Helping a child to buy a house

Budleaxoxo · 2022-04-10T08:03:34+00:00

DS is 21 and just coming up to the end of the second year at uni. He is currently on the waiting list to be assessed for Attention Deficit Disorder and Dyspraxia. His problems have caused him immense difficulties with his university studies and I am fearful that it is unlikely that he will pass his end of year exams this year. We are trying to think of how best to help him if he fails uni and is asked to leave his degree. We don't think that it will be good for his mental health to just return to living at home with us for the rest of his life. Also, we live very rurally and he is too frightened to learn to drive. I feel that his employment opportunities would be severely curtailed by poor rural bus services if he comes back to live with us on a permanent basis. We have thought that we would like to help set him up with somewhere to live. I have looked on Rightmove and found Shared Ownership properties that we could potentially help him to buy. We are in our 60s and have been talking of downsizing, so could use some of the equity from our home to help him buy a shared ownership property. What are the problems that we are likely to face doing this? I am not sure what tax implications there might be to financing a shared ownership property for DS? I am aware that there would be rent and service charges for him to pay. I am anticipating that if the property was in an urban location, DS could get a job to cover his rent and living expenses. I just wondered if people feel that this is a good idea or a really really bad one?

jacqelinedaniels · 10/04/2022 09:07

I think buying him a flat sounds a great idea but I’m dubious about shared ownership, is that the only route available? I think you are fine giving hefty money towards a property generally and it is only affected by tax if you died within 7 years of the gift, but I don’t know if shared ownership is the same.

extractorfactor · 10/04/2022 09:31

No idea about shared ownership or how it works.
But I think in terms of his mental health having a job far outweighs living at home. (I get what you are saying about limited job prospects with living rurally; but does he know what he wants to do?)
If he doesn't know what he wants to do, I'd suggest career coaching and driving lessons. Again I know you have said about his confidence and him not wanting to drive, but I think getting his driving license would be hugely beneficial, unless he plans to live in a decent sized city with excellent transport links.

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 10:19

Thank you both for your posts. We were thinking of helping him to buy a flat close to the centre of a large town so lots of jobs on doorstep potentially. He is fairly adament that he is too nervous to learn to drive.
I need to look into the pros and cons of shared ownership a little more I think. Helping him to buy a flat outright may be possible if we use equity in our home.

OP posts:

MySecretHistory · 10/04/2022 10:22

shared ownership needs an income for the rental part- there is usually a minimum and maximum income defined for each scheme

thesandwich · 10/04/2022 10:25

Would it be worth him trying renting first? Then alternatives may be possible without the major commitment. Is the uni supporting him? What does he want? Resitting is possible with help?
Helping him into independence sounds the best idea. What does he want to do?

CharSiu · 10/04/2022 10:51

Is he your only child and consider if he isn’t any fairness in assisting him and not other siblings.

See if he can cope living alone first and rent somewhere, only you know your child. I have a friend who is diagnosed with ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed till she was much older in her thirties and she achieved a PhD, however everyone is very different.

He will have the opportunity to resit his exams, he needs to speak to his
Personal tutor and student support services now if he hasn’t already.

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 10:53

@thesandwich

Would it be worth him trying renting first? Then alternatives may be possible without the major commitment. Is the uni supporting him? What does he want? Resitting is possible with help? Helping him into independence sounds the best idea. What does he want to do?

The uni don't know about his difficulties yet. So far, he has managed to pass his first year end of year assessments and all but one of assessments at end of first semester in 2nd year. However, he appears to have done virtually no work in the second semester and it looks almost certain he will fail end of term exams this year.

We are currently waiting for the assessment for ADD and Dyspraxia. Assessment for Dyspraxia (set for end of April) . Assessment for ADD likely to be October. If he fails end of term exams (very likely), he will explain his problems to uni and I expect will explore possibility of resits. Hopefully they may allow resits or to take the year again.

I am trying to look at backup plans if they throw him out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 10:59

@CharSiu

Is he your only child and consider if he isn’t any fairness in assisting him and not other siblings.

See if he can cope living alone first and rent somewhere, only you know your child. I have a friend who is diagnosed with ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed till she was much older in her thirties and she achieved a PhD, however everyone is very different.

