Grief- what gets you through?

[Kanfuzed123]

Lost my dad over the summer for months after I couldn’t say the words.

Grief hits me here and there without warning. The fact that this person, who I knew no longer exists, no grave (cremated and ashes scattered) is what I can’t wrap my head around anymore.

What gets you through your grief?

Time mostly. Lost my dp recently and its more painful than anything else I could possibly imagined.

Do you have siblings you get on with who you could share photos and stories of your father with? Kn whatsapp so you can have a group and all share old photos and memories. Sorry if you dont have siblings and that idea is not good.

Yeh but mostly time and hope each passing day its a tiny bit easier.

It’s so so difficult. I too lost my dad. It was extremely sudden and very public and my pictures etc were in papers etc. this was 2.5 years Ago. Ur dad passing not even a year ago ur grief is still so raw. In the beginning I just had to take each day at a time n sometimes just each hour at a time: I talk about my dad often. A few things ppl told me that stuck were it will never get easier but u will get stronger so it seems that way and also that my dad is no longer physically here and he was only young so I have to keep going and live it up as best I can as he isn’t able to. It is brutally hard but u will get there. Have you got close family or friends ?
My dad was also cremated and I didn’t want the ashes scatters but my mum and sibling did so they were. I did keep some which was made into a ring that I never take off. Sending you love. If u r really struggling speak to GP too x

I can't offer much advice OP, only my sincere condolences. My darling dad died just over 3 weeks ago. It's so terribly painful. At the moment the only things that help a little are spending a lot of time with my mum and sister, or else distracting myself by watching TV/Netflix, just getting through the days and accepting this is how i will feel for a while.

I talk to dad too (when I'm alone), I tell him I love him and miss him (then I cry some more, I'm still crying a lot).

I'm so sorry, OP.

Weirdly, for me, I think understanding that the grief isn't an abnormal reaction that needed to be fixed helped. I was supposed to be sad, I was supposed to be hurting - they were signs of a normal grieving process, and of the love I had for someone, and I decided not to spend too much time trying to make it 'go away'.

If I got that 'hit by a tidal wave' feeling one day I didn't immediately go and distract myself with something else, I just kind of allowed myself to go, oh I'm really really fucking sad right now and I just want a minute to sit in this sadness and think about the person who's gone and BE sad about it. That made it so that grieving, even the most raw and unexpectedly painful parts, became something I was living with, not trying and failing not to have. It made it easier for me to feel like I could handle it: yes, I was very very sad, and yes, I could keep going anyway, rather than feeling like it had stopped me in my tracks and I couldn't on with my day/week/month/life until I didn't feel like that any more.

The 'not there any more' is a weird one, isn't it? It doesn't seem like it could possibly be true that someone so important to you just ceases to exist. When someone very close to me died, I read this at their funeral and it made that part feel less scary and sad to me: You want a physicist to speak at your funeral...

And finally - the most annoying, boring, answer, but time. The stop-and-catch-your-breath painful moments come less and less often, you can hear their name without it feeling like a kick to the stomach. Then there's maybe a period where you forget a bit more, for longer periods, for a while - and it's nice because it's not all-consuming, and then the guilt of forgetting hurts a LOT again, but you realise it's starting to heal.

My therapist describes it as a old injury (a slightly gory but apt metaphor I think) - for a while when it's fresh, every time you knock the scab off or rip the stitches by thinking about it or being reminded, you open the whole wound again and it bleeds and it hurts a lot. Then after a while, it starts knitting itself back together and it might still be painful but it's less so, most of the time, but if you really poked it it'd hurt, or re-open slightly. And then, eventually, it becomes a part of you that's not the same as it was before but it's still there, and it might occasionally twinge but you've learned to live with the scar.

You get there eventually. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime, and let it be what it is - if it hurts, it hurts. It doesn't need fixing, because it's part of the healing process.

Time. Knowing that my Dad wanted to go- he had alzheimer's. Knowing that my mum was fed up with her failing body and mind. Knowing that somewhere they are together. Sometimes talking to them. Mindfully turning my thoughts to happy memories not sad ones. It will get easier.

