Grief- what gets you through?

[Kanfuzed123]

Lost my dad over the summer for months after I couldn’t say the words.

Grief hits me here and there without warning. The fact that this person, who I knew no longer exists, no grave (cremated and ashes scattered) is what I can’t wrap my head around anymore.

What gets you through your grief?

Knowing that behind every grey sky, there is blue sky and a rainbow waiting.....

Trying to turn things around and accepting that although that special person was no longer there, I was lucky to have them in my life for so many years.....

When I lost my partner I found some friends and family were brilliant but in different ways. For instance one friend would offer to take me out to various places for the day to "cheer me up" and would never ask how I was or get into feelings etc with me. As I had other people to cry with that was just fine.

It was the mind blowing stage of "how can everyone's lives just carry on whilst X isn't here anymore?!" that almost drove me nuts.

The memories you have of them get you through. But only once the agonising raw part is over.

Sorry for your loss.

I agree it's time, although I've been having counselling for nearly a year.

I lost my beloved Dad in 2017. He was a fit and healthy 71 year old. Definitely went too early. It was missed bowel cancer. I was numb when he went. I was incredibly angry. However I just ploughed my energy and love into my mum. I don't think I ever properly grieved for Dad.

I was so proud of her. She embraced the unexpected life she'd found herself in - she joined clubs, made new friends, got a part time volunteer job. Was healthy and active.
Then during the first lockdown she had a problematic urine infection that never cleared up. She was dead within 3 weeks. Again cancer. It was so sudden the doctors weren't even sure what kind of cancer it was or where it started. We couldn't visit in hospital, but we were lucky that they sent her home to die. It was horrible, shocking and intense - but also weirdly I wouldn't have missed it.

I do have a bit of PTSD from what went down and what I witnessed. I found that I literally couldn't talk for weeks after she died.
About 6 months later I started thinking about counselling. It's been incredibly helpful. It started off as bereavement counselling but is now pretty much about everything!

And yes, along the way I've totally re-evaluated my life - especially friendships. Some of the closest friends to me (or so I thought) acted extremely selfishly and without any empathy or feeling. Left me completely alone. Other, new or less obvious 'close' friends really gave me just enough space but never left me drift completely. One very new friend made me go out for a walk with her 3 times a week - she said we could talk about anything and we did - the news, Netflix box sets, podcasts, and sometimes my parents. I cherished those walks.

So now I feel almost like a different person - I have a new understanding about myself. I have lots of health anxiety that I have to manage. I feel quite a bit of anger towards one particular friend who has spectacularly let me down and I've come to realise I was in a very toxic friendship with for 20 years.
Some acquaintances/friends conversations/dramas now just don't interest me now and I've pulled myself away. I can't nod and pretend as well as I did before.

Life's too short.

Sorry that was a huge ramble. Basically, grief WILL come in waves. I had a MASSIVE meltdown last week because my dog was ill - full on hysterical crying, snot everywhere, ranting and raving for about an hour (my poor husband). It really wasn't actually about my dog.....this is what grief does for you.

You've read the Grief 'Waves' poem right? That was the only piece of writing I read that helped me.

Lastly, I'm so sorry for you loosing your lovely Dad OP. It will get better and you'll never stop loving him ❤️

Sorry it's not a poem - it's a piece of prose. I think I saw it googling a bereavement help page late one night. Apologies if you've read it already. It described things quite well to me.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
^In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.^

Grief is one of those things that we will all universally go through but never gets discussed.

I lost my dad just over 2 years ago and my heart still breaks for him - he was far to young to go.

There is no correct way to deal with it and it can be very isolating at times - because you just want people to understand fully what you are going through. But, they can't. Even in my family, my mum and my siblings have dealt/ are still dealing with it in very different ways.

My main thing was journalling. It helped me to process what I was thinking. There is an app called Momento which was fantastic.
I also talk to my Dad - initially I didn't because I felt I was talking to thin air. But after a few drunken nights out, I came home and sat with his ashes and talked to him as if he were there. The morning after I would always think I've gone mad, but in time I realised releasing all I wanted to say to him helped.

There's a quote from a book which helped me through my darkest moments - the Boy, the mole, the fox and the horse which I have printed next to my bed it says:

What do we do when our hearts hurt? Asked the boy.
We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time until they make hopeful and happy again!

It is the truest thing I ever did read, turn to people you trust and buy that book - you won't regret it!

@housemaus

Can I just say how beautifully you've written about grief. It really is something we have to feel.
The wound analogy is also perfect, your post really resonated with me.

OP - I'm very sorry for your loss. Remember your Dad, talk to him & be kind to yourself.

