Should we, or is there a good way to, intervene when witnessing verbal abuse?

[percypig]

I’m just back from a supermarket and am pretty sure I made a bad situation worse - am kicking myself and would love some advice to do better next time.

A family of 4 were sitting on a bench outside the entrance/exit, probably waiting for a taxi. I was waiting to get in (a few people being v slow to go in) so was stuck beside them for less than a minute. In that time the man (looked older than me, so late 40s) was loudly and persistently abusive to his partner - swearing at her, telling her she was stupid, having a go at her for something unclear.

The boy stuck between them (around 7) looked miserable and scared, the woman looked tearful and was avoiding looking at him, focused on the toddler in a buggy.

I don’t know why, but I paused, then spoke to him first, asking if there was a reason he was being so abusive - he told me to piss off, then started justifying it, that she wasn’t answering him. He said something like it was nothing to do with me - which is true! I replied that I was just concerned he was talking to her like that in public in front of the children. He swore at me again, I asked her if she was ok, she kind of nodded but wouldn’t make eye contact - he answered loudly she was fine.

I walked inside wishing I hadn’t said anything, but mentioned it to some staff who were standing near the door - they seemed to understand and said they’d keep an eye out.

Anyway - I think I did totally the wrong thing and am worried he will lash out at her when they get home. I think I shouldn’t have said anything - but then, that’s how abuse like this is so prevalent - because we look the other way. Maybe I should just have asked her if she was ok?

By the way - I really understand that all relationships can have heated moments - DH and I have had our fair share of arguments, especially in the earlier years of our relationship and marriage. But the fact that we was being so awful, so loudly, so publicly kind of shocked into doing something I normally wouldn’t.

So, does anyone have advice about how to better handle such a situation?

Lndngirl I’m not sure if you actually read the thread, or even my posts before commenting. If you had you’d see that I definitely wasn’t ‘pleased’ with myself, instead I recognised the potential danger and was sincerely asking for advice.

I’m sorry that this thread has made you so angry, do you have any constructive advice?

@ElenaSt do you think he actually 'piped down' and on the journey home they had a chuckle at how silly he was to make such a scene like a nice couple in a romantic comedy or do you think maybe he 'piped down' with white hot rage and drove off with the woman he was comfortable enough to berate and make cry in public? Do you think that went well for her later? Was she laughing along with the gawpers? Do you have any idea of the feeling of spine chilling, stomach churning fear when a passer by gets involved in a dv situation? I do, and I would ask you to reconsider before doing something like that again- if they were able to sort it out between themselves and it all be a one off as a result of some kind of stressful situation that wasn't the norm for them and they'll apologise to each other for overreacting later they'd do that without an intervention like that from a stranger. If that's not the case and that was an abusive relationship you will very likely have made things much worse, do you think he would take being berated and laughed at well or do you think it would be her fault?

Thanks for raising this OP as I didn’t know what I should do either in this situation.

[quote winterchills]@ElenaSt 😀love this[/quote]
Unbelievable. Have you no idea?

It happened to me once. Dd was packing the car with shopping, I was putting trolley back, man starts being abusive to woman also packing car. Dd very distressed. We called the police. By the time they got there he was pushing her out of the way, police witnessed it and he was arrested.

You absolutely did the right thing.
When bystanders ignore this type of behaviour, it normalises it.
I spoke up in a similar situation a while ago. I was with my family in a fast food place, listening to this man's loud verbal abuse toward his partner, and eventually I just blurted out how unacceptable and disgusting it was, etc. Can't remember exactly what I said now! All of a sudden, other people started clapping, which shows we were all thinking the same. He shouted some abuse at me and then stormed out.
Then a group of us went to spoke to his partner. She thought it was totally normal and 'not that bad'. After that, the staff took over (not sure why they didn't step on in the first place).
I also worried what would happen to her when she got home, but what's the alternative?
I didn't want my child to hear that kind of language and think it was ok - so I had to try to stop it.