5am fears over money

[Skintsoskint]

Name changed for this.

Single parent to three children. I work full time, I get my tax credits, I don’t qualify for any help re school dinners etc.

Kids dad has just managed to manipulate earnings so he doesn’t pay maintenance (I can battle this but it’s not a quick fix) so all financial responsibilities fall to me. He can afford to pay, he could afford to really improve things, but he is blinded by his spite towards me and would rather see the children have nothing than allow me to have any money.

It’s Easter holidays. I’ve no money to really do much, the kids have a list of things they’d like to do, but for the four of us it’s coming in at £100 plus to get in so that’s not happening.

My house is freezing, I’ve hardly got the heating on now and if I do it’s on low, my provider has emailed to put my DD up by another £40 and even if we freeze and live in darkness my standing charge is going to cost a fortune.

Even if I managed to get a better paying job I would simply see my tax credits go down, whilst my tax and NI would go up, I could actually achieve less money for us by trying to improve our lot. That is an odd situation in itself.

Landlord put the rent up by £20 in this shitty place we rent, but we can’t move as I checked and all rents round here are now at least £100 more than they were a month or so ago, and all of them stipulate that you need to earn X times the rent and don’t apply if you don’t, of course, that knocks me out of the equation for all of those.

I’m not sure when my life became this grind tbh. I left an abusive husband and I’ve been battered by life from the word go.

The legal system/society protects people like my ex husband, whilst punishing me because I am a single parent. Somehow he can remove himself from all financial responsibilities, whilst I can’t, and I am told how I mustn’t obstruct his access to the children, but no one can make him help to feed the children he “loves so much”

I’m dreading another rise in the energy bills in October.

I just work and survive now. There’s no joy in my life anymore. I can’t afford a holiday, UK or abroad, I can’t think of anything really to focus on for when “life gets better”

This is a totally depressing post, I know. It’s just being awake at 5 after a night of feeling tearful has taken the fight out of me today.

I spend a lot of time dreaming of someone rescuing me, like winning the lottery or just someone with money looking at me and thinking “she’s worked hard, she doesn’t deserve all this shit” and just helping me.

It’s not going to happen I know, and we are probably better off than lots on Mumsnet, but it all feels very alone at the moment.

That sounds tough OP. Someone to give advice hopefully along soon.

OP I know it doesn't feel like this, but you should be so proud of yourself. You've left an abusive husband, you are brining up kids on your own and working FT - you are amazing and your children are lucky to have you as their Mum.

Have you had any counselling to work through what you've been through and going through?

If you contact Women's Aid they may be able to point with charities providing counselling for vicitms of DA.

So sorry to hear this and sadly ur not alone.
Are ur kids old enough that u can talk to them to explain things are difficult at the moment?

I would defo push to get ur ex to pay child support. I know this will take time.

For the hols - find stuff to do for free e.g. parks, gardens etc. organise packed lunches to save pennies and bring balls, tennis rackets etc for then to play with outdoors.

For food - in Scotland there is an app called "toogoodtogo". Its cheaper food at the end of the day e.g. greggs, You kight get treats u can have for the following day.

Dont be embarrassed to use food banks!!

I wish i had a magic wand but I am still trying to invent one.

Big hugs

I don’t think I would qualify for food banks? I probably earn too much?

I wasn’t so poor before, I was literally pulling us up by the bootstraps financially, but then everything happened and suddenly bills are escalating and food is escalating, and he stopped paying and £300-400 was just wiped off my income each month. My wages obviously aren’t rising and the children aren’t becoming cheaper.

It’s shitty times for everyone I know, but there is no one here to share that burden with

I am so sorry love.

I was the same for years and it’s the grind of the responsibility that is the draining thing isn’t it.

It will get better and you will get through it.

Really sorry to read this

I had a period of really bad money worries, it did get me down. The only way I dealt with it mentally was I got onto moneysavingexpert forums and treated penny pinching like a game. I would plan a school holiday to within an inch of its life and aim to spend £0 beyond food.

Do you have a full budget written up?

How old are your kids? Can you explain to them about the finances? You should not hide their father's lack of contribution from them. You don't have to slag him off, just say factually you get no support and it is all on you.

You can ask for a referral to the food bank via school perhaps?

