Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would younleave 19yo DS2 home alone in these circumstances?

29 replies

Silverclocks · 08/04/2022 14:47

Yes, I know he should be perfectly capable of taking care of himself and he is in every practical sense, but I'm very worried about his mental health.

DH, his dad died less than a year ago and it has recently become clear he isn't coping at all well. He's having a lot of problems at work (of his own making but originating in him not coping), he seems to have abandoned contact with friends and never leaves home except for work, he's not taking care of himself re diet or personal hygiene, he lies a lot to make me think things are OK when they're not. He's lost interest in all the things he used to enjoy.

Anyway I'm supposed to be going away with friends next weekend and until recently was perfectly comfortable to leave DS1 and DS2 (as I should be at 19 and 21!).

My parents live just round the corner, so are usually there for emergencies, but they'll be away too. They've asked DS2 to go with them, they're doing something he used to enjoy, but he won't go.

The other people locally who I'd call for help if he needed it while I'm away are coming with me!

DS1 will be around, but working and very tied up with GF, so whilst they might be here taking advantage of the (almost) empty house, they won't be paying much attention to DS2.

Additionally, DS2 has become very bad at answering his phone or replying to messages, so if I try and check on him while I'm away, I'm likely to end up even more worried.

Some of it is just plain awful behaviour, but rooted in trauma (I think). The events leading up to DH's death were very traumatic for everyone, but I think DS2 got the worst of it and he turned 18 during it all.

I don't know what to do for him, but for now I'm wondering if I should go next weekend?

OP posts:
ssd · 08/04/2022 14:48

I wouldn't leave him

yellowsuninthesky · 08/04/2022 14:49

I think if you are that worried, you either don't go, or you tell your other son to not see his GF for a weekend and look after his brother. It's only a couple of days.

Littlemissprosecco · 08/04/2022 14:53

I’m sorry things are so hard for you all at the moment. Mental health issues are so worrying in teenagers. It doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of reliable support that weekend, I’m sorry but I wouldn’t go.

urrrgh46 · 08/04/2022 14:57

No...I don't think I would go in those circumstances. Could you go away together? I don't think you'd enjoy it anyway if you're so worried about him.

Moonface123 · 08/04/2022 14:57

l am very sorry for your loss.
My son suffered from anxiety and panic after my husband died very suddenly. He started avoiding things and school became a nightmare. His mood became very low, and made no effort re his appearance. l think your son would benefit from talking to a doctor, these symptons are very common after a devastating loss. As for leaving him, l' m not sure, you know your son best. l feel for you because you deserve a break away after all you' ve been through.

urrrgh46 · 08/04/2022 14:58

Also , so sorry you lost your DH 💐

LittleDidSheKnow · 08/04/2022 15:08

Gosh this is so difficult. Sounds like you could do with that weekend away.
I agree with a PP: could you ask your older son to be around, postpone seeing the GF for a bit and look after (discreetly) DS2?
If not, I'd probably cancel in your position.

I'm sorry you're all going through this.

Original poster
Silverclocks · 08/04/2022 18:43

I'm a bit worried about making DS1 "responsible", not sure if that's fair on him, especially of something awful did happen.

When DS2 got home from work I suggested that as it was a nice afternoon we go out for coffee and cake and he actually agreed without hesitation Shock We walked 30 mins to the coffee shop, spent at least 40 mins chatting over coffee, then he suggested we go to Asda and pick up something nice for tea. OK so it's Chinese ready meals, but at least it's an actual meal, not toast and sweets and he volunteered to pay!

We had a really nice couple of hours, he was good company and had lots to talk about current affairs etc. I purposely didn't mention anything about work.....and now I'm even more confused about what to do for the best!

OP posts:
Babdoc · 08/04/2022 18:48

Personally, that sudden cheerfulness would make me even more concerned, OP. Depressed patients who have an active suicide plan often “perk up” just before making the attempt, as they feel a sense of relief that their depression and stress will soon be over.
I would fear that your DS may be planning an attempt knowing you will be away. I hope I am completely wrong, but I wouldn’t want to gamble on it.

NuffSaidSam · 08/04/2022 18:49

In some ways the sudden change for the better would worry me even more!

It's a really hard one.

If something were to happen it could happen anytime, you're not with him 24/7 so the weekend doesn't really make a.huge amount of difference practically. But if it were me I think I'd be too worried to actually enjoy my weekend away.

Sorry you're having such a hard time.