I’m so sorry for your loss @lemongreentea

@MrsSugar

It’s so so difficult. I too lost my dad. It was extremely sudden and very public and my pictures etc were in papers etc. this was 2.5 years Ago. Ur dad passing not even a year ago ur grief is still so raw. In the beginning I just had to take each day at a time n sometimes just each hour at a time: I talk about my dad often. A few things ppl told me that stuck were it will never get easier but u will get stronger so it seems that way and also that my dad is no longer physically here and he was only young so I have to keep going and live it up as best I can as he isn’t able to. It is brutally hard but u will get there. Have you got close family or friends ? My dad was also cremated and I didn’t want the ashes scatters but my mum and sibling did so they were. I did keep some which was made into a ring that I never take off. Sending you love. If u r really struggling speak to GP too x

Ah i wanted to do that, keep some ashes for a ring or an eternity stone but my mum wouldn’t let me :(

I lost my beloved dad almost a year ago. It's still raw, at odd times it hits you, random things trigger me.

I feel most a peace when doing the activities we loved, namely gardening. I'm still often a blubbering mess but better.

Sorry for your loss.

Lost my mum 7 years ago and my dad 4 years later. It's hard. Sometimes I think I was in denial too long. Was especially close to my mum but she was extremely poorly and couldn't carry on. My dad had dementia alongside a host of other things.

I think time got me through and the pets who relied on me, I had to keep going for them. I still talk to my mum as though she was sat in the room with me, still shout for her help if I get stuck with things.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, do what is right for you. Grief knows no time limits. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute even.

I am sorry , i know how you feel , my dad has been gone 5 years and it feels like yesterday .
I can't describe how time in my experience hasn't seemed to move on.
But i do know that it gets easier ,life will never be the same but there is still happiness to be found.
I refuse to think about my dad's last days , when i feel my mind going there i have some wonderful happy memories of him which i can immediately replace the bad ones with.
We talk about him a lot , i am not religious but i do believe there is more to come and that i will see him again , and i do speak to him in my mind , some people may laugh at that but i dont care grief is personal and individual and you have to do whats best for you.
How you describe your disbelief is exactly how i felt , probably for a good year or more ,and grief does come in waves just when you least expect.
I hope you find some peace in time , it really is a hard thing to be going through.

So sorry for your loss, It’s so hard, we lost MIL last summer too. It’s really difficult, some days are better than others. We miss her so, so much. MIL was such an important part of our family, the only GP our DS’ had and like a mum to me. Time is the only healer, and it takes lots of it.

I've lost both parents over the last 3 years. I hold onto the fact that if they remain in my head and my heart they will always be with me.

Time

Time
When my dd died I was completely numb and closed myself off from any help.
Everyone deals with grief in their own way.
Talking about dd with family and friends helped me I also had counselling.
My life changed forever when I lost my daughter but my family got me through the worst time of my life.
It's 6 years and sometimes it still hits me that she's gone.

I think you just need to be kind for yourself. One day at a time. It is so so hard and raw. Over time you learn to live with it. Take it slow. Reach out to friends. There is grief conseulling too - Cruse, but no short cuts. We grieve because we love. One day you start smiling and bit, then you go back and so forth

I have no fucking clue. I am just muddling through each day, I am 5 weeks in and finding each day harder, I brought DH home this week and I haven't told anyone as I am not ready to split his ashes up yet. Being outside helps me, sometimes I just stand on the doorstep and breathe. I have two babies here (we foster, or rather, I foster) and they make me smile every day and help to remind me that, no matter what, life goes on.

It gets better. It really does.
It's weird things that I still get upset over. Not having a prawn cocktail at Xmas (because we only had them because he loved them ) etc

Break routines so things are done differently is my advice.

Time, acceptance and the reality that you can’t change what’s happened and have no other choice but to move on.

I also appreciated that I was alive more, I have what they lost and shouldn’t spend it miserable.

I sadly think that believing they’re around in some capacity just makes it harder to accept they’re gone too.

Nothing can take away your memories op. You’ll always have those, until you are one day not here yourself.

