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Original poster

I can't believe I'm asking this, I had no trouble saying no to my DC when they were children...

48 replies

Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 13:22

DS1 works shifts he's due to finish at 2am tomorrow morning.

His GF also works shifts, she's due to start at 6am tomorrow morning.

Her parents are away on holiday and she is apparently very anxious when in the house alone. They have also been making the most of the empty house.

Last night he stayed at her house. This morning he came home after dropping her at work. I wasn't expecting him and it scared the living daylights out of me when "someone" opened the front door at 5:45 am. Plus that's the very worst time to get disturbed, it's impossible to go back to sleep when you have to get up 6:45 yourself. He went to bed and got up just in time leave the house to pick her up when she finished work. She's too scared to go back to an empty house, but I'm supposed to be OK with not knowing who's in my house. We had words!

Anyway , he plans to go to hers when he finishes work tonight/tomorrow morning and he's just asked if he gets a key for the back door can he do the same again I.e. come back here at 5:45.

My thoughts

  • back door makes no difference, I'll still hear him and probably the gate too.
  • If I know he's coming it won't scare me so much, but will probably still wake me
  • I complain when he's never here and don't want to push him away, but really?
  • He should just come home and go to bed when he finishes work like a normal person, surely he doesn't want to get up at 5am either
  • Or stay there until a civilised hour, even if she's not there.
  • But young love is all-consuming and prevents rational thought and for various reasons (we've both suffered a recent close bereavement) I'm reluctant to make either his or my life more difficult than it needs to be and I understand that he's leaning on GF as heavily as she's leaning on him (this also concerns me but is a whole other thread).

Do I just smile and say, just use the front door, it's OK as long as I know. Parents will be home soon so it's not forever.

Or put my foot down and deal with the devastation - he will be genuinely devastated

OP posts:
Winedad · 11/04/2022 13:23

Tell him to go back to her house after he's dropped her off. This would disturb my sleep too.

Squiff70 · 11/04/2022 13:29

"Devastation"? YABU! He's your son and it's his home. Granted young adults shouldn't treat their parents homes like a hotel where they can come and go as they please and just get fed, but you're dramatising a very simple situation. It's not unreasonable for your son to collect his GF from work early in the morning but he absolutely SHOULD be telling you in advance exactly when in the night he is coming and going and do so as quietly as it's possible for him to be. Alternatively maybe you could suggest DS spends the night at his GFs and goes go collect her from there so he isn't disturbing you when you only have an hour left to sleep before you go to work.

Mountains, molehills.

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 11/04/2022 13:30

Goodness me, does her have less right to the house than the rest of you?

Ask him to try and be as quiet as possible, but tbf is only an hour earlier than you're up anyway, just enjoy some peaceful time before starting the day.

Out of interest if he came straight back after his shift wouldn't that wake you anyway? So it's the timing of the wake rather than the waking per se?

Interested in this thread?

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Families
SpinningMeSoftly · 11/04/2022 13:30

Is he really not capable of coming in quietly without waking you up??

If he can't, then yes he'll need to go back to hers or find something else to do for an hour, like pick up some of your shopping list from a 24 hour supermarket, or sit in his car watching 'stuff' on his phone like my neighbour does while eating forbidden McDonald's meals.

EinsteinaGogo · 11/04/2022 13:30

Oh my goodness.

What a fuss!

How nice he wants to come to you house.

Original poster
Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 13:33

As I said, he's suffering from a bereavement and in love with a young woman who "needs" him to be there. Yes, he'll be devastated if he can't.

I didn't say I'll be devastated, but dealing with him in a devastated state is pretty tough, especially when you're already feeling fragile yourself and worried for his MH.

But actually @Squiff70 what you've said is exactly what I said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 13:36

It wasn't that he can't come in, it was that I didn't know he was coming and yes it scared me. I'm a woman alone in the house, are you really all telling me you wouldn't be scared if the front door opened unexpectedly during the night? I had no idea what time it was when the door opened.

But, yes my suggested solution was just to tell him it's OK as long as I know .

OP posts:
DragonMovie · 11/04/2022 13:36

I would say yes to this - it’s a nice thing that he’s doing and not long term.

Original poster
Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 13:38

@Matchingcollarandcuffs

Goodness me, does her have less right to the house than the rest of you?

Ask him to try and be as quiet as possible, but tbf is only an hour earlier than you're up anyway, just enjoy some peaceful time before starting the day.

Out of interest if he came straight back after his shift wouldn't that wake you anyway? So it's the timing of the wake rather than the waking per se?

Yes, it's the timing. Being woken at 2am is completely differentand I'll go straight back to sleep - plus I know he's coming. I was really shaken.
OP posts:
icanonlydosomuch · 11/04/2022 13:40

This all seems very dramatic and a big fuss about nothing.

Just tell him that as long as you know roughly what time he will be home then that's fine. It just means you won't be alarmed by the noise of someone coming in!

Lagattolove · 11/04/2022 13:45

Do you not like his girlfriend? It reads more that the girlfriend is the problem in your head.

Original poster
Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 13:47

@Lagattolove

Do you not like his girlfriend? It reads more that the girlfriend is the problem in your head.
I like GF a lot. I have concerns about his obsession with her (because I worry that he's relied on this relationship rather than face his grief) and the way he behaves because of her sometimes, but I see those as his "fault", not hers.
OP posts:
Lightning020 · 11/04/2022 15:22

If ds keeps nocturnal hours because of his job why not consider buying some earplugs . It is good to know what time to expect him though.

I am sure you will slowly get used to being on your own at night. It isn't insurmountable. Plenty of women live on their own and adapt very well. Good luck to you and your son ref the bereavement op.

Herejustforthisone · 11/04/2022 19:25

This all seems a bit OTT. How much noise is he making when he comes in? Why are you so shaken by it?

I think I’d much rather be woken at 5:45am than 2am, too.

Just10moreminutesplease · 11/04/2022 19:36

I think it’s polite to let the people you live with know whether you’re coming home but unless he’s stomping around and playing music I don’t think it’s unreasonable to enter your own house at 5:45am.

Qwill · 11/04/2022 19:37

Can you not just ask him to stay at hers for the duration?

Fortheloveofgodwhatnow · 11/04/2022 19:49

God, just let him do it

MiddleParking · 11/04/2022 20:16

Your son is not the one with a concerning obsession with this girl. You’re never done posting about all the ways in which her presence in his life causes you issues.

impossible · 11/04/2022 20:22

You seem resentful of your DS and his relationship with his GF. Your son is working, taking care of his GF (who also works) and asking permission to come into his home via the backdoor. He is choosing to prioritize his GF's wellbeing over his own sleep, has fragile MH and through all this is dealing with grief. He is doing amazingly well.

You're also dealing with grief, are possibly lonely and are worrying about DS but your stress is turning to anger. I really think you should stop finding fault with DS and GF. You say you have the power to devastate him. Don't do it. By the sounds of it he is already devastated.

I would say make this 'problem' as small as possible, be glad DS is in a mutually supportive relationship, and think about the real problems and painful emotions you are wrestling with. Then find someone to talk to.

riotlady · 11/04/2022 20:24

I get why you’d be shaken but given that you know it’s him this time surely it’ll be fine? Sounds like he’s old enough to come abs go as he pleases

Aconitum · 11/04/2022 20:24

I used to roll in from nights out at this time then get up for work at 8 - my poor Mum never slept until I got in.
Give the lad a break it's only for a few days and he's in love❤️❤️❤️❤️

JurasicPerks · 11/04/2022 20:34

The unexpected nature of it isnt on - he needs to let you know if its planned. But so long as he's reasonably quiet, I think you have to let it go. What happens when he comes hone after his late shift? Or is 2.30 easier as it's not as close to the alarm clock?

Riverlee · 11/04/2022 20:50

I’d rather be woken up at 5.45am, then 2am!

Going forward, could gf stay at yours?

If you know he’s coming in at 5.45am, then that won’t be so bad.

VerbenaVerbena · 11/04/2022 20:55

If he's going to her house at 2am, and she's leaving at 5am, can't he just stay there after she leaves so he can get a proper sleep?

TokyoTen · 11/04/2022 21:07

I would say as long as I know in advance, no problem. Its not forever, I do t see the big deal.

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