Fabulous Childfree Women, please tell me to bring meaning into my life.

[MoonbeamSprinkles]

I was always on the fence about having children but for a whole host of reasons I’ve recently made the decision not to have them.

But for some reason this has put me into a bit of a tizz.
It’s like because I’ve made the decision I now need to make sure I have the most FABULOUS child free life ever.
Like I have to prove that my life is wonderful so people don’t feel sorry for me.

All of my girl friends are having babies at the moment and I feel really left out. I get a pang whenever someone says they’re pregnant, it’s not jealousy it’s more like grief that they are going to another life stage and leaving me behind. I’m sad that I’m losing my friend.

I have brilliant friends who have babies but it’s like we’re not walking in sync in the way we used to. I still love them, they love me but it’s just different.

Also I am extremely lucky in that I have a job I love and am proud of, that brings me a lot of joy.
I only work at the weekends and in the evenings so I spend a large portion of the day on my own. I spend most of the time in the gym but all the people there are either retired or have small babies so I’m a bit of anomaly.

I want a bit of excitement. My life is wonderful and I feel so ungrateful for saying this but I think I’m a bit bored.

I also feel sad that I’m not going to give my parents or my in laws the grandchild I know they are desperate for.

If you’re child free how do you deal with these things and what do you to make your life fabulous?

Look up Gateway Women

I've never wanted kids and don't have any. I really enjoy my job and I have made it my mission to be comfortable in my life. I do have a DH; we're both introverts who enjoy each other's company. I don't feel the need to justify my existence in any way. I'm not a hands-on aunt, godparent, babysitter etc either and that suits me fine. The whole concept of having and rearing kids just looks like a thankless grind to me. I come on this forum because it's one of the largest (mostly) women's spaces available.

@EssexLioness

Your life sounds so lovely!
Very similar to mine in that I’ve made it a priority to be comfortable.

I’m interested to hear how your crisis of feelings went, did it just pass?

Speaking about it has really helped.

I looked at Gateway Women and it looks amazing @Okeydoky but it says it’s specifically not for women who have chosen not to have children which is what I am.

I also have a DH

He’s very lovely and we are happily married. He loves a slower pace of life too and being child free is a decision we’ve taken together.

Where we are different though is that he’s an only child and likes a quiet house due to a disability, where I like a bit of noise from time to time.
We usually get around this by me going to stay with my family when I want a bit of boisterousness, but I think I definitely need to make an effort to make more friends for during the day.

I think I’m being hard on myself too because I used to socialise during the day often before covid, I probably went for lunch or met someone for a cuppa about four times a week but I just haven’t got into the swing of it yet.

Maybe I could put a post up on the gym noticeboard, or would that look really sad?
I could pretend I was looking for a tennis partner.

I am childfree. The point is that you can do more or less what you want in your life, within the constraints of your budget. You don't have to have an amazing career or 20 long-haul holidays a year - but you can have a lie-in whenever you're off work without having to negotiate with your DP who is going to get up for the DC. You can stay up all night. You can go anywhere you want without arranging childcare. You can have what food you like without having to cater for fussy DC. Your money is yours to spend without worrying about putting your DC through university or paying their house deposit or leaving them an inheritance. You can be as chaotic and dysfunctional as you like without the worry of social services nosing into your life. You can be meticulously minimalist and have white furniture without getting food all over it.

Freedom can take whatever form you want it to.

It's a very difficult thing to talk about "in real life", as they say. I never wanted children. Then suddenly had what I can only describe as a late hormonal surge, suddenly I wanted children. I had miscarriages instead and it was my wake up call. I didn't want children, or rather I didn't want just any child. I was chasing a fantasy and I certainly didn't want the possible reality or, and this is the hard part to say out loud, the less than ideal outcome. Lucky for the child and for me and my partner, I realised this in time. My life is fabulous, but it's not excitingly so, I'm happy and content. It's not a competition for who has the better life, but each needs to be happy with their choice. Regarding your friends having babies, I would suggest you also make friends with some older women whose children are older and look out for the other random women who haven't had children. It's hard being friends with women with young ones, they are really busy and preoccupied by so many responsibilities and I always feel shitty when they ask me how I am or after the state of my relationship, as those early years have been hard on all the mums I know but one, so it can come to feel unequal.

