Time to lower expectations re. my birthday?

[Myturnatlast]

My 50th was in lockdown and I did nothing which was disappointing but I did get lots of lovely messages and cards which sweetened the day.

My 51st this year and my lovely daughter made lots of fuss of me, and again I had lovely messages, texts, etc. But my friends, and (newish - 4 months in) boyfriend didn't make any fuss of me really and I'm feeling sad about it. My usually very generous boyfriend didn't even buy me a gift, just a card and a couple of drinks.

I do blame myself for telling everyone I was just happy that people thought of me on my birthday but I didn't expect this little fuss, although looking back it's only ever been my daughter, my sister and my ExH (for all his faults) who made my day special.

Is it time for me to grow the hell up and stop expecting people to make a fuss of me? It's only a birthday, everyone has them and I guess I need to get used to the fact that at my age not many people are going to be as excited about it as I am.

Still a bit gutted that my fella only got me a card but don't want to look grabby by bringing it up as I'm not materialistic at all, a £1 bunch of daffs would have been better than nothing! If we're still together next year I'll be making sure he knows I expect at least something though...

@daisyjgrey

Fucking hell, nothing more depressing than people on MN talking about how birthdays don't matter. "Why would anyone care about the day you were born?" "I haven't had a card in years" etc.

What miserable lives people lead.

Agreed!

WombatChocolate
Our posts are complete opposites!!
I love birthdays and celebrations but not only my own.

I am definitely not child like. I have a job that is really good fun at times but at other times quite harrowing and disturbing and occasionally we need to go through a debriefing to make sure we are ok
That said, I like to have things to look forward to whether it is a trip to theatre or art gallery, new restaurant, a gig any excuse to be around people that are enjoying themselves.
I don't think it is about being needy though. It's nice to have people around you that like to make an effort for you, to think you are worth spending money and time on getting a card or a present.

I have loads going on in my life and plenty to think about but I do also enjoy a good birthday.

I think I take after my nan. She loved a good get together!!

Yanbu but I think you've got the right attitude, let it go this year with your bf and nmake expectations more clear when it comes around next year.

With friends, maybe yabu a bit. Among my friend's, its the person whose birthday it is that organises a get together if they want. I'd definitely make the effort to go though.

I think it’s time to take control of your own birthday and arrange what you would like to do.
I like to make a big deal of my big Birthdays and arrange a party and a holiday. For other birthdays an overnight stay in a hotel or a night out with friends is always good.
I really don’t get this passive waiting around for people to make sure your birthday is lovely, it’s even worse when they say they don’t want a fuss and then are let down when people don’t make one.

Only on MN are you no longer worthy of a gift the second you hit 21.
If my DP got me nothing he’d be ex DP.
I’m not a materialistic person, it doesn’t have to cost lots, it could cost £2 if there is some thought to it. But Christmas and birthdays are a big deal for me!!

Some posters have low expectations of their DPs. I fully expect a gift and a fuss - e.g. a meal
out or night away - on my birthday. From friends I'm not bothered but from a boyfriend, absolutely!!

@WombatChocolate how on earth is childlike to take the day off for your birthday? if I get 30 days leave per year, why on earth wouldn't I want to spend my birthday doing something lovely, rather than behind my desk like every other day? Life is short!

@Cotherstone

why not??

BurrageBrook, suppose I think of having a lovely day, as something arranged with family and friends, but not focused around myself or the need for it to be on one particular day. I have lots of lovely days with family and friends when we go for meals, days out and do fun things and go on holiday. I just don’t need it to be especially about me. But some people do. Some people want a big thing made of them on that day and to be the special one - want others to make effort with gifts, time devoted to them and planning in advance by others. Those people want affirmation and focus on them.

It’s fine of course and if that’s what people want to do with their holiday from work, of course. For me, I guess I don’t think of the day itself as requiring something special. If I’m at work, the day speeds past anyway as I’m so busy and perhaps I will do something in the evening with family or friends, or maybe at the weekend, or maybe I won’t. I certainly wouldn’t spend the day at work thinking that I was having a bad birthday because I was at work and could be doing something else. I guess I also feel like this, because if big efforts are to be made or days off work etc, because you don’t usually do stuff alone, it then requires famiky or friends to take a day off too. We are so busy and struggle to fit in all the holidays away we’d like and the other things that are important to us, like visiting family or things that have to happen in particular days of the year, that I’d feel it was a bit if a waste or unnecessary to take a whole day off for my birthday…when whatever activities you want to do then could easily happen in the evening or a nearby weekend. I get that some people want to be spoiled and some really need that a lot. I suppose I just don’t have any sense of that need. If my DH has got me a wonderful gift that took loads of effort and really something pretty simple, I’m fine with it and don’t think it’s particularly a measure of his love for me. Likewise with friends arranging activities or joining things I’ve planned - it’s neither here nor there for me.

But we’re all different and some people clearly take this birthday stuff very seriously and want others to as well.

You don't need a massive fuss made of you, but your partner needs to up his game. He could at least have bought a small bunch of flowers or your favourite chocolate bar etc. I think you deserve more from him.