she’s lost them. Do not tidy after her.

If she’s greedy eg for unhealthy food don’t buy them.

You need to grown a backbone and be firmer. She’s just a teenager taking the piss.

Original poster

fucketyfuckwit · 19/04/2022 08:03

Thanks all. It all came to a head last night as she decided to play with a load of my stuff (expensive make up) and ended up totally destroying it - adding water etc. I could forgive a toddler for that but an 11 year old who has been told not to touch my things should know better.

When I say I tell her I love her a lot it's more because I don't want her to feel that we don't care about her. It's often as part of rewarding good behaviour.

It's always been a problem with her that what ever sanction we use she just doesn't care. When she was little we would put her on the naughty step or send her to her room, she would refuse to sit on the step or go to her room and it would all escalate into a bigger fight.

She has had a mobile phone for the past 6 months or so and it now seems the only thing that makes a difference. It's the only sanction that works, to take it away.

Thanks for the advice. I will sit down with DH and then DD too. She needs to start this of others so we need to sit down and think of ways to express this.

I will find her some little jobs to do at home to earn her pocket money. She can earn some money to buy me some new make up.

Today is a new day ...

OP posts:

Original poster

fucketyfuckwit · 19/04/2022 08:04

She's not as bad as in my OP, I was very cross. But things need to change immediately and I will do all I can to help her.

OP posts:

AntarcticTern · 19/04/2022 08:13

Well done OP for not getting defensive and taking the helpful posts on board. At 11 you still have lots of time to help her make changes. Good luck!

MsTSwift · 19/04/2022 08:18

You’ve been too wet with her as a young child. Unpopular view but there needs to be a dash of fear and respect towards your parents. This op describes the outcome of lovey dovey “we are your friend darling we never say no” parenting and it really ain’t pretty.

Mine aren’t perfect but no way on gods earth would they get away with that shit. My blood runs cold as to what would have happened if I’d been rude to my parents or careless of their belongings. Our generation so desperate to escape the over authoritarian approach of earlier generations we’ve gone too far the other way.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 08:21

It'll be a big change but this is a prime moment - she needs to warn some money to replace the stuff she wrecked but she can keep x% if whatever she earns and then that can continue once she's paid you pack. I'll also set a budget on clothes. If you're clearing stuff away with tags still in, sell them in vinted or similar and if she needs new it'll have to come from that until she's due new clothes. You might be flush atm but with rising living costs she needs to learn it doesn't grow in trees

Original poster

fucketyfuckwit · 19/04/2022 08:26

@MsTSwift

You’ve been too wet with her as a young child. Unpopular view but there needs to be a dash of fear and respect towards your parents. This op describes the outcome of lovey dovey “we are your friend darling we never say no” parenting and it really ain’t pretty.

Mine aren’t perfect but no way on gods earth would they get away with that shit. My blood runs cold as to what would have happened if I’d been rude to my parents or careless of their belongings. Our generation so desperate to escape the over authoritarian approach of earlier generations we’ve gone too far the other way.

Thanks, but you are wrong in this instance.

I am and have always been strict with her, maybe too much so. She is a very head strong child and I think we clash as well are very similar.

My DH has a softer (perhaps too soft) approach and this doesn't help with the boundaries.

They are both getting a talking to today with some action plans to be put in place.

She is an only child and both DH and I work long hours so we don't spend enough time with her doing meaningful things, this needs to change too.

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 19/04/2022 08:43

Why does she feel able to treat you like that then?

See it in the way many friends have parented. They let their kids when younger treat them like absolute shit it was hard to watch at times then hey presto - vile teens.

Nyfluff · 19/04/2022 08:53

Not everything is being pathologized, but anyone with ASD and ADHD will recognise this and tell you how damaging it has been to be treated as lazy, bad or naughty for something they don't understand and can't help. Those people will tell you they wish they'd been assessed and given coping techniques so they could manage their lives and have some level of self acceptance. Being loved but not liked is a lifelong wound that becomes part of identity when there's delayed diagnosis.

Of course it may not be, but given the repercussions it is worth considering. Regardless, I'd highly recommend reading Unconditional Parenting by Kohn for another perspective around what using rewards, and what might be more helpful.

BertieBotts · 19/04/2022 09:58

It's not pathologising to say that executive function is immature either - of course several systems will be immature in a child, because a child hasn't finished developing.

OP if you find punishment doesn't work I would strongly recommend Ross Greene. He has two books explaining his approach - The Explosive Child, for behaviourally challenging children, or Raising Human Beings, which is the same content without the extreme behaviour examples (so less daunting if you're not experiencing that).