@dudsville it seems like you’ve come to a very balanced place with it now.

Making friends with older women seems like a good idea.

Maybe I should try and join the older women who meet for coffee after the gym classes.
They probably have more disposable income so might want to do holidays and walking weekends too.

Childfree by choice here. I do get what you are saying and I think it's less about justifying your existence and more about feeling a void as others are moving through the life stages. Personally, I don't like children much and never wanted one, but did agonize over the decision because of internalized societal pressure (what happens when I get old etc). But I love my life: demanding career, great hobbies, travel etc

@MoonbeamSprinkles is there a reason for your working evenings and weekends and not weekdays? This itself takes you out of sync with the society and you probably encounter SAHM going to coffee gym etc a lot more during the day.

My advice is to structure your days with different hobbies if not work. These can range from marathon training to language classes to working on your investment portfolio.

@Okeydoky I always see gateway women being recommended here on most of these types of threads, but it is primarily for women who want children and couldn't have them and are trying to come to terms with the loss of possible future. It's actually quite sad that women who don't want children are clubbed in with "childless women due to infertility and other circumstances". They "bring together childless women to give them hope and show them how to create a meaningful and fulfilling future"

The only other thing I found online was on reddit, which was extremely toxic people who hate children and mothers

I do feel there is a profound lack of a community for child free women who have made that choice and put it behind them. Maybe MN should create a child-free board?

@Frogium you’ve hit the nail on the head.

‘ it's less about justifying your existence and more about feeling a void as others are moving through the life stages’

This is exactly right.

I work evenings and weekends because I run a business doing events and that is the most popular time for them as most people are at work during the day.
I could technically delegate some of them to other members of my team but I LOVE running them so whenever I do that I just find more to do

I do have a lovely life and I am happy 99% of the time but it’s just all of a sudden I feel left behind and a bit lonely and if I’m honest a bit scared.

But I’m feeling much better about it today.

Im sitting in bed with a cup of tea and my cats and husband, then I’m going to get up and do some work mentoring via zoom, then I’m going to walk to the gym and have brunch, read, then do a spin class, shower and then go to work.

I think I’m going to make an effort with the retired women at the gym, they all meet for cuppas and brunch and tennis, and it does look fun.

Child free here… not sure I have come to terms with it really. It was a joint decision (in that my husband didn’t want babies and I just went along with that as I don’t want to be a single mum) I think I always assumed I WOULD have children, but that’s just cos that’s what women do… I’m older now and less people ask me why I don’t have children/ if I’m having them and that helps. But I still feel I need to justify when people ask me if I have them.

I’m a busy lady, I volunteer for a food bank (its not as saintly as it sounds- we have a real laugh!) and I do open water swimming (early morning) and paddle boarding (during the day) I also do a walking group and some other community activities.

I joined a small gym with a personal trainer and they are now my friends too.

We are whole and worthy even though we aren’t mothers.

There are a lot of childfree women on here - we're used to being asked why, as a childfree woman, we're on a parenting website but I digress .

I chose very early on not to have children and now, post menopausal, have never wavered from that decision.

I agree with pp in that you shouldn't think you need to do something 'extra' with your life to make up for not having children. Having a child is really the most selfish thing anyone can do. You have the child for you, not for the child.

DH and I have a good life. We do what everyone else does, work, housework, watch TV, cook, garden. We go out at the weekend, go for walks, go to the pub, go on holiday. I think the main difference is that our life seems calmer, less stressful, easier.

