I have not left the house in a week. What do I do?

[DaffodilsandDelilah]

DS12 has HFA. He broke up from school a week ago so we are heading in to week 2 of the Easter break.

I also have DD7. DD7 goes to a holiday club during the week which she loves.

DS12 will not leave the house at all; we’ve been trapped inside for a week. He can’t be left alone and DH is away working. I am slowly going insane and I can not stand it any longer.

A few days ago. I planned us a day out to a lovely local community garden with a play area (for today). I told DS12 days ago that we were going, he needed fresh air and we needed to get out. He was reluctant but he understood. I’ve reminded him daily and explained we won’t be long, we’re going at a quiet time etc etc. We were only going to go for an hour even though I’ve paid for the full day.

This morning, he has refused to go. He’s had an almighty meltdown, shouted at me, refused to dress. He said it’s only me wanting to go and he wants to stay in.

He does no extra curricular. He goes to school , comes home , watches tv, goes to bed, on repeat. He won’t leave the house at weekends.

I lost the plot. I told him I hate living like this , I feel like a prisoner controlled by his whims and I can’t do it anymore.

Every weekend is the same of him and his routines and HIS need to stay at home. The sun is shining and all the DC are playing out or are on day trips out. I look out the window and just feel sad.

We are again inside. I can’t pop to the shops to break up the day because he can’t be left alone and he won’t come with me.

What do I do going forward? I’m so very annoyed right now and I can’t think rationally other than to go and make another fucking cup of tea to drink whilst staring out the same fucking window.

Have a "powercut" until he gets really bored. Sorry I don't know much about special needs or if that would help but if he's got no screens to occupy him he might give up and want to go outside (?) I feel for you, it would drive anyone bonkers

@whenseriouslywhen

Where does the Op say he has autism No mention at all in OP Mentions “special needs” in post 2

It says it in the first sentence hth.

@whenseriouslywhen it's the first line of her OP.

HFA = high functioning autism.

@whenseriouslywhen she mentions HFA in her opening post, which is high-functioning autism, but not everyone knows what HFA stands for

Pokemon Go is a great idea if your DS is into that - I teach a child who has HFA and will go outside for very little, but that does the trick for him. Also a walk to the chip shop as he loves fish and chips, and he loves history so he has become interested in these Treasure Trails you can download for various towns. I think he's dragged his Mum round the same trail about 5 times now but at least they can get out and she can get a nice coffee on the way.

If he likes building models, would he enjoy building with large construction? There are certain construction kits which are really outdoor toys as they're so big, he might enjoy that? Or den building?

Are there any support groups locally? You might get some more ideas there, or at least be able to talk things through with parents in similar situations.

I feel for you OP, I hope something works.

Oh I’m sorry
Missed that
Sorry

Is this a new development In terms of him now wanting to go out op?

I’m popping in and out of this thread whilst also playing with DD. for all of the responses.

I do try to encourage DS to his favourite model shop but he won’t go; his need to stay home is far greater than his need to buy more models. We have garden toys etc but he will not go out.

When he is at home, I do not allow screens until after lunch and only for a couple hours max; he spends this time researching models.

He does lots of other things at home such as colouring (his models), designing models and crafting models. His reluctance to go out is rooted in severe anxiety, he’s not being badly behaved but it doesn’t make it any easier when we can’t go anywhere.

DD has a lovely friend across our street and she spends most of her time playing out or at holiday club with the same friend. DDs friend’s mum takes her to holiday club for me. DD doesn’t seem too badly affected by not going beyond the street , but I am very frustrated. DS has already asked me to make no plans for summer .

I’m supposed to be dieting today but I’ve just sneakily cracked open an Easter egg because why not .

A few options if you have the cash could be:

• cleaner coming once or twice a week - she could keep an eye on DS and you could go out
• teen babysitter who could interact with DS a few times a week
• a nanny who could watch both children so you could save money on the holiday club

Is there anyway you can compromise? Can you take any of the building activities / lego / etc with you?

If that’s what he is fixated on he doesn’t want to do anything else but taking it with you out and finding some where for him to sit?

Also completely acceptable to eat and Easter egg in this situation

Your local church/mosque/temple probably runs a befriending scheme- they’d give you a break every week or so.

What help is he getting to help him deal with leaving the house?

Social stories can be good, lots and lots of preparation. Have you spoken to the Autism team in your locality.

Sounds so limiting. Sorry for you.

I hear you. My eldest DD is 13 and is also on the spectrum and though she will leave the house, her ideal scenario is to be glued to me as much as possible and I feel suffocated. Sending an in MN hug.

He's interested in models. Can you work with that? Are there any model clubs, or groups of enthusiasts who meet? Can you ask around? You may be looking at people who are retired rather than students.

planned us a day out to a lovely local community garden with a play area
Lovely for you, lovely for him or something you think should be lovely for him? Can he tell you why he doesn't want to go? If it's people, can't you go for a walk somewhere where there are unlikely to be people or where he will need to interact with them like he would at a play area.