He will have the opportunity to resit his exams, he needs to speak to his
Personal tutor and student support services now if he hasn’t already.

Yes, we do definitely have to look at fairness. I have a younger DD who we took out of our local comp in year 10 due to bullying and we sent her to an independent school. I therefore think that we have spent money on his younger sister in her hour of need and would hope to support DS if he needs it. It's hard making sure you treat all DC equally when they seem to need different types of assistance.

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Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2022 11:07

Of course it's lovely that you want to help your son, but in my opinion, it's too much help when he's too young. Necessity breeds invention, and by just handing him a home, I fear you'd actually be doing him a huge disservice. He needs to learn to work for what he wants. Life is hard, and you have to work hard to get the things you dream of. My kids are older than yours, and it's been wonderful to watch them develop into self-sufficient adults. Don't deny your son the same opportunity. It sounds like he could use some therapy or life coaching to build up his resilience and confidence.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2022 11:09

Not driving makes sense with potential dyspraxic. Make sure he is comfortable reading train timetables etc and maybe pay for his transport if that would help him, a season ticket or similar.

I wouldn't buy a house just yet, by buying a property it fixes you to a location and makes it harder to move elsewhere. So he may be less likely to move for jobs.

I would get him to set up a LISA and add to that for him, up to £4000 a year the government give £1000 (£1 for every £4 saved). It can be used either for buying a first home or retirement.

When my parents gave me the inheritance for my grandparents it was done with a Declaration of Trust added to the deeds, it was not a gift but a 0% loan to be paid back either monthly like rent (which I do) or if I ever sell up, they get their remaining investment back before I get what is left. So that is also an option.

Embracelife · 10/04/2022 11:11

Your ds needs to talk to his tutors now and meet with disabilities services
He should not wait til he fails
If he being assessed he shoukd tell his tutor a d explain now
He us a young adult at uni let him decide his next steps and let him know you can support eg deposit for rental etc

Buying would tie him to one location already
Maybe he can be capable of moving away himself

bellac11 · 10/04/2022 11:15

I wouldnt touch shared ownership

If you're thinking about that because its a cheaper option, buy a studio flat.

Embracelife · 10/04/2022 11:16

i am trying to look at backup plans if they throw him out

You seem to be micro managing him?

He isn't a child anymore but an adult

If he is independently going to uni

He needs support to make his decisions

he should be looking at back up plans, but if he in third year shoukd sed how he can pass and cone out with his degree so as not to waste yearsdone.
What Subject?
What does he want?

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 11:35

@Aquamarine1029

Of course it's lovely that you want to help your son, but in my opinion, it's too much help when he's too young. Necessity breeds invention, and by just handing him a home, I fear you'd actually be doing him a huge disservice. He needs to learn to work for what he wants. Life is hard, and you have to work hard to get the things you dream of. My kids are older than yours, and it's been wonderful to watch them develop into self-sufficient adults. Don't deny your son the same opportunity. It sounds like he could use some therapy or life coaching to build up his resilience and confidence.

Yes, you do have a good point with this.

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WoolyMammoth55 · 10/04/2022 11:41

OP I do agree with previous poster who said talk to Uni now.

I had a different set of challenges (terminally ill mum) during my time at Uni and it helped them to deal compassionately because they were aware/ involved with support /etc.

Don't wait for him to fail and then deal with it - speak to someone now and you take the lead if DS is overwhelmed/ ashamed. It will be a better outcome. As I understand it they are obliged by disability and equalities policies to support your son with his additional needs, but they will also likely WANT to support him.

I think buying him a house is likely not the best move, especially not shared ownership which can be "the worst of both worlds" if you are unlucky. Supporting him with deposit and first month's rent, somewhere he'd like to live with pleasant housemates and some work opportunities, would likely work out better.

Wish you all the best.

Haus1234 · 10/04/2022 11:50

I agree with PPs that it probably isn’t the right kind of help right now - you’re essentially buying him a responsibility with ongoing costs to be serviced, when he has no income. It will then be much harder for him to relocate as well if he wanted to as he is tied to one location. Helping him with rent for a fixed period would be better in my opinion.

