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Original poster

Help please

72 replies

Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 07:27

Hi there,
I really need some advice.
My baby's father wants nothing to do with my daughter whom is almost 8 months.. he has another baby who is 1 and a half which he is in contact with. I'm not sure if I approach his mother and let her know that in fact she has two grandchildren.. would I be wrong to do so?? I just feel really crappy for my daughter.. I feel so sorry for her. Please, any advice is appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 12:59

@Cocomarine
Yeah true, I don't want to cause trouble.. nd of course I wouldn't want that on his other child... but then Ill have that guilt with my own baby..

OP posts:

Original poster

Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 13:01

@Kite22
But you're right, I don't really know... I just put my self in that position and if my child kept my grandchild a secret I would be quite disappointed.

OP posts:

Herani · 15/04/2022 13:04

I find it bizarre that posters here would support keeping a child hidden from its family/ grandparents.
It may not go the way you want it OP, but I agree that they should at least know and have the choice to be in touch. They may decide not to be there, so be prepared.
Why hide the truth?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

cptartapp · 15/04/2022 13:10

Why just his mother?
Is his father not around?

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 13:30

[quote Tabithalevi]@Cocomarine
Yeah true, I don't want to cause trouble.. nd of course I wouldn't want that on his other child... but then Ill have that guilt with my own baby.. [/quote]
You misunderstand me.
What happens to his other child as a result of him being cheating scum is of no concern of yours.
Of course no-one would wish anything bad for the other innocent parties, but it’s not your responsibility and you didn’t cause it.

What I meant, was you’re naïve if you think the outcome here is that lovely lady opens her heart to your child, and everyone lives happily ever after.

You don’t even know if she’s a lovely lady! Anything you know about her has come from a liar.

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 13:33

How are you getting on with the CMS claim and why has it taken 8 months to do it?
Presumably he hasn’t been in a reliable private arrangement thus far, or you wouldn’t have turned to CMS.

So he’s either going to tell her girlfriend he has another child, or lie to her about family finances as well as the child. Nice.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/04/2022 13:33

@Herani

I find it bizarre that posters here would support keeping a child hidden from its family/ grandparents. It may not go the way you want it OP, but I agree that they should at least know and have the choice to be in touch. They may decide not to be there, so be prepared. Why hide the truth?

Probably because he is not a little child who needs mummy to tell him off? I’m assuming this is a grown man? I have children with an ex who doesn’t see them and I’ve never contacted his family (though they are aware of me) and they’ve never contacted me or tried to see the children. It’s shouldn’t be assumed that the family will welcome the op in with open arms and want contact with the child most likely situation is he will deny the kid is his or he will make up something like the op trapped him etc and the mum will side with her son.

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 13:36

Think very carefully about the potential outcomes here. What if grandmother doesn’t just want an occasional coo over your baby and to come to birthday parties. What if she pressures her son to have access, so she can see baby more. Do you want him to have access? Usually I’d say one should be encouraging of relationships with both parents, but he’s no prince, is he? I’d leave well alone.

LoveSpringDaffs · 16/04/2022 00:29

@Neveranynamesleft

Something else to think about is if the grandmother were to find out about her from another source several years down the line and is upset / angry that you didnt tell her.

And????

The shithead father could have told his parents, that's not the OP's problem.

What WILL be her problem is having the next 18+ years of her life constrained due to him & his family, which she can avoid if she lets sleeping dogs lie and moves away. She'd be mad to tie herself to this twat.

Original poster

Tabithalevi · 16/04/2022 10:30

Yes, so the situation is.. his girlfriend that I knew nothing about found out about his second life.. she knows everything now including my daughter.. But as far as I know his mum knows nothing about my daughter with him only his other daughter. He is very spiteful atm as he's been caught out. The reason he doesn't want anything to do with my daughter is because his double life has been exposed.. I'm to blame apparently.. she also found out about this on his other daughters first birthday which created such a scene...

