Fabulous Childfree Women, please tell me to bring meaning into my life.

[MoonbeamSprinkles]

I was always on the fence about having children but for a whole host of reasons I’ve recently made the decision not to have them.

But for some reason this has put me into a bit of a tizz.
It’s like because I’ve made the decision I now need to make sure I have the most FABULOUS child free life ever.
Like I have to prove that my life is wonderful so people don’t feel sorry for me.

All of my girl friends are having babies at the moment and I feel really left out. I get a pang whenever someone says they’re pregnant, it’s not jealousy it’s more like grief that they are going to another life stage and leaving me behind. I’m sad that I’m losing my friend.

I have brilliant friends who have babies but it’s like we’re not walking in sync in the way we used to. I still love them, they love me but it’s just different.

Also I am extremely lucky in that I have a job I love and am proud of, that brings me a lot of joy.
I only work at the weekends and in the evenings so I spend a large portion of the day on my own. I spend most of the time in the gym but all the people there are either retired or have small babies so I’m a bit of anomaly.

I want a bit of excitement. My life is wonderful and I feel so ungrateful for saying this but I think I’m a bit bored.

I also feel sad that I’m not going to give my parents or my in laws the grandchild I know they are desperate for.

If you’re child free how do you deal with these things and what do you to make your life fabulous?

Moonbeam, I'd be up for that! Sounds like a perfect holiday......

It’s so interesting isn’t it @Roseglen84 I know there’s a difference between people see me and my husband.

The attitude to my husband is that he’s dodged a bullet; lots of ‘living the life’ comments his way.

But I’ve noticed I’m starting to get sad head tilts and people trying to be ‘understanding’

OP first forget not giving anyone grandkids or whatever, that's not your purpose. If my kids have none, then good for them, they're enough as they are.amd it's their life.

Aside from that...travel, concerts, reading, sleep ins, disposable income, new hobby, train for an incredible charity run/challenge/life changing event, movies, etc?

@Roseglen84

Where it’s different is he doesn’t feel the societal pressure to conform as much as me as obviously he hasn’t been socialised as a woman.

Yes, the pressure is different for women I think. One of my best friends has been with her boyfriend for about 12/13 years, they live together but are not married and do not (and aren't going to) have children.
Over the years she has been asked countless times about getting married, why they don't have children etc. Especially at family weddings, she used to get the 'are you next?' bullshit, mostly from other women.
Not so much these days as they have been together so long and I think people have given up asking .

As an aside, they have happily been together for longer than some acquaintances whose weddings they attended, but I digress...

My point is that in all this time her boyfriend HAS NEVER been asked, not once. Not Ever!

He doesn't give a shit anyway, but I think part of the reason he is able to not give a shit as much is that he just doesn't have the same expectation put on him.

Women get hounded with this stuff constantly, so it does feel like more pressure to have to 'defend' your position.

My husband has been asked if he has kids and says no he doesn’t want them and he gets comments like good for you/I wish I hadn’t/I’m so jealous/you’re so lucky etc.

When I say I don’t want them I get why what happened to you/you could always adopt you know/what’s the point of you then/what will you do when you’re old and your husband leaves you for someone younger (I am old, so I don’t know why they say ‘when’ I’m old, but so far he hasn’t left me for anyone else and he’s old too so if he wants to, he’d better hurry up!) etc.

You're putting yourself under WAY too much pressure OP.
I'm 38 and definitely went through this a bit when I was maybe 32-34, where I did lots of soul searching, wondering "Does my life have meaning?", "Whats my purpose?" and thinking I need to work with children, I need to mentor someone, I need to volunteer!
Then one day I thought, "Fuck this shit, it's more than enough that I'm a decent law abiding, kind person who pays my taxes!" I don't need to be more than that.
As for 'fabulous', I have no desire to lead a fabulous life. I lead a nice, simple life doing things I enjoy. DH and I enjoy the outdoors - running, hiking, mountain biking, road cycling. I love working on our house and garden. I love walking our dog. I love watching TV!
I thought I wouldn't manage to have any friends without kids, but it turns out I have quite a few because, having no kids, I can be flexible and make myself available at relatively short notice for a night out or a bike ride at the weekend if a friend gets the green light for a couple of hours to herself.
As for your concerns over thinking "am I happy enough, is this it?", I'm comforted by the fact that my mum friends think this too!

Sorry this should read "with kids"....

"I thought I wouldn't manage to have any friends without kids"

I will also add that barely anyone, including my own parents, has ever asked me about my 'status' and I've only had shit from one person - years ago, when she was drunk and her marriage was in the process of breaking down.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You are not a baby making machine. This is purely your decision and your reasons are your own. Tell that to anyone who questions you, including family.

You have the means and opportunity to do anything you like. Take some time, experiment with different places, hobbies & pastimes, maybe volunteer, gain a new qualification, think about starting your own business even!

I promise you, the questions do stop eventually.

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

I’m 34 so I’m a bit comforted by the fact that this seems to be a usual blip that happens at this age.

I think I’m in the swing of a full blown mid life crisis (albeit an early one) I’ve got my teeth fixed, got Botox, bought a brand new car, learnt to swim and got a new haircut.

I’m fairness I have to say that my family don’t ever pressure me.
On both sides they’re very respectful, it’s completely in my own head.

'I suppose it’s a bit like a midlife crisis.'

That's certainly how it felt to me! I was really secure about being childfree forever in my 20s, then something changed around 30 and I AGONISED for the next 10 years or so around having kids. I always knew deep down that the relentlessness of parenthood was not for me, but at the same time it wasn't just that simple. It absolutely was something that I had to grieve, in a very painful way.