@Skintsoskint I’m sorry to hear this. Your kids will know the truth in time, you know the truth and everyone who knows you will know the truth. At least he is your ex. On a practical note, have you considered joining a food club to keep costs down? I listened to a piece about them on R4 recently and some food clubs even have free restaurant quality food clubs you can eat at.

shielding your ex’s responsibility from your kids desires is creating stress you don’t need to bear. Consider how you handle this moving forward. Maybe explain clearly, mummy can afford for us to do one activity for a cost of £x this holiday because the cost of electric/gas/oil has increased and mummy has to pay these costs. Make sure they feel safe, loved and reassured you’ve got this covered, but there is no reason as they get older why they should not see how family finances work so that they understand mummy’s income is 96% (or whatever) used for the family’s benefit and then they can ask the same of Daddy. If Daddy can suddenly afford a PS5 or whatever they need to be able to put the value into context.

Cheap treats for the hols could include the Morning cinema trips £2.50 tickets, £1 Poundland trip (kids decide what they are going to spend their £1 on), library trips (free heat etc) new books to read, or create a cinema at home with microwave popcorn (£1 in Aldi for 3 bags) film rental.

You sound like a lovely mum by the way. I’m also a believer in Karma. Your ex will get his.

www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/children-families/food-club/

Sweetheart - it is a grind isn't it. The difference between not having money until the end of the month and not having money even when pay day comes around is so depressing. I hear you - it was like that for me for several years as I paid off chunks of debt. Note the past tense - things can and do improve.

I found there were 2 things needed tackling - the practical and my mind set.

Practical - strip out everything that is not essential (you can add them back in later). Spending goes into 3 categories - keeping body & soul together (food, heating & housing & Council Tax), functional (phone/internet, insurance, pensions, debt repayment, car) and everything else (clothes, entertainment and all the rest). Go through every expense and ask 2 questions - is it essential and if it is can it be purchased cheaper.

For housing - look at housing associations in your area ( DM me first part of your postcode & I can tell you which ones operate in your area). They often have housing to rent that is submarket but not council nominated. If you are on a low income maybe a shared ownership property might work for you. It won't give much of a saving but gives security of tenure.
Food - community pantries, Too Good to Go app, meal planning, shopping in the discount supermarkets et al all have a role to play. There are some great blogs out there (Jack Munroe, Thrifty Lesley, Money Saving Expert etc)

The second part of the grind is the mental - I found a huge amount of support here on MN ( The frugaleers- in credit crunch and debt threads). Being able to say things are a bit shit and people listening without the sanctimonious / pity look is hugely underrated.

You don't say how old your kids are, but if possible get them on board. Explain the situation to them. Remember when they say "everybody is going to / getting X / has a..." what they really mean is that one person in their entire school has been lording it over everyone else. Find the free things to do in your area - libraries are really good for this. Most LA have an events in your area page. With a bit of digging it is possible to find all sorts of free events / groups run by community groups, volunteers, local councils and museums & art galleries. My kids did all sorts of arts and sporting things for nothing & now I have more time they are older I am volunteering so that other kids can enjoy.

I am pretty good with money. I have been very poor before, and I find even when I’m not necessarily so poor I still live as though I am, so I built up a bit of a buffer.
Course, stupidly I didn’t predict for the situation the whole county is in (who could have guessed) and that buffer has really gone now, we have been ok, but now the fallback is gone.

The kids understand, but he’s there taking them out on his days with them because he has all this money he’s not paying me now, whilst I plan free trips out in the rain.

I feel like a ball of rage. Internally I am RAGING at this Government because I think they are genuinely going to sit back and watch the poorer parts of society freeze/starve/I don’t know what and I am RAGING at my ex who is in the middle of Court action against me to see the children more, but who loves them so much he has literally created a situation on paper to dodge any responsibilities and then I rage at the Government (again) because they have created a system where he can just stop paying for them but I can’t say “ok, you can’t see them”

I am both depressed and angry and there is really nothing I can do. It’s not a case of not trying, I just can’t magic up more money

I hear you.
I can't offer any solutions.
But, I hear you.

I am both depressed and angry and there is really nothing I can do. It’s not a case of not trying, I just can’t magic up more money

I know, it is not easy but I really hope in time it will improve for you

I feel your pain. My ex did and does this too. Hides his money/earns cash in hand/withholds the maintenance he is meant to pay in to punish me for "misdemeanors" like being a minute late to drop them to him

My solution was to throw everything at my.career and climb the ladder. But I absolutely realise that isn't an option for everyone

If he is hiding his earnings you can make a report to HMRC as it is tax fraud too.

