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Original poster

Should we, or is there a good way to, intervene when witnessing verbal abuse?

32 replies

percypig · 09/04/2022 15:20

I’m just back from a supermarket and am pretty sure I made a bad situation worse - am kicking myself and would love some advice to do better next time.

A family of 4 were sitting on a bench outside the entrance/exit, probably waiting for a taxi. I was waiting to get in (a few people being v slow to go in) so was stuck beside them for less than a minute. In that time the man (looked older than me, so late 40s) was loudly and persistently abusive to his partner - swearing at her, telling her she was stupid, having a go at her for something unclear.

The boy stuck between them (around 7) looked miserable and scared, the woman looked tearful and was avoiding looking at him, focused on the toddler in a buggy.

I don’t know why, but I paused, then spoke to him first, asking if there was a reason he was being so abusive - he told me to piss off, then started justifying it, that she wasn’t answering him. He said something like it was nothing to do with me - which is true! I replied that I was just concerned he was talking to her like that in public in front of the children. He swore at me again, I asked her if she was ok, she kind of nodded but wouldn’t make eye contact - he answered loudly she was fine.

I walked inside wishing I hadn’t said anything, but mentioned it to some staff who were standing near the door - they seemed to understand and said they’d keep an eye out.

Anyway - I think I did totally the wrong thing and am worried he will lash out at her when they get home. I think I shouldn’t have said anything - but then, that’s how abuse like this is so prevalent - because we look the other way. Maybe I should just have asked her if she was ok?

By the way - I really understand that all relationships can have heated moments - DH and I have had our fair share of arguments, especially in the earlier years of our relationship and marriage. But the fact that we was being so awful, so loudly, so publicly kind of shocked into doing something I normally wouldn’t.

So, does anyone have advice about how to better handle such a situation?

OP posts:

Quirrelsotherface · 09/04/2022 15:47

For what it's worth, I think you did a great thing in speaking up. So many people these days turn a blind eye. Think positively and maybe, just maybe it will make him think twice.

ElenaSt · 09/04/2022 15:59

I usually keep out if it but once I did walk past a woman sobbing whilst her horrible partner was screaming abuse at her because she had reversed into a bollard and made a small dent or scratch to their car and I told him loudly that her driving skills can always improve but he’ll always be a fat, ugly slob.

That caused others who had stopped for a gawp, to laugh at him and he piped down and they got back in the car with him driving.

He didn’t put his seat belt in so one can only hope they had to do an emergency stop on the way home.

Original poster

percypig · 09/04/2022 16:03

Thanks for the encouragement (though that wasn’t why I posted!)

Like you ElanaSt I initially spoke to the man, and like you was hoping it might make him see his behaviour differently. Not sure whether it was the right thing to do or not though.

OP posts:

Itsbackagain · 09/04/2022 16:09

Well done you - more people should do this. Hopefully you've given him and her something to think about. Yes, he might lash out but it would only be a matter of time before he did anyway. I would say your intervention was worth it, might make her see the light quicker.

emuloc · 09/04/2022 16:13

@ElenaSt

That caused others who had stopped for a gawp, to laugh at him and he piped down and they got back in the car with him driving.

He didn’t put his seat belt in so one can only hope they had to do an emergency stop on the way home.

So you humiliated him in front of people? Who do you think paid the price for that?

bloodywhitecat · 09/04/2022 16:15

I think you did the right thing and while I don't think it will make much difference to his attitude toward her it might help to give her some clarity.

saraclara · 09/04/2022 16:27

@ElenaSt

That caused others who had stopped for a gawp, to laugh at him and he piped down and they got back in the car with him driving.

He didn’t put his seat belt in so one can only hope they had to do an emergency stop on the way home.

OP, of you're interested, the above is what you absolutely shouldn't do. That guy is likely to have beaten his wife up when they got home, because he will have seen his humiliation as her fault. Causing strangers to laugh at an abusive man is as dangerous as it gets for his partner.

Original poster

percypig · 09/04/2022 16:32

The point about it helping the woman to see the reality of her situation is a helpful one, which I hadn’t thought of. Still concerned he may take out potential humiliation on his partner or children though, which is why I’m still wondering is there a better approach?

OP posts:

viques · 09/04/2022 16:35

You never know, feeling that someone thinks the way she is treated is wrong might be the spur she needs to start thinking about moving on. It is easy to start to believe the abuse you are given and lose sight of what is real and what is abuse.

saraclara · 09/04/2022 16:36

I think that if I was brave enough to say anything, I'd talk to the woman rather than the man, and quietly and calmly ask her if she's okay, and if she needs any help.

Neverreturntoathread · 09/04/2022 16:36

The horrible truth is, I don’t think there is anything you can do, unless you actually call the police. And they usually handle situations like this poorly.

