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Original poster

Help please

72 replies

Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 07:27

Hi there,
I really need some advice.
My baby's father wants nothing to do with my daughter whom is almost 8 months.. he has another baby who is 1 and a half which he is in contact with. I'm not sure if I approach his mother and let her know that in fact she has two grandchildren.. would I be wrong to do so?? I just feel really crappy for my daughter.. I feel so sorry for her. Please, any advice is appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 08:23

@Imsittinginthekitchensink
Yeah that has crossed my mind. If they are anything like him maybe it's a bad idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 08:25

@picklemewalnuts
I totally agree. She seems like a lovely lady and she absolutely adores his other daughter. But as you said, it could go both ways.. 🤔

OP posts:
littlelowerdown · 15/04/2022 08:26

@LoveSpringDaffs

You were seeing him for the best part of two years & never met his family?

They may not even believe she's his.

No way would I be getting involved with his family.

Frankly I'd be moving as far away as possible while he's in 'don't give a shit mode' the last thing I'd want to do is have to hand my child over to that Walker & his family for 'contact'

Wanting a nice Daddy & Grandparents for your child is normal, but this lot won't be that. They'll just cause you no end of grief, wishing you hadn't bothered!!

Inclined to agree with this.
You’re probably dodging the bullet of a toxic family rather than missing out on the doting grandparents.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 08:30

@Neveranynamesleft
I agree, my daughter is not a secret.. she is so special in every way. To hide something like this feels awful.
At least I can say I tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 08:33

@LoveSpringDaffs
Yes maybe you're right..

OP posts:
Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 08:36

@LoveSpringDaffs
Oh she is definitely his. When everything had blown up he then tried the "she's not my baby" we took a paternity test.. she's his!
I had no doubts but it shut him up..

I still have the report.

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 15/04/2022 08:36

Something else to think about is if the grandmother were to find out about her from another source several years down the line and is upset / angry that you didnt tell her.

Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 08:37

@Neveranynamesleft
Exactly! I thought about that.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 08:47

Stop romanticising the role of a grandparent - many are shit.
And you don’t know this is a “lovely lady” at all.

What advice is your own mother giving you?

TeenPlusCat · 15/04/2022 08:49

I think you should tell her by writing a letter. Give her a chance, and give your DD a chance to know that side of her family.

Bubbles1st · 15/04/2022 08:57

I mean if he was there for you during the pregnancy and soon after you would think his parents would already know about your daughter and surely he would have wanted them to meet her. I think if not that was a huge red flag.

I would just get on with your life with your daughter, he you can maintenance from him that's better but doesn't sound like his or his family's presence will contribute anything.

Your daughter will not miss out, she cannot miss what she has never know. You and your family will be enough.

Mix56 · 15/04/2022 09:45

I would send a letter, you can add that he knows, was with you throughout the pregnancy, & there is no doubt over the paternity as you have had the dna done.
Unfortunately you knew nothing if his other girlfriend.
You are not looking for trouble, but should they wish to meet their other grandaughter, to get in touch

Neveranynamesleft · 15/04/2022 09:46

We are all making assumptions about a family we know nothing about based purely on others experiences.

Does that mean a sister is a thief just because a brother is ? Or a mother is a pathological liar just because a grandmother is ?? We are all unique.

Nobody knows what the grandmother is like, she could be the nicest woman in the world, the meanest or she could be mad as a box of frogs. None of that changes the fact that she is the girls biological grandmother and she has the right to know her granddaughter. If she chooses to turn her back on her for whatever reason then that her her choice. She has a right to know.

Incapacitated · 15/04/2022 10:18

I would arrange to meet her by chance. Slightly stalkerish. Somewhere she didn't know who I was and perhaps we wouldn't even speak. I would watch her interactions.. She must have some kind of routine. I'd then give her the option if she seemed like a nice person.

Neveranynamesleft · 15/04/2022 10:21

Jeez.....'give her the option if she seemed like a nice person '.... that's ridiculous.

We cant pick and choose family unfortunately.

Incapacitated · 15/04/2022 11:18

Oh yes we can...

Neveranynamesleft · 15/04/2022 12:00

Agreed we can pick and choose which family members we see / deal with etc etc but biologically we can't.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/04/2022 12:05

You’ve posted this on about 5 boards I’ve just commented on one of your other many posts. No I wouldn’t contact his family.

Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 12:09

I wouldn't even know what to say on the letter.. how would I start? Do I attach a photo of her?

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LIZS · 15/04/2022 12:14

Given that your ex is not paying anything, contacting the family may just look like you are after money or to apply pressure on him. Is he still with the gf?

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 12:16

[quote Tabithalevi]@picklemewalnuts
I totally agree. She seems like a lovely lady and she absolutely adores his other daughter. But as you said, it could go both ways.. 🤔 [/quote]
You’ve never even met her.

Cocomarine · 15/04/2022 12:23

Here’s scenarios to consider…

  • grandmother realises if she keeps this a secret from her “DIL”, when it comes out, she will lose her DIL and the existing grandchild. So she doesn’t want to see you.
  • grandmother blows the lid on the lot, DIL dumps this arsehole, grandmother finds she no longer sees DIL and grandchild as DIL only facilitating contact for her arsehole boyfriend. Grandmother is resentful of you and your child and drops you.

What do you actually know about this woman?

Kite22 · 15/04/2022 12:33

How can you know she seems like a lovely lady if you were kept a secret and never met her ?

Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 12:54

@Kite22
By the way he speaks about her, mutual friends, photos etc..

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Original poster
Tabithalevi · 15/04/2022 12:57

@LIZS
I have opened a child maintenance case.. another reason why he is acting up! I tried to arrange it between us both but he wouldn't listen.. I don't know, maybe I'll just keep this to myself then.

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