I am furious that men are enabled to do this by the system

A lot of local authorities have funds to help with the cost of living so its worth looking at your council website. My local one also does a food and holiday activity club scheme for children from low income and vulnerable families.

Try olio for surplus food that companies and restaurants have to give away rather than waste.

Report your ex to HMRC anonymously for dodging tax because you're more likely to get a result this way. They will investigate tax dodgers & then you can pursue him for child maintenance again.

Some banks give you an extra £100 for swapping Bank accounts, give it a try.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Speak to school, see what they can do to help. Even if it’s just giving you some second hand uniform so that you don’t have to buy it. The kids don’t need to know. My kids school used to send uneaten fruit and veg home to those that needed it.
Ask about a referral to the food bank, plenty of people who are working and struggling are using them.
Have you checked a benefit calculator to see that you’re getting everything you are entitled to ?
And we’ll done for escaping.

I’m getting everything I am entitled to sadly.
We aren’t on the bones of our arse (yet) but I don’t see how I can continue to pay rising prices while my ex is allowed to dodge his responsibility.

It’s just depressing. I can’t see much of a way currently to improve our lot. I had improved it considerably, I had my job, it paid ok, tax credits and child maintenance combined with being careful and we were ok.

Now my gas/electric has doubled, food has increased, my rent, my petrol etc and I have a 1% pay rise this year which is cancelled out by the NI rise and you do think “what is the bloody point”

I definitely second looking to see if you have a community pantry in the area. Just explain the situation and they will help you even if you earn too much on paper. You get say £15 worth of food for say £2.50. But often it is more than that, with fresh bread, veg etc (left overs from big supermarkets but perfectly good) It will be a big help with the rising cost of food. If you work full time, email them and they can sort something out so you can still get help.

I totally feel you 😭. It was 2am for me, the rain woke me up and my thoughts turned immediately to money. Then I needed a wee but it took ages to psych myself up to get out of bed (and that’s with fleecy pjs on) as it’s so cold and by then I was wide awake. We should be well of but historical debt from when DH lost his job that we just can’t get rid of is crippling us and we have fuck all.

If it was at least warm and sunny (given that it’s April!) things would feel slightly better. We live near lots of lovely walks and beaches but trudging along in the wind and rain is not fun and how are you meant to have a picnic in the rain and cold??

The dog got me up at 5:50 and I’m sat in fleecy pjs, a fake Oodie, knee length socks and slippers and I’m still so damn cold.

I’ve taken on a second job but I can’t really afford the petrol to get me there. It’s shit. Absolutely, unrelentingly shit. The mental load is as shit as the actual situation.

But yes, it’s shit and your husband is an arsehole. You sound like a lovely mum

@LadyCatStark for you too and everyone in this situation.

Is there a community pantry that you can get to? You pay something like a fiver and then you can select groceries worth around £25+. They are open to anyone.

www.yourlocalpantry.co.uk/

Oh sorry, someone else has already posted about the pantries.

I’m so sorry you’re going though this. It is utterly shit. I can’t help you get though the grind, but I can answer as a child who was brought up on pennies in exactly the same situation.

We had no idea! I had the best childhood. Wherever we went my Mum took a picnic. Lots of free outdoor days out. My Grandparents gave her and annual pass for an adventure playground/gardens for her birthday and we went there often.

I am raging on your behalf.

Ok, so you need to contact the local food banks to see how to access them. I know many families in a similar situation to you who do this. I won’t insult you by suggesting how you can reduce your outgoings or maximise your food budget, because I’m sure you’re doing everything you can already.
It’s hard when your ex is able to pay for days out for your kids when you can’t because he’s not paying you what you’re entitled to, but if you try to look at it in a more positive light - your DC will at least have some days out.
When we had no money for some years, I found what helped me mentally was writing down everything we had coming in and going out, plus I only dealt in cash. The bank cards were put away, we drew out just enough money to last the week and once it was gone, it was gone. That way, we managed to not overspend most of the time.
If you have credit cards or loans, look at contacting them to reduce or even suspend the payments. Most companies have something called an exceptional circumstances team (or similar) who will deal with just that - exceptional circumstances. Finally, make sure you’re getting absolutely every benefit you’re entitled to!