I have not left the house in a week. What do I do?

[DaffodilsandDelilah]

DS12 has HFA. He broke up from school a week ago so we are heading in to week 2 of the Easter break.

I also have DD7. DD7 goes to a holiday club during the week which she loves.

DS12 will not leave the house at all; we’ve been trapped inside for a week. He can’t be left alone and DH is away working. I am slowly going insane and I can not stand it any longer.

A few days ago. I planned us a day out to a lovely local community garden with a play area (for today). I told DS12 days ago that we were going, he needed fresh air and we needed to get out. He was reluctant but he understood. I’ve reminded him daily and explained we won’t be long, we’re going at a quiet time etc etc. We were only going to go for an hour even though I’ve paid for the full day.

This morning, he has refused to go. He’s had an almighty meltdown, shouted at me, refused to dress. He said it’s only me wanting to go and he wants to stay in.

He does no extra curricular. He goes to school , comes home , watches tv, goes to bed, on repeat. He won’t leave the house at weekends.

I lost the plot. I told him I hate living like this , I feel like a prisoner controlled by his whims and I can’t do it anymore.

Every weekend is the same of him and his routines and HIS need to stay at home. The sun is shining and all the DC are playing out or are on day trips out. I look out the window and just feel sad.

We are again inside. I can’t pop to the shops to break up the day because he can’t be left alone and he won’t come with me.

What do I do going forward? I’m so very annoyed right now and I can’t think rationally other than to go and make another fucking cup of tea to drink whilst staring out the same fucking window.

@Malariahilaria

Also have hfa ds but only 7 so joining for interest. I'm not there yet so excuse my ignorance but what would be the danger if you went for a walk for 20 mins whilst he was on his screens, so you have cameras or an alarm system he can trigger? Realise all present differently but if my ds is focussed on something he won't move for 30 mins.

I'm pretty sure the OP knows her own child and if that was an option, she wouldn't have said he can't be left alone.

This thread has moved very fast; I’m thankful for all of the posts

To answer some questions:

We do have a garden; I do use it but DS12 will not.

DS can not be left home alone for safety reasons.

DH is currently looking for a more suitable role but as he is contracted for another year, it’s unlikely to be soon.

A babysitter is unlikely to work as DS becomes distressed at people coming in to his space. It would not be relaxing for all involved.

I do sometimes venture over to the allotment across from our house whilst DS is engrossed in his models for a maximum of 10 minutes. I can see our house from there but it’s not quite the outing I crave.

The cup of tea has helped. I posted in the moment because it is incredibly frustrating and the support here has helped

Is there any chance you can convince him to play the game Pokemon Go? It's free on mobile and you essentially have to walk around and explore new places to complete all the tasks. It can be as simple or complex as you like, even a 5 min walk around the block gives you lots of things to do. I have many mum friends who all use the game to get extremely stubborn toddlers out the house.

I would find a babysitter and gradually introduce him/her to DS with lots of social stories. Start off with them coming in for a cup of tea and go from there.

You might be able to find a student who has his interests. They might be able to set up some model making in your living room and if DS is comfortable he could look in and watch.

It’s a big ask and it would be a long journey. I would maybe look to engineering departments at your local uni for students.

But you need a solution, you and DD can’t be held prisoner until the work situation changes. It’s not fair on her.

@Lightning020 first line of OP says he has HFA. And she says he can't be left alone.

I do wish people would read not skim.

I think there will be people on here who don't know that HFA = high functioning autism.

OP, are you able to think of anywhere to go locally that can link in with his interests? You mentioned model building - are there any model villages etc. nearby? Or museums / places to visit that are relevant to models, construction etc.? Or even just somewhere he can get model building supplies?

He may not be motivated by a park trip, but may be motivated by something else. I appreciate it may not be a dream outing for you, but it'd get you both out of the house and would be a starting point to build from.

Or do you think he's just generally anxious about the outing? Would it help to have a visual timetable of the steps from leaving the house to getting there to getting home again?

I know your pain. I've been stuck home for weeks on end.

Could someone from his school work as a babysitter is their own time? Someone he knows. Or introduce someone to him slowly and in his own terms? Sounds really really tough

I'm a single parent too so I have felt like I'm climbing the walls. I literally was stuck within the confines of the tiny house & garden for 14 weeks over lockdown as my son refused to walk past the front gate.

Are there any local schemes with people who are pretty good with autism? Can you change the admin password on the wifi and change the password on your wifi so people need to be more co operative?

Can school help once they reopen to ensure it's easier in future?

Can you give a very clear idea/pics of where you are going?

Can you get him out for just five minutes somewhere and then just build up?

Can you distract with some activity/purpose which you "need" done? This sometimes works for us. I will get him to carry something and bring in a gift somewhere. The real objective is getting him in/out the door.

What about a trip to a shop which sells models?

Respite is tricky as they don't want to be in the space.

Sorry I wasnt clear. Respite providers told me they were not registered with the CQC and didn't want to mind my child at home.

I absolutely get it OP. My son also has HFA and is the same although a few years older than yours.
Working from home all week means I’m desperate to get out at weekends just so I’m not looking at the same 4 walls.
It’s only very recently I’ve been able to leave my DS on his own for short periods.
A babysitter or similar would be an absolute no so I do understand.
No real suggestions I’m afraid other than to reassure you it can get easier as they get older.

Does he attend a special school or a mainstream one?

I know people, including family members, with an autistic child, but none with zero support. You do need to find someone, family or other, who can be gradually introduced to the household to enable you to go out. What if you your DD needed medical care?

Same here OP dd hasn't left the house apart from to go to school for months. I'm not as tied as you as I can walk the dog, usually when she is still in bed. It is stifling.

Not ideal, but could he be persuaded to go out with you with a tablet to watch and a pair of headphones on? Even if only to sit on a bench in a local park while you had a change of scenery. Or is there a modelling shop or modelling club you could take him to? Not exactly a dream trip for you but better than nothing perhaps?

@EasterBunnysLittleHelper

At the risk of sounding like a cow, I have pointed out to child that if parents don't seem to be functioning the local authority can take the child to live elsewhere.

I have an anxious child with autism - if you said that to him I’d have an even more anxious child, who probably wouldn’t sleep or eat for weeks or let me out of his sight. He’d remember that and ask me about that for years. You would absolutely terrify him with such a statement and yes it might get him to go out but he’d meltdown spectacularly at some point. I can’t believe you’d be so unspeakably cruel to a child, with a disability - he’s not trying to be difficult.

What would happen if you left him?

@EasterBunnysLittleHelper

At the risk of sounding like a cow, I have pointed out to child that if parents don't seem to be functioning the local authority can take the child to live elsewhere.

My asd child was told by teachers that I would go to prison if they did not go to school. This type of 'advice' is Incredibly unkind to say to a anxious asd child who is unable to suddenly make themselves neurotic typical.

Neuro!!!!!

Maybe you should be honest and say you will not be able to cope without going out some of the time.

With HFA he should be able to understand if you explain it. It goes against the grain to pout yourself first but then you'll be no good to him as a mother if you're quietly having a breakdown because you never go out.

Longer term I'd definitely be looking for a kindly babysitter that you can gradually get him used to. You have a life too.

How does the younger one get to holiday club? Would a gradual exposure thing work- go the gate on day 1, get a reward, leave the gate on day 2, reward, end of the road etc etc. if he sat with you to write the steps and rewards? How is he about going to school in term time and how does he get there?