Observing the difference between our lives and the lives of family and friends with children I would say:
Our lives are easier, calmer, less stressful.
We don't have the financial worries of one of us not working to provide childcare, or having to find £££ for nursery fees. Or the worry of missing out career wise while raising a family.
No angst about bullying at school.
No grief or worry about a child with disabilities and their long term care.
No spending evenings and weekends ferrying children to clubs/sport.
No issues with awful teenage behaviour (I've had friends sitting at the kitchen table in tears unable to cope with school refusal, drugs and alcohol and just general appalling behaviour)
Most of the parents I know have had huge strains on their relationship with their SO, often down to differing parenting styles or one of them (usually the man) not pulling their weight. Many relationships haven't survived.

Of course I'll never know the all encompassing mother love , and it's not all bad being a parent - many friends have amazing children who are great to be around (in smallish doses). But the angst doesn't stop when the children become adults - DSis is currently worrying about a DD with depression and a DS in a toxic relationship. Some friends rarely see their adult offspring.

I often think people give more thought to not having children than having them.

I often think people give more thought to not having children than having them.

Indeed.

I don't have children because I don't want to be a parent. That's the beginning and end of it.

I don't have a fabulous career. I decided that as people work for money, regardless of career status, just get a job to pay bills.

I don't have a fabulous life, either. (Which means, what ?) I'm happy. I'm content.

Parents can have an odd idea of what childfree (by choice ?) can mean. Just like those who chose not to have children can have unfounded ideas of what it's like to be a parent.

Parents who raised their children to adulthood don't get the, 'side eye' as much as people who wilfully chose not to have children. IMO.

Some one who wanted children but for whatever reason couldn't have them can be pitied and patronised. But those who chose not to have children. Well there seems to be an especial place in hell reserved for those according to some parents.

Hi OP, I'm in a very similar position to you, 99% sure I don't want kids, but feeling a fair bit of sadness about that decision as well.

I think for me it's also the not knowing - my gut feeling is that I wouldn't particularly enjoy being a mother, but you can't know until you are one. Motherhood is so often painted as an experience like no other, so I worry about what I'm potentially missing out on.

I relate to what @dudsville says about wanting the fantasy child. I didn’t want kids until my early 30s, then I really did for a few years. DH never wanted them at all so I really questioned my feelings. I had daydreams of Christmas mornings, cuddles, reading bedtime stories and saw that these were only ever daydreams of babies/ very young children. They are also very small parts of the picture. I figured that this was maybe my hormones calling and focused on other things. I had a couple of years when I was desperately jealous of pregnant women but this was definitely hormone related for me. I came through the other side with time and what was probably the beginnings of perimenopause looking back (as hit perimenopause early and had symptoms for years).
Now I’m a few years ahead I am so grateful that I didn’t give in to my hormones during that short time as I would be unhappy. I like my quiet and carefree life, DH and I have a wonderful relationship and I would struggle with the responsibilities of childhood. My DH is autistic and I was also diagnosed a few years ago which cemented in my mind we had made the right decision. I read that with two autistic parents there is around a 95% chance that any child would be autistic too. I don’t think we would’ve coped with that which also wouldn’t have been fair to any child either.

I know exactly what you all mean about the Christmas morning fantasy.

But the reality is both me and DH are very set in our ways and we probably would find organising Christmas with small children very stressful.

It’s so helpful to hear that other people have gone through this too, because you start to doubt yourself.

OP there is a US site called TheChildfreeLife which used to be good. I haven't been on it in a few years, so I don't know if it's still going or busy or what.
It was helpful for me a few years ago in my early 30's when I went through a bit of a wobble - I knew I didn't want kids, but panicked and thought I should want them etc. Anyway, at the time it was useful to read about people older than me happily living their lives without children.

Every now and then there would be a post by a parent telling us all what horrible people we were , but they usually went off tail between their legs....it was mainly the 'my children are my life' people who couldn't seem to comprehend life being any other way. But it was mostly a supportive place, there were a few extreme people, like you get in any group.

