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Original poster

I've been offered a lift for a 200m journey - want to do about "petrol money"

57 replies

OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 07:20

Friends (a couple) have offered me a lift to an event. They're, obviously, going anyway, but I'm grateful I won't have to do the journey alone or take my car.

They're fairly well off and very generous. It can be a struggle to get them to let me buy them a drink. At one point I had to say "look if you don't let me pay my way, I'll have to stop coming out".e.g. The husband is quite a big drinker and very generous, so by the time I'm half way through my drink, he's back at the bar bringing back the next round, but wife is just as bad if we're out for coffee, even when I think she's agreed I can pay she'll nip in with her contact less card! If we're out for dinner he'll lay the bill for the whole group without telling anyone.

Anyway I know if I offer fuel money they'll say no, but I still feel I should do something.

So how much do I offer? Buy their breakfast? Pay for hotel parking? (Which I think will be quite expensive). Try harder to buy more than my share of drinks? Just offer a sum of cash? How much?

I know it's ridiculous, but I can't see a way they'll let me contribute and yet I feel uncomfortable not doing. I know it roots from a place of kindness, his business has done unexpectedly well during covid - it was a business that should have "died" but he's managed to diversify in some brilliant ways so it's thrived and they want to share their good fortune. They're not at all braggy about it. Also DH died and they think I'm down on my luck, but I have a decent job of my own, I'm OK (financially), but really appreciate their friendship and the way they've looked out for me since he died.

Anyway what do I offer? If it makes a difference it's a fully electric car - the expensive one with the long range!

OP posts:
Menopants · 14/04/2022 07:24

Honestly just accept the generosity. Politely offer they will say no. Get them a nice bottle of wine. Let them enjoy doing you a favour and then let go of any sense of obligation you may feel

Mumdiva99 · 14/04/2022 07:25

What's the event? Are you there multiple days or just the one? I think buying breakfast would be nice. Or paying parking. Or if its all no no no can you invite them to yours on your return and serve them a special meal as a thank you?

Original poster
OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 07:27

@Menopants

Honestly just accept the generosity. Politely offer they will say no. Get them a nice bottle of wine. Let them enjoy doing you a favour and then let go of any sense of obligation you may feel
Don't! I took a nice bottle of wine when we went to dinner at their house (a takeaway they paid for!) and she was furious, in a very friendly/joking way, but she wasn't happy. "I told you we'd do drinks".
OP posts:
Forshorttheycallmecomp · 14/04/2022 07:28

You’ve had a shit time, they’ve had a better time, they’re offering you a favour which makes no difference to them - they just want to rebalance the nice in the universe a bit. Order them some nice wine or something for when they return, but don’t ho overboard if they’ve offered you something to “pay your way” if they’re refused money.

2DogsOnMySofa · 14/04/2022 07:30

What kind of event is it? Are you having a picnic type, can you bring some nice food along? Either that or send flowers to them after the event as a thank you.

Ifailed · 14/04/2022 07:30

I assume you mean miles and not metres?

Agree with PP, offer some money and expect to be turned down.

Pugfostermum · 14/04/2022 07:30

I read that as 200 metres. I was like ‘just walk ffs!’ 🤣

Soontobe60 · 14/04/2022 07:37

Offer to pay towards the fuel, know that they won’t accept, and buy them a lovely bunch of flowers after the event as a thank you.

lpoast · 14/04/2022 07:42

@Soontobe60

Offer to pay towards the fuel, know that they won’t accept, and buy them a lovely bunch of flowers after the event as a thank you.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest.
Hatinafield · 14/04/2022 07:46

@Soontobe60

Offer to pay towards the fuel, know that they won’t accept, and buy them a lovely bunch of flowers after the event as a thank you.
Yes, this. Offer, but if they decline send flowers or muffins or something the day after you all get home?
NoSquirrels · 14/04/2022 07:47

@Soontobe60

Offer to pay towards the fuel, know that they won’t accept, and buy them a lovely bunch of flowers after the event as a thank you.
Do this.

Make the offer, expect the refusal, but them a really nice thank you gift afterwards - you can add it’s because you appreciate their friendship if they’re uncomfortable with transactional offers.

AtomicBlondeRose · 14/04/2022 07:48

I wouldn’t accept money for that journey either if I was already making it and in an electric car, and I’m not rich, so don’t worry about that. Maybe bring nice car snacks?

WinterSpringSummerorFall · 14/04/2022 07:49

200miles would be about £12 pounds in my long range electric car (not on home charging) if it helps.