NuffSaidSam · 08/04/2022 18:50

@Babdoc

Personally, that sudden cheerfulness would make me even more concerned, OP. Depressed patients who have an active suicide plan often “perk up” just before making the attempt, as they feel a sense of relief that their depression and stress will soon be over. I would fear that your DS may be planning an attempt knowing you will be away. I hope I am completely wrong, but I wouldn’t want to gamble on it.
This is exactly what I thought, but didn't want to say!
sjxoxo · 08/04/2022 18:53

I wouldn’t go. Is there a way you can take him along where you are going? Perhaps a change of scenery would do him good. I think you’re right to be concerned- I’m not thinking he is necessarily at rock bottom but it sounds like he is struggling like you say very probably from grief. So Sorry for your loss. Young men don’t have much outlet for emotion & mental health issues so I would be cautious xox

Gowithme · 08/04/2022 18:59

I wouldn't go OP, I doubt you could enjoy it for worrying and imagine if something did happen, you'd never forgive yourself. Has he had any support with his dad's death? Any counselling? Would he go? Has he spoken to a doctor? Would he go with you if he couldn't face it alone? is he on AD's? I hope he can open up and get the help he needs from somewhere soon. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you all.

Midlifemusings · 08/04/2022 19:10

Has he been assessed for thoughts of self harm?

If he is just going to spend the week in his room, going to work, not eating well or showering or seeing friends - then I would go. Sounds like that is status quo for him and while you might not be there to encourage him to take better care of himself, a week of poor self care is fine.

If you have concerns that he has thought about hurting himself or has hurt himself or no one has spoken to him about that, then I wouldn't leave him.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/04/2022 19:22

So sorry for your loss.

I'm going to go a bit against the grain. Also a parent of adult child with mental health issues. I think I'd still go, but would ask sibling to maybe arrange a night in with ds as some brother time. If your son does want to hurt himself, and I sincerely hope he doesn't, he could do it at anytime, even if you're there. You can't monitor his every mood and action, even when you're both in the same house, and trying to wrap him in cotton wool and cancel your own life could possibly make him resentful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Couchpotato3 · 08/04/2022 19:26

Could you sit him down and tell him that you are worried about leaving him for the weekend? It might allow him to open up about how is is actually feeling?

sunshinesupermum · 08/04/2022 19:28

Sorry OP but I'd be staying home with him Flowers

PinkSyCo · 08/04/2022 19:32

I was going to say the same as some previous posters. His sudden change of behaviour would very much worry me. I hope we’re wrong, but keep an extra close eye on your DS and, as much as you probably need the break, I don’t think you should leave him right now, sorry.

bellac11 · 08/04/2022 19:35

Has he talked about not wanting to live/be here/wants to escape his feelings or the world?

Is he flat or clinically depressed or actively thinking about suicide.

Is he self harming

Those things would indicate to me whether I would go or not. I agree with the previous poster though, unless you consider that you are going to be with him 24/7 including following him to work its not feasible to think he can never be left.

Xpologog · 08/04/2022 19:39

I wouldn’t leave him. I’m sure you’re finding the approaching anniversary difficult, he will be too. I’ve found the run up to the anniversary worse than the day itself.

Nelliephant1 · 08/04/2022 19:39

I wouldn't leave him.

I've had similar concerns about my son but we've stumbled upon the fact that he tends to talk when we're out for a run in the car. He's able to put his music on, talk if he wants to or doesn't talk if he doesn't feel like it, but it is a way of communicating that he had things on his mind.

Sometimes it's 6pm that we go for a drive sometimes it's 2am but whenever he wants to go, we go.

If you and he can find the key to what works for him, it'll help massively.

PinkSyCo · 08/04/2022 19:44

Has he talked about not wanting to live/be here/wants to escape his feelings or the world?

Is he flat or clinically depressed or actively thinking about suicide.

Is he self harming

Often it’s the people who do none of these things that sadly go on to take their own lives.

Original poster
Silverclocks · 08/04/2022 19:45

He hasn't said he has thoughts of self harm and when I recently asked how he'd rate his general sense of wellbeing/happiness he said 7/8, which I was surprised by (I said I'd been asked the same in a work wellbeing exercise, which was true, I said 6!).

We have several avenues offering counselling, but he point blank refuses to engage.

I don't really think he has suicidal thoughts, but I work with distressed teens and we lose too many, so it's always at the back of my mind.

OP posts:
PatientlyWaiting21 · 08/04/2022 19:47

He needs help ASAP, please don’t leave him and please don’t ask your other son to look after him.

totallyoutnumbered · 08/04/2022 19:48

Utterly heartbreaking for you all. I'm really sorry for your loss OP. I'm a natural worrier when it comes to my children and watch their mental health like a hawk tbh. I don't think I could go away and relax personally but agree with the others and maybe talk your concerns through with your other son. You do deserve some time to yourself. I realise how conflicting what I just typed is. A really difficult one for you 😞x

Swipe left for the next trending thread