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 11:51

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

Not driving makes sense with potential dyspraxic. Make sure he is comfortable reading train timetables etc and maybe pay for his transport if that would help him, a season ticket or similar.

I wouldn't buy a house just yet, by buying a property it fixes you to a location and makes it harder to move elsewhere. So he may be less likely to move for jobs.

I would get him to set up a LISA and add to that for him, up to £4000 a year the government give £1000 (£1 for every £4 saved). It can be used either for buying a first home or retirement.

When my parents gave me the inheritance for my grandparents it was done with a Declaration of Trust added to the deeds, it was not a gift but a 0% loan to be paid back either monthly like rent (which I do) or if I ever sell up, they get their remaining investment back before I get what is left. So that is also an option.

Thank you. This information is very useful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 11:52

@Haus1234

I agree with PPs that it probably isn’t the right kind of help right now - you’re essentially buying him a responsibility with ongoing costs to be serviced, when he has no income. It will then be much harder for him to relocate as well if he wanted to as he is tied to one location. Helping him with rent for a fixed period would be better in my opinion.

Another very good point.

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thisplaceisweird · 10/04/2022 11:52

I personally don't feel that paying for school for one child equates to making this kind of investment for the other. Your daughter could hardly choose not to go to school.

Retrievemysanity · 10/04/2022 11:55

Another one saying speak to the uni now. He’s got this far with his degree, it would be a shame to leave now. Uni’s are usually pretty good with resits and should be able to help with his disabilities.

I’d park the idea of shared ownership etc because 21 is really young so I’d be concentrating on supporting him through the degree and looking towards what he’ll do after uni in terms of a job and where he’s likely to get one.

Original poster

Budleaxoxo · 10/04/2022 11:55

@WoolyMammoth55

OP I do agree with previous poster who said talk to Uni now.

I had a different set of challenges (terminally ill mum) during my time at Uni and it helped them to deal compassionately because they were aware/ involved with support /etc.

Don't wait for him to fail and then deal with it - speak to someone now and you take the lead if DS is overwhelmed/ ashamed. It will be a better outcome. As I understand it they are obliged by disability and equalities policies to support your son with his additional needs, but they will also likely WANT to support him.

I think buying him a house is likely not the best move, especially not shared ownership which can be "the worst of both worlds" if you are unlucky. Supporting him with deposit and first month's rent, somewhere he'd like to live with pleasant housemates and some work opportunities, would likely work out better.

Wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for this advice.

I will sit down and discuss the points everyone has raised with DS and he will have to decide what he wants to do.

Everyone's comments have been very thought provoking.

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Allsorts1 · 10/04/2022 11:56

I think it’s a good idea eventually but maybe not straight away? He’s probably better figuring out what he wants to do first, from that he’ll know where he needs to live - once that’s decided you could help him buy a flat. Rather than buy a flat in a random big town and then the
Best job he can get is in a different town. He might want to travel first as well, maybe work overseas for a bit!

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 11:59

I think the problem is that if he didn't go into uni, who's to say he wouldn't do the same at work? If you are guaranteeing his mortgage or rent, that could really backfire on you.

Has he ever had a part-time job? What sort of thing does he think he'd enjoy?

Mellowyellow222 · 10/04/2022 12:11

I don’t think buying him a house is the answer. I assume he will be expected to contribute financially? Then there is running costs, tax and energy. You are also tying him to living in one place.

It’s a lot of responsibility, and a lot of control. At his age I would have felt stifled - like you had plotted out my whole life.

What if he wants to travel, do an apprenticeship in a different city. And the tricky one - meets a girl and moves her in. Are you happy to support a girlfriend too? How would that work rent wise?

Too much too coon I think. Let him find his path

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2022 12:19

Is he doing a dissertation or research project this year? If so it is probably the anxiety around this that means he is struggling at university if he has previously been fine with essay type assessments. As PP said contact the uni, ADHD and dyspraxia can both really effect executive function, he may need time management and project management skills specific to his needs to keep him on track. Hopefully the university can support with these which will allow him to develop skills he can use when he is working. Its no good putting his head in the sand and hoping he passes as these problems won't go away, coping strategies are essential.