And yes my worry is he will take it out on her for ‘embarrassing him’

There is zero chance of an abuser deciding to become less abusive because some random woman told him off, unfortunately.

LubaLuca · 09/04/2022 16:38

I once spoke up years ago on a train when a man was verbally abusing his partner. I said "You do know we can all hear you? Have a think about what you're doing." He hissed something back at me, I don't know what he said, and he did shut up, but I know I probably didn't make anything better for his partner. With hindsight I know I should have kept out of it, but it was upsetting lots of people and I acted without thinking. I really hope she didn't hate me for it, but I wouldn't blame her if she did. I was naive and unaware.

Original poster

percypig · 09/04/2022 16:40

Neverreturn that was exactly my feeling afterwards. Like saraclara said I think I should have just spoken to her, but it was kind of easier to speak to him if that makes sense because he was the loud one looking in my direction, she was avoiding eye contact with anyone.

It is a ‘horrible truth’ that there’s probably no point in saying or doing anything, that feels wrong though.

OP posts:

EmergencyPoncho · 09/04/2022 16:46

I think you did a good thing really, in at least, you'll have told the woman that that wasn't right. And the children. Who knows how he will react later, he's clearly a bully and will most probably justify his actions to himself.

EmergencyPoncho · 09/04/2022 16:49

Maybe you're right emuloc and saraclara. But I'm not sure he'd have let you get close enough to calmly and reasonably ask if she was ok. And quite patently, she would be unlikely to tell the truth.

33goingon64 · 09/04/2022 16:55

I can't believe it's better to ignore it completely. The victim of the abuse will just think they must deserve it if no-one bats an eyelid and carries on. It must feel dreadfully isolating. I agree you don't want to do anything that makes it worse for the victim. If it's possible to catch the eye of the victim and give a sympathetic smile and maybe ask if they're OK, that must be the best way of highlighting to them that what's happening isn't OK and someone would help them if they asked. I wonder if giving 'a look' to the abuser might help too, so they know they've been heard. If they then start asking what your problem is, you could say 'you're being verbally abusive', which is cold hard fact and isn't referring to the victim. Lord knows what would happen them but at least you've put a name on what they're doing.

emuloc · 09/04/2022 19:43

Bump

Northernsouloldies · 09/04/2022 19:53

If someone doesn't care about being abusive in public and they are humiliated in public especially by the opposite sex. You can be assured that's going to be tenfold behind closed doors. Step in only if necessary. I grew up with it, fucking horrendous.

spiderlight · 09/04/2022 19:55

This article gives what looks like some sound advice - this most relevant bits to this sort of situation seem to be the last two points:

Speak only to the victim.

"The best thing to do is to speak directly to the woman, because it reminds her that she has options, that she's a person," says Arthur. "For her, this is embarrassing. They have a lot of shame about the situation, they keep it a secret. She believes it's her fault. So, speak supportively, warmly."

Directing your words toward the victim does two other things: First, it starves the abuser of attention. In some cases, as in my experience, they will simply walk away if they don't get the feedback they desire. Second, it demonstrates coping behavior that the victim could mirror. "Show her what it looks like to ignore him," Arthur says.

Make sure the victim has someone to help her.

"Ask if there's anybody she wants you to call," Arthur recommends. "These guys sometimes take their cell phones." In my case, the victim's phone was dead. So I sent her a text message that she'd receive whenever she could find a charge, to make sure she had my number. "Giving them a lifeline to the outside world and outside of the abuse is the best thing you can do," Arthur says.

Original poster

percypig · 09/04/2022 20:04

That’s really helpful spiderlight and confirms my later instinct that I maybe shouldn’t have said anything to him.

Northernsoul I’m so sorry for your experiences, but thanks for sharing your perspective

OP posts:

winterchills · 09/04/2022 20:28

I actually think well done. Poor kids having to listen to that.

winterchills · 09/04/2022 20:28

@ElenaSt 😀love this

Jobsharenightmare · 09/04/2022 20:35

I would have loved for someone to have said something when my ex verbally abusing me in public as I didn't know that's what it was. However, I would have needed them to say something to me not him or he'd have taken it out on me. Something like " what's happening here is abuse - do you need any help because I can call the police for you right now?" I would have then made a huge fuss and possibly told you to mind your own business (ie minimise to save my ass as really wouldn't have been able to leave him just like that) but inside it could have helped me realise what I needed to see.

Northernsouloldies · 09/04/2022 20:37

Percypig... Thank you for your kind words.
Winter chills... That's a wee bit simplistic (the kids having to hear it). Looking back at dv through a child's eyes, I remember what a wrong word or comment could end up as and I don't want to go into detail. It didn't stop at shouting.

Downton57 · 09/04/2022 20:45

My drunk ex-DH was being very abusive while we were in A & E. A nurse came over and told him not to dare speak to his wife like that, ever. I was mortified, but it was a wake-up call. Not for him but for me.

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