I mean do I still approach his mother? I'm so 50/50 about it.. i don't think he will be happy if I do so.. I forgot to mention guys that this is a grown man! 36 years of age..
his mother only has two grandchildren inc my baby,. His brother has no children.. shall I let her know 🤯 I don't want to cause even more trouble if you know what I mean but my daughter deserves it and his mum has a right to know I guess? Whatever decision she makes.

They all live 10 minutes away from my place. I sometimes have to walk through their road. We are all literally neighbours... it's such a crap situation to be in.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 16/04/2022 10:45

No, his mum doesn’t have a right to no.
She really doesn’t.
And if she had a right then the responsibility would sit with her own son to tell her.

So forget that bit.

Honestly, what do you really want here? You say your daughter deserves a grandparent. But she doesn’t need one, and you have no idea of knowing how good a one she’d be, even if she did accept your child. You can’t rely on the lying son on her suitability!

Isn’t it possibly her son and DIL will put pressure on her not to get involved with you? So she’s risk her existing grandchild, son, and the DIL who I bet is the gatekeeper to the grandchild - for your baby? Unlikely.

I’m going to take a guess that you’re not close to your mum, and your dad isn’t in t picture, hence scrabbling around for a grandparent at any cost?

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 11:12

How on earth did she find out on her daughter’s first birthday?

Kite22 · 16/04/2022 12:07

and if my child kept my grandchild a secret I would be quite disappointed.

.......understatement of the century there but this is between him and his mother.

Or, potentially, also the mother of his other child. If she and the grandmother have such a close relationship, do you really think it won't come out ?

Original poster

Tabithalevi · 16/04/2022 13:50

@Cocomarine
Scrabbling for any grandparent? Wow...
my child is not a secret and should not be hidden. Yes my mother is around and she is an amazing grandmother to my daughter and so is my dad... my point here is.. My baby deserves to know her biological family, if they decide to turn their back on her then that's their decision.. at least I tried!

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 16/04/2022 14:00

You obviously do want to tell her so why did you post? Everyone who says not to you argue why you should, so just do it but don’t expect much back. I do agree if you had great parents and family you would be less desperate for a relationship with this woman.

Cocomarine · 16/04/2022 15:37

[quote Tabithalevi]@Cocomarine
Scrabbling for any grandparent? Wow...
my child is not a secret and should not be hidden. Yes my mother is around and she is an amazing grandmother to my daughter and so is my dad... my point here is.. My baby deserves to know her biological family, if they decide to turn their back on her then that's their decision.. at least I tried! [/quote]
But you do sound like you’re scrabbling around for another grandparent. Where’s the other grandfather in all this, btw?

That’s great that she’s got your mum and dad too.

A child only deserves to know their family history. They don’t need to have every party of a family (not matter how shitty) in their lives.

Do you trust this woman you’ve never met to cope with you daughter asking her, “do you know why my dad has never been interested in me?”

Seriously, leave than can of worms CLOSED.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/04/2022 15:48

I'd tell his mom. I'd absolutely do it.

Cocomarine · 16/04/2022 15:54

@VladmirsPoutine

I'd tell his mom. I'd absolutely do it.

So that she knew what a shit he was, and stop your daughter being a secret… or to try and have a relationship with her? (or both of course)

I’m with you on the first but personally (as is clear from my posts!) not the second.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/04/2022 17:40

@Cocomarine both. I don't believe in bigger-personalism. I'm not saying that OP should therefore try to encourage or force a relationship between her and OP's daughter but it's not me who will keep a whole grandchild a secret.

forevertired12 · 16/04/2022 19:01

I think you should try for her sake. Like u say if the y don't want to know at least u tried

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2022 19:10

What a tangled web.

There is only a negligible chance that his girlfriend, finding out he’s been cheating on their child’s birthday, hasn’t told her MIL. Probably no chance.

Neveranynamesleft · 16/04/2022 21:08

One day your daughter will be old enough to make her own decisions. If no contact is made now, she may want to track her down in years to come when she is able. She may have the door slammed in her face then but again, her choice and her questions.

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