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Original poster

Move closer to family or stay in better location?

30 replies

Apairofbrowneyes · 13/04/2022 15:13

We have two young DC. I work in a job that is quite exhausting. It pays ok money and I trained hard to get the job, so I don’t want to give it up or change career. DH can WFH anywhere. We live in one of the best postcodes of a big city. We have a great community of friends around us and we love the city we live in. It’s the perfect mix of diversity/gorgeous countryside/good schools etc.

But we are exhausted and dead and finding it hard to not become bitter about people who have family support with young children. I can see it makes all the difference to my colleagues and we are desperate for that bit of respite and not relying solely on nursery. I’m also fed up of when we do have family visit they have to stay overnight due to distance travelled and it actually ends up making more work.

My family would love it if we moved closer to them…but they live in the UK equivalent of Texas/Florida. It’s hard to reach, the people are slow to warm to newcomers, there’s a serious lack of diversity and the schools aren’t great. I know this because I lived there for a few years before leaving for university.

We could move house (four hours away) and get a bigger house, bigger garden and have family support. But lose the good postcode of a big city, the good schools and the great friends we’ve made.

Does anyone have experience of these thoughts or decisions? Is there something obvious that should ‘give’ that I’m not seeing? Should we just bide our time and get through this relentless stage of parenting to reap the rewards of a good area later?

OP posts:
CatSpeakForDummies · 13/04/2022 15:21

I think right now, exacerbated by the pandemic, is the time you will most crave family support. However, if it feels like work to have your family visit, it's possible it'll feel like even more work having them local.

However, where you live sounds so much better for your children as soon as they are school age. You have friends and a network will bloom around the school.

I don't think it sounds worth the trade off, TBH, not for the brief pre school years. I would, instead, think about reducing work hours, hire a babysitter occasionally, put together a mutual help group of other mums in the same boat. I'd fix whatever is missing where you are.

PierresPotato · 13/04/2022 15:31

Moving house itself costs money.
Think of how much you'd be willing to spend to move.
Could that money mitigate some overload issues you have now?
As your children grow would your parents have them for a period during holidays? Are other grandparents able to help sporadically?

Don't allow yourself to get bitter about what others have. It's a fools' game.

Hostaswordwoman · 13/04/2022 19:48

I would move nearer family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
greenlynx · 13/04/2022 19:55

I wouldn’t move. There is no guarantee at all that your family will give you enough support. Of course, they are saying they would but it might be not enough considering potential issues with schools, neighborhood and friends etc. You would feel exhausted and dead again only the reasons for this would be different.
How old are your children?
Just hang on a bit longer. I would look at what might improve your life in small chunks where you are.

Rrrunrunrunrunrun · 13/04/2022 19:57

In a similar dilemma and think we have decided to stay put…

NeedleNoodle3 · 13/04/2022 19:57

Stay and pay for some additional childcare such as evening babysitters. You may move and you find family don’t help out as much as you hoped.

Kezzie200 · 13/04/2022 20:04

My parents lived a few hours away and they helped with care in holidays in a more full time fashion. Sometimes they looked after them here, sometimes there, sometimes they took them on holiday and other times we took everyone on holiday. It was so useful covering the long school.holidays.

And they are really close to their (now grown up) grandchildren because they invested so much.

Rather than uproot completely from what sounds like a great life and lots of opportunities, why not try what we did?

AntiHop · 13/04/2022 20:05

I'm in a very similar situation to you. We've stayed put. I'd love to have family support but neither dh or want to live in his home town. We love where we live.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 13/04/2022 20:08

There is no guarantee that if you do move, you'll get any additional support. People can change their minds or become unwell.

Digestive28 · 13/04/2022 20:08

Stay put, it’ll be a tough few years but once at school they actually play at friends houses, go to clubs etc so need to rely on family for childcare is less. Don’t underestimate small towns and the importance of feeling welcomed/like you belong - it’s pretty awful being an outsider

IDontHaveAnOutingHobby · 13/04/2022 20:23

Dont move near family based on a promise of childcare

My DM said she would do childcare- move and I will look after the baby etc etc

Then she wanted to go on holiday, meet friends etc (all fine but she ended up doing half a day a week which was no saving at all as a full time place costs the same as a 4.5 day place- but 20 years later she still goes on about providing our childcare! )

IDontHaveAnOutingHobby · 13/04/2022 20:25

To add.
I wont be doing my DDs childcare. I will be giving her £1000 a month and she can use that to make her own choices.

Original poster
Apairofbrowneyes · 13/04/2022 21:03

Thanks for the replies so far. It’s actually made me a bit tearful to read them. Mainly just to see there’s other people in a similar position. I’m surrounded by people with family help on hand and it can feel quite isolating when you’re at a low point.