I agree with those saying let them be generous, thank them profusely and send a small card/plant/chocs afterwards to show your appreciation.

over2021 · 14/04/2022 07:50

I'm not loaded but if I hate accepting petrol money- particularly if I'm going anyway! Just drop a nice plant round after the event as a thank you if you feel really uncomfortable Grin

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/04/2022 07:50

Rather than commit to a large purchase... 3x hotel breakfast is loads! That it sounds they can easily afford.

Wait til you're back and perhaps buy them some nice deli stuff (of they're foodies?) some rich pals loved some very decent quality olive oil, that I found.

And send a card saying how much you've appreciated theur friendship, particularly after your DH died.

Well off pals often said they didn't want others to try and fully contribute to any outlay that they were happy to pay... But loved it when people sent cards /letters to them! And just remembered that they were people too!

InfrequentFlyer · 14/04/2022 07:53

Yes, agree with PP don't make it about 'paying them back', send a gift to say you appreciate them.

I'd buy a plant over flowers. Or a big brownie box if they'll enjoy those.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/04/2022 07:54

They don’t need or want a financial contribution from you and insisting on making their act of friendship into cost-splitting exercise feels transactional and slightly against the nature of friendship. You clearly don’t want to take them for granted because you’re a nice person but you do risk making them uncomfortable if you insist on contributing financially towards something they were doing anyway, can well afford and doesn’t even actually require a trip to a petrol station. They cwant you to accept their friendship.
There are lots of ways to make sure someone doesn’t feel taken for granted. A lovely thank you card, a bunch of flowers, a home-baked cake - it doesn’t matter what. And, honestly, sending it after you get back is the best manners in this situation. Don’t worry. Your friends clearly care about you.

PaulaTrilloe · 14/04/2022 07:54

If they won't accept £ offer to make a charity donation to a charity of their choice or if they don't have one, suggest yours or maybe an environmental one? eg Sustrans or local wildlife trust?

EarringsandLipstick · 14/04/2022 07:56

And send a card saying how much you've appreciated theur friendship, particularly after your DH died

This.

I do get where you are coming from. You appreciate their kindness but also want to be an 'equal' in the relationship.

That's absolutely fine - well off or not, it's uncomfortable if they treat you like a charity case, albeit with good intentions.

However, re the lift - offer money but expect they will say no. I would and I'm not wealthy - I'd be paying it anyway, no way would I look for money from a friend (or anyone).

Send flowers & a thank you the next day.

Don't keep offering things when they invite you but I think you are right re tbd drinks / coffees. You've told them firmly you want to pay your way, and that's important. As kindly as it's meant, it can feel somehow controlling & patronising, and it's important you feel you have equal 'power' in the relationship (I know how that can feel).

Northernlurker · 14/04/2022 07:56

I would go with a gift and thanks too. They can afford to look after you and although you don't need that, I would accept it in the spirit of generosity it's offered in. Presumably they were friends with your dh too? Because if so there will be an element of they are doing things for you 'for him' and it will be an important part of their adjustment process to his loss too. If it was things that were problematic for you that would be different but it sounds like they are just keen to help out with stuff you'd be doing anyway.

Original poster
OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 07:58

@over2021

I'm not loaded but if I hate accepting petrol money- particularly if I'm going anyway! Just drop a nice plant round after the event as a thank you if you feel really uncomfortable Grin
Yes, actually offering a lift is one of the ways I can and do repay this kindness because wife hates driving, so when we go out together I always drive, but for this much longer journey he's offered.

I never take petrol money from anyone either, but usually in my circle, the passengers will buy the tea and cake (or whatever) which more than compensates!

OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusSay · 14/04/2022 08:00

@PaulaTrilloe

If they won't accept £ offer to make a charity donation to a charity of their choice or if they don't have one, suggest yours or maybe an environmental one? eg Sustrans or local wildlife trust?
Oh that's a good idea. There's a charity she does a lot of work with - she actually personally supported DH in his illness through her voluntary work there. I shall offer and say if they won't take it/don't want it I'll give it to the charity instead.
OP posts:
clarrylove · 14/04/2022 08:03

It's not going to cost them very much more. If you say you often take the wife places and she doesn't pay your fuel, I would just accept graciously.

PaulaTrilloe · 14/04/2022 08:33

Let us know how it goes. Sounds like you giving lifts to the wife balances things out too!

Saltyquiche · 14/04/2022 08:35

Probably need to pay 1/3 of the petrol, 1/3 parking plus refreshments for all while driving