And I do find it funny that I spend a large amount of my time on a parenting website. I suppose it's really one of the biggest female only spaces online, which is incredibly unique - and there are so many topics that really have little or nothing to do with children. Also the feminism board has been an awakening for me.

Also, I would echo what others have said about finding more likeminded people in real life, which I know is not easy.

I'm very fortunate in that none of my close friends have children (we are all late 30's) although many of them are gay so that might be why. Actually though, some of the gay couples are now looking into adoption/ surrogacy so it might change over the next few years. But I suppose it would have been much harder if everyone I knew started having kids, because it does change things.

I also socialise with people of different ages, some in their 20s and some older women whose children are grown up so that helps. And like others on here, I don't have a fabulously successful life, just a very ordinary one thank you. I did for a time think I should compensate by becoming a CEO or something, but that's just not who I am. I like having a quiet, simple life, and I have a lot of contentment.

I do find it interesting when many parents state that if they didn't have kids they would do x,y,z (usually something fantastically successful and amazing), the reality is, most of us live quite ordinary lives and don't conquer the world. Also, many of the successful female CEO's do have children, so it's not necessarily a barrier to that, although I accept it makes it harder.

I never wanted them, so there's no gap in my life where they should be as I never contemplated it.

Agree most of us live fairly normal lives. We have more time to ourselves and more time to sleep.

At 45 I'm out the other side of people asking if I want them or telling me I'll change my mind and it's a relief. And also my friends who had kids and dropped by the wayside are coming back now that their kids are in secondary or leaving for uni. Which is nice, no grudges held, more people to have a coffee with on a weekend.

My best friend is a gay man who’s never wanted children and that relationship has got more and more important, I feel we can talk quite openly about the changes in our friendships and feeling pushed out.
Where it’s different is he doesn’t feel the societal pressure to conform as much as me as obviously he hasn’t been socialised as a woman.

Also I think he can be quite dismissive of women who have had children, like they’ve been put out to pasture.
Which I don’t like either.

He lives across the country though so we talk every day via voice chat but only meet up once a year or so.

As for child free people on Mumsnet I feel like there’s loads! It’s such a unique space for women to be able to speak and listen without being censored or talked over.

I’m still a viper!

59, childfree and thankful for it every day!

Travel, creative pursuits, lack of drama. Funds for philanthropy. Eco-friendly. Don't have to revolve life around school year. Tidy house. The benefits are myriad.

KosherDill, agree wholeheartedly about having a tidy house - I love our home. It's calm, peaceful, uncluttered. We've created a space that suits us perfectly, my home is my happy place.

Roseglen84, my closest friends are all at least a decade older than I am - some have a family but the children are all adults now, and some don't, but they're all lovely women, creative, interesting. The conversation doesn't revolve around children or even grandchildren very much at all. And I love Mumsnet for the brilliant women on FWR, for the chat about The Archers, for the knitting and gardening and dozens of other threads

Our house is very tidy. And because we have no childcare costs we have a cleaner and a gardener.

Maybe I should do some events for childfree women.

Walking holiday where we listen to the archers and drink wine and knit in the evening anyone?

Where it’s different is he doesn’t feel the societal pressure to conform as much as me as obviously he hasn’t been socialised as a woman.

Yes, the pressure is different for women I think. One of my best friends has been with her boyfriend for about 12/13 years, they live together but are not married and do not (and aren't going to) have children.
Over the years she has been asked countless times about getting married, why they don't have children etc. Especially at family weddings, she used to get the 'are you next?' bullshit, mostly from other women.
Not so much these days as they have been together so long and I think people have given up asking .

As an aside, they have happily been together for longer than some acquaintances whose weddings they attended, but I digress...

My point is that in all this time her boyfriend HAS NEVER been asked, not once. Not Ever!

He doesn't give a shit anyway, but I think part of the reason he is able to not give a shit as much is that he just doesn't have the same expectation put on him.

Women get hounded with this stuff constantly, so it does feel like more pressure to have to 'defend' your position.