I know I need to work on stopping comparing. A few friends are having their second babies now and complaining about how much harder it’s going to be and asking if I can help out. It just makes me rage a bit inside because DC2 was born in lockdown and we had no family, no access to friends or soft play etc. And I don’t feel like I really had my chance to complain because everyone was having such a rubbish time in lockdown. Maybe this is my delayed anger and frustration at that period.

You’re all giving me a good dose of reality at what moving might actually be like. @IDontHaveAnOutingHobby we will definitely be doing the same for our children. I can’t think of a better way of helping through these years with small children.

OP posts:
PierresPotato · 13/04/2022 21:17

Could you start by getting family to help more when you are visiting them or they you?
We did most everything ourselves however I remember a really lovely meal out and night in a b and b when we left our first one overnight with the in-laws during a long weekend staying with them. My mum also was such a good help when she did visit and we would out and leave her with the children.
(And if your family aren't doing that now will they really be much help even if nearer?)

PierresPotato · 13/04/2022 21:17

You have every right to be angry about having a newborn in lockdown, it was inhumane imo.

ThatsNotMyMuffin · 13/04/2022 21:22

Will you have family support though? We live near MIL and she helps us which is great, but won't take both DC together which means we never get a proper break/night off. Also she has a lovely busy social life and little time for grandkids.

So we're moving to a much nicer location, one we've wanted for a while, all by ourselves. People are surprised but honestly I would much rather have a nice location and day to day life. Anyway my point is that being close to family doesn't necessarily mean you will have their support.

sleepishooz · 13/04/2022 21:31

I would stay where you are and be thankful that you're not a single parent without any support. Then you'd know what hard is

Etinoxaurus · 13/04/2022 21:32

Would moving free up enough money for private education?
You know the area; from what you’d written it sounds like the sort of place children don’t achieve their potential from and if you compensate for that and have family support it could be a good idea.

Redburnett · 13/04/2022 22:05

I would stay put. IME the need for family support was limited to a few crises (but obviously could be different for you). I would try and focus on what will be most advantageous for you DC as they grow up. Frankly two working parents and two young children is very tough whatever the circumstances. I doubt if moving to be nearer family would change that enough to make the disruption worthwhile.

Kite22 · 13/04/2022 22:27

100% stay put.
Your dc are little now. This is a tough time.
Soon you will all be getting more sleep.
Soon you will start to reap the rewards of the good schools.
Soon your dc will be old enough to be able to benefit from the sense of community you have and the friendships you have - you will be able to start lift sharing etc when they go to activities.
You will have more money and able to pay for babysitters, or, if your choose, other things that save you time - a cleaner , or some takeaways etc.

Don't forget, even if you chose to move, it wouldn't be instant. You'd still have to find childcare. It would be very stressful, and cost you a lot of money, to move to an areas you don't like and that doesn't have good schools.

scarletisjustred · 20/11/2022 03:04

That was us. My mum used to fly up and she stayed with us but she was an immense help. If your family aren't doing that when they stay I can't see they'll be doing much more if they are local. The other thing is that grandparents are often older these days and just aren't up to long childcare stints. Mum eventually stayed with the children when we had holidays but by that stage she couldnt have msnaged on her own so she had a fulltime live in nanny hired specially for the 10 days or so.

We did throw money at the problem - had a nanny for tbe first year for both of them, a cleaner and a gardener.

MintJulia · 20/11/2022 03:39

Moving house and paying stamp duty could cost you upwards of £30,000. And once you have moved away from the city, you're unlikely to be able to afford to move back.

How much childcare can you buy for £30,000?

Jewel7 · 20/11/2022 07:56

I think it gets easier. Once children are at school make sure you pick a school with before/after school clubs, which will be much cheaper than nursery. I had parents fairly near when mine were small but they didn’t help very much. Then my parents moved away to be nearer to their siblings. I wouldn’t want to live where they are. Bit if a mixed area and more of a retirement place. I think having small children is exhausting and it passes in a bit of a blur. If family come and stay try and use them to babysit sometimes. If you still feel the same way once the children are at school you can think again.

TumbleFryer · 20/11/2022 08:09

I would stay put. Your career, friends and schools are more important than occasional childcare. If you need time off you can pay for a babysitter. But those other things are irreplaceable.

AuntieStella · 20/11/2022 08:16

OP: you started this thread in April. How has you thinking evolved over this year?

FWIW I wouldn't move for family "support" as you can't count on it actually being forthcoming or suitable in practice