To those of you who know an alcoholic, functional or otherwise: Can an alcoholic ever 'enjoy' a drink again normally or absolutely not?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I know that every alcoholic is different so what works for one will not work for another etc etc.

But having said that do you think that's it. Once they recover so to speak it's just best to avoid alcohol altogether? So if you have a family gathering is it better to not have it in a gastro pub or whatever? Or even in you have it in a restaurant should everyone avoid ordering alcohol for the table?

I'm just trying to understand one or two things.

No they can't. That's the definition of an alcoholic- powerless over alcohol.

So no, they (we) can't drink ever.

No I don’t drink now don’t want to avoid chocolate with alcohol in rhem.

@FusionChefGeoff If you don't mind me asking were you open with people about what you were dealing with or was it hush hush? I know for example my sister doesn't want everyone to know as such as she doesn't want the fuss. We have the type of family that would make a song and dance of being supportive iyswim? So she'd rather go without the fanfare.

My husband is in recovery (9 years)How long since her last drink? early days Ide say it’s difficult to be around people drinking, but with good recovery and working his 12 step program thoroughly, he’s fine around me and others drinking now, but it took a few years, but AA program a way if life for him now, he’s only one drink away and always will be. There’s a fellowship called alanon for friends and family of alcoholics that has been a godsend for me. Her anonymity is important to her and she has every right to that, that’s the beauty of AA what happens in the room stays in the room. I wish her well. Only when you live with the madness do you realise how it’s so normal for it to be everywhere, it’s even in our local paper shop which is bonkers, there’s a spar next to it!

Pink Her last drink was on Friday night which was entirely my fault. I didn't offer her a drink but my other siblings and parents all sort of randomly decided to go for dinner this week instead of next as they'll be doing their own thing for the bank holiday.

You'd really be better off contacting Alan on to ask them for some info as you are obviously quite confused about lots of things.

My dB is an alcoholic in recovery and has been for 8 years. When he first started aa he avoided pubs because it was just too tempting but now he can and does frequently go to pubs and events where there is alcohol and doesn't drink. I drink around him frequently. He is doesn't care, of course I don't make a big deal out of it but he's fine

I told my parents, siblings, in laws and very close friends straight away. I wanted to be accountable so if people around me knew I was less likely to drink. They were also all thrilled tbh as I was a pain in the arse drunk so it was a relief to them.

Everyone else I was very vague and as I was 34 most people probably assumed I was pregnant so didn't push it. Then I did get pregnant (!) so it was very easy for a bit, then I was stronger so found it easier to be honest with most people off the bat.

Most people don't actually care . It tends to be others who have issues themselves with drink that push it the most.

There are still work situations where I'm not happy to come straight out with it but if I'm really pushed on the issue I don't lie but don't use the word alcoholic as other people find that difficult - "I just can't take it now I'm older / got kids and I've always been crap at moderation so I find it easier to cut it out completely"

She could always just lie for an easy life and go for the antibiotics line - the most important thing is to do whatever makes it easiest for her not to drink - and at this stage I'd suggest not going is the safest.

I stopped drinking 12 years ago. Last year dh and I had an alcoholic drink each to celebrate dds 18th as she wanted to legally buy us all an alcoholic drink in a bar. It was very odd because I built it up so much in my head as a huge deal but actually I didn’t enjoy it at all, taste and connotation wise. I had a few sips and then chucked the rest away and haven’t had anything alcoholic since. The thoughts are always there though. Always. But I think it shows how a far I’ve come that it’s not even an option for me anymore in my head, and I wouldn’t have one again. But generally people shouldn’t drink at all. I know I couldn’t just sit down and have one for no good reason at all and just stop. It was only because it was a very specific birthday thing.

(I went along with dd getting us all a drink because I didn’t want her to know about me drinking, she just thinks I don’t like it).

Honestly, this early in her sobriety, and especially if she doesn't want to tell anyone, I reckon she shouldn't go unless there is no alcohol available. I would be amazed if she manages to not drink in these circumstances, if the option is there. It's not even about willpower or wanting to drink (both of which can be issues at the best of times) but habit is strong, too. She's setting herself up to fail going to an occasion where she would previously have drunk, surrounded by people she'd drink with, who are drinking, none of whom know she wants to stay sober, especially when her last drink was recent.

@VladmirsPoutine

Pink Her last drink was on Friday night which was entirely my fault. I didn't offer her a drink but my other siblings and parents all sort of randomly decided to go for dinner this week instead of next as they'll be doing their own thing for the bank holiday.

Is she actually wanting to stop? Or does she think she can moderate?

Sorry I didn't realise it was such early doors so to speak.

I wouldn't imagine even those most committed to abstinence could cope with being in a pub in the early days

That’s very early days then! Far too early for her to be around it, if at all possible. Early days my husband said it was his turn to drive, or he was on strong antibiotics, or he had an early start needed a clear head to stop people asking. Gradually he told friends when he wanted to, it’s always his place to decide that, not mine. Some people in our lives still don’t know. As his AA sponsor once said to us “would you tell someone how much money is in your bank account”? So I said “no, it’s none of their business and private” and he said “so is this”.