I’ve lost both my parents and the thing that gets me through it is knowing they no longer suffering and hopefully together now

I'm so sorry for your loss OP .
I believe grief is very personal and yet unites us. It is something we all will experience.
My Mum died aged 59 and my Dad aged 71. My daughter was 2 and 13 respectively when she lost her grandparents. I think it also depends on your family around you and how you deal with it. When my dd was 2, she was old enough to know my mum wasn't there but too young to really understand where she had gone and that was heartbreaking. At 13 when we lost Dad, it was awful - she had such a close bond with him but being a teenager, she shut me out - each death was equally difficult for different reasons.
You never 'get over' losing someone close, you just learn to live your life around it. Of course time plays a big part but even now (they died 2005 and 2017), I am caught off guard - a memory, a saying, a song - and I'm back in that grief - it's just not quite as raw 💔

It's almost 18 months since loosing my mum. Some days are better than others. Antidepressants have helped.

But then I dream about her. It feels so real. I dreamt the other day that we were shopping in a market, and I said to her slow down as she was walking quickly and she had a lung condition and she turned around and said, but I'm fine now. It's brought a tear to my eye thinking about it again.

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s really horrible and grieving is exhausting.
Don’t feel you have to anything, everyone is different, everyone’s grief is different. You could pick from any of these that I found helped when my DH died in a RTA?
Talking helps, talk about your dad to people who knew him, if you can.
Talking online in a message board community might be helpful. I found one called Merry Widows and it helped me so much at the time, and for a few years after.
Look after yourself, eat well and stay hydrated. Grief drains you.
Some days are days to cry. You recognise this after a while, and you learn to roll with it.
It’s called a rollercoaster of grief because that’s what it’s like, so many emotions, you feel dragged down by it, dragged along by it. Everything you’re feeling is normal. There’s no right way or wrong way to grieve.
Be kind to yourself and take one day, even one hour, at a time. 💐

Time❤️

I lost DH very suddenly- only time gets you through. Unfortunately lots of society seem to put a totally unrealistic and rigid time on how long you should grieve for. However- whilst grief does not fully go away, you do get there and learn to live around it. DD (who was 8 when her dad died) are currently away so she can ski and laughing and living. At first the pain was so unbearable- living a life we did not want and having no control at all. Not big anniverseries but the whole change in the feeling of the house, routines, dynamics. We have got there now but it has not been easy and has taken a several years.

I read somewhere that it takes about four years on average to process the loss of a loved one. In my experience that seems about right.That's not to say that it doesn't get easier over the first few years. It does. But the first year or so is tough. My Dad died when I was fairly young (he was in his late forties). I remember finding the six month ish mark quite painful because I wanted to move forward but I was scared of letting go of memories or of them fading. I was scared of not remembering his face or voice. And for a while these things did become fuzzy around the edges. But now my memories seem clearer again and more focussed. Allow yourself time and occasions to grieve, interspersed with time off from grieving if possible (i.e. plan nice things to do/holidays etc). The calm app has a grief section which might be useful to you. X

@tintodeverano2

It's almost 18 months since loosing my mum. Some days are better than others. Antidepressants have helped.

But then I dream about her. It feels so real. I dreamt the other day that we were shopping in a market, and I said to her slow down as she was walking quickly and she had a lung condition and she turned around and said, but I'm fine now. It's brought a tear to my eye thinking about it again.

I can relate to that about the dreams as I'm sure many others can. It's like the opposite of a bad dream, you wake up after an awful dream, so glad it isn't true - then you have a nice dream about your loved one and so wish it was true. It can take a moment to realise they've gone 🥺. I like to think it's their way of saying they're still with you.

@Dameputtingonabraveface

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I very nearly lost my husband to Sepsis when my children were very young ( one just months old, the other was five). He ended up in a coma for weeks on life support. It's been a long recovery, but we are so incredibly grateful. I just feel so sad for all those who were not fortunate enough to get the same outcome as us.

Lost my dad three years ago and, like others, time has been the biggest healer. He was young and had a short illness. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and I can't believe he's actually gone. Other days it feels like forever.

I talk about my dad a lot (with family, friends, colleagues etc.) and it really helps to remember all the fun and happy times we had or to think exactly what he'd have to say about whatever I'm up to in my life.

I also talk to my dad a lot which helps. In the beginning I would visit his grave or other places that reminded me of him as I felt closer to him there but more recently I talk to him wherever I am. I wear a necklace he bought me when ill and I never take it off.

Most importantly just be kind to yourself. Some days it helped me to fill my days with all sorts of activities or to make lots of future plans (and act "normal") as a distraction. Other times, I'd just want to stay home to do nothing and generally let myself feel crap which was also fine. There were days I had to take 10 mins away from my desk at work or go a walk alone just to think, clear my head or find a bit of composure. Whatever works for you, just do it.

I felt so lonely after my dad died. So many people sent sympathies but once the funeral is over, everyone quickly goes back to normal and unless you've experienced the loss of a parent you just don't understand what someone is going through. Lots of friends withdrew (maybe they didn't know what to say) and those that didn't often said the wrong thing. If you've got someone who just lets you talk and listens that can be therapeutic. I spoke to a counsellor from a charity related to my dad's illness and they were a fantastic outlet that helped me process.

Threads like this where I could read about other people's experiences also helped me feel less alone.