I don’t know really. I’m so sorry.
I lost my mum a year and a half ago, she had a horrible death and no visitors (pandemic) and I still cry every day. In some ways I feel worse now than a year ago, reality sinking in I guess.
I’m functioning normally, no one would know.
The cremation plot hasn’t brought me any comfort, the person is in your memories, photos, the stuff doesn’t really matter.
Talking to the right people has helped, colleagues have been really great, better than friends and it’s difficult with family as they are all carrying the sadness and I end up consoling them.
I’m waiting on time to help me really.
Big hugs op, it’s shit x

Time. It sounds trite but it really helps. I lost my dad 16 years ago, and in that time I can look back and say just be you. Let yourself go through the stages of grief, and find your own way forward. For me, it was having my children, and focussing on the future, knowing I would always be glad of the dad I had, just sad I didn’t have him longer, and believe me, it was raw, painful, animalistic hurt. But now, it’s more like when you throw pebbles in a pond, and the ripples gradually go further apart and weaker, then every now and then a strong one takes you by surprise. But, you can and will move forward and take the best of the one you have lost with you, keeping them alive through photos, memories, and that feeling of being alive -that’s when you will remember them and all they were.
I have had much grief in my life, through miscarriage, bereavement and other types of loss and adjustments. It does get better, but it takes time, kindness and eventually mindset. 💐

Thanks to all for sharing their stories. I’m truly sorry for your losses. It’s shit, there really is no way around it.

Did you find ‘friends’ disappeared post loss, they took longer to answer your texts (if they answered at all), made excuses to not meet and or never really checked in to see how you were doing?
I think I’ve found that one of the hardest things, how alienating loss can be.

I never really let myself think about my dad until now and things are just creeping back like how we used to go to Disney world and he had this massive 90s camcorder he used to carry around with him, on his shoulder, i swear motion pictures are made with smaller cameras. How he used to take me to little chef (I loved it, don’t judge me I was a kid lol) and we’d have a breakfast, I never liked egg yolks and only liked whites so we used to trade.

In life I had complex feeling towards him, anger and frustration in many ways as he routinely made really really awful choices with his health that ultimately led to where we are now. But I do miss him terribly

As others have said, it is time ultimately. In the short term, I found keeping myself super busy whilst my subconscious processed it helped, then counselling once the dust had settled to come to terms with the loss including all the hard decisions that had had to be made (and I was then second guessing) and conflicted feelings connected to our relationship (the latter with my F).
I lost DM 7 years ago and my F 5 years ago. It is still very raw sometimes TBH, but not nearly so often and it passes more quickly. It feels like it only happened a year ago.

Is all the stuff sorted with their estate and belongings? I found things got a bit easier then as I wasn't having the near-daily reminder from others.

Only time I’m afraid. It’s a hard lonely time. I found that even if a few of you are grieving, your grief is very much yours and yours alone and no one understands what you’re feeling.
Friends who haven’t experienced it had no idea and my best friend was noticeably absent (she is generally great but has not lost anyone close so I put that down to inexperience and not knowing what to do or say).
In fact, I had more comfort from a stranger when we got into a conversation.
I think it was a case of looking for calm peaceful moments and living in that moment. Cupping a hot cup of tea, feeling the softness of my cat’s fur, the warmth of the sun on your face, enjoying those moments and in time those calm moments get more frequent and longer. Dad died 8 yrs ago and I still have my down moments.
I also found great comfort in threads in the bereavement section. Posters could put their feelings into words far better than me and I felt that they were on the same page as me.
Most of all, be kind to yourself and look after yourself, it’s still early days. 💐

Time, my DD died coming up to 9 years ago. I was an absolute wreck for a year and could hardly function. The grief is not so sharp now.

You need to not think about them all the time and distract yourself.

"Did you find ‘friends’ disappeared post loss, they took longer to answer your texts (if they answered at all), made excuses to not meet and or never really checked in to see how you were doing?"

Yes, absolutely. Now the funeral is done and dusted people seem to be expecting me to move on. One true friend has been an absolutely diamond but most people either don't know what to say, are scared of upsetting me or just plain don't care I am not sure which it is but it hurts.