Does he create his own models or build from sets? Could you phrase it as going to collect material for a natural model (forest, park, beach).

You also need to sit down and have a discussion about health, mental and physical and what you need to do to keep healthy.

No wise words from me, but from reading your posts it sounds like you're a fantastic, Easter egg sneaking, mum

I have one with HFA and since lockdown very reluctant to go out. This is anxiety driven.

Things that have got him out in the past:

Link into an obsession so if likes animals can you borrow a dog to walk or go to safari park / place with animals.

Food he likes - for mine fish and chips, ice cream, MacDonalds might work or a buffet place.

Sometimes cinema or bowling (Loves the numbers)

Asking for just a drive around and can take ipad / puzzle book / whatever working on in the car. Generally once he is in the car you can then get him to places.

When he was younger I would ask him if he wanted to go to x. Generally always got a no even if something he enjoyed. So I would say do you want to go on a mystery tour. He would say where to. I would say can't tell you then it would not be a mystery and you will never know unless you come. Then he would say OK and we would go to x. Would be fine and x and have a good time. No idea why this one worked but it worked for about 3 years.

Hope you can find something. Mine has been in all holiday so far as I am doing chemo at the moment but will hopefully go away for a night in a hotel next Thursday and told him and he seems OK with that. May get him canoeing, he likes water things.

Also sending a hug. My HFA DD went through months of refusing to leave the house other than for school. We could not both go out as it was unsafe to leave her alone - many autistic teens have co-morbid anxiety and depression, with all the harmful behaviours that this can involve . What worked for us was earning certain treats via a points-system, with going out of the house being awarded many points. The disruption of the lockdowns has made many autistic young people very insecure and refusing to go out etc. You are not alone- I am aware of various other parents in the same boat. For those posters who are suggesting zero-tolerance responses, this behaviour is driven by extreme anxiety and demand avoidance. What would work with an NT teen won’t with an ND one and can actually be very harmful.

I’m very sorry you are going through this OP, i have autistic children and have similar struggles with one of them .

Is there anyone he would tolerate to be in the house with him so you can get out ?
I understand this may not be possible and having a person who isn’t part of the family unit in the house can sometimes be overwhelming but if there’s a possibility he may agree to this is there anyone willing ? If no friend or family member maybe through an agency ?
He may not want to see or speak to them but could stay in his room and it be for a short agreed period of time and built up?

Do you have any help from camhs ? Or do you have a local support centre ?

DS has already asked me to make no plans for summer
Is this so he can stay at home or does he need you near him?

@HewasH2O

You need a break. Is it possible to recruit a nice local teenager to sit in the house with your DS whilst you go out with your DD. You may be able to find one who shares similar interests to your DS (Maths, physics, gaming etc) who is keen to earn some extra cash.

This is a good idea. Maybe a sixth-former who is revising for exams, can bring a laptop and earn some money. Is there a school WhatsApp group you could ask on? Or even a babysitter (don't call them that to your son, obviously!).

A babysitter is unlikely to work as DS becomes distressed at people coming in to his space. It would not be relaxing for all involved.

is that British understatement or can I take it literally? Would a babysitter be "not relaxing" or "a flipping nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy" ?

My gut feeling is your son does not have right to hold you hostage like this. He has to accept being out of his comfort zone. If that's merely "not relaxing" then get the babysitter in.

If it's "flipping nightmare" - you're still looking at an unsustainable situation. You will need respite care to continue to be an even half decent parent to them both.

How does DD7 get to holiday club? Do you pop out very briefly to chaperone her?

for you. My dd 11 (also ASD) was exactly the same, she wouldn’t leave the house because she was terrified of flies. This went on for a couple of years and it was bloody hard, fortunately she has teenage brothers so they weren’t stuck at home too.

She was displaying some aggressive behaviours and ended up taking an anti anxiety medication and overnight the fly phobia vanished. Have you spoken to a paediatrician?

She goes out now, she won’t do day trips but she’ll go for walks, swimming , bowling etc. Has to be a trip with some purpose, isn’t comfortable walking about looking at things, but it’s enough to keep us sane. We also receive direct payments and she goes out and does activities with her PA.
It was a long process and at the start I really didn’t think it would work but it’s gone really well. Well worth looking into, then you can spend that time with your dd without worrying about ds.

My heart goes out to you op that is so bloody hard. When you have a sn child it really can be just too hard to do things others take for granted. Can your dh give you a break at weekends to go out. Is the safety issue supervision something that could be overcome by putting practical controls in place. Would it be worth your son getting some professional help with the agoraphobic anxiety. If he is able to go to school could he be able to go out on that usual journey even at the same time for a walk around near where the school is just for some exercise. The anxiety can be helped by walking in nature so it’s a shame he is in a catch 22.