Helping a child to buy a house

[Budleaxoxo]

DS is 21 and just coming up to the end of the second year at uni. He is currently on the waiting list to be assessed for Attention Deficit Disorder and Dyspraxia. His problems have caused him immense difficulties with his university studies and I am fearful that it is unlikely that he will pass his end of year exams this year.

We are trying to think of how best to help him if he fails uni and is asked to leave his degree.

We don't think that it will be good for his mental health to just return to living at home with us for the rest of his life. Also, we live very rurally and he is too frightened to learn to drive. I feel that his employment opportunities would be severely curtailed by poor rural bus services if he comes back to live with us on a permanent basis.

We have thought that we would like to help set him up with somewhere to live. I have looked on Rightmove and found Shared Ownership properties that we could potentially help him to buy. We are in our 60s and have been talking of downsizing, so could use some of the equity from our home to help him buy a shared ownership property.

What are the problems that we are likely to face doing this? I am not sure what tax implications there might be to financing a shared ownership property for DS? I am aware that there would be rent and service charges for him to pay. I am anticipating that if the property was in an urban location, DS could get a job to cover his rent and living expenses.

I just wondered if people feel that this is a good idea or a really really bad one?

Whilst I fully understand the concerns about doing "too much too soon" and how this might impact negatively on his desire to succeed /be independent and strive etc. It's very important to consider the impact that anxiety and neurodiversity can have.
I know more about asd than add but the statistics for employment for autistic adults are sobering. I realise of course this will include people with learning difficulties and profound and complex needs but still important not to overlook how much more challenging work and independent living can be for ND people.
For example, coping in a house share may be much more difficult than living in a self contained flat. (Increased noise, social demands, other people's expectations etc.). I don't know where you are but renting a flat could be extremely expensive and use a portion of your equity that you will not get back and your ds may still not be in financial position to take over the responsibility.

If he's ND he may need to work fewer hours or need to work in a role that suits him over being well paid etc.
These are factors that affect everyone but if he's ND they can have a much greater impact.
His earning capacity may be affected by his ND more than by his ambition or work ethic.
Taking one element of stress away (accommodation costs) may enable him to live and work independently, when placing thst demand on him as well may tip the balance and cause it all to fail.

@LosingTheWill2022 I don’t disagree with what you say, but the OP is proposing shared ownership so the DS will not have zero accommodation costs and would still be paying rent.

[quote Haus1234]@LosingTheWill2022 I don’t disagree with what you say, but the OP is proposing shared ownership so the DS will not have zero accommodation costs and would still be paying rent.[/quote]
I understand what you are saying and it's sound advice @Haus1234
My post was more in response to concerns raised e.g.
Necessity breeds invention, and by just handing him a home, I fear you'd actually be doing him a huge disservice. He needs to learn to work for what he wants. Life is hard, and you have to work hard to get the things you dream of
Tough love like this may not be so straightforward for ND individuals. Life is already hard for him and possibly much harder than anyone realised because until now he's coped / succeeded.

I agree with others it's too soon to be thinking of this. He is 21 and just starting out in life. Most young people rent/ house share for a few years if it's not convenient to live with parents. Anything could happen - he could get a job in a different town, he could meet a partner and have joint income etc. It's way too early to be tied to one to one town because you have bought for him close to home.

I agree it's too soon. Supporting him with getting help with uni is fantastic advice, but moving out is not something to force now. I bet there is tonnes you can still teach him about running a household, cooking, finances while he's still living with you. You can work towards it for a long time before he has to take the plunge.

Maybe think about it if he's still with you at 25.

@LosingTheWill2022

Whilst I fully understand the concerns about doing "too much too soon" and how this might impact negatively on his desire to succeed /be independent and strive etc. It's very important to consider the impact that anxiety and neurodiversity can have. I know more about asd than add but the statistics for employment for autistic adults are sobering. I realise of course this will include people with learning difficulties and profound and complex needs but still important not to overlook how much more challenging work and independent living can be for ND people. For example, coping in a house share may be much more difficult than living in a self contained flat. (Increased noise, social demands, other people's expectations etc.). I don't know where you are but renting a flat could be extremely expensive and use a portion of your equity that you will not get back and your ds may still not be in financial position to take over the responsibility. If he's ND he may need to work fewer hours or need to work in a role that suits him over being well paid etc. These are factors that affect everyone but if he's ND they can have a much greater impact. His earning capacity may be affected by his ND more than by his ambition or work ethic. Taking one element of stress away (accommodation costs) may enable him to live and work independently, when placing thst demand on him as well may tip the balance and cause it all to fail.

This is a very insightful post. It is his neuro diversity issues that keep me awake worrying about him. I am worried that his organisational skills are so poor that he is the sort of person who could easily end up homeless if he didn't have anyone looking out for him. We are approaching retirement age and won't be around for ever.

I think, taking on board everything everyone has said, we will wait for outcome of the Dyspraxia assessment and then DS can hopefully share the outcome with the university before he takes the next set of exams. I am probably jumping the gun trying to plan too far ahead. There is a fine line between support and trying to take over as some of you have rightly pointed out.

@Budleaxoxo
You are very right about the tough love thing being difficult with neuro diverse individuals. In the past, when I have tried to get tough with him it has just made things much worse. DS just can't handle pressure, stress or criticism of any kind. His teachers at secondary school complained bitterly for the entire length of his time there because he never did any homework or revision for exams . When we tried to get strict and make him do his work, he made an attempt to take his own life. Its just so difficult as he is very emotionally fragile.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

Is he doing a dissertation or research project this year? If so it is probably the anxiety around this that means he is struggling at university if he has previously been fine with essay type assessments. As PP said contact the uni, ADHD and dyspraxia can both really effect executive function, he may need time management and project management skills specific to his needs to keep him on track. Hopefully the university can support with these which will allow him to develop skills he can use when he is working. Its no good putting his head in the sand and hoping he passes as these problems won't go away, coping strategies are essential.

No dissertation this year for DS to do. DS is anxious as he hasn't kept on top of the workload for his course. DS's sleep schedule is so poor that he was not getting up until the afternoon and therefore missing lectures. Not getting round to catching up by listening to the online lectures later either.

Now DS is at home for Easter he hasn't done any academic work at all. He is either overwhelmed/bone idle or maybe a combination of both.

If he turns out not to be able to sustain a job, owning a property might mean he can't access benefits.

Oh gosh, how worrying it must be for you.

I agree that he needs to talk to uni asap about his difficulties, and get them to agree that you can be involved in any discussions. It’s great that he has a dyspraxia assessment coming up - hopefully he will get a dx and that will enable him to get additional support/dispensations.

I also agree that it is probably better to wait and give time to see how things pan out for him. He may well be able to finish his degree, he may be better placed living at home with support for the time being, he may not be able to cope with a full-time job, or the responsibilities of managing a budget, etc.

It is very difficult to see your son struggling, but it sounds like he needs time to come to terms with his difficulties and find ways of managing them with your and uni support.