I'm still a bit tender about it all, but am more at peace than ever with not having kids. In fact I'm actively grateful on a weekly basis that I don't have kids. I absolutely relate to your feelings of being 'left out' and 'not enough' but from what I know, parents don't get a free pass on any of that! I have a life with fabulous moments, but a lot of it is grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, going to the gym etc. There is NOTHING wrong with having a quiet, steady sort of life if that's what works for you. You dont have to atone for not having children by doing exceptional things

My DH is wonderful but he is extremely black and white in his thinking so it worries him when I talk about it because he worries I’m wanting a baby.
I find it difficult to explain that I know it’s the right choice not to I just have FEELINGS about it.

I have a really good friend who has a baby and she is like the other side of the coin to me.
She loves her little girl and knows it was the right choice but at the same time is grieving her previous life.

I agree it felt like a mid life crisis for me too. It’s that ticking clock scenario and the finality of the decision. I mean it is time dependent and your life will change completely if you do have kids, but then again if you do think you want them then you only have a short time to make that decision. It feels such a weighty burden but for me, once I made the decision I felt much lighter and the pressure went. I personally didn’t want to start having children aged 35 or over so like you I thought about it in my early 30s but then was happy with my choice.

I also agree about the pressure put on women compared to men. We used to go to family functions and I would be continuously cornered by one or other of DHs relatives that I hardly knew about when we would have kids etc. He never got this. Used to infuriate me and really put me off going to parties etc. now I am in my mid 40s the questions have stopped.

Incidentally I would also be asked a lot by women I worked with. All of these women had kids different ages and they all spent most of their time at work moaning about their kids. So when they asked in surprise, ‘why don’t you want kids?’, I was always tempted to say ‘cos you lot make it sound utterly miserable!’ 😆(I never did btw)

Hahaha

I think that some women see it as a personal insult that other women might not want to make the same choices as them.

I actually don’t mind being asked personally but I can see why some people don’t.
But people don’t tend to ask me and I don’t tell them, so I think people think I might be going through infertility.
Well that’s what I assume by the fact the conversation dries up and they give me a pained head tilt when pregnancy or babies come up.

It's reassuring hearing how so many other childfree women have gone through a degree of anguish and grieving over their choice not to have kids - despite it being just that - a choice.
I think to someone who has never gone through it, and maybe had a couple of kids, they often think its a purely black and white, straightforward decision.

I totally agree @ImplementingTheDennisSystem

I am so glad I posted this thread, it’s really validating to know that Im not going mad and it’s part of the journey.

I feel like it’s given me permission to chill out a bit and ride the emotions.

'i think to someone who has never gone through it, and maybe had a couple of kids, they often think its a purely black and white, straightforward decision.'

And I guess for some people it is, on both sides - either never wanted kids and didn't need to give it much thought, or always wanted kids and jumped straight in. I think the majority of us though, are ambivalent, feeling torn in two directions. It's a HUGE, permanent decision, and ultimately you're either in or you're out. It also doesn't help that wider society still presents parenthood as the 'right' decision, the 'normal' decision and the one that gets all the validation. I'm very much in favour of parenthood being portrayed as just one of many ways to live your life, no more or less deserving of praise than any other

As for child free people on Mumsnet I feel like there’s loads! It’s such a unique space for women to be able to speak and listen without being censored or talked over.

It’s one of the biggest feminist sites - if not THE biggest. You can gauge its strength by how much misogynists complain about it on Twitter.

I often think people give more thought to not having children than having them

I couldn’t agree more. So many people appear to never seriously question having children because it’s just what everyone does, isn’t it? And then they wonder why they find the reality of parenthood a total nightmare.

'And then they wonder why they find the reality of parenthood a total nightmare.'

Absolutely. I used to work with parents and young children and it was deeply worrying how little parents understood about typical child development and what children need at different stages. Many seemed to want to just keep the child as quiet as possible for as long as possible. I guess we are all sold a fairytale about how 'there is no love like it' and how children 'complete' you, and I know that some parents do experience that at least some of the time, but you would hope that people would put some thought into the actual reality of being responsible for a child

Just a note that you don't have to have a fabulous, stylish, travel lifestyle or home to be a happy childfree person. Nor do you need loads of hobbies. Eat crisps, watch love island, do whatever. You are enough, you don't have to justify yourself.

The pursuit of simple pleasures.

Just a note that you don't have to have a fabulous, stylish, travel lifestyle or home to be a happy childfree person. Nor do you need loads of hobbies. Eat crisps, watch love island, do whatever. You are enough, you don't have to justify yourself.

This ^

I hope you don't mind me butting in, as I'm not now childfree, but I did experience some of this for several years before having DD as I worked part-time so had some free time during weekdays but wasn't sure what I should do with it (and external pressure to do volunteer stuff!).

I made one particular friend who was childfree by choice and a bit older
than me, and we'd meet for a coffee and a walk some weeks. It was lovely. She found the new local WI absolutely brilliant - lots of women together doing interesting things, rather than in a group that focussed on kid stuff.
Also, worth while being around some of your friends who have had kids. Not all of them want to be doing baby/kid stuff all the time and the kids won't be at home for ever. I'm not particularly maternal so relished the time I spent with this friend, having lovely adult conversations in places without the emphasis on kid. Yes, she had to be flexible for a while around my baby/toddler (and was a huge help doing things like sitting in the dentist waiting room with her whilst I had a check up!) but we had some amazing meet ups, just chatting and walking.

Good luck!