This is a good primer/intro (click through to youtube to continue past video 1)

BertieBotts · 19/04/2022 10:00

I find Unconditional Parenting is very good at telling you what is wrong with reward/punishment but it was absolutely no use at practical alternatives! It's been a while since I read it. Ross Greene is all practical tools and examples though.

namechangeranonymouse · 19/04/2022 10:10

She also sounds very spoilt. If you've given in and bought her everything she wants and she treats it all with contempt, maybe rethink the way you parent her. She needs to earn those expensive clothes and hobbies. Kids are entitled because their parents entitle them.

Start setting boundaries and putting some behavioural expectations on her.

LittleWhingingWoman · 19/04/2022 12:02

@MsTSwift

You’ve been too wet with her as a young child. Unpopular view but there needs to be a dash of fear and respect towards your parents. This op describes the outcome of lovey dovey “we are your friend darling we never say no” parenting and it really ain’t pretty.

Mine aren’t perfect but no way on gods earth would they get away with that shit. My blood runs cold as to what would have happened if I’d been rude to my parents or careless of their belongings. Our generation so desperate to escape the over authoritarian approach of earlier generations we’ve gone too far the other way.

I agree and the fear isn't about being afraid of being hit but having a sense of consequences. My DD knows I would hit the roof if she damaged any property within our house. She is also autistic but she understands the difference between right and wrong and she's super smart and capable. As said before I'm raising her to be a capable and responsible young woman, not someone who remains dependant and childish forever. So as part of that there must be some accountability.

So if she damaged a large quantity of my makeup despite being told not to touch it she would be on a week long phone ban. No excuses.

Regarding chores - there are some which are expected every week from all our kids that are just about contributing to the house - so feeding the animals, cleaning up after themselves, cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry. These are just expected as part of being decent humans to live with!

And then there are some specials we pay a bit for - so in our case that's hoovering, dusting, giving the front room a big tidy, and mini jobs, sorting out the clutter of dvds, looking after the plants etc.

The kids get a clothing allowance dependent on age, and if they want something more they have to save for it. The clothing allowance is dependent on them being good. So far I've not had to take that away ever apart from once.

Happenchance · 19/04/2022 12:12

Has she spent much time away from you? A fun holiday camp, where she's expected to pitch in with chores, could help her mature and develop confidence in her ability to look after herself.

taylorsdoingapart · 19/04/2022 12:20

@LittleWhingingWoman

Also remember it's her behaviour you don't like not her personally. We can all change our behaviour so that we are less annoying!

Yes! My mum always used to say she loved me but didn't like me. It still affects me now and I'm almost 40.

Happenchance · 19/04/2022 12:35

Same here @taylorsdoingapart

Original poster

fucketyfuckwit · 19/04/2022 13:53

@Happenchance

Same here *@taylorsdoingapart*

I would never say that to her.

OP posts:

Blone · 19/04/2022 14:21

You need to teach your dd to be kind to animals. That's the most concerning thing. What happens when she is caught doing it?

veronicagoldberg · 19/04/2022 15:10

@fucketyfuckwit

I adore my daughter. She is beautiful, funny, kind, clever, independent.

But, Fuck me!
She's entitled
She's lazy
She's greedy
She cares nothing about her or others belongings.
She can't be arsed with sports or activities
She can't be arsed to practice the piano or guitar or which ever instrument she wanted to play
She does nothing we ask of her
She uses something and will just drop it there and walk off
She begs for clothes in shops but then gets them home and never wears them - I gave away hundreds of £ worth of new unworn clothes to charity the other day
She is generally quite kind but won't think twice about upsetting or teasing the cat/dog and thinks it hilarious.

She is literally the worst parts of both me and DH.

I'm lost on how to make her a better person. I have tried so so much. Nothing works.

Do you pull her up on any of this behaviour? Because if my child behaved like this there would be serious consequences.

iRun2eatCake · 19/04/2022 15:13

If her phone is so precious to her...use that as the bargaining tool but in reverse...

Does she get to keep her phone at night-time?

If not, this makes it easier as she doesn't get it returned the next day till X Y Z is completed

LittleWhingingWoman · 19/04/2022 21:58

How good are you at enforcing a boundary? My partner isn't so good at sticking to things - so for instance if I said "Misbehave and we are going home" and anyone misbehaves we go home. The end. It might cut short what we are doing, it might be a pain but I stick to it.

It only had to happen one or two times for the kids to understand I meant it. He however doesn't want to spoil his day out for instance so some bad behaviour would get worse as there were no consequences.

I know it's tough enforcing this kind of thing at the start but it's actually to benefit the kid in the long run. Kids adapt and learn as long as we stay consistent, so it's not too late to put some changes into place!

Anyone else adore but dislike their child?

Interested in this thread?