You might not know what you need just yet but you'll get a feel for it day by day. Just do as you feel and don't put pressure on yourself to get back to normal.

Stay strong OP. Don't be afraid to cry or grieve. Exercise, water, yoga,fruit smoothies, log burners outside, hot chocolate, any kind of chocolate, a pet, art class, lavender bath and shower washes, lavender under the pillow, deep breathing, lean on family and friends,talk,medication if nothing helps, massage once a month, comedy nights, comedy films, moisturise, tidy home, nice temperature in the home, sleep, fresh sheets and time time time that will help you

Ah i wanted to do that, keep some ashes for a ring or an eternity stone but my mum wouldn’t let me :(

Do you have any items of his ? You can have an item of clothing into ashes and put into a jewellery item. You can have any of his clothes turned into a patchwork bear

My ddad died in October, the grief just comes in waves but for us it's mainly caused by sadness that he's not there when something happens that we know he'd have liked or been really pleased about. I may be different to you because my dad was 96 1/2 years old when he died, we'd all thought he was doing amazingly for his age - still driving, a bit deaf but still fully functioning, just getting slower. We knew realistically that we wouldn't have him for much longer. Then he got me to get him a GP appointment, mainly because he was coughing a lot and breathless. Once I broke through the covid barrier they were good to be fair. Turned out he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer, he knew there was no way he could fight that and win. 12 days later he died. I moved in with him the day after diagnosis so got to look after him and sort everything out so he had nothing to worry about. He'd been living on his own for the past few years a few miles away from me. Many of his friends came to see him plus his younger sister and her family - everyone he wanted to say goodbye to really.

So I'm still really sad and liable to have eyes that fill with tears when I think of him, but really he had a great death. He went downhill very rapidly but was still managing to get himself to and from the loo on his own, walked down the stairs to get into the ambulance taking him to the hospice (the final 48 hours) and generally faced his end in great style. Telling us what he wanted at his funeral which was a bit surreal. Still compos mentis as he liked to say, right up until the final day.

I wish you all the best, they saw it gets better with time, but I'm not quite there yet. It would have been his 97th birthday on 14 April, we're taking some of his friends out for lunch and to raise a glass in his memory. I loved him very much and I've only got good memories of him.

I wish you all the best and hope you start to feel a bit less raw very soon xx

I’m not sure anything ‘gets you over’ grief…
Time allows you to not be so shocked, to become accustomed but that pain can surface unexpectedly. We loved them greatly and dearly this is the price we pay.
I don’t want to get over my grief, it is part of the love I continue to feel for those I have lost but they would want me to live my life as I will want for those I leave behind and in so doing we honour those who made us who we are, they are always part of us. In time I hope you understand this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. X

@PatsArrow thank you for sharing that. It has really resonated with me! X

@tintodeverano2

It's almost 18 months since loosing my mum. Some days are better than others. Antidepressants have helped.

But then I dream about her. It feels so real. I dreamt the other day that we were shopping in a market, and I said to her slow down as she was walking quickly and she had a lung condition and she turned around and said, but I'm fine now. It's brought a tear to my eye thinking about it again.

I relate fo this so so much.

When I lost my Nan before, I was in such a fierce stage of denial when she was in hospital that I was so so angry (my mother routinely would give panicked phone calls saying she was dying and to come down quick all to find out she’d exaggerated for the drama and the attention, something she later did with my father, the last time with my Nan was probably the 5th time she’d done it so i just didn’t believe it) so when she died it was a huge shock. When I went to bed that night, I dreamt of her in this clean bright room and I recall saying but you’re not here you died, and she said yes she had and then I apologised for being angry and she said it was ok. Probably a bit ‘out there’ but I do believe she came to me.

So when I lost my dad, I remember thinking ‘it’s ok, I’ll see him tonight in my dream, he’ll come to me’ . I didn’t and I was heartbroken. But weirdly my husband, who wasn’t even with me did. He said he had this weirdly clear dream, my dad in his place on the sofa, at x mas, wearing a red jumper and a blue check shirt, he told him to take care of me because I’d find this really hard. I was so upset I didn’t get to have that dream. Weirdly though, the blue check shirt and red jumper is what he’d gone to hospital in and was the last thing he wore (hospital gown and cremation suit aside).

The things you hold on to eh?

@Howmanydaysuntilfriday

Ah i wanted to do that, keep some ashes for a ring or an eternity stone but my mum wouldn’t let me :(

Do you have any items of his ? You can have an item of clothing into ashes and put into a jewellery item. You can have any of his clothes turned into a patchwork bear

Unfortunately I have nothing.

But I’d love to turn his clothes into a patchwork bear for each of my kids. They’ll never get to know him, so I think that would be nice, thank you for mentioning!

@CharSiu

Time, my DD died coming up to 9 years ago. I was an absolute wreck for a year and could hardly function. The grief is not so sharp now.

You need to not think about them all the time and distract yourself.

My heart goes out to you @CharSiu