@bagelsandbrie If she's 18 now, it's probably time to give her some clues that you can't moderate? She may find she is similar and it would help her to be aware as she becomes old enough to make her own decisions (my kids are this age)

I think the term alcoholic is used less these days. Maybe she can read some quit lit and find a good evening non alcoholic drink. In my twenties I think the majority of my friendship circle would tick the box of problem drinker but 95% of us grew out of it. We still drink, we just have our lives to moderate for us; we have to drive home, we have to get up for the school run, we don’t want a hangover so we stop at three glasses or whatever. The 5% who are still getting wasted are I guess ‘alcoholics’. One in particular tries so hard to moderate it seems white knuckle levels of effort and eventually she cracks and drinks to blackout / sick the next morning extremes and her life would be so much nicer if she didn’t drink.

A recovering alcoholic can always ‘enjoy’ a drink. The problem is that they won’t stop at one drink, they will want the bottle or two. We have two recovering alcoholics in the family and we drink when we are with them but they never have a drink themselves.

[quote GeorgeTheFirst]@bagelsandbrie If she's 18 now, it's probably time to give her some clues that you can't moderate? She may find she is similar and it would help her to be aware as she becomes old enough to make her own decisions (my kids are this age)[/quote]
Yes that is true and is something I have approached with her in terms of our family - my mum and gran were also alcoholics and she knows this. (They’re both dead now). She doesn’t know that I stopped drinking for similar reasons. Dh has always been teetotal as he just doesn’t like it so she assumed I just stopped because he doesn’t drink.

My DH is a recovered alcoholic. He stopped drinking 10 years ago and will never drink alcohol again.

He has good memories from times when he could drink safely but he doesn't associate the idea of drinking alcohol now with good feelings, just bad times. In fact he recently tried a zero alcohol beer and could not drink it because it was too close and triggered those feelings.

For social events he'll usually stay for the first couple of drinks then leave early as the mood gets tipsier. It's not that being around alcohol is any temptation, but being sober puts him out of sync with the rest of the group and he gets bored as the conversation gets more tipsy. He does miss out on social stuff sometimes but he accepts that is how is it for him.

He didn't even have champagne at our wedding - he drank the toasts with sparkling water.

He doesn't mind me drinking at all though, and there's no problem having alcohol in the house.

Nope. I'm 28 years sober and if I drank tonight I'd be dead within the month. Dh drinks (too much imo) and it doesn't bother me.

No I don’t think it is possible

I agree OP - too many social functions have the expectation of everyone drinking. I think we all need to make an effort to help out friends and family drink less, not more. I try to serve a lot of soft drink options and offer cups of tea and coffee to my guests

Alcoholics are always alcoholics. I think the word 'recovered' isn't the right way to think about it.

Think about a smoker who used to smoke 20 a day. Can they ever have a cigarette or two and then still consider themselves a non-smoker? Can a coke addict just have the odd line and it not be a big deal?

The only alcoholic I knew well is dead (from liver cirrhosis).

You're quite right about so much revolving around alcohol though OP. I hardly ever drink anymore, simply because I've reached that point in my thirties where my body seems to realize alcholol is a toxin and I really really feel it the next day, even in amounts that would have been nothing when I was 21. When you're abstaining you realize how pervasive it is, and how horribly difficult it would be for someone who was addicted.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and know lots of other alcoholics in recovery. In my experience alcoholics cannot drink normally after a period of abstinence, some may manage an imitation of it for a while but the wheels eventually fall off.

DM is a recovering alcoholic who is 40something years sober, and this, from @FJON is exactly what she says. She believes that there is no final “recovery”.

My step dad would go years without a drink - as many as about 7 or 8- but once he broke than abstinence, he spiralled very quickly to very drunk for months. Did this a few times, until he ended up in rehab.

She is comfortable with people drinking in her presence, but doesn’t keep alcohol in the house and is very particular not to touch a drop in food - Christmas cake, stews, gravies etc.

At a work Christmas lunch a colleague of mine seemed a little odd about their being any brandy in the cream or Christmas pudding so he had something else. He revealed a couple of days later that he was an alcoholic, quite a few years sober but would not risk the slightest trace touching his lips even tiny amounts in food. It was quite the eye opener.

In my families culture alcohol doesn’t play much of a part at all and some of us have that weird Asian blush thing so can’t tolerate booze. I see why it’s hard for you to gather safely though as it’s such a huge cultural thing in the UK.

My DH is an alcoholic (7 years dry) - he had a 7 year dry spell before. This time he is open to me and himself and sometimes others that he is an alcoholic. Last time he was white knuckle riding the whole thing so emotionally he was in a gritted teeth / resentment state or mind.

What broke his first 7 year dry spell was starting to have the occasional drink abroad on holiday - so only 2-3 times a year - a lager after a day skiing, a pint of Guinness in Ireland. He didn’t drink more than two pints maybe twice on each holiday. But it’s a progressive disease - then it became only a glass of wine when out at dinner once a month. I never saw him drunk. In time he was back to 2 bottles of red a night but secretly drinking when I had gone to bed. Life with him at that time was intolerable - not because he was drunk as I never experienced him drunk - but because I experienced him hung over - and I didn’t know he was hung over - just difficult, grumpy, detached, uncooperative etc.

He didn’t stop on his own - I found out. This torn round he knows he can’t have one and is fine around others drinking.