I can't believe I'm asking this, I had no trouble saying no to my DC when they were children...

[Silverclocks]

DS1 works shifts he's due to finish at 2am tomorrow morning.

His GF also works shifts, she's due to start at 6am tomorrow morning.

Her parents are away on holiday and she is apparently very anxious when in the house alone. They have also been making the most of the empty house.

Last night he stayed at her house. This morning he came home after dropping her at work. I wasn't expecting him and it scared the living daylights out of me when "someone" opened the front door at 5:45 am. Plus that's the very worst time to get disturbed, it's impossible to go back to sleep when you have to get up 6:45 yourself. He went to bed and got up just in time leave the house to pick her up when she finished work. She's too scared to go back to an empty house, but I'm supposed to be OK with not knowing who's in my house. We had words!

Anyway , he plans to go to hers when he finishes work tonight/tomorrow morning and he's just asked if he gets a key for the back door can he do the same again I.e. come back here at 5:45.

My thoughts

• back door makes no difference, I'll still hear him and probably the gate too.
• If I know he's coming it won't scare me so much, but will probably still wake me
• I complain when he's never here and don't want to push him away, but really?
• He should just come home and go to bed when he finishes work like a normal person, surely he doesn't want to get up at 5am either
• Or stay there until a civilised hour, even if she's not there.
• But young love is all-consuming and prevents rational thought and for various reasons (we've both suffered a recent close bereavement) I'm reluctant to make either his or my life more difficult than it needs to be and I understand that he's leaning on GF as heavily as she's leaning on him (this also concerns me but is a whole other thread).

Do I just smile and say, just use the front door, it's OK as long as I know. Parents will be home soon so it's not forever.

Or put my foot down and deal with the devastation - he will be genuinely devastated

Surely if he's an adult and lives in the house then he's entitled to come and go as he pleases, but he should be quiet and considerate of others. Definitely tell him that he must tell you if he's going to be coming in or leaving during nighttime hours, as that's just polite. However, if your son lives there and was out, surely you'd assume that it was him getting in? No-one else has a key. Very sorry for your loss.

Also, at 18 I used to get in at all hours and gave my parents many sleepless nights. I'm a lot less selfish now but young adults are a bit like that- especially in love ones.

Him coming in then is fine?

I don't understand why he'd be devastated at being asked to go back to his gfs after he drops her at work or why you're traumatised by your DS coming in 3 hours later than usual.
Neither are big issues.

Of course this:

"Do I just smile and say, just use the front door, it's OK as long as I know. Parents will be home soon so it's not forever."

Wear ear plugs! At least he is caring and wants to come home to you.

YYY to mountain/molehill from a pp.

Buy earplugs.

I'm a single woman with adult children. Some still live at home.

Since their teens they've all had keys and have come and gone as they pleased.

Good god, isn't it his house too? He's a young adult, he can come and go when he pleases as long as he's courteous about it!
Ok so he gave you a scare this morning and that's why you didn't get back to sleep, but he's offered an alternative solution and you ask to be told about any random movements in advance so you're not worried in the night.
But tell him no? Sorry but you're YABVU

It's 5.45. It's not the middle of the night. Good God woman, get a grip.

If your home is his home, and he is an adult, YABU to police what times he arrives and leaves. Have a word with him about letting himself in as quietly as possible, and perhaps get some earplugs. But otherwise it is quite odd to suggest that he not enter or leave the property at certain times.

For as long as your doors are locked/any gate secure with its bolt and windows secure then you will learn that sleeping on your own overnight really isn't a big deal. Many people the world over live and sleep alone. In time you may even prefer it. It is great that your son wants to come home.

As for bereavement issues to be honest everybody has their individual journey. Good luck.

@Just10moreminutesplease

I think it’s polite to let the people you live with know whether you’re coming home but unless he’s stomping around and playing music I don’t think it’s unreasonable to enter your own house at 5:45am.

Agree.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to tell a member of my family when they could come in and out of their own home. I would have thought you don’t really want to push him away?

I'm a light sleeper too, and it's annoying to be woken but it just can't be helped sometimes. Try to reduce the noise - ear plugs, close your bedroom door, oil the front door hinge.

I think you're being really unreasonable. I get the surprise first time, but now that you know, why is it even an issue? Just be proud that he is such a caring young man and if you can't get back to sleep, enjoy the extra hour to potter and drink tea!

You said you complain when he’s never there, sounds like he’s trying to keep you both happy

You're being bonkers.

Don't go down the road of trying to control when a grown adult is allowed to come and go from his own home.

My dad tried similar (he's very controlling) and we've barely had a relationship since I moved out as I ended up seriously resenting him and his need to have such a high level of control over the house and its occupants.

You also say you complain that he doesn't spend enough time at home but now you want to complain about him coming home at the wrong time?

This won't end well unless you relax massively and dial back the control.

I don’t see the issue as long as you know so you don’t get another fright

I think it’s fine now you realise he may be coming back in the early hours. Stick together as a family and support each other.
My DH works night shifts and will sometimes finish a shift early and yes it does wake me up but I am always glad to know he is home safely.

I don't get this. My DDs are early 20s, they come and go as they please. I do ask them to be quiet and considerate, but we've had to get used to the fact that they often keep to a very different timetable to their early 50s parents! As did we at that age!

Ear plugs!!

@Silverclocks

It wasn't that he can't come in, it was that I didn't know he was coming and yes it scared me. I'm a woman alone in the house, are you really all telling me you wouldn't be scared if the front door opened unexpectedly during the night? I had no idea what time it was when the door opened.

But, yes my suggested solution was just to tell him it's OK as long as I know .

But you're expecting that to happen now so yabu. Personally I'd expect anyone worh keys to enter my house at any time and I'm a single parent to. YABU.

It wasn’t great to turn up unexpectedly the first time. That’s dealt with now though and you’ll know who it is next time.
So, can’t see what the fuss is about.

(Doesn’t everyone tend to be a bit obsessed with the person they’re in love with?)

I think you’ve posted before and his relationship with the GF and her family?

This is probably affecting your judgement. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong by coming back